Playing With My Heartstrings

Dedications

I owe a massive thanks to my loving mum – the person who encouraged me to pursue my ambitions and fulfil my childhood dream – and my dad, whose legendary humour (and sprinkling of smart sarcasm) has thankfully been passed down to the handbag-yearning, pretzel-munching generation (a.k.a. mine) and was an inspiration for the story.

Also, my younger Chelsea-supporting brother, Jack, deserves a mention because, without him, I wouldn’t have been able to properly get under the skin of Sadie, who, from time to time, gets annoyed by her sibling yet shares a powerful, unbreakable bond. And who would’ve thought that brownie-sharing brothers could be the perfect solution to nerve-destroying writers’ block?

My furry pals – life-long feline brothers Tom and Jerry – deserve a mention, their satisfied purrs a comforting tune that has stayed with me all my life. Sadly, Tom is singing his world-famous songs in the fluffy, ice cream-like clouds, whose loss motivated me to experience the necessary heartbreak to write this book and get me to where I am today.

And finally, I’d love to thank the brilliant Wattpad user, beforeitends, for creating my fantastic cover, which I whole-heartedly adore!

Sadie’s Introduction

Sometimes, love is simply never meant to be. No matter how much you pray or hope for your utmost dreams to come true, destiny doesn't always work in your favour. I, a person who has always regarded herself as a believer in love, have learnt this the hard way and the pain is still bitterly raw.

What did I do wrong to push away and hurt the one I love from the bottom of my heart? I constantly wonder. A moment never seems to pass by without my mind wondering whether I should've done something differently - or have done nothing at all.

My heart, it feels, will always be broken without my former love holding my hand in his - unless I stop fate getting in my way.

Chapter 1

In a million years, I would never forget that fateful day which would change my life forever. Never. It didn't matter how many times I closed my eyes and willed myself to slip into an unconscious state, which was virtually impossible - memories followed me wherever I went, even in my wildest dreams.

Perhaps I should look at grief in a different light. If I didn't truly care, then I wouldn't be feeling as though the essence of my being had been ripped out of my body, would I? Grief, I now realise, is an expression of love and passion which never truly dies, even in death.

But the strangest thing of all? The one for whom I do anything in a heartbeat is still living on this earth, except that his feelings for me have all but died.

Unlike others, I'm simply grieving for what I could've had with this day, which may have been the world, for all that I care. Am I so selfish to hang on to the past and not make the slightest effort to let go? Maybe so, though I think I'm beyond the point of caring, which, despite my obvious sadness, sends shivers down my spine. I want to live and enjoy life for all that its worth - it has so much to offer me which I've not yet experienced and I haven't even discovered the true meaning to my existence. What is the purpose of my living? To experience the greatest gift of all - love - and finally find true happiness, then lose everything - from my trustworthy friends to my vulnerable and distraught mind? Surely this is not the path that life had laid out for me; misery cannot be the beginning and end of me.

I, without a doubt, won't allow it to define me.

*******

"Do you see that star above the cliff over there, Sadie? It's shining as much your moonstruck eyes," Joel pointed ahead, his eyes glittering like diamonds. "You know it's a really beautiful night, which has been made even better with you standing beside me, gazing at the moon as if there is no tomorrow."

I giggled, unable to stop myself. Joel always made the sweetest compliments to me, some of which I failed to believe. Me having moonstruck eyes? As if. If anything else, I was dreamily gazing at Joel's face, which was nearly impossible in the darkness. The full moon, who certainly made its presence known in the deep, dark sky, and the bright, dazzling stars were our only source of light; I'd foolishly forgotten to bring my torch with me (not that I minded, though; it still shamed me that I'd kept my old Bratz torch which I got at the age of six) and Joel, like myself, didn't have fantastic memory either, so we'd had to endure the night in near darkness.

"Me too," I breathlessly replied, "I couldn't have imagined camping here without you sleeping in the tent beside me; I still have nightmares about that wolf which nearly attacked me when I was eleven."

"You still believe that happened?" Joel questioned, a smirk playing on his lips. "I thought you said that your elder brother played a prank on you as payback because you refused to do his homework?"

"Well," I rolled my eyes, "I don't really want to remember being scared out of my skin by my elder and totally-unwise brother, so I'd much prefer to stick with the-wolf-who-nearly-ate-me story for now, thanks."

Joel cracked up laughing with big, fat, salty tears rolling down his animated face. Unnecessary to say, Joel always found my tales utterly hilarious and although I usually tried to maintain a stiff upper lip, even I would end up rolling on the floor, laughing about my often-
disastrous (honestly, they always ended in a disaster of some sort, one way or another) adventures.

After what felt like years passing by, Joel and I locked each other in a powerful, don't-dare-to-breath stare, which set my heart beating like it had never done before. This was what I'd dreamt of from the moment I'd first laid eyes on Joel all of those years ago. Only time had matured our relationship to what it was today and at long last it was blossoming right in front of us.

Joel took a long, deep breath - my entire body was shaking with such an intensity it seemed it would never stop - then stepped in front of me, his lips lightly brushing my face.

Come on, come on, I impatiently thought. Tell me what I've been waiting to hear all this time.

"You know it's a really beautiful night," he repeated, his face on level with mine. "Made even more beautiful with you being here."

Could this night have got even better? I completely didn't know what to say, so I quietly muttered, "Uh-huh," like the dumbfounded fool I was.

"And after getting to know you, Sadie, I've realised that you're the one I need in my life." His whispers were becoming shallower and quieter, just as my breathing nearly stopped all together.

"I need you, too," I breathlessly whispered as Joel made the first move to kiss me. Until that moment, I'd never known the true meaning of living, which was heart-stopping, thrilling and just downright amazing.

As my kisses became stronger and more forceful, heat spread through my body like wildfire and a group of fireworks erupted inside of me. With Joel closer to me than ever, I felt warm, safe, and loved, which was the greatest feeling of all.

Minutes or even hours later - I simply didn't care because time had no meaning for me - I untangled myself from Joel's loving embrace and just gazed once again at the dark night sky. The moon had by now disappeared behind a blacker-than-black cloud, though the blindingly bright stars were still visible.

Joel moved closer towards me, still holding my warm hand, and we stood in silence for what seemed to be forever.

"This night will be imprinted in my mind forever," I stated, turning around to see Joel's glowing face. He looked at me in a way that no other boy had ever done before - and it spurred me on to say what was once the unthinkable. I inhaled, then quickly said, nearly tumbling over my words, "For as long as I can remember, I've always felt something for you and that feeling has never disappeared -"

"Whoa, wait a sec," Joel interrupted. "Hey, I thought you had feelings for Andy back in Year 8 - according to him, he said that you and him were going to have a big fat Greek wedding once you turned 25."

Despite my not being able to see it, I felt my face reddening to an alarming shade of tomato. Trust Andy Welbeck to still be fantasising about our marriage on a Greek island - I only said it to him once as I dreamily watched Mamma Mia! One rainy Sunday afternoon back when I was twelve.

"Obviously that's not going to happen now, is it?"

"No, I guess not," a sheepish, drop-dead gorgeous smile playing on Joel's lips.

"Besides, I didn't 'officially' go out with Andy; no kisses involved," I promised, then said, "As I was saying before you interrupted me about a false boyfriend, my feelings have never changed regardless of what happened as we've grown up. Tonight, without a single doubt, has been the best one that I've ever had in my life, all because of you."

By now, all traces of humour had remarkably disappeared from Joel's face; instead, a look of warmth, compassion and love all rolled into one was reflected back at me, which put my nerves at ease.

"If only you'd told me how about your feelings sooner, I could've been there for you and -"

"Hey, don't start apologizing!" I shyly smiled. "Confidence, let's say, has never been one of my many well-known gifts - except when I aced that French exam last month, bien sûr - and I guess that nerves got in the way of allowing me to tell you how I felt deep down."

"At least your nerves didn't stop you from having a conversation about croissants and the lack of French films available at the cinema with Mr Henry."

"You know what I mean."

"Indeed I do."

Once more, time dragged along and whereas my exhausted body had had a break from tensing and literally being on fire (without any visible flames except inside), my heart started racing, which reminded me of how tired I was.

Just as I started to walk back to our wonky, slightly small camouflage green tent, Joel ran after me and instead of responding to our conversation in words, his answer came in the form of a glorious, sensuous kiss which screamed 'I love you' all over it.

And that's all I remember of that fateful night.

Chapter 2

By the time I'd woken up, dawn had arrived in the form of its glowing, spectacular glory, which I would've taken as a sign of luck for the upcoming day ahead of me. But I didn't even bother to immerse myself in its beauty because, somewhere deep inside of myself, all I knew was that Joel was gone.

I quickly got out of my pink, way-too-small sleeping bag - trust Dad to have kept the one I used when I was six - and I put on my trainers in a panicked rush - what if Joel was only outside, preparing our breakfast?

But my instincts knew better. After unzipping and getting out of the tent, there wasn't any sausages frying on the cooker or any deckchairs casually laid out, which were previously vacated by ourselves the night before, in sight.

As fear began to tighten its grip around me, my breaths - deeper and normal-paced just a few moments before - became shallower and weaker until a point where I was heaving for air.

Take a deep breath and breathe, I resolutely thought, as I desperately tried to erase all traces of panic from my mind. Within a few minutes, I'd stabilised myself to a more comfortable state, then I went back into the tent to retrieve my phone, which was a completely wasted effort.

Annoyance played on my emotions as I suddenly realised that there was absolutely no reception here in the middle of a large, frightening-to-be-lost-in forest. Why couldn't I have left my phone at home like Mum (wisely) suggested?