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Chapter 13 - Perfect

“Freya.”

I didn’t think I was tired but I must have drifted off to sleep in the waiting room. I jolted at the sound of Radleigh’s voice and blinked as I looked up at him, noticing the grin on his face as my vision cleared.

“It’s a girl.”

I leapt out of my seat, almost losing my balance from jumping up so fast, threw my arms around him – something I’d never done before – and hugged him tightly. “Congratulations! Is everyone okay?”

“Everyone’s perfect. You wanna come in and meet our little girl?”

“Hell yes!”

I unwound my arms from around him and he said, “Hold on.” I halted my footsteps towards Leah’s room. “You’ve been awesome today… or since yesterday, and I know you’re tired but I need a favour.” I tipped my head to one side, waiting. “Leah has something she wants to tell you, so I said I’d go grab a coffee and some food while you two talk. I’m actually going home; there’s something I need to get, but please don’t tell her I’ve left. I’ll be back as soon as I can, but can you stay with her until then?”

“Sure, but what’s so urgent that you need to go right now?” He’d just become a father, and the look on his face clearly told me he couldn’t wait to get back to his girls.

He grinned again. “You’ll see.”

Radleigh should have been as tired as me, probably more so, but he sped out of the hospital and I couldn’t help wondering what he was up to. I looked at my watch. I’d been asleep for more than an hour so I guessed he’d spent a little time with Leah and the baby before running off. I shook my head as I headed to Leah’s room; all would become clear soon. Hopefully.

As I opened the door, Leah looked up and the sheer joy on her face made my heart leap and tears fall from my eyes. My beautiful best friend, exhausted but radiating happiness, sat in her bed holding her new born baby girl close to her.

“There’s someone over here waiting to meet you,” she said, her own eyes filling up.

She shuffled carefully backwards, wincing slightly at the movement, and I perched on the edge of the bed beside her. Leah gently moved the white blanket slightly away from her daughter’s face so I could see her better.

Perfect. Just perfect.

She was so tiny, with a cute little button nose and a light covering of jet black hair. Her eyes were squeezed shut and I wished she would wake up, just so I could see what colour they were.

“Leah,” I breathed. “She’s gorgeous.”

She laughed softly. “I think so, but I’m kind of biased.”

“I can’t believe how small she is.” I reached out and gently touched her tiny hand; her skin silky smooth under my fingers.

“Six pounds exactly.” Leah gazed fondly at her baby girl then looked up at me. “Do you want to hold her?”

I nodded, trying to contain my emotions as I leaned forwards and very gently took her from Leah, cradling her in my arms. She wriggled a little at being disturbed, her pink lips pursing for a second, making Leah and I laugh before she settled down again. I dipped my head and lightly kissed her forehead, breathing in that special baby scent and causing another flutter inside my chest. I was already in love with this tiny human, and again I stroked my fingers across hers, mesmerized.

Leah gently ran her fingertips over her baby’s hair. “This is Auntie Freya,” she said softly. “Auntie Freya is Mummy’s best friend, and I think she’s going to spoil you rotten.”

“No doubt.” I laughed. “And just wait until you meet Auntie Bree. You’ll have the most clothes any baby has ever had.”

Leah chuckled then closed her hand over mine. I tore my eyes away from the sight that had me so enchanted and looked up at Leah. Her eyes still sparkled with unshed tears, and she took a deep breath. “Auntie Freya, I’d like to properly introduce you to your honorary niece, Jessica Willa McCoy.”

My eyes widened. All sound in the room ceased to exist as my heart seemed to swell inside my chest. “Willa,” I whispered.

Leah nodded. “Radleigh and I talked about names over and over, never reaching a conclusion, but when we saw her it suddenly became clear.” She smiled, the first tear falling from her eyes. “Freya, I can’t explain how much you and Will meant to me from the second I moved to Westberg, and all the support you both gave me through so many things made all the hard days so much better. Will was honest, straight-talking, dedicated, kind, generous, and he loved his friends so much. I want my little girl to be all those things too, just like her Uncle Will. I want a part of him to always be remembered. I couldn’t think of a better way to do it.”

With her words we both broke down and I snuggled into her as she wrapped her arm around me.

Bittersweet. The only way to describe the moment; crying with my best friend over someone we’d lost while celebrating someone we’d gained. The love in the small room wrapped us in its embrace, holding us tight as we sat in silent appreciation of each other.

In my arms, Jessica let out a small whimper.

“I know,” I said, softly. “It’s an emotional day, huh?” I ran my fingers across her cheek again. “I think I should give you back to Mommy before I steal you away, little one.”

Leah laughed as we shifted positions and I handed Jessica back to her. “You’ll be first on the list for babysitting duties.”

“I can’t wait.”

With Jessica in her arms again, Leah closed her eyes and took a long breath in, the corners of her lips lifting.

“Leah?”

“Yeah?” She didn’t open her eyes.

“Thank you. For Jessica’s name, and for putting up with me at my worst. I wouldn’t be where I am without you.”

“Right back at ya, babe.”

“Do you want to sleep?”

“Yes.” She laughed and opened her eyes. “But not yet. Right now I want to sit here with you and my baby.”

That was exactly what we did. We sat; no need for words, both of us entranced by Jessica. Every tiny movement or sound she made captured our attention until she settled, and then we waited quietly until she moved again. She was utterly fascinating, and with both Leah and I so tired, we barely had the energy to do anything more than watch her as she slept.

Radleigh returned more than an hour later, and it was clear from his dark eyes and dishevelled appearance that he was starting to feel the tiredness too, but he grinned that special grin he reserved for Leah and she roused from her semi-conscious state. He kissed her then placed a soft kiss on Jessica’s cheek before sitting beside her on the other side of the bed from me.

“My girls all okay?”

Leah nodded. “Ready to sleep soon.”

“Me too. But before we do that, I have something funny to show you.” Radleigh pulled his cell phone from his pocket and brushed his thumb across the screen then turned the phone towards Leah and me.

“Oh my God!” I said, as Leah and I burst out laughing.

On the screen was a photo of Leah and Radleigh’s living room. Bree and Jamie were asleep on one of the leather sofas, and Bryce was asleep on the other. Isabelle and Jesse were snuggled up together on the floor, both of them sleeping too. They all looked horribly uncomfortable; they must have crashed out while keeping Jamie’s mind off what was happening at the hospital.

“We have great friends.” Leah giggled. “Wait.” She turned to Radleigh. “You went home?”

He nodded. “I have something for you, but I need you to close your eyes.”

“If I close my eyes I’ll fall asleep.”

“No you won’t. You’re too curious to fall asleep.”

She threw a mock glare his way because she knew he was right. Exhausted as she was, her interest had been piqued. As her eyelids lowered, Radleigh stuffed his cell back into his left jeans pocket, and drew something else from his right pocket.

My hand flew up to my mouth to stop me gasping out loud. I jerked my head towards the door, silently telling him I’d leave but he smiled and shook his head.

“Stay,” he mouthed. “Please.”

I’d left the delivery room for Jessica’s birth because I didn’t want to be in the way, but this felt like an even bigger intrusion. A moment for two people only.

“Please,” he mouthed again.

I nodded and moved from the bed to the chair beside the bed, my pulse racing at the enormity of what I was about to witness. I wasn’t sure how much more my heart could handle before it combusted from the sheer joy of the last couple of hours.

“Okay, you can open your eyes,” Radleigh said.

As Leah’s eyelids fluttered open, her gaze landed on the small velvet box in Radleigh’s hand. Her eyes widened as she looked from the box to Radleigh.

He smiled. “I’ve been waiting for the right moment to do this for a while. I didn’t know it would be today, but the second the nurses handed our baby to you, I wished more than anything I’d carried this with me everywhere.” He flipped the lid of the box, revealing an understated but beautiful diamond engagement ring. Leah’s whole body began to tremble as Radleigh shuffled off the bed and got down on one knee. “That day in London, when I begged you to give us a chance, I didn’t expect things to move so fast but when you told me you were pregnant I knew I wanted you and our baby more than I’ve ever wanted anything.” He glanced at Jessica, smiling, before looking back up at Leah. “I love you both so much.” Radleigh paused and drew in a deep breath. “Leah Walker, will you marry me?”

Leah nodded, barely managing to squeak out a “Yes” before the tears fell again. Radleigh stood up and carefully placed the ring on her finger then kissed her softly. Leah snuggled into him, blissfully happy and I stood up, hoping to sneak away without breaking their moment.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Leah asked.

“Dammit! I was trying to be subtle!”

“I let you stay for a reason,” Radleigh said, laughing. “You don’t have to go.”

He didn’t need to explain his reasons; I knew. He understood my friendship with Leah, knew how much a part of each other’s lives we were and that the significant moments would always be shared. He was grateful I’d been there for Leah, and although I wouldn’t have minded leaving during the proposal, I loved that he didn’t mind me being there.

“Congratulations,” I said, grinning as I hugged them both, being very careful not to squish Jessica in the process. “But seriously, you three need some time alone, and we all need some rest. Let’s crash for a while, and I’ll be back to see you later.”

After a long goodbye filled with more congratulatory hugs and kisses, I made my way to the parking lot. Tired as I was, I couldn’t contemplate driving my car; it was way too dangerous. Instead, I called a cab, and I finally crawled into bed at seven-thirty a.m; exhausted and happier than I’d been in a very long time.

Chapter 14 – Something Unexpected

I didn’t sleep for as long as I’d hoped. Five hours later I was awake again, and my body cried out for sustenance. I hadn’t eaten anything more than a protein bar in almost twenty-four hours, so I poured myself a small bowl of cereal to graze on while I made blueberry pancakes; my favourite weekend treat.

My head and my heart were still full to the brim with excitement for Leah and Radleigh. As I ate my breakfast on the balcony, I let my mind replay the day before. Two major events had occurred, but from and around them, many other things had happened too. I’d met Isabelle who had taught me some things about myself I’d tried to hide from. I’d taken care of someone who was having a baby, and spent many hours doing nothing but talking to Leah; a luxury we hadn’t had time for in a while. I’d cemented a friendship with Radleigh that was based on more than me just being Leah’s friend.

Most importantly, I’d gained a little clarity.

Huge, life-changing events put things into perspective. They can also throw everything out of focus just as easily; something I was all-too familiar with. The twists and turns throughout the year so far had left my head spinning more times than I could count, but I finally felt like the spinning had stopped, or at least slowed down to a bearable pace.

Jessica Willa McCoy. That little girl didn’t even know how much love she was going to get. She would have been special to me no matter what, but Leah and Radleigh’s touching gesture made her more so. Will would always be in my life in one way or another; that was a given. But trying to stay physically close to him was an unhealthy habit I should have dropped a while ago. Now his memory would live on beyond those who knew him, to another generation. I couldn’t wait to tell Jessica all about Will, and maybe show her the photo album my friends had made for me.

The photo album.

I still hadn’t looked at it. Miguel and I had meant to and then…

I carried my plate of pancakes inside and set it down on the coffee table then sat down on the floor and pulled the book of memories out.

I smoothed my hand over the front cover before opening it up, determined to get past the first page this time. It was easier now; I was ready. Each page turn took me back to a different time and place. An early newspaper photo of the Westberg coaches shortly after I’d joined the team showed Will and I standing beside each other before our friendship had really taken hold. Another photo from training showed me squirting a bottle of water over him and him staring up at me in horror because it wasn’t the end of the day yet, and how could he possibly work in wet clothes? That memory was one of many from before Will learned to lighten up. Later photos showed us sightseeing in different cities, and the one of Will on a night out after someone had placed a blonde wig on his head made me laugh out loud. There were tears in my eyes as I turned the pages and I still felt the usual ache inside me when I thought of him, but now I could laugh as I remembered the good times.

The shift in my feelings had happened slowly and then all at once. Small parts of myself had been pieced back together, and while I had a long way to go, every day was easier.

I’d made a decision the night before. A decision that would change everything, and would maybe make my teammates see me as a completely different person. I
was
a different person; you can’t lose someone who meant the world to you and not change. But the difference wasn’t the one they thought. I hadn’t become heartless, and I wasn’t confused anymore. My heart continued to hurt every day, making its presence known, but it had healed a little. Enough to allow me to feel its beat and not hate myself for experiencing emotion again.

There were three things on my to-do-list that day, and two of them had to wait for several hours which meant the hardest of all tasks had been bumped to the top.

I stared at Will’s photo album, my eyes still on the last photo, of us together in London. The night he told me he loved me for the first time. I ran my fingers across his cheek.

“I need to do this now.”

I picked up my empty plate and put it in the kitchen sink before showering and dressing. Then I remembered I’d left my car at the hospital. Visiting the hospital was one of the things I had on my list of things to do, but I didn’t want to disturb Leah and Radleigh just yet. Getting a cab there and not seeing them was hard but there was a much more pressing issue I had to deal with.

As I sat down beside Will’s grave the way I’d done so many times before, I let out a sigh. Everything was so different since the last time I went there, and a small knot formed in my stomach because I knew this was the last time I’d do this. Of course, I’d still visit his grave, but it was the last time I’d visit with the sole intention of telling him the things I needed to say. The things I wanted him to hear.

“So, I haven’t been brave enough to visit for a while,” I began. “I’ve been ashamed, scared, confused, and a bunch of other feelings too complicated to explain. Here’s the thing, though. I didn’t know how to talk to you with so much craziness going on. Maybe it’s true what people say, that you’re watching over me. If it is true then you already know what’s happening. If you know, I hope you don’t hate me. I doubt you could hate me more than I hated myself at first.” I placed my hand on Will’s headstone then leaned my head against it, my entire body filling with grief as strong as the day he died. “I miss you so much, Will. I’ll always love you and you’ll always be the one. The one I should have spent my life with. But you’re not here and I’ve had the hardest time accepting that. How could I? Everything we had planned was snatched away in a second and I was left here trying to figure out what to do. It’s not over yet. I’m still going to struggle every day, but something happened along the way. Something unexpected.” I paused, ready to speak my feelings out loud, not just to Will but for myself. “Miguel and I… I don’t even know what we are, or what it means, but I think it means
something
. Maybe we’ll fall in love, or maybe we’ll just hold onto each other until we feel whole again. I don’t know where it’ll go, but I hope you understand. I hope you know nobody could ever replace you. But right now, this is what I need.”

I closed my eyes, relief flooding through me. I couldn’t know if Will had heard my confession, or felt the love I held for him, but somewhere inside me I believed he did. The words needed to be spoken aloud, for me and for him, and now it was done, all I could do for the next few hours was wait to check off the next important thing on my list.

I sat at Will’s grave for a long time; longer than I had in months. Part of the reason was because I had a long wait ahead of me, but mostly I just needed to be there, thinking about him and what was to come. When I eventually left and headed home, I felt as if my batteries had been re-charged and I was actually ready to do something without the weight of guilt hanging over me. Something that was just for me, and screw what anyone thought.

At seven-thirty that evening, I sat on the steps in front of Miguel’s house, my feet drumming anxiously as I waited. He’d be arriving any minute, and my stomach was knotted up, my heart pounding a noisy rhythm in my chest. I was like a one-woman band that nobody could hear but me.

I wasn’t sure what made me so nervous; maybe it was simply the admission of the truth but there was also a bit of me that thought Miguel might have given up on me. I wouldn’t have blamed him, not when I’d been so back and forth, and then pushed him right away when things got tough. At this point, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’d realised I didn’t
need
Miguel, or at least not as much as I’d needed him before. I wanted him back in my life, and I wanted to
have
a life again.

When the cab stopped outside Miguel’s house, my vision blurred the way it did when I was about to have an anxiety attack. This
was
a big deal, but not something that had the potential to set me back. I internally told the panic to leave me alone; I was stronger than that now and I could do this. I rose to my feet as Miguel got out of the cab, and when he saw me he stopped abruptly.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Miguel dropped his suitcase to the ground and watched me, waiting. On quivering legs, I walked down the steps and joined him on the sidewalk as the taxi drove away. My heart continued to pound, beating harder when his brown eyes locked on to mine and he smiled.

“What’s up, Freya?”

This was it. The moment I’d thought about since I woke up. The words I’d wanted to say dried up with him looking at me so intently, so I remained silent for a little longer, studying his face while I waited for the words to re-appear.

I’d looked into Miguel’s eyes a million times, seen his smile a million times. I’d never drowned in the depths of those chocolate browns before, though. Never allowed myself to stare at his full lips and think about kissing them. Now it was all I could think about, and I reached for his hand, linking my fingers through his.

“Six months ago, I lost the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with,” I began, looking down at our joined hands. “That still hurts every single day. It’s going to hurt for a long time, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I don’t need to tell you how much I loved Will; you already know. And nobody could ever take his place. But then there was you.” I lifted my head, our eyes connecting again. “One of my best friends. Everything between us has shocked me and confused me, but it’s also helped to heal me. You know what I did yesterday?” Miguel shook his head. “I sat with Leah through most of her labour. I was the second person to meet her and Radleigh’s baby girl.”

Miguel smiled. “That’s awesome.”

I nodded, tearing up at the memory. “It was, and seeing Leah and Radleigh with their baby made me realise something. It doesn’t matter how unconventional a relationship is, or what other people think about it. What matters is what’s happening within that relationship.” I let go of Miguel’s hands and lightly rested my hands on his waist, taking a deep breath. “I think you were right. I’d like to do what you wanted to do all along. I don’t know how this will work, and I’m not ready to make any kind of commitment, but I want us to just go with our feelings and see where we end up. Life is way too short not to try to be happy. I want to try.”

Miguel closed his eyes for a second then reached up to hold my face in his hands. “Are you sure about this?” His gaze seemed to stare straight through to my soul.

“I’m sure.”

“So… it’s okay to kiss you right now?” he asked, his feet shuffling forward slightly.

I nodded. “Yes.”

A smile graced his lips before he softly pressed his mouth against mine and pulled me close. I wound my arms around him, letting his warmth soak into me, relishing the feeling of allowing it to fill me up instead of pushing it away.

“I understand, you know?” he said against my cheek. “I understand what this is, and whatever happens, I’ll always be here for you. Let’s take things slowly and… we’ll see.”

I looked up at him, nodding again. “We’ll see.”

Wherever this took us, I knew I’d never lose him again. I knew because we were both entering this thing carefully and without rushing. For some people, this non-commitment wouldn’t have been enough, but it was all either of us could handle for the time being. What mattered was admitting there might be a base for us to build on, and allowing ourselves a chance to explore it without hating ourselves.

We’d both lost someone who meant the world to us, but we’d found something too. Now it was time for us to step forward.

Together.