Plays Unpleasant (35 page)

She pretends to box his ears; then looks at the pretty laughing upturned face for a moment, tempted. At last she kisses him, and immediately turns away, out of patience with herself
.

MRS WARREN
. There! I shouldnt have done that. I am wicked. Never mind, my dear: it's only a motherly kiss. Go and make love to Vivie.

FRANK
. So I have.

MRS WARREN
[
turning on him with a sharp note of alarm in her voice
] What!

FRANK
. Vivie and I are ever such chums.

MRS WARREN
. What do you mean? Now see here: I wont have any young scamp tampering with my little girl. Do you hear? I wont have it.

FRANK
[
quite unabashed
] My dear Mrs Warren: dont you be alarmed. My intentions are honorable: ever so honorable; and your little girl is jolly well able to take care of herself. She dont need looking after half so much as her mother. She aint so handsome, you know.

MRS WARREN
[
taken aback by his assurance
] Well, you have got a nice healthy two inches thick of cheek all over you. I
dont know where you got it. Not from your father, anyhow.

CROFTS
[
in the garden
] The gipsies, I suppose?

REV. S
. [
replying
] The broomsquires are far worse.

MRS WARREN
[
to Frank
] S-sh! Remember! youve had your warning.

Crofts and the Reverend Samuel come in from the garden, the clergyman continuing his conversation as he enters
.

REV. S
. The perjury at the Winchester assizes is deplorable.

MRS WARREN
. Well? what became of you two? And wheres Praddy and Vivie?

CROFTS
[
putting his hat on the settle and his stick in the chimney corner
] They went up the hill. We went to the village. I wanted a drink. [
He sits down on the settle, putting his legs up along the seat
].

MRS WARREN
. Well, she oughtnt go off like that without telling me. [
To Frank
] Get your father a chair, Frank: where are your manners? [
Frank springs up and gracefully offers his father his chair; then takes another from the wall and sits down at the table, in the middle, with his father on his right and Mrs Warren on his left
]. George: where are you going to stay tonight? You cant stay here. And whats Praddy going to do?

CROFTS
. Gardner'll put me up.

MRS WARREN
. Oh, no doubt youve taken care of yourself! But what about Praddy?

CROFTS
. Dont know. I suppose he can sleep at the inn.

MRS WARREN
. Havnt you room for him, Sam?

REV. S
. Well – er – you see, as rector here, I am not free to do as I like. Er – what is Mr Praed's social position?

MRS WARREN
. Oh, he's all right: he's an architect. What an old stick-in-the-mud you are, Sam!

FRANK
. Yes, it's all right, gov'nor. He built that place down in Wales for the Duke. Caernarvon Castle they call it. You must have heard of it. [
He winks with lightning smartness at Mrs Warren, and regards his father blandly
].

REV. S
. Oh, in that case, of course we shall only be too happy. I suppose he knows the Duke personally.

FRANK
. Oh, ever so intimately! We can stick him in Georgina's old room.

MRS WARREN
. Well, thats settled. Now if those two would only come in and let us have supper. Theyve no right to stay out after dark like this.

CROFTS
[
aggressively
] What harm are they doing you?

MRS WARREN
. Well, harm or not, I dont like it.

FRANK
. Better not wait for them, Mrs Warren. Praed will stay out as long as possible. He has never known before what it is to stray over the heath on a summer night with my Vivie.

CROFTS
[
sitting up in some consternation
] I say, you know! Come!

REV. S
. [
rising, startled out of his professional manner into real force and sincerity
] Frank, once for all, it's out of the question. Mrs Warren will tell you that it's not to be thought of.

CROFTS
. Of course not.

FRANK
[
with enchanting placidity
] Is that so, Mrs Warren?

MRS WARREN
[
reflectively
] Well, Sam, I dont know. If the girl wants to get married, no good can come of keeping her unmarried.

REV. S
. [
astounded
] But married to him! – your daughter to my son! Only think: it's impossible.

CROFTS
. Of course it's impossible. Dont be a fool, Kitty.

MRS WARREN
[
nettled
] Why not? Isnt my daughter good enough for your son?

REV. S
. But surely, my dear Mrs Warren, you know the reasons –

MRS WARREN
[
defiantly
] I know no reasons. If you know any, you can tell them to the lad, or to the girl, or to your congregation, if you like.

REV. S
. [
collapsing helplessly into his chair
] You know very well that I couldnt tell anyone the reasons. But my boy will
believe me when I tell him there are reasons.

FRANK
. Quite right, Dad: he will. But has your boy's conduct ever been influenced by your reasons?

CROFTS
. You cant marry her; and thats all about it. [
He gets up and stands on the hearth, with his back to the fireplace, frowning determinedly
].

MRS WARREN
[
turning on him sharply
] What have you got to do with it, pray?

FRANK
[
with his prettiest lyrical cadence
] Precisely what I was going to ask myself, in my own graceful fashion.

CROFTS
[
to Mrs Warren
] I suppose you dont want to marry the girl to a man younger than herself and without either a profession or twopence to keep her on. Ask Sam, if you dont believe me. [
To the parson
] How much more money are you going to give him?

REV. S
. Not another penny. He has had his patrimony and he spent the last of it in July. [
Mrs Warren's face falls
].

CROFTS
[
watching her
] There! I told you. [
He resumes his place on the settle and puts up his legs on the seat again, as if the matter were finally disposed of
].

FRANK
[
plaintively
] This is ever so mercenary. Do you suppose Miss Warren's going to marry for money? If we love one another –

MRS WARREN
. Thank you. Your love's a pretty cheap commodity, my lad. If you have no means of keeping a wife, that settles it: you cant have Vivie.

FRANK
[
much amused
] What do you say, gov'nor, eh?

REV. S
. I agree with Mrs Warren.

FRANK
. And good old Crofts has already expressed his opinion.

CROFTS
[
turning angrily on his elbow
] Look here: I want none of your cheek.

FRANK
[
pointedly
] I'm ever so sorry to surprise you, Crofts, but you allowed yourself the liberty of speaking to me like a father a moment ago. One father is enough, thank you.

CROFTS
[
contemptuously
] Yah! [
He turns away again
].

FRANK
[
rising
] Mrs Warren: I cannot give my Vivie up, even for your sake.

MRS WARREN
[
muttering
] Young scamp!

FRANK
[
continuing
] And as you no doubt intend to hold out other prospects to her, I shall lose no time in placing my case before her. [
They stare at him, and he begins to declaim gracefully
]

He either fears his fate too much,
Or his deserts are small,
That dares not put it to the touch
To gain or lose it all.

The cottage door opens whilst he is reciting; and Vivie and Praed come in. He breaks off. Praed puts his hat on the dresser. There is an immediate improvement in the company's behavior. Crofts takes down his legs from the settle and pulls himself together as Praed joins him at the fireplace. Mrs Warren loses her ease of manner and takes refuge in querulousness
.

MRS WARREN
. Wherever have you been, Vivie?

VIVIE
[
taking off her hat and throwing it carelessly on the table
] On the hill.

MRS WARREN
. Well, you shouldnt go off like that without letting me know. How could I tell what had become of you? And night coming on too!

VIVIE
[
going to the door of the kitchen and opening it, ignoring her mother
] Now, about supper? [
All rise except Mrs Warren
]. We shall be rather crowded in here, I'm afraid.

MRS WARREN
. Did you hear what I said, Vivie?

VIVIE
[
quietly
] Yes, mother. [
Reverting to the supper difficulty
] How many are we? [
Counting
] One, two, three, four, five, six. Well, two will have to wait until the rest are done: Mrs Alison has only plates and knives for four.

PRAED
. Oh, it doesnt matter about me. I –

VIVIE
. You have had a long walk and are hungry, Mr Praed: you shall have your supper at once. I can wait myself.
I want one person to wait with me. Frank: are you hungry?

FRANK
. Not the least in the world. Completely off my peck, in fact.

MRS WARREN
[
to Crofts
] Neither are you, George. You can wait.

CROFTS
. Oh, hang it, Ive eaten nothing since tea-time. Cant Sam do it?

FRANK
. Would you starve my poor father?

REV. S
. [
testily
] Allow me to speak for myself, sir. I am perfectly willing to wait.

VIVIE
[
decisively
] Theres no need. Only two are wanted. [
She opens the door of the kitchen
]. Will you take my mother in, Mr Gardner. [
The parson takes Mrs Warren; and they pass into the kitchen. Praed and Crofts follow. All except Praed clearly disapprove of the arrangement, but do not know how to resist it. Vivie stands at the door looking in at them
]. Can you squeeze past to that corner, Mr Praed: it's rather a tight fit. Take care of your coat against the white-wash: thats right. Now, are you all comfortable?

PRAED
[
within
] Quite, thank you.

MRS WARREN
[
within
] Leave the door open, dearie. [
Vivie frowns; but Frank checks her with a gesture, and steals to the cottage door, which he softly sets wide open
]. Oh Lor, what a draught! Youd better shut it, dear.

Vivie shuts it with a slam, and then, noting with disgust that her mother's hat and shawl are lying about, takes them tidily to the window seat, whilst Frank noiselessly shuts the cottage door
.

FRANK
[
exulting
] Aha! Got rid of em. Well, Vivvums: what do you think of my governor?

VIVIE
[
preoccupied and serious
] Ive hardly spoken to him. He doesnt strike me as being a particularly able person.

FRANK
. Well, you know, the old man is not altogether such a fool as he looks. You see, he was shoved into the Church rather; and in trying to live up to it he makes a much bigger ass of himself than he really is. I dont dislike him as
much as you might expect. He means well. How do you think youll get on with him?

VIVIE
[
rather grimly
] I dont think my future life will be much concerned with him, or with any of that old circle of my mother's, except perhaps Praed. [
She sits down on the settle
]. What do you think of my mother?

FRANK
. Really and truly?

VIVIE
. Yes, really and truly.

FRANK
. Well, she's ever so jolly. But she's rather a caution, isnt she? And Crofts! oh, my eye, Crofts! [
He sits beside her
].

VIVIE
. What a lot, Frank!

FRANK
. What a crew!

VIVIE
[
with intense contempt for them
] If I thought that
I
was like that – that I was going to be a waster, shifting along from one meal to another with no purpose, and no character, and no grit in me, I'd open an artery and bleed to death without one moment's hesitation.

FRANK
. Oh no, you wouldnt. Why should they take any grind when they can afford not to? I wish I had their luck. No: what I object to is their form. It isnt the thing: it's slovenly, ever so slovenly.

VIVIE
. Do you think your form will be any better when youre as old as Crofts, if you dont work?

FRANK
. Of course I do. Ever so much better. Vivvums mustnt lecture: her little boy's incorrigible. [
He attempts to take her face caressingly in his hands
].

VIVIE
[
striking his hands down sharply
] Off with you: Vivvums is not in a humor for petting her little boy this evening. [
She rises and comes forward to the other side of the room
].

FRANK
[
following her
] How unkind!