Pieces of My Heart (34 page)

‘I did listen.’

‘Only for about a minute and then you’d tell me to move on and forget about him and that he wasn’t worthy of me …’

‘I was trying to build up your confidence.’ I looked at Mary, confused. ‘What did I do wrong?’

‘Nothing,’ she assured me. ‘It’s just that sometimes there is no need to say anything. Sometimes it’s just best to let a person talk and get their troubles off their chest without providing any advice or solutions.’

‘I was trying to make her feel better.’

‘Of course you were. Now, Alison, did you find it difficult that your sister was in a relationship?’

‘Yeah, I did. Sarah and Bobby were always all over each other and you could see how into her he was and that was hard.’

‘Oh, so it’s my fault now?’ Sarah snapped. ‘What am I supposed to do – dump Bobby to make you feel better?’

‘That’s not what Alison is saying,’ Mary said. ‘She’s just explaining that it was difficult to see two people in love when her heart was broken.’

‘Well, maybe if she’d taken my advice instead of moping around feeling sorry for herself, she wouldn’t be in here.’

‘Oh, please, are you talking about your stupid ten-step plan?’ Ali retorted. ‘It’s so lame.’

‘Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m the one with the boyfriend. And if I did get dumped, Ali, I’d get off my arse and find myself another. I wouldn’t go around feeling sorry for myself, blame everyone else for my problems, stop eating and tell my mother to shut up and say nothing except “Listen to me moaning.” You’re pathetic.’

‘No, you’re pathetic because you never see how anything you do affects other people. You can’t see how snogging Bobby in front of me the day after I got dumped might have been hard for me. Or that you constantly doing badly in exams puts more pressure on me to do well or that –’

‘I cannot take another second of this bullshit.’ Sarah got up and put her coat on. ‘I refuse to listen to any more poor-me stories from my sister. She’s given everyone in the family a good battering.’

‘I’m sorry you feel that way, Sarah. Alison was just being honest. Why do you feel so defensive?’ Mary asked.

Sarah shook her finger at Mary. ‘Don’t even think about trying your psychobabble on me. I’m the normal one in this family. I don’t have “issues”. I like my life just the way it is. And, as my sister so sweetly pointed out, I have no self-esteem problems. I know I rock. So you can save your analysis for the freaks who need it. I’m out of here.’ Sarah walked out the door. Before closing it, she turned back to Ali: ‘You used to be great. I don’t know how you got so messed up, but I wish the normal Ali would come back. I miss her.’

38

‘I just don’t understand,’ Paul said, for the zillionth time. ‘Why did Ali say I was forcing her into medicine? Mary must think I’m some kind of tyrant. I never said Ali had to be a doctor. I just said I thought it’d be a great thing to do and she agreed with me. I’m afraid to say anything to her now. If I look at her sideways she’ll probably accuse me of something else.’

‘Calm down,’ I soothed. ‘She was just venting. She’s angry at everyone and Mary said the more she lets out, the speedier her recovery will be. It’s all that pent-up emotion that’s causing her eating problems. She was pretty hard on me, too, and on Sarah. Mind you, Sarah didn’t hold back either – I had no idea she was so furious with Ali. How did we manage to raise such angry kids?’

‘I have to say I agreed with everything Sarah said,’ Paul admitted. ‘I’ve been wanting to tell Ali to get over herself for weeks. To think Sarah was the one I always worried about and now she’s a rock of sense. I never in my life thought Ali would be the one to cause so much trouble. She seemed so sensible. Sarah was the wild one, the one we needed to watch. But look at them now. Jesus, Ava, it’s so frustrating – I want to shake Ali. All this tiptoeing around is doing my head in. If I’d stopped eating and tried to blame it on my parents I’d have got an almighty kick up the arse.’

‘Well, we’ve moved on from that and now we listen to our children and help them instead of brushing problems under the carpet. One of the main reasons Ali is sick is because we didn’t talk about the shooting. We pretended it didn’t happen and look at the result. Communication is vital.’

‘Why didn’t we have two sons? Two big strapping lads who’d spend all day chasing a ball – none of this sitting around feeling hard done by and blaming their parents for everything.’

‘Because if we had two boys, we wouldn’t have Ali and Sarah. And despite your protestations you adore them. Look, I know this is really hard, but we have to be patient and we have to try to stay positive.’

‘I’m trying, Ava, although I really don’t understand what the hell is going on inside her head. But I’ll do my best and bite my tongue.’

I decided not to tell Paul that in the research I had done, the average time for someone suffering with anorexia to recover fully and regain a healthy relationship with food was five years. Each case was different and early detection was the key to a speedier recovery, but there was no quick fix.

‘Well, I’d better go and see how the pub is doing – I’ve been neglecting it a bit lately with everything that’s going on.’ Paul kissed me and went off to work.

As Paul left, Charlie came in. ‘How did it go? How’s my granddaughter?’

‘It was gruesome, actually. She tore strips off all of us. The psychologist must think I’m such a bad mother.’ I sighed and Charlie came over to sit beside me. It was nice having him there. I didn’t have to pretend with him. I felt I had to be positive in front of Paul and Sarah, but with Charlie I could be totally honest. ‘She’s so angry with all of us. It’s really upsetting and humiliating to have our lives and our mistakes exposed in front of Mary. I keep going over and over the past and what I could have done differently, but I can’t change it. It happened. I’m just hoping that now Ali has ranted and raged about it she’ll be able to move on. It’s her only hope. She has to let it go. It’s killing her. You should see her, Charlie – she’s so full of anger. I barely recognize her. And when she’s not shouting at us and blaming us, she’s crying.’

‘Poor Ali,’ Charlie said.

‘I’m scared. I feel as if we’re losing the battle. There’s a girl in there Ali’s befriended, Emily, who’s been in and out of the clinic three times. What if Ali can’t fight it? I just want this to be over. I want my family back. I want Ali to get better. Did I do this to her? Is it such a sin to try to protect your kids from knowing their father was shot? Doesn’t every mother try to spare their children pain? Am I really such a monster?’

‘Ah, less of that self-pity. It won’t get you anywhere,’ Charlie said. ‘Hold on now, before you bite my head off, I do see that it’s very hard for you. But being a parent is a thankless job so you might as well get used to it.’

‘Excuse me! I never caused you any trouble. And in case you hadn’t noticed you are currently living in my house with your pregnant girlfriend. I’ve been the adult in this relationship for as long as I can remember.’

‘It’s amazing how people’s memories fade. Who was it that came in and entertained you every night when you were in hospital with jaundice for two months when you were ten? Who was it who drove you to hospital when you went into labour with Sarah and you couldn’t get in touch with Paul? Who was it who held your hand and sat with you for two days while the doctors tried to save Paul’s life after the shooting? Who moved in and looked after the girls while you nursed Paul better? Who –’

‘OK. I get the point and you’re right. You’ve always been there for me. I’m sorry, Charlie. It’s obviously a never-ending cycle of children blaming parents that goes from generation to generation.’

‘Ah, yes, but when you get to my age, you get your own back. You move in with your child and they feel obliged look after you.’ He grinned.

Sarah’s head popped around the door. ‘Just so we’re clear, Mum, you and Dad are not moving in with me when you’re old and wrinkly. There is no way I’m having you cramping my style. It’s an old folks’ home for you.’

‘Charming,’ I said.

She came in and sat beside us on the couch. ‘Seriously, Mum, I’m not being mean but once I get my own place, I’m not sharing it with you and Dad. We’ve lived together long enough. Space is a good thing.’

‘I agree,’ I said. ‘Are you OK after this morning?’

‘Yeah – and I don’t regret anything I said. It was good for Ali and me to let loose. She needs someone to tell her what a pain in the arse she’s being and she obviously had some things she needed to get off her chest.’

‘Are you upset about anything she said?’

‘I think her accusing me of being selfish was way over the top and I don’t agree with it. But she was right about one thing. I shouldn’t have snogged Bobby in front of her just after she got dumped. It was thoughtless.’

‘Well, thanks for coming and I do think it was healthy that you both got so much out but I hope you’re not going to stay angry. I hope you’ll make up with her, because she needs you, Sarah.’

‘Don’t worry, Mum, I’m not going to get the hump and ignore her. But I’m not talking to her today. I’ll call her tomorrow when she’s calmed down.’

Nadia came in and flopped into a chair. ‘Oh, my Gods, I so sick. This baby kill me.’

‘It’s just morning sickness. It’ll pass,’ I assured her.

‘You no understand. I dying.’

‘I’ve had two children, Nadia. I know what morning sickness feels like. It’s not great, but it’s temporary.’

‘Must be a boy. Only man can give me so much pain,’ she moaned, as she popped another chocolate biscuit into her mouth.

‘Hey, Nadia, where’s my dress? I need to try it on. The play is, like, six days away,’ Sarah reminded her.

Nadia made a big song and dance of getting up off her chair to fetch the dress. She returned with a tiny spangly piece of material.

Sarah jumped up. ‘It looks cool. I’m going to try it on.’

‘It’s very short,’ I said.

‘She say she wants to haff legs out, so I makes it short.’

Sarah came back in. The dress was essentially a pair of togs with lots of sequins and glittery stones sewn onto it. It had a little chiffon skirt that went down to mid-thigh and a piece of chiffon draped over one shoulder. She looked like a cross between a burlesque dancer and a Roman slave.

‘Ohmigod, I am so hot!’ she squealed. ‘Nadia, you did a great job. It’s amazing.’

‘I tell you I fery good.’

‘It’s very revealing,’ I said.

‘Hello! It’s practically down to my knees.’

‘Your dad will go mad when he sees it,’ I warned her. ‘You know how he feels about very short skirts.’

‘He’s not going to see it until I’m on the stage, so it’s not going to be a problem.’

‘It needs to be longer.’

‘Mum,’ Sarah said, eyeballing me, ‘this is a really important event for me. I’ve never worked so hard on anything before. I’m the lead role and I need to look incredible. Clare, who is, like, playing the Nurse – who is actually supposed to be a nanny but the Shakespeare guy obviously got mixed up and called her Nurse – anyway, Clare is wearing an actual nurse’s uniform, but not like a real nurse. It’s a sexy nurse’s outfit she got on the Internet.’

‘Surely your teacher won’t allow that.’

‘He hasn’t seen it. None of the girls are showing him their costumes. They’re all wearing really short minis and stuff. Mine will actually be the longest by miles.’

‘What’s Bobby wearing?’ I asked.

‘He wanted to wear his rugby kit but I said no way. So he’s wearing a really tight white T-shirt that says “Romeo Rocks” on the front and shows off his muscles and his tan. And then he’s wearing Lycra cycling leggings that make his bum look
so
hot. And then he’s got, like, this really cool studded belt with a sword around his waist.’

‘That sounds really, uhm, really modern,’ I said.

‘It’s going to be the best play ever. And me and Bobby are going to be the stars. I’d better go and learn my lines. “Parting is such sweet sorrow,” ’ she finished theatrically as she exited the room.

‘Paul’s going to flip when he sees that outfit.’

‘Let her be. Isn’t it great to see her so enthusiastic about something?’ Charlie said.

‘You’re right. It is. I can’t wait to see the play – how are we going to keep straight faces? Lycra leggings! Shakespeare will be turning in his grave.’

That evening my phone rang. ‘Hi, Mum, it’s me, Ali.’ She sounded nervous.

‘Hi, how are you doing? Are you OK after the session this morning?’

‘Actually, that’s what I’m calling about. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.’

‘I’m just glad you got all that anger out.’

‘I feel bad about some of the stuff I said. I just kind of went mad.’

‘It’s OK, Ali, I’m not upset.’

‘Is Dad?’

‘No, he’s fine too.’

‘What about Sarah?’

‘You know Sarah – it’s like water off a duck’s back.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, pet, I am. I don’t want you to worry about anything. The session was actually very helpful. It’s important for us to know why you’re angry and where we made mistakes. It’ll help us all move forward.’

‘Thanks, Mum,’ she said, beginning to cry. ‘You’re so great. I was really worried that you’d all hate me.’

‘Ali, we love you. We will always love you no matter what you say or do.’

‘It’s just that Emily only has her mother and she’s not really able to cope with her. She says her mum only calls her once a week and sometimes she doesn’t come to visit her for ages. And I was scared I might have alienated you all today.’

‘Oh, Ali, you could never do that. I promise you I’ll always be here for you – and so will your dad, Sarah and Charlie.’

‘I uh … uh … uh …’ she sobbed ‘… just feel really lucky to have a normal family and I don’t want to push you away.’

‘You haven’t pushed anyone away. Now, please, there’s nothing to cry about. We love you and we think you’re wonderful and we’re here for you all the time. We’re going to get through this, Ali. Everything is going to be OK.’

‘Thanks, Mum. I’d better go now – I love you all.’

I hung up and cried – not the usual desperate tears: these were tinged with hope.