Playing Hearts (14 page)

“Not coming to tea?”
asked the Hatter; and though his face was sad, it was also understanding.
“We’ve got room.”

“Not this time,” I said
quietly. It had occurred to me that the further I was from Underland, the safer
Hatter and Hare would be. Whatever the Queen was planning for me, and for
Underland, she couldn’t do it if I wasn’t there. The rebellion would simply
have to do or die on its own. “Maybe in another
Then
.”

I hugged him, too; as if
I’d never again get the chance. I probably wouldn’t. Unlike Hare, he hugged me
back with fervour, spinning me in a dizzy circle. When he set me down at last,
there was something on my head. I couldn’t see what it was, but when I put up
careful hands up to feel what it was, I found that I was wearing a small,
shallow-crowned bowler with a curly brim.

“A delightful job of
hattery,” said the Hatter again, and followed Hare into Jack’s dressing room. I
didn’t follow them. I stayed where I was, waiting for who knows what while the Queen
and her card sharks grew steadily faster.

Someone touched my arm,
and I flinched. It was Jack.

“Get off me,” I said. He
still had Hare’s blood on his face, which was ridiculous. Hare’s blood was all
back inside him.

“I didn’t– I didn’t
mean–” He seemed to pull himself together with an effort, and said lightly: “Is
that any way to speak to your fiancé? The one who just helped you to find your
friends, by the way?”

I looked at him in cold
dislike. “Help? Is that what you call it?”

“We all have our
strengths and weaknesses,” he shrugged. “Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase
All’s
well that ends well
?”

He reached for me with
one hand—I wasn’t sure whether he was trying to wipe away the blood I could
feel slowly trickling down my own face, or simply trying to comfort me—and I
flinched away again.

“Get off, Jack. I don’t
like you and I’m not marrying you. I’m not even coming back to Underland.”

“Mab, don’t be like
that,” he said, smiling. He even took another step toward me. “There’s nothing
we can do about it. We might as well get along.”

“
Don’t
touch me!”

“Mab–”

“You stood there.”

“
Mab–
”

“You stood there and let
her kill him.”

“Those are the rules,”
said Jack. He gestured at the rich room around us with one blood-splashed hand,
looking past his mother. “I don’t interfere, and she doesn’t get rid of all
this.”

I gazed at him, my mouth
slightly open. There was a part of me that had assumed maybe Jack was just too
frightened to speak out, that maybe the Queen would cut off his hand like she
had with Hare, or his finger, like the painter. It had never occurred to me
that he was simply unwilling to lose his rich lifestyle.

“Believe it or not,” said
Jack, without quite looking at me; “I’m really not the best candidate for
reduced circumstances.”

“You’re not the best
candidate
–”

“Wool, for instance.
Absolutely dreadful for my skin.”

“I actually forgot for a
while,” I said furiously.

“What did you forget,
Mab?” asked Jack. His eyes were glittering, but he was still smiling with his
face white below the crimson blood. “Oh yes, if I recall correctly, I’m a
dirtbag
.
Let’s be honest now: can you picture me in a hovel? Or perhaps you’d like me to
live in the forest like the half-wit knight and your two mad little friends?”

“I don’t care
where
you live! If it comes to that, I don’t care if you die!”

“I’m very well aware of
the extent of your unconcern, thank you very much!” said Jack, and this time
the smile had completely vanished. There was a cold satisfaction in me for
that. “You’ve made your feelings very clear! It doesn’t change the fact that
we’re bound, however, and no matter how far you run or how much you squirm,
there’s really nothing you can do about it.”

“You’re always saying
there’s nothing you can do!” I flashed. “That’s rubbish! There’s lots you can
do; you just won’t do it because you’re a coward! I meant what I said. I’m
going away and I’m not coming back.”

“You can’t get away from
me,” said Jack, shrugging. I found his sudden return to calmness a little
frightening.

“What are you going to
do, send card sharks after me?”

“Card– of course I’m not
going to send card sharks after you! Really, Mab! I think you deliberately misunderstand
me.”

“Yeah, well that’s the
only thing that’ll bring me back,” I told him grimly. He wasn’t angry but he
wasn’t quite calm, either. There was a kind of brittle madness about him that I
didn’t recognise, and I didn’t want to think how much of it had to do with the
whiteness of his face or the way his nostrils were flaring. Jack didn’t deserve
to have human feelings. Not when he’d let Hare die without lifting a finger to
help. “You can keep your pretty room and your pretty clothes– and your
expensive little presents, if it comes to that! They cost too much.”

That brilliant smile was
back on Jack’s face, bright, light and entirely reflective. “Are you sure that
you’re not simply furious with yourself because you egged Mother on to kill
Hare? Care for one’s appearance is not a character flaw, my darling. I couldn’t
possibly manage if I had to look after myself.”

I gazed up at his face
for far too long, trying to think what to say. In the end, all that seemed
appropriate was a disgusted: “Ugh.” I wheeled about, striding for the bathroom
and my passage home.

Behind me there was a
flurry of movement, and Jack’s voice said, sharp and hasty: “I didn’t mean it,
Mab! I didn’t mean any of it!”

I didn’t stay to hear any
more, but as I sank into the place between there and here for what I knew must
be the last time, I thought I heard his voice say: “Mab!
Mab, I’m sorry!
”

I saw her in the local Woolworths that
night: the Queen, returned to life and movement, a burning anger in her eyes. I’d
just opened the glass freezer door to get my six pack of frozen dagwood dogs,
and when I closed it again, she was staring right at me, her eyes pale with
fury. I froze, unable to look away, and the babble of the noisy store sank to a
murmur around me until all I could hear was her voice.

“I have borne with your
constant interference and irritation because it suited my purpose,” she said.
“But the nuisance you create has begun to outweigh your usefulness. Be very
careful that I don’t change my mind about you.”

“You can change whatever
you want,” I said– in some bitterness, because hadn’t she proved that she really
could
change whatever she wanted to? “I never asked to be dragged to
Underland, and I definitely don’t want to marry your son!”

“Believe me,” said the Queen;
“One way or another, kicking or screaming, you will return. And you
will
marry my son. I merely ask that in the meantime, you refrain from making more
of a nuisance of yourself than you already have. Hare is not the first to die,
and he won’t be the last if you cannot control your whims.”

“I’ve got nothing to do
with it,” I said, sharp and firm. “You won’t see me again. Don’t bother to look
for me.”

I turned on my heel and
walked away while she was still spoke, ignoring the wary looks from other
customers and the sound of her fury alike. There was no going back. Not for me,
not for her. Underland had its champions, and it was safer for my friends if I
wasn’t one of them.

There was a card beneath the door of my
flat a week after I got back. The cards were usually on my pillow when I woke,
and it occurred to me that Jack was giving me a little space. That was
worrying, because Jack didn’t do things without a reason. I didn’t trust it for
a sign of good faith. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? I didn’t want a part
of him; and I almost thought that I didn’t want a part of Underland any more, either.
I threw the card in my bin and went around the flat making sure that every
reflective surface was fully covered. The next day I set out to find a new
flat.

The new flat gave me a
brief respite, but when I started work at the library two weeks later and
opened the returns flap in the front door, the first thing I saw was a pair of
black-flecked eyes.

“Hello darling,” said
Jack.

I shut the flap in his
face, but he was still there when I had to open the doors to the public. He
smoothly passed both the doors and my scowl, and made a game of prowling the
library while I tried alternately to keep my eye on him and ignore him
completely. Much to my annoyance, he also made a game of turning up behind me
for the pleasure of murmuring in my ear and making me jump.

“Jack, if you do that
just
once
more, I’m going to punch you!” I said at last, in a low growl.

“Mab! I’m surprised at
you! And in a library, too!”

I gave him the brittle
smile that had already frightened off many a book vandal, and said: “The
librarians don’t care if I punch people, so long as I do it quietly.”

“You’ve been ignoring my
cards.”

“Yes, and I’m going to
keep ignoring them. Look, the head librarian is watching us: you’re going to
get me fired. Go away.”

Jack sent a lazy,
arrogant look in the head librarian’s direction. “Don’t worry, I can manage
her.”

“Also, I don’t like you.
Go
away
.”

“Is that any way to speak
to your–”

I seized him by the front
of his collar and shoved him into the less-travelled audiobook corner, rattling
tapes in their cases.

“I am
not
your
fiancée.”

Jack, his hands spread
wide, innocently said: “Now, Mab, if you wanted to get me by myself in a quiet
corner, all you had to do is ask.”

“What do you want?”

“Well, there’s this
prickly girl who keeps running away from me. My fiancée, as a matter of fact.
She covers her mirrors and refuses to answer to the cards I leave her. More
importantly, she won’t let me apologise.”

“Go away, Jack. I’m not
interested in your apologies, and I have a job to do!”

“As do I,” said Jack. His
hands, which had been spread wide, now slid around my waist. “It’s a very
important job, and it requires my apologies.”

I saw the head librarian
making her way forcefully toward us, and hissed: “Jack, if you don’t let me go
right
now
you’re going to be very sorry!”

“I’m certain I’ll be much
sorrier if I do,” said Jack, and pulled me further into the audiobooks with
him.

When the head librarian
turned the corner Jack was trying to kiss me and I was trying to stop him. I’m
not sure who was the most annoyed to be interrupted: me, as I lost the chance
to follow through with my threat to punch him; or Jack, who had just managed to
pin my arms to my sides. Jack was completely capable of charming the head
librarian, but when he left I proved incapable of following his example and was
given notice. It didn’t really matter, of course: if Jack could find me, so
could the Queen and her card sharks. I had to move again.

The next week I found a
basement flat that had no windows, in the oldest, grubbiest part of the city. The
windows that
were
there were broken, and the rent was manageable. I
covered the bathroom mirror and learned to do my hair by feel.

And I tried to forget.