Pinned Up (Pinned Up Trilogy) (34 page)

“I trust you. I know you won’t hurt me on purpose. I have a lot of work to do myself. I’m quick to shut someone out if I feel hurt. Not allowing you the opportunity to explain was wrong. I guess we’ll be learning and growing together. That makes me happy.” I smile lovingly at my man. I caress his face and feel the scar right on his hairline, a reminder of my violent behavior and mistake. “Babe, I really am sorry for hitting you with my shoe. I was just really pissed at the time. I couldn’t think straight, regardless there’s no excuse. I should’ve walked away and not resorted to violence.” Learning from my mistakes makes me wiser, but ignoring them would make me a fool.

Josh gives me a peck on the nose. “I understand. I don’t condone it, but I can comprehend the combination of your hurt and rage. I’m surprised I’m not six feet under, with you being half mafia and half kingpin.” He chuckles. I laugh, the comparison to
The Godfather
and
Scarface
is amusing. I can’t change where I come from, so I might as well embrace it. That doesn’t mean my origins define me.

For the second part of our discussion, I decide to grab two more beers. I need all the liquid courage I can conjure up. Once I return with the drinks, I sit beside him. Slowly, I begin by telling him of the purpose of my visit with Diego. I then proceed with informing him of Diego’s love for Celeste, how he protected her and had her relocated to San Francisco. I also mention that he was responsible for the money I received regularly throughout my life. Josh listens intently without interrupting me. I sigh deeply and take a quick moment to gather my thoughts. Nervously, I proceed to inform him that Diego was responsible for the death of his grandparents along with the murder of Celeste’s best friend. Repeating those words to Josh breaks my heart. My emotions are in a state of chaos. Part of me understands why Diego committed those heinous crimes; the other part is ashamed that he has blood shed of innocent people on his hands. I look down and stare at the beer resting in between my inner thighs.

Josh remains quite for some time and then notices that I’ve completely shut down. “What’s wrong, lovely lady?” Josh asks cautiously. “Why so sad?”

My eyes swell up with unwelcomed tears. Before I can stop myself, I tell Josh the truth. “I know my dad is a horrible person who did malicious things in his life, but I wanna get to know him.” I sob quietly. “I know I should hate him and I should stay away, but I don’t want to. I never craved for the love of my father. I always accepted that he didn’t want me, but now that I know why he left me and the things he’s done to be near me, have me confused. He’s in prison now. He’ll be committed there for life; I don’t want to leave him alone when he needs me the most. In his own way, he loved and protected me. I feel horrible for not wanting to turn my back against him. Your father was just as bad and you’re not allowing him or his death to manipulate your feelings. I feel so weak compared to you.” I confess and begin crying uncontrollably.

Josh places his arm around my shoulder and kisses my cheek in an attempt to comfort me. “Baby, you can’t compare your father to Mateo, they’re two completely different men with the only similarity being the drug business. Mateo was a ruthless man who used his power to have my grandparents killed, he was after my mom to avenge her betrayal, and he wanted me because he saw me as his property. If he loved me like a father, he wouldn’t have hurt my mom. His revenge was more important to him, not my feelings. Things aren’t always black and white. I’ve been waiting for the guilt to consume me after killing him, yet it hasn’t. Instead, I feel relief. Although I don’t have the right to take anyone’s life, I was left with no alternative. I’m content with finally having closure for that chapter of my life and having peace.” Josh stops and lifts my chin with his index finger to ensure he has my undivided attention.

“Your dad loves you. He came to San Francisco the minute he heard Mateo was after you. He had the heart and courage to keep my mom and me safe, despite the orders he was given to follow all those years ago. Your dad also made sure you were financially taken care of, although money doesn’t buy you everything, it was his way of showing you he cared since he couldn’t allow himself near you. He did his best to protect you by staying away from you. He also made the boys who raped you, pay with their lives. I don’t know any parent who wouldn’t have done the same. Was it wrong? Yes. Was it justified? That’s debatable. What isn’t in question is the reason behind your father’s actions. He did it out of love. His feelings for you are so strong that he became filled with rage at the thought of his little girl being violated and treated so inhumanely. You can’t compare your dad with Mateo. He loves you. What he did to my grandparents hurts me because I know the truth will devastate my mom, but she’s a woman who understands reason. He wasn’t able to save everyone. He made a choice and opted to keep my mom safe. Although I resent him, I also have reasons to be grateful to him. If you want to get to know your dad and build a relationship with him…then do it. Don’t let guilt stop you. I’ll support you with whatever decision you make.” Josh embraces me to provide the comfort I desperately need from him.

“Thank you.” I wipe my tears away, gather my hair, and put it in a bun. “I’ll start by writing him letters. Baby steps.” I smile past my waterworks.

The rest of the night we discuss the shootings, his time in jail, and the interrogation he went through with the Feds. “They didn’t have proof I shot Mateo, so they let me go. They weren’t interested in me at all. They had the leader of Los Blancos Cartel dead and the head of the Enemiga Cartel in custody along with some of his lieutenants; I was the least of their concerns.” Josh says matter-of-factly.

“What happened to the gun?” I asked confused.

“Your mom took it.” He shrugs his shoulders and responds nonchalantly.

“What? How do you know? What did she do with it?” Shock doesn’t begin to explain how I feel.

“Kade told me when I was visiting him in the hospital. Later, I thanked your mom. She told me she got rid of it and that I didn’t have anything to worry about. I love how you guys are down for anyone within your circle. I feel pretty special.” He gives me a lazy boyish smirk that instantly makes my heart melt.

“Well, you are special. And my mom is pretty bad ass, now that she’s a cougar and dating Dillon, she’s living on the wild side.” I giggle and accidentally snort. That only makes me laugh harder; too soon my man joins me with his own hysterics.

Then, it hits me. “Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be in Arkansas at some meeting?”

“Yeah, but after I spoke with you, I needed to rush over here. It’s not like you to go chasing after me at work just to talk. I took a chance and decided to confront you with the truth along with my feelings. I’ll do anything for you, baby.” He admits.

“Yes, I can see that. I do have a confession though. I was on full blown stalker mode yesterday. I even went to your house and stayed there waiting for you. I couldn’t wait to be in your arms.” I pout.

“Awww…you stalked me? That’s so fuckin’ sweet, baby. Sometimes you can be so romantic.” He grins at me. “Okay, since we’re confessing here, then let me get this out of my chest. When we went on our first non-date, I rented out the whole shooting range. I wanted you to myself and didn’t want anyone cock blocking, in case I got lucky.” Josh gives a low chuckle.

“I can’t believe you! You planned on getting a taste of my cookie that night? So much for our non-date and you being a gentleman!” I fake an appalled expression.

“Baby, do I need to remind you that you jumped my bones that night? You saw this piece of filet mignon and wanted a bite all for yourself. It’s not my fault you find me so irresistible you just had to rape me in the car. I distinctly recall being at your mercy and loving your warm cookie.” Josh raises his right eyebrow and gives me a devilish smirk.

“I didn’t rape you, rape you…I only raped you. There’s a difference. Besides, not once did I hear you complaining. Hmph…” I look away with my arms crossed.

“Complain? That was the best cookie I’ve ever had!” He laughs.

The remainder of the evening Josh and I cuddle on the couch watching comedy shows I have recorded on my DVR. I feel at peace and after revealing the truth to Josh, I feel as if a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

We continue to drink the night away, neither one of us wanting it to end. A bit after dawn Kade walks in, finds Josh and I pretty buzzed and all over each other.

“Well, well, well, look at what we have here. If it isn’t the two love birds finally reunited.” Kade smirks. “So did you guys fuck and make up? Are we all a big happy family once again? Because I swear, hearing my Cheesecake sing due to depression is a spine-chilling sound. No one should have to endure such torcher.” Kade jokes as his happy mood emanates throughout his face.

My jaw drops. “You’re lucky I just got some, otherwise I’d give you a piece of my mind for making fun of my talented vocal skills. Don’t hate.” I slightly slur. Oh, yeah. The beer is definitely taking a toll.

“There you go, always choppin’ your gums about your dreadful singing. You should concentrate more on your hair. You have a turd on your head for crying out loud! You’re killing me Cheesecake, you’re really killing me.” He laughs out loud.

“Whatever. How did your date go?” I ask curiously.

“It was pretty bad ass! He’s genuinely a nice person and I can tell he’s an undercover freak. I’m seeing him again this weekend. I definitely see potential in him.” He winks at me. “Okay, kids. I’m gonna crash. I’m exhausted. Don’t wake me with all the fucking you’ll be doing.” Kade stops by the hallway before he goes inside his room. “Seriously, I’m glad you guys are back together. I know you’ll be happy, you two were meant for one another…you’re both crazy as shit! That’s for sure.” And with that, my best friend walks away smiling at us.

“Do you think we’re meant for each other?” I turn to Josh and ask him as I analyze his beautiful, honey colored eyes with specks of green and incredibly long lashes.

“Of course! We’ve already established that we both have stalker tendencies and refuse to live without the other. You’re my lady, I’m your fuckin’ man, and that’s how it will always be. Forever. I love you, baby. I’m the gum stuck on your shoe. You’re not getting rid of me that easily ever again. You’re perfect for me and I wanna be the same for you. So, let’s make our relationship beautiful and live a happy life together.” He declares with deep affection in his eyes.

“Good. Because I love you too and never want to leave your side.” I answer simply. Knowing that my man adores me and that our families are safe and happy with their lives, brings me incredible joy; allowing myself to forgive my father, gives me peace of mind. With such positivity in my life, I can now put my demons to rest and live a blissful life with the man I love.

Author’s Biography

C. Michelle loves a good laugh…you know, the type that accidentally makes you snort. Yeah, that kind. Her love of all things funny, romantic, and bad ass led to the writing of her debut novel,
Pinned Up
. C. Michelle resides in northern California with her husband and three children. She is currently working on the completion of the
Pinned Up
trilogy. Initially,
Pinned Up
was written as a stand-alone novel, but since the characters continue to harass her during the middle of the night, while she’s driving, when she’s eating, and while she’s running against her will…she decided to continue with their stories.

C. Michelle earned a Bachelor of Science in Business Management and a Master of Business Administration degree while working as a probation officer and probation counselor. She also served her community as a Victim Awareness Program instructor and an Aggression Replacement Training facilitator.

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