Playground (41 page)

“I don’t know any of their names,” Hef smiles, being whisked off.

“Names are irrelevant,” my father chimes in. “All you need to

know is that the hotter they are, the more expensive they are.”

Unless one really understood the pattern of everyday life, it is

difficult for people outside the inner circle to comprehend it.

I adjust my father’s hat, which leans to the side, and smile at

him because I know he loves me and I love him. We’ve had some

crazy times. Times I’ll never forget.

I feel a kind of an odd understanding for my father, something

I have not felt before. I am beginning to see the face of a much sad-

der man.

276

Playground

A man who sacrificed his identity to live in the shadow of

another.

“It’s all a distraction,” he says as conflicting emotions run

through me.

“Pretty girls were always your downfall.”

“What matters, what’s always mattered, is that you are taken

care of, Jennifer. If I had to do it again, I’d make sure you knew

that,” Dad says humbly. We stand there for a long time saying

nothing, just silent, comfortable with each other as a father and

daughter should be.

So much has been said between my parents and me over the

years, but it doesn’t matter. In the end, the ways in which we be-

trayed each other aren’t relevant anymore. My parents may never

be who I want them to be. I may never be loved the way I want to

be. My scars may never go away. My parents may never live outside

their realm of self-involvement. But I will always long for a time

when we can be close again. It’s a secret type of longing, like an old

lover you can’t get out of your head. My parents’ spirit will always

be with me. Like a dream I will always have. Maybe one day it will

be our time again. And when that day comes, I will feel at last that

they forgive me, as I do them.

Perhaps my freedom will finally come when I stop hoping for a

different childhood, different parents.

277

Acknowledgments

Jennifer Joel—my agent who has supported me since day one and

persistently found a way to make this book see the light of day.

Josh Behar—my fabulous editor. Thank you for always seeing

beyond the bullshit. You never once doubted me or anything you

read, even if we had to delete it.

Beth Silfin—my attorney at HarperCollins. I truly appreciate

all the time you invested in making this book happen.

Seale Ballenger—publicist extraordinaire. He is always one

step ahead of me, providing as much compassion as expertise.

The Poker Boys—how would I survive without you? A special

thanks to Asher and Kenny.

To my friends—you know who you are. Thank you all for your

help along the way. I am sure you are sick of hearing about this

book. We can talk about something else now.

To my family—hopefully we can close this chapter and begin a

new one . . . that is, if we are still on speaking terms.

About the Author

JENNIFER SAGINOR was born and raised in Los Angeles, Cali-

fornia, where she still lives. She has worked in production and de-

velopment at Spelling Entertainment, Miramax Films, and the

Motion Picture Corporation of America.

To receive notice of author events and new books by Jennifer Sagi-

nor, sign up at www.authortracker.com.

Credits

Designed by Jeffrey Pennington

Jacket design by Susan Sanguily

Jacket photograph by Justin Pumfrey/

Getty Images; retouched by Leonello Calvetti

Copyright

While this is a true account of my life and times growing up in

and around the Playboy Mansion, I have decided to change the

names of all of my cohorts from that time, with the exception

of Hugh Hefner and the other celebrities who traveled in the

same circles. If any of my fictional names are also the names of

actual individuals, it is merely coincidental.

PLAYGROUND. Copyright © 2005 by Jennifer Saginor. All

rights reserved under International and Pan-American

Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you

have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to

access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of

this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded,

decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into

any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by

any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or

hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of

PerfectBound™.

PerfectBound™ and the PerfectBound™ logo are trademarks

of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader May 2005 ISBN 0-06-085243-7

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Saginor, Jennifer.

Playground : a childhood lost inside the Playboy Mansion /

by Jennifer

Saginor.— 1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-06-076156-3

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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