Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (34 page)

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As a result of all these factors, I believe that China is ripe for polyamory.

When the conflicts between the age-old tradition of polygamy for (wealthy) men only, the modern ideal of equal rights for women, and Christian influences toward sexual repression are resolved, polyamory may well be recognized as a valid option for preserving the all-important extended family. This is important in China, where many of the government-sponsored social supports and health care options we take for granted even in the proudly capitalist United States are not part of the infrastructure.

Sonia Song, who we first met in chapter 2, came from Beijing to Berkeley, California, in 1987 to study law. She found in polyamory a way to reconcile her ideals with her personal needs for sexual expression, loving support, and extended family. Inspired by the freedom and democracy she saw in the United States, she was also appalled by the crime, violence, and wastefulness and disheartened by the loneliness, isolation, and alienation she felt. Noting that placing the common good above the self is a core value both in Western democracy and in Eastern communism, she didn’t hesitate to bring this value into her intimate relationships once given the chance. In her touching memoir
Donkey Baby
, she writes that after arriving in the United States, she still yearned for the sense of community that she had learned in the Beihai kindergarten in Beijing, where food, clothes, toys, friends, and caretakers were all shared. Sonia explored the Christian religion but found that its brand of love didn’t suit her. “I wanted it to be a matter of choice—a voluntary communion with those I feel most closely connected to, freely given from my own heart, not dictated by conformity, convention, or compulsion. . . . I wanted to keep the freedom I had found in the West, and I wanted to regain the commitment to a greater good that I had learned in the East. . . . For me, love as an abstraction is not enough.

Love that I feel on a personal level is precious. Can I feel a personal love for one human being? Yes. More than one? Yes. If divine love is inclusive, why should human love be exclusive? Why not share love?”3

Before her introduction to polyamory, Sonia reports that “I used to have dysfunctional relationships—marriage without love, love without sex, sex without love—all messed up.” Sonia met her future husband at a polyamorous gathering. He was almost eighty at the time, nearly forty years older than herself, and was a retired sociology professor who had spent a lifetime exploring alternative ways to love. Sonia was attracted emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually and was delighted to find they were sexually compatible as well. They soon rented a house together, and her son came
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to live with them. Sonia had two other lovers she’d met at a polyamorous event. One of the lovers was not respectful of her new primary relationship, but her new partner was wise enough to allow her the freedom to make her own choices, and eventually she chose to discontinue the other relationship. The intimacy with the other secondary continued, with both men enjoying friendship with each other as well as with Sonia. After Don’s death, Sonia was devastated but soon found another partner with whom she continues to enjoy life, love, and an intentional community they are helping to create. Sonia finds that they’re not really interested in seeking out other lovers most of the time, but they value the freedom to be open to new adventures as they present themselves.

Like China, India presents some strange paradoxes when it comes to sexuality and intimate relating. The famous erotic temple sculptures of Khajuraho and the present-day practices of existing indigenous tribal peoples in central India, the well-known writings of Kama Sutra, and the popular worship of Krishna with his thousands of wives, and legendary queens and goddesses with more than one husband all point to a culture where sexuality was celebrated and multiple partner relating was sanctioned. Waves of invaders, first the ancient Persians, then Muslims, then British, all brought their own mores to the Indian subcontinent. Uma, a psychotherapist in Mumbai (formerly known as Bombay), feels that the British are primarily responsible for the sexual repression that has prevailed in Indian society for the past century and that most Indians “have not managed to shake off yet.” Prior to the arrival of the British, the upper classes and royalty were known to enjoy lovers in addition to their husbands or wives. To this day, Muslim Indians are permitted more than one wife, while the Hindu Marriage Act of 1955 prohibited polygynous marriage for non-Muslims. Nevertheless, it is still common in many villages for a man to have more than one “wife,” but women’s sexual freedom is usually quite restricted except, as we shall see, in some modern, urban settings.

One of the most difficult things for me about traveling in tropical India was that it is still frowned on for a woman to show bare shoulders or legs.

Midriffs peeking through colorful saris, strangely enough, are perfectly acceptable as long as they are topped by short-sleeved breast coverings.

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Women must cover up throughout most of Turkey and the rest of the Muslim world, where head scarves are also required in mosques, and the burka is common in most areas. In predominantly Buddhist Thailand and Cambodia, modesty is also the rule in temples or in the vicinity of the many celibate monks, but in India, this prohibition on bare skin coexists with temples filled with Shiva Lingams and sculptures depicting love making in every conceivable configuration.

Khajuraho is a popular tourist destination, and in the small town that has grown up around the temples, there are many small hotels and restaurants catering to travelers. Shiva is a strikingly handsome young Indian man who looks as though he just stepped out of one of the ancient carvings. When he learned that I was an expert on polyamory from the United States, he asked me to have dinner at his restaurant and give him some coaching.

“It’s easy to meet foreign women here,” he told me. “Even the ten-year-old boys know that all you have to do is ask a woman if she wants to learn Tantra and you have a date.” Shiva has had many love affairs with tourists who end up staying anywhere from a few weeks to a few months before moving on. “But this time it’s different. It’s not just a fling. Genvieve and I Skype almost every day since she went back to France. It would be easy to have other women and not tell her; lots of Indian men do that. And she could do the same, but we’ve talked about it, and we want to be honest with each other, to share everything. She’s going to come back next year when she finishes college, but now we are apart, and we want to enjoy life but still be close to each other. The trouble is, she gets jealous when I tell her I’ve been with another woman. I get jealous of her too. I’m afraid she won’t come next year as she’s promised. It’s a lot of drama! What can we do?” I gave Shiva the links to the material on my website about managing jealousy, applauded his good intentions, and gave him the cardinal rule about dealing with jealousy: never try to reason with a jealous person. Instead, breathe through the emotional upset, find support from sympathetic friends or a therapist, and talk about it when the jealousy has subsided.

Khajuraho was the spiritual capital of the Chandella dynasty, known for the flourishing of arts that took place under their long and stable reign.

These exquisite temples were built over a 200-year period, beginning in the tenth century. Twenty-five of the original eighty remain, spread over a twenty-one-square-kilometer area. Because they are located in such a remote area, invaders never completely destroyed them, and like the similarly amazing ruins in faraway Ankgor Watt in Cambodia, they were
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covered by jungle for centuries before being discovered by westerners in the nineteenth century. It’s obvious from the sculptures covering the walls of the existing temples that group sex was part of the repertoire of this accomplished culture. Scenes with every conceivable combination of sexual union abound, but they are side by side with scenes of all aspects of life, various gods and goddesses, animals, and plant life. Judging from the sculptures, despite the freedom to explore many configurations, the male/female dyad was the predominant social unit.

Perhaps this society is distantly related to the Gonds people, an indigenous tribal people still living in the forests of central India who are known for their Ghotuls. The Ghotul is thought to be a very ancient institution where young people are taught everything from crafts to ethics to farming to the arts of love. In some villages, all the young people, both girls and boys, sleep together at the Ghotul beginning in early puberty, though they still visit with their parents daily. They are given total sexual freedom and are expected to explore intimacy with everyone in the group so that they can learn who they are from the many different reflections. Pairing up is forbidden until adulthood, at which time monogamy is the rule.

The Gonds people live in modern-day Maharashtra, the same state where cosmopolitan Mumbai and Pune, site of the infamous Osho ashram, is located. Pune has become a high-tech center and is home to many Indian professionals as well as those attracted by the Ashram founded by the man first known in the West as Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh and later as Osho. Osho was well known for developing spiritual practices that encouraged people to say “yes” to the shadow—and to sexuality. He encouraged couples to break out of the confines of traditional marriage and encouraged singles to passionately follow their attractions. Jivana was one of many young Americans and Europeans who spent time at the ashram in its heyday, drawn to the chance to be in the presence of Bhagwan.

Jivana says that she felt caught in the “evolutionary wobble” while living at the ashram. All the old forms for relationship were breaking down, and there were daily therapy groups to provide a place for people to look at what was coming up for them. What Jivana discovered when she fell in love, she says, is how wounded she was. Having never experienced such love, such safety, such sublime sex, she wanted to establish a solid dyad before opening up to others, but she also wanted to honor her new partner’s autonomy. Nevertheless, her partner felt this as limitation and control and they frequently argued.

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Many Osho sanyasins I’ve known over the years have been conflicted about nonmonogamy. Osho taught that monogamy required a high level of awakeness, that it was a very high spiritual practice. He also taught that true love is not possessive, that if your beloved wishes to be with someone else, it doesn’t work to try to prevent it. But without the ongoing support of the guru or at least the community, it’s been difficult for many sanyasins to reconcile the two. Today, the Osho resort, as it’s called, is perhaps the most Western place in all of India. Its rooms have purified air, its food is organic, the bathrooms are sparkling clean, the swimming pool is hygienic, and the large meditation hall is equipped with soundlessly closing airtight doors and frigid air-conditioning. In the required orientation meeting I attended, there were visitors from all over the world, but perhaps a third were Indian. Things have changed a lot in India in the past thirty years.

Raj Mali is a thirty-five-year-old Osho sanyasin (devotee and follower of Osho’s teachings) who grew up in Pune. He is a successful corporate trainer and relationship and intimacy coach whose practice includes young polyamorous couples. Two years ago, after reading my book
Polyamory:
The New Love without Limits
, Raj decided to take the leap and come out to his family. While westerners are often apprehensive about family reactions to polyamory, family is far more important to Indians. Fortunately for Raj, his family was concerned but lovingly accepting and even curious.

“Initially the journey looked dangerous, but when I embraced it, it set me free. The path was laced with deep confrontation and sometimes fear, but now when I look back, it was all worth it,” he says.

Raj fantasized about having an open marriage while still in high school, long before he’d ever heard of polyamory. When he shared his ideas with his friends, they ridiculed him, and his girlfriend was furious at the very idea. Realizing that for the people he knew marriage meant monogamy, or cheating, he decided not to marry. Now he’s happy to be able to suggest polyamory as an option when working with couples where a secret affair is on the horizon. When I told him I was writing about polyamory in India, Raj agreed to tell me a little about one of the couples he was coaching.

Reemah and Avinash are in their late twenties and were about six months into a passionate romance when Reemah found herself struggling with jealousy for the first time in her life. When Reemah slapped Avinash on learning he was late for a meeting with her because he’d been talking with Sheela, a woman they were both friendly with, Avinish decided he’d better not have any more friendships with women but felt resentful and
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began to feel he needed more space from Reemah. Although he was still very much in love with Reemah, he secretly started feeling more attracted to other women. The more he withdrew, the angrier and more suspicious Reema became. As this downward spiral, which I call the “dominant woman and submissive man two-step,” built, Reemah decided to seek help from Raj.

When Raj guided Reema to take her attention off of Avinash and direct it toward discovering what was underneath her jealousy, she quickly discovered that she was trying to avoid her own strong desire to experience sex with other men. Reema was caught between the judgments she’d internalized that women who slept around and didn’t marry were sluts and the awareness that she wanted very much to be one of these sluts. Meanwhile, Avinash was feeling more and more torn between his attraction to his woman friend and his loyalty to Reema. He eventually allowed himself to be seduced by Sheela, and when Reema intuited this, he confessed. A major fight ensued, and they decided they should have some sessions together with Raj. He was able to help them recognize that both of them wanted to stay together and that both wanted to have sex with others but were afraid to be truthful with the other about their desires. Avinash didn’t like the idea of Reema having other partners but realized that if he was going to claim this freedom for himself, it was only fair that Reema have it for herself. Faced with the prospect of breaking up or opening up, they decided together to try opening up. They are still working on managing their respective jealousies and sometimes fight about the other intimate friends in their lives, but for now they are still choosing to put each other first.