Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (38 page)

There
is
something very special, very romantic, about the notion of two starry-eyed lovers locked in a close embrace. There is a yearning in our hearts for union with a twin soul or soul mate. But most often, the dream of
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happily ever after turns out to be a fantasy that is almost the polar opposite of the reality. While most of us long for that perfect mirror, few can tolerate the reflection. As Elizabeth Gilbert puts it in her popular novel
Eat,
Pray, Love
, “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.”1

Many people also long for a close-knit family of spiritual partners, and this experience can be too intense for most people to tolerate as well. We yearn, too, for the balance of the triangle, the eternal triangle, which does not
have
to be a blueprint for tragedy any more than the story of Romeo and Juliet has to be emblematic of the tragic fate of couples. And there is something very special about the symmetry of the square, the complete-ness of the four elements, the four directions, the four that is twice two.

There is something special about every number, and in the natural world, combinations and subgroupings of various sizes all have their unique properties and their unique places in the overall picture.

If we insist on limiting love to two partners, we risk irreparable damage to fragile human ecosystems that thrive on diversity and complexity. Conversely, a variety of relationship niches allows everyone to find a place that fits their individual needs and desires. This kind of diversity is the hallmark of the natural world. In chemistry, elements are classified according to the number and type of bonds they will form. Imagine if the Periodic Table of the Elements was limited to hydrogen and lithium. The polyfidelitous carbon molecule would be completely out of place in an exclusively pair-bonded world.

As pervasive as the image of two opposite-gender partners is in our culture’s vision of perfect love and marriage, the number 3 is mythically even more basic in a universal sense. Two is the essence of a dualistic world-M Y T H , A R C H E T Y P E S , A N D H U M A N E V O L U T I O N

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view, but 3 is the number of synthesis. Three is what makes the world go around—harmoniously.

In every atom, we find the proton, or positive force; the electron, or negative force;
and the neutron, or synthesizing force
. As our knowledge of subatomic physics gets more sophisticated, it turns out there is a whole family of other particles dancing around unseen, but these three core particles determine the qualities of the atom. In music, a chord of three notes is more dynamic and powerful than one composed of only two notes.

There are three primary colors, which can be combined in various ways to make all the others. In geometry, two points define a line, but three define a plane, opening up a whole new dimension.

The triangle was emphasized as the basic unit by Dr. Roberto Assagioli, founder of psychosynthesis, who combined Western psychoanalytic knowledge with the metaphysical teachings of Alice Bailey. Buckminster Fuller, the design genius who created the geodesic dome, also focused on the triangle, pointing out that it is the only self-stabilizing, constant pattern in the universe. Thus, it is the basis of all structural systems.

In Hinduism, we have the Divine Trinity of Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva.

Before the Aryan invaders brought their patriarchal trinity to India, there was Kali or Durga, the Great Mother, who contained the entire trinity within her. The trident is an ancient symbol still associated with Shiva and, in the Greco-Roman pantheon, with Poseidon or Neptune, god of the oceans and the underworld. Whether conceived of as three aspects of the one or as three different archetypal beings, the triune roles of creator, preserver, and destroyer are central to the Hindu worldview.

Perhaps the most striking example of the primacy of the triad in Western civilization can be seen in the cultural icon of the Holy Trinity—the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Many have observed that the original Holy Trinity must have included not only the father and the child but also the Great Mother. The substitution of the genderless Holy Ghost for the female principle was one of many systematic changes imposed on a preexisting culture by patriarchal Judeo-Christian clergy as they molded a new mythology for our present-day society.

Another biblical triad of note is Adam, Eve, and the Serpent. Without the transformative role of the Serpent, whose challenge to patriarchal su-premacy could be compared to that of Adam’s first wife Lilith,2 the history of humanity would be different indeed.

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While mothers are often primary caregivers, to the extent that males take on the role of father and actively participate in rearing their offspring, even from a distance, humans experience a basic family unit of three. The infant bonds not only with the mother but also with the father. Each one of us imprints on at least two, not just one, significant others. The nature of these first nurturing relationships has great influence on all subsequent ones.

This early patterning may explain why family systems pioneers such as Dr. Murray Bowen have found that the triangle is the basic emotional molecule. Any emotional system can best be understood as a series of interlocking triangles. This is because a two-person system is inherently unstable. Where there is one bond linking two people, this sole bond must absorb any tensions between the two. When it snaps, the connection is broken. In a three-person system, there are three bonds. So the triad is potentially three times as durable. One bond can break without completely destroying the whole system, allowing time for repairs or renegotiation. If the bonds are of equal strength and flexibility, each one carries one-third of the stress, thus distributing the load and making the whole relationship more durable. This is why the triangle is the basis of structural design in engineering. In the nuclear family, a child is often pressed into service to balance the energies of the two parents. But another adult is far more appropriate for this role.

The usual portrayal of love triangles in our culture depicts strife, jealousy, and betrayal. This viewpoint is no doubt related to Greek and Roman mythology in which amoral gods and goddesses are forever cheating on their partners and hatching horrific plots for revenge. Another example of this phenomenon is Freud’s interpretation of the Oedipus myth, in which the hero murders his father and marries his mother, as the basis for all manner of psychosexual disorders. According to Freud, every child secretly aims for exclusive possession of his or her opposite-gender parent and jealously strives to eliminate the competition, the third leg of the triangle, the same-gender parent.

In chapter 6, we explored more closely the influence of the parental triangle in polyamorous unions. Healthy triangles generally are based on healthy dyadic dynamics between the parents, and unfortunately this is often not the case. For now, we can simply acknowledge that dysfunctional childhood triadic programming is likely to surface and repeat itself in triadic relationships. These archetypal conflicts are deeply rooted in Western
M Y T H , A R C H E T Y P E S , A N D H U M A N E V O L U T I O N

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civilization and can be either transformed through conscious effort or unconsciously reenacted when the triad brings these issues to the surface.

Alongside the archetype of the neurotic or conflictual triangle, we also find examples of healing or harmonious triangles. Esoteric writings from many sources stress the balancing qualities of the third force. Without the synthesizing energies of the third, we are left alternating between two ir-reconcilable polarities. For example, we have the state of excitement on the one hand and depression, its opposite, on the other. The synthesis of or balance between these two is a third quality called calm or serenity. In many traditions, the archetype of the eternal triangle is associated with the feminine. The inverted triangle is a universal symbol for the yoni, or vagina. The triangle pointing upward often symbolizes the masculine, and when they are superimposed, as in the Star of David, the two triangles represent the sacred union of the masculine and feminine energies. In Hindu and Buddhist mythology, happy triads are common. Clearly, the universal archetype of the love triangle is not inherently one of jealous struggle. It is up to us to select or create a mythology to live by that heals, not hurts.

THE MÉNAGE À TROIS

The dyad may be our cultural ideal, but the ménage à trios could be our most pervasive fantasy, judging by its frequent appearance in novels, films, and visual art as well as real life. This French term has come to suggest a purely sexual liaison, but its original meaning was that of three live-in lovers. In their book
Three in Love
, Foster, Foster, and Hadady3 tell the stories of dozens of famous and influential threesomes, from those of the eighteenth-century writer Voltaire to the nineteenth-century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche to the twentieth-century French president Mitter-rand. Their thorough research makes it clear that many of our most esteemed artists, writers, musicians, intellectuals—even politicians, royalty, and military heroes—found their sustenance and inspiration in triads.

One example of a healing mythology is found in the legends of the Secret Dalliance, which is the ancient Chinese term for sexual practices that
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extended beyond the couple. Such practices were viewed as a legitimate means of stimulating potent, even magical, powers in both men and women throughout Asia. Multiple-partner sex was also believed to rejuvenate the participants and promote longevity.

Knowledge of the sexual techniques associated with the Secret Dalliance was carefully guarded in the days of the great dynasties to enable the ruling classes to maintain their power over the common people. A man who spent himself with his first woman would be unable to satisfy the rest, so these techniques were very necessary in China, where three to twelve wives were the norm for the relatively large middle class.

In India, the Tantric Union of Three was believed to release energies more powerful and potentially more dangerous than those experienced by a couple. Texts offering special techniques for the proper channeling of these high-voltage energies warn against proceeding unless jealousy and egotism are absent.4 Again, this knowledge was the province of adepts and nobles and was deliberately kept from the lower classes. Perhaps the sentiment that triadic relationships were not suitable for the masses partly explains why these kinds of relationships are considered so unacceptable in today’s democratic West.

Surviving Taoist and Tantric texts emphasize the lovemaking of one man with two or more women, but it’s likely that these reflect the imposition of a patriarchal culture on the earlier goddess-centered one, where both men and women enjoyed multiple partners. For example, dancer Muna Tseng was able to visit one of the Duhuang caves in northwestern China, Cave 465, the Secret Ancestry Cave, dating back to the eleventh century.5 This cave, which is generally not open to the public, depicts the story of Ming Fei, a manifestation of the Taoist immortal known as Queen Mother of the West. Tseng reports that one panel shows Ming Fei holding a cup of semen saved from the height of sexual union with many men. This elixir is said to have enlightened her and given her immortality.

There is also evidence that polyandry has been practiced in the Hi-malayan foothills. Draupadi, the heroine of the great Indian epic the
Mahabharata
, had five husbands, all of whom were brothers. Even today, there are reports of women with more than one husband in Tibet and Sri Lanka.

Archaeological discoveries have established that even in the Middle East, where the status of women today is abysmally low, women were formerly polyamorous. Tablets dating from about 2300 B.C. that describe
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so-called reforms in ancient Sumer (now southern Iraq), known as the reforms of Urukagina, state that “women of former days used to take two husbands but the women of today would be stoned with stones if they did this,” according to Merlin Stone in
When God Was a Woman
.6

TWO GENDERS OR FOUR?

Some might argue that the dyad is the primary unit because it allows the two genders to come together to make a whole. Plato, for one, wrote that in the distant past, male and female were found in a single body, but now it takes two separate individuals, and this is why we so long to find our soul mates. Rather than digressing into questioning the desirability of a belief system that teaches that we are incomplete without our “other half,” let’s take a look at the assumption that humans come in only two genders.

Some Native American cultures perceive that there are seven genders, not two. Likewise, twenty-first-century “gender queers” challenge the male/female dichotomy. Swedish poly activist Andie Norgren describes it this way: “My strongest alternative identity is gender queer, where I am female bodied but present in clothing, body language and appearance pretty much male, but I have no plans or desires to change my body or official sex. I’m just there in the middle, not sexualizing that or making it a big identity transition thing, just being me.”7

One male, one female seems to be sufficient for reproduction in most cases, provided that they are genetically compatible but not overly similar genetically,8 but in terms of completion, several astute observers have noticed that 4, not 2, is the magic number. The quadrinity is the archetypal number of completion in the natural world. We have four directions: north, south, east, and west; four elements: earth, air, water, and fire; and four seasons: winter, spring, summer, and fall, just to name a few examples.