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“What if… what if we’re just using each other and we both get hurt?”

Leah shook her head again. “Don’t you see? You and Will… you wasted so much time worrying about the what ifs. I’m not saying Miguel is the right person for you to be with forever, but if you don’t take a risk now and again, you might miss out on something else that could be amazing. I love you both and you deserve to be happy. If people judge you for trying to move on, they are the ones with the problem.”

Chapter 10 - Space

I wanted to keep Leah’s words in the front of my mind at work the next day. Unfortunately, believing them was impossible when people kept staring at me. My colleagues, my friends, had almost all turned on me based on Tommy’s tiny snippet of gossip. I truly felt as if we’d gone back in time to when Leah cheated on Miguel, and everyone stopped talking to her over a situation they didn’t fully understand.

I tried to put myself in their position. What if this had happened to someone else on the team? Would I have been so quick to judge? Maybe. Probably. One thing I’d learned from Leah was to gather the facts before making a decision but I could see how, on the surface, I looked like a cold-hearted bitch.

Miguel got similar treatment, and every now and then our eyes would meet across the field and we’d have a moment of understanding, a moment of knowing at the end of the day we would get together and talk things through, but we couldn’t do that at work. Not with people watching us. The atmosphere was suffocating; I didn’t feel free to relax because I was over-conscious of what everyone would think if I moved within ten feet of Miguel so I kept as far away as possible.

At lunchtime I didn’t even contemplate going to the restaurant. I slipped out of the training ground and across the street to the diner where there would be fewer eyes on me. Bad move. For whatever reason, I wasn’t the only person who’d chosen to eat there but I’d already ordered a coffee and a wrap before I spotted Tommy and Cody. Hoping they hadn’t seen me, I slipped into the nearest booth and took a few deep breaths.

Of all the people who could have been there.

“Hiding, are we?”

Tommy’s voice caused goose bumps to ripple over my skin. He and I had never been friends but he’d never spoken to me so coldly before. Cody was by his side, his feet shifting awkwardly.

“Please. I just want to eat my lunch.”

“You’re all about getting what you want, huh? You and Miguel been going at it on the side the whole time? Or did you just spot an opportunity?”

“Tommy, come on,” Cody said, as the stabbing pains began in my stomach. “Don’t do this.”

The world blurred as Tommy turned to Cody, snarling. “I know you don’t think what she did is okay. You just said-”

I didn’t want to know what Cody “just said”. My heart pounded, and moisture covered my palms again as anxiety gripped me in its hold. I couldn’t move.

“Quit it,” Cody interrupted. “This is not our business.”

“We’re a team! And she fucked Will over! She’s probably been fucking him over the whole time!”

I clutched my hands to my stomach as sickness crept up my throat. Heartbeat too fast. Palms sweaty. Dizzy. Blurry. I leaned forward slightly, trying to draw in some deep breaths but I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Tommy’s words crashed over me, raining down on my body like physical blows and allowing the anxiety to drag me in further, to where it had threatened to pull me all morning. I wanted to scream, or move, or cry, but I couldn’t make my body do anything. It froze and all I could do was hug my arms around myself to block out the oncoming chill.

“Stop it!” Cody squeezed into the booth beside me, trying to unwind an arm from around my stomach but I held firm, not wanting to let go of my little cocoon of safety. “Freya, you need to calm down, okay? Give me your hand.” When I shook my head, Cody took a firm hold of my wrist and pulled it away from me towards him then wrapped his fingers around mine. Instantly the panic grabbed me again and I gasped out a breath as I looked up at him.

“It’s okay,” he said gently, pushing his dark hair out of his green eyes so he could focus on me. “You’re okay. Breathe with me.”

He took a deep breath in, his eyes still on mine, and then blew it out slowly. He repeated the action a couple more times until I joined in, and little by little my muscles unclenched, the nausea passed and my heartbeat slowed to its normal pace. When he was sure I was okay he let go of my hand.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, finally able to see the world around me again. Tommy was nowhere in sight. “Why did you do that? Why did you help me?”

“My sister suffers from anxiety attacks. I’ve had to calm her down many times and I know how bad it can get. I couldn’t leave you here alone.”

“What about what Tommy said?” My heart rate picked up again as I asked the question, waiting for his response.

“I don’t like what I know about you and Miguel, and I don’t support it. I can’t. I can’t understand how you could move on from Will so fast, and especially not with his best friend. But you’re still my teammate and that means I’ve got your back.”

My meltdown left me lacking the brainpower to defend myself. I didn’t know if it was worth it anyway since he and everybody else had made up their minds.

“Why did Tommy talk to me that way?” I picked up a napkin from the table and began idly folding it between my fingers. “He doesn’t know anything. Nobody does.”

“Tommy can be an asshole and I will kick his butt for being such a dick about this. But he saw what he saw. You know how much everyone loved Will so what did you think would happen if you dated Miguel?”

“You think
I
didn’t love him? You think I don’t still love him?” I sighed, still unable to find the right words and not wanting to waste an explanation on someone who didn’t want to listen. “Thank you for being here for me, but I’m okay now.”

Cody nodded, his long fringe falling over his eyes again. “See you later.”

Cody left the diner, taking my appetite with him, but I made myself stay and forced myself to eat even though every mouthful made me gag.

The reaction from my teammates was hurtful but not surprising. Leah was right when she said that the people who mattered were the ones who would wait for the truth, but I’d expected more from Cody. I appreciated him sticking with me through my panic, but ultimately, he felt the same way as everyone else.

My instincts urged me to tell Richard I wanted to go home but I refused to walk away and give people more to talk about. My whole body ached from the tension I’d held during my freak out but I pushed through it as best as I could. Weirdly, Richard was the only person who hadn’t given me even a hint of a strange look. Perhaps he hadn’t heard the rumours yet, but he would in due course.  I was happy to leave that conversation for a bit longer, and I didn’t even shower before I left work at the end of the day. I bolted to my car and drove home as fast as the busy L.A roads would let me.

Later, when I’d showered and changed, and was enjoying the evening sunshine out on my balcony, the first peace I’d had all day was disturbed by what sounded like paper rustling. I stepped inside and closed the balcony doors. The noise was coming from my front door. Puzzled, I walked across the living room and down the hallway. A piece of paper had been slipped through the gap under my door and I leaned down to pick it up.

It was me. The photograph Miguel took of me at the roller rink before the evening had turned to shit. That woman was not the same woman who held the picture now. The woman in the photograph had let go of her sadness and claimed a moment of joy. The woman holding the photograph had almost forgotten how good it felt.

I reached for the door handle and turned it, not really expecting Miguel to still be there. However, the sight that greeted me made my tension dissolve in an instant.

Miguel stood in front of me dressed in red pants, black shoes and white socks, and a red and black leather jacket; a replica of the jacket Michael Jackson wore in the
Thriller
video. He looked both ridiculous and awesome at the same time, and when he did the weird neck wiggle thing the zombies do after they’ve risen from under the ground, I lost it. My shoulders shook with giggles and I fell back against the wall, clutching my stomach as my stress dispersed into the atmosphere.

“Can I come in?”

All I could do was nod, and Miguel stepped inside. As he closed the door, he grinned. “That’s better.”

Peeling myself from the wall, my eyes still streaming with tears, I said, “Did you really have that outfit in your closet?”

Miguel shook his head, his cheeks reddening slightly. “No. I bought it today because I thought it would make you laugh.”

That was Miguel. Always willing to do something silly if it would make someone feel better. Still clutching the photo he’d slid through my door before shattering my composure with his costume, I let him pull me into his arms.

“Thank you.” I rested my hands on his back, and for a moment, the world was brighter again.

“How are you doing?”

“Better now. But before you got here, I was trying to figure out how to stop everyone treating us like crap.”

I briefly explained what had happened with Tommy and Cody at lunchtime.

“Yeah, that was pretty much how my day went too. I got hounded in the locker room by almost everyone. Jude was pretty upset.”

“God, what’s wrong with everyone? Why is nobody interested in finding out the truth?”

“I don’t know. But I did get a call from Leah yesterday.”

I nodded, my head still buried against his chest where I could smell the heady mix of his cologne and shower gel. “I thought you might. What did she say?”

“She said whatever we decide to do, she’ll support us, and that if we need to hide out, we’re more than welcome to go to her place.”

I chuckled. “Right. She and Radleigh should consider changing the name of their house to McCoy’s Home for Waifs and Strays.”

“Ha, I’ll suggest that the next time I see her.”

With a sigh, I pulled away from him. “Miguel…”

His brown eyes filled with a sad sparkle. “I know what you’re going to say.”

“You do?”

He nodded. “You want us to put this on hold, or away forever, so we don’t have to deal with other people’s opinions.” He knew me too well. Or maybe it was obvious that we didn’t have any other options. “I understand. It’s probably for the best, but just so you know, I don’t want this to be the answer.”

“I don’t know what I want the answer to be,” I admitted, leaning forward and pressing my forehead against his chest. “I just know that now isn’t the right time to figure it out.”

Miguel’s hand burrowed inside my hair, and my resolve weakened for a second because I felt his disappointment and compassion like a physical presence running through my veins, as if he’d poured it into my body so it soaked into every part of me. The reality was, I couldn’t get past the point I’d brought up with Leah. What if none of this was real? What if it was just two people leaning on each other through a rough time, and at some point, one of us got hurt? I wasn’t sure how much more pain either of us could handle so if we both got hurt a little now, wasn’t it better than one of us hurting a lot later?

“Can we still hang out?” Miguel asked. “More than anything, I don’t want us to have to stop seeing each other just because people are talking. We were friends before this started, and I don’t want to lose you completely.”

“Me neither, but maybe… just for a week or two, could we take some time out? If we take a break maybe these feelings will start to make sense.”

He nodded but his body tensed. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”

I lifted my head to look into his eyes. “It’s not what I want, but it’s what we need. Some space. All those people today glaring at me, some of them telling me I’ve forgotten Will and questioning whether I loved him… I can’t fight that, especially not if people think you and I are together. It shouldn’t matter what they think, but it does. It matters if they think Will meant nothing to me when he meant everything. He still does.”

“I know.” Miguel leaned down and kissed me lightly on the cheek, his lips lingering for a moment before he pulled away. “I know.”

Before Miguel and I took the break we needed, we spent a couple of hours the way we’d gotten so used to. Sitting in the cosy corner of my living room playing video games and shutting the rest of the world out. The atmosphere was tinged with sadness, both of us emitting our true feelings in a way words couldn’t express. Being apart for a while was the only solution but I knew the moment the words left my lips how much I’d miss him, and the way life became bearable again when we were together. It took a colossal amount of strength to stop myself breaking down and telling him I’d changed my mind but I had to stick with it. Had to distance myself so I could think clearly and find out if I could move forward alone for a while.

Chapter 11 – Baby

It took a week and a half for my teammates to quit with the dirty looks and the shitty comments - most of which came from Tommy. As much as I hated it, at least he had the balls to say what he thought, unlike everyone else who had a hard time looking me in the eye. People I’d expected to hear me out, such as Jude and Cody, kept their distance, only talking to me about work-related topics. The camaraderie had gone, and Miguel experienced the same kind of freeze-out on his side of the field. For a team that prided itself on the closeness of its members, they sure could turn quickly. I truly understood their feelings but I didn’t understand their lack of compassion towards Miguel and me; people they’d known for many years. They should have listened, should have tried harder to understand, and should have known us well enough to realise how hard the situation was for us. Instead, they focused on the betrayal. I only hoped none of them ever experienced something similar; lost a person who meant the world to them and had to figure out how to go on living without them. If they did, maybe then they’d understand that grieving is not a black and white thing. It can’t be measured by time and the ways of coping don’t follow one single path. Paths cross, lines blur in unexpected ways, and things that would never have made sense before suddenly look different.

Keeping away from Miguel was harder than I’d expected. We hadn’t made any rules that we couldn’t speak to each other, but with everyone so edgy about what happened between us it was easier if we didn’t, especially at work. The distance cast a huge shadow over me, one I’d fought hard to shake off, and it also put my resolve to the test. Part of the reason for the separation was so I could find my footing alone. At some point, I had to start standing on my own two feet, and if I was going to find a way through the mess I needed to remind myself who I was. To remind myself of the strong woman who used to live inside me, before she died with Will and left me an empty shell.

Life in Westberg became kind of dull for a while. The major events were Cody doing the unexpected and actually dating Ashley from the roller rink, Bryce getting an ankle sprain which put him out of action, and Leah’s brother, sister-in-law, and niece and nephew arriving for a vacation.

I’d met Leah’s family in London the year before, and it was great to see them again. Leah invited Bree and me over for dinner one evening, since Leah’s nephew, Jamie, had apparently been talking about us; I guess we made a good impression on him. Jamie had had a growth spurt since the previous September, and at nine years old, he was now the same height as Leah. His hair had darkened a little too; he was going to be a heartbreaker in a few years.

At the end of the Walker family’s first week in Westberg, Josh, Christina and Grace headed to Florida for a few days. The original plan was for Leah to take care of Jamie
and
Grace while Josh and Christina took a few days for themselves. The kids couldn’t wait to spend time with their Auntie Leah, but since she was so heavily pregnant she couldn’t keep up with a two-year-old, so Josh and Christina took Grace with them, leaving just Jamie with Leah and Radleigh.

Leah had, quite bravely, decided to throw a small pool party for Jamie’s first weekend in L.A; mostly to give him something to do that didn’t involve her leaving the house since she could barely move anymore. The Warriors had a game in Atlanta, Georgia, but due to the overwhelming amount of stress I’d been under, Richard had allowed me the weekend off.

So, on Saturday afternoon, Leah’s backyard was the busiest it had been a while. As well as Leah, Jamie and I, Leah had invited Bree, Jesse and Isabelle, and Bryce and his three daughters, Peyton, Ava and Piper. We figured the guys could fire up the barbecue while the women and children splashed around in the pool.

Since I hadn’t officially met Isabelle yet because of the chaos at the roller disco, I was excited to finally get the chance. The kids played in the pool with the vast array of inflatable toys Bryce and Jesse had blown up, the guys and Bree had got in with them, and Leah was in the kitchen making drinks. Isabelle and I kept a safe distance from the mayhem and sat on the comfy sun loungers.

Isabelle no longer looked terrified being around so many new people; in fact, she’d been brave enough to strip down to black and white striped shorts and a black bikini to enjoy the sunshine. A book rested on the floor beside her chair.

“How are you enjoying being in Los Angeles?” I asked her, knowing it was the lamest question ever but also the easiest stepping stone into a conversation.

Isabelle smiled brightly. “It’s strange and incredible. I’ve pinched myself every morning to make sure I’m really here because coming to a place like this doesn’t happen to girls like me. I’ve dragged Jesse to every tourist spot in the city and everywhere I go, I fall in love with this place more and more. I don’t want go home.”

“When do you leave?”

“Friday, but Jesse and I are blocking it out at the moment. Probably on Monday it’ll start to hit us, but for now we’re taking everything a minute at a time.”

She shifted her gaze to the pool where Jesse was wrestling with Jamie for a blow-up alligator; both of them laughing and teasing each other good-naturedly. Her smile widened as she watched him and I couldn’t help smiling too. They had their whole lives ahead of them; they were so lucky.

“You’re the first person not to ask me when I’m moving here permanently,” Isabelle said, turning to me again. “Thank you.”

I laughed. “Well, Jesse said you’re still at university so I figured if it’s going to happen it won’t be for a while.”

“Yeah. Plus, we only met in December. That’s seven months, and who moves across the world for someone after seven months at our age? Anything could happen, and if we can survive for at least a bit longer being so far apart, I think we’ll be better prepared for making big decisions. I’m looking into transferring here for my third year, and until then, Jesse plans to come back to London when the football season ends and I’ll come here with him during uni holidays.” She shrugged. “We’ll see.”

Isabelle was about as different from Taylor as it was possible to be, and it was obvious why Jesse had fallen for her so hard. She was cute, and sweet, and smart. Everything that can be so difficult to find, especially for a well-known sports star. She was unassuming but optimistic about their future and I had a sneaking suspicion they would make it work, whatever it took.

“I was really sorry to hear about your boyfriend,” Isabelle said timidly. “I might be wrong to bring this up, it’s just Jesse always spoke so fondly of you and Will, and when he told me what happened, even though we never met, I felt terrible.”

Her sad smile, the one I’d seen on so many faces since Will died, didn’t affect me the way it usually did. Perhaps because, although her eyes were full of sympathy, they also held optimism instead of gloom . It was refreshing.

“Thanks, Isabelle. It’s been a rough year so far but I’ve got some incredible friends who have been supportive.”

Isabelle glanced down at her lap for a moment. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“This is none of my business and I wouldn’t usually try to barge into a situation I know nothing about, but a lot of things were said at Cody’s party after you left. But there was something I noticed about you that nobody else mentioned.” Curious, I tilted my head to one side and Isabelle’s cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry. It really is none of my business.”

“No, please. Go on.”

“I saw you when I first walked into the party with Jesse; I don’t know why, maybe it was your outfit that caught my attention.” I laughed; my costume was pretty out there. “You looked sad even though you were smiling, and the photographer in me wanted to take your picture right there and then because it seemed so poignant. You were with your circle of friends at this happy occasion where everything was so bright and colourful, but your eyes held such a contrast to the things around you. Later, when you were skating, I saw a different you. One who was free, and I wanted to take your photo again but Miguel kind of stole my thunder.” She smiled. “When you were with him the sadness disappeared. When that guy came over and said he’d seen you two kissing, I couldn’t help wondering why nobody else saw the bigger picture. The difference in you when you were with Miguel.” She shook her head as if physically removing herself from the memory. “I’m sorry. I probably sound really stupid.”

I let her words sink in for a moment. That Isabelle had noticed so much was amazing to me. She’d seen the things Leah saw, and the things I felt, and she didn’t even know me.

“It’s not stupid,” I told her. “It’s smart. But the reason nobody else saw it was because it was so unexpected to them. They saw how much I struggled since Will died, and then they saw me with Miguel. To them, it’s like I’ve cut Will off and moved along to someone else.”

“But you haven’t. You’re still hurting.”

I nodded.
If only they knew how much.

“For what it’s worth, I think anything that makes you happy is worth pursuing.”

With a happy sigh at her understanding, I said, “You’d better pack your bags and get moving over here soon, honey. I think you’ll fit in perfectly.”

Isabelle laughed. “Thanks.”

“Thank
you
.” I sat up, and stretched my arms out before standing. “I’m gonna go give Leah a hand with the drinks. Catch you later.”

Talking to Isabelle left me with a similar feeling as talking to Bree did. Uplifted, but without the slight headache from the speed Bree switched topics.

A little clarity was what I’d needed, and in the time I’d been away from Miguel, everything was still fuzzy. Isabelle’s observations made things a little clearer but what she saw were things I already knew. I knew being with Miguel made me happy, made me feel like myself again. The issues were me beating myself up over it and everyone we knew adding their opinions to the mix.

My unfinished thoughts ground to an abrupt halt when I reached Leah’s kitchen and found her leaning forward, her palms pressing into the marble counter beside the sink. Her black hair fell in front of her face as she breathed deeply.

“Leah?”

Her head snapped towards me, her cheeks flushed and her forehead dripping with sweat. “Oh, thank God. Freya… I think the baby’s coming.”

I took a step closer to her, sure I’d misheard. “What?”

“I’ve been getting pains since yesterday evening, but I’m not due for three weeks. I thought it was Braxton Hicks but the pains have been getting worse for the last hour, and… I’m scared.” With one more long breath out, Leah straightened up and grabbed my hand.

“Erm… okay. Leah, are you sure this is it?”

“No. Not sure, but I think so.” She swallowed hard as the reality hit her. She squeezed my hands, her eyes widening in panic. “Jesus Christ. If this… if I’m really having the baby now, how am I…? Three weeks early! Radleigh’s in another state, I’ve got Jamie to take care of, there’s a party in the back garden and this fucking hurts!”

“Okay.” I had to take charge and calm her down before she ended up giving birth on her kitchen floor. I led her across the kitchen to one of the chairs around the breakfast table and sat her down. “Wait there. I’ll be right back.”

I rushed out the back door trying to look as if nothing was wrong but my heart was racing. The baby was coming three weeks too soon. I knew premature babies could get sick if they came too early, but I wasn’t sure if three weeks meant Leah and the baby were completely out of danger or if there were still risks. Oh God. Please. None of us could handle anymore tragedy. This had to be okay.

Calm down. It might not even be the real thing.

I wasn’t buying it. I called Bryce over because, as a father of three, he’d have a much better idea of what was happening than I did.

After ensuring Jesse and Bree would watch the kids, Bryce carefully heaved himself out of the pool, water dripping down his toned chest, and I swallowed a laugh. When Leah first moved to Westberg we’d had many conversations about Bryce’s chest and she was missing seeing him as droplets trickled down his skin.

“What’s up?” he asked, pushing his wet hair out of his eyes.

“It’s Leah. She’s in the kitchen. She thinks the baby’s coming.”

“Now?!”

“Yes, and I need you to help us figure out whether she really is or if it’s just a false alarm.”

I grabbed his hand and dragged him back across the yard; no easy task when he couldn’t walk properly with his injury. I’d forgotten he was supposed to use his crutches which he’d left by the pool. I stopped Bryce, cussed quietly, then ran to get them so he could move without making his ankle any worse. When we got back to the kitchen Leah was staring into space, her foot tapping manically.

“You okay?” Bryce asked, stopping in front of her.

Even potentially in labour, Leah flashed me a quick look of appreciation, making me cough to hide another laugh.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t think so, but I’m hoping the baby will stay inside me until tomorrow afternoon when Radleigh gets back.”

“What’s happened so far?”

Leah repeated what she’d told me about the pains in her stomach, adding that she had an ache in her lower back too.

“You need to go to the hospital now, Leah.” Bryce’s face was serious and I grabbed his arm again.