Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (45 page)

Oscar, and Frank, 233; Sandeep,

181; contemporary, 70–71;

Leela and Karna, 195–96; Sheila

fundamentalist, 169–70; Old

and Fred, 3–4; Shiva and Genvieve,

Testament on adultery and, 67;

192; Sophia and Rick, 118; Tanya

unconditional love and, 145

and Jerry, 31–33; Thelma, 26–29;

Church of All Worlds, 50–51

Todd, 169–70; Vic, Christy, Alice,

Clinton, Bill, 231

and Jack, 82–83

“closet.”
See
“coming out”

Celebration of Eros Conferences, 55

Cochran, Jacob, 47

change: and emotional upheaval, 232;

codependency.
See
sex and love

as “the only constant” in multiple

addiction

relationships, 23

Come Live My Life
(Rimmer), 52

child abuse.
See
family-of-origin issues; Comfort, Alex, 56

trauma

“coming out”: authenticity, self-

“child-centered” family, 156–57

awareness, and, 174–75; how to

child custody issues, 145, 147–50, 173

come out, 175–77; impact on

children: educating about love and

reputation and career, 173–74; lack

sex, 134–35, 136, 141–43, 146–47,

of role models for, 170; to oneself,

151–53; extended families and, 127;

and self-acceptance, 160–61; to

intimate networks and, 128–29, 241;

one’s therapist, 170–71; outcomes

paternity and, 110–11; polygyny

of, 172–75; and paradigm shift in

and, 127; stepfamilies and, 127

sexualoving, 175; to parents and

children of polyamorous parents,

relatives, 174; price of staying

127–32, 128, 129, 139–40, 241–43;

in closet, 169–72; as a process,

advanced communication skills

159–61; to spouse or partner, 174;

of, 135, 137–38, 155; advantages

those most likely to come out are

and disadvantages reported by,

those with little to lose, 170, 211;

2 5 8

when someone you know comes

Crenshaw. Theresa, 11

out, 177–78

Croatia, 202–3

commitment, 68–69, 77–78, 112;

cross-cultural perspectives, 145, 183–

equated with sexual exclusivity, 67;

86, 201

integrity as essential to, 80–81; as

cultural norms, 165; bias against

keeping agreements, 13; new sexual

nonmonogamy, xii, 223, 230;

ethic and, 77–78; to something

challenged by polyamory,

higher than self or partner, 78;

166, 239, 241; children of

communication and honesty, 76;

polyamorists and, 140; jealousy

communication skills, 40, 101; of

and, 113–14; partnership
vs.

children of polyamorous parents,

dominator, 69, 81; shifts in, 53,

135, 137–38, 155

67.
See also
heteronormativity;

compersion, 22, 23; case material, 97;

mononormativity;
specific norms

as more enjoyable than jealousy,

239; as opposite of jealousy, 121–22

Dalai Lama, 74

Compersion: Using Jealousy as a Path

Dale, Helen, 58, 59

to Unconditional Love
(Anapol),

Dale, Janet, 58, 59

122, 196

Dale, Stan, 58–59

competition, 8–9; among men,

darshan (private audience), 92, 93

120–21; among women, 120;

decision making: agreements and,

insecurity and, 120–21; jealousy

78–80; consensus, 25

and, 118; socialization of the sexes

dehydroepiandrosterone, 10

and, 20.
See also
jealousy; sperm

dependency: jealousy and, 106–7; as

competition

old-paradigm value, 68

competition jealousy, 118

Diamond, Lisa, x, 165–66

complex marriage, 45–47

Directives for New Life
(Rudhyar),

consciousness: law of, 238;

xiv

undifferentiated
vs.
transcendental

disclosure.
See
self-disclosure

unitive, 225–26

diversity: acceptance in society,

conscious relationship, ix–x

173, 175; among polyamorists

consensus decision making, 25

and nonheterosexuals, 19, 88, 89,

Constantine, Joan, 132

94, 163; appreciation for, 101; as

Constantine, Larry, 132

hallmark of natural world, 214; in

contraception, 49; in Kerista

lovestyle choices, 5, 6, 167

commune, 57; in Oneida

Divilbiss, April, 147

Community, 46

Divine Trinity (Hinduism), 215

Correia, Carla, 165, 166

divorce: case material, 87, 95, 96, 98,

“coupling up” as pervasive cultural

110, 139, 143, 169, 187; as fact of

norm, x, xii, 14, 63, 172, 213, 232

modern life, 242; rates of, 2, 11, 12.

creativity, 94, 102–3

See also
case histories

2 5 9

domestic violence.
See
violence,

affairs, 185; same-gender marriage

domestic

in, 181

dominance, 120–21; in animals, 8–9;

evolutionary perspective, 213–14, 223–

and submission, 103–4, 195, 196.

24; polyamory as neither throwback

See also
alpha behavior

nor end point, 226.
See also
animals;

dominator
vs.
partnership cultural

biological processes underlying

paradigms, 69, 81

behavior

Donkey Baby
(song), 24, 190

exclusion jealousy, 119

dopamine, 10, 11

exclusivity.
See
monogamy; sexual

Duhm, Dieter, 152, 198, 200

exclusivity

“dyad networks,” 181–82.
See also

extramarital sex: consensual, 52, 55,

intimate networks

57, 112, 129, 171; guilt, shame, and

dyads, 193, 213–14, 217, 219

negative stereotypes concerning,

2, 5, 141, 185; taboos against, and

Easton, Dossie, 197, 203–4

sexism, crime, and violence, 236.

Eat, Pray, Love
(Gilbert), 214

See also
adultery; affairs; infidelity;

Edwards, John, 231

nonmonogamy

egoic drives/demands, stepping

beyond, 104

fairness, 81

ego jealousy, 118

family: extended, 127; future of the,

Eisler, Riane, 69, 81

241–43; nuclear, 20, 216, 230, 238;

Elwin, Verrier, 222

isolation of, 127; rejection by, 231; as

Emotional Intelligence
(Goleman), 106

social experiment from the past, 242;

equity, new sexual ethic and, 81–82

takeover avoidance and, 224.
See also

Eros and Logos
(Makaja), 203

parents and relatives

Esalen Institute, 55

family-of-origin issues, 20, 41–42, 120–

Esfandiary, F. M., 17, 68, 69

21, 216; case material, 30, 42, 84,

estrogen, 10, 11

188; jealousy and, 120–21

The Ethical Slut
(Easton), 197

fear jealousy, 117–18

ethics, 65–67; humanism and, 75; old—

Ferrer, Jorge, 74

and new-paradigm values, 67–70;

fidelity.
See
commitment

Robert Rimmer on, 52.
See also

Finders commune, 148–50

morality; religious beliefs; sexual

First International Conference on

ethic

Polyamory and Mononormativity,

Europe, 184; political and anarchistic

197

flavor of polyamory in, 185, 197–

Fisher, Helen, 11, 67

204; polyamory in United States

flexibility, 102–3

vs.
, 184–86, 197–98, 200–201,

Food Not Bombs collective, 24–25

204–5, 208; prejudice in, 130;

forgiveness, law of, 239–40

relaxed attitude about extramarital

Foster, Barbara, 217

2 6 0

Foster, Michael, 217

growth, personal and spiritual, 19–23,

Fourier, Charles, 48

37, 40, 54, 55, 69; “dark places”

Francoeur, Ann, 54

illuminated in polyamorous

Francoeur, Robert, 53–54, 71

experience, 20–21, 29, 98;

freedom: responsibility and, 68–69.

humanism and, 75; jealousy and,

See also
sexual freedom

122; not emphasized outside

free love, 48–50, 203; ZEGG

United States, 197; polyamory as

community and, 150, 184–85, 198

accelerator of, 240–41.
See also

Freud, Sigmund, 216–17

jealousy

friends with benefits, 5, 62, 168

Fuller, Buckminster, 215

Hadady, Letha, 217

Haddon, Gina, 220

Gaia and the New Politics of Love

Harrad Experiment
(Rimmer), 52–53

(Anderlini-D’Onofrio), 203, 233

Hart, Gary, 231

Gaia hypothesis, 233–35

Hatfield, Tom, 56

gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered,

Hawaii, culture of premissionary, 110,

and queer (GLBTQ) people, 88,

113, 222

189, 197–98; children of, 129–30;

Hawthorne, Nathaniel, 48

poly activists, 61–62; and polyamory health care, universal, and freedom in in Europe, United Kingdom, and

relationship choices, 204

Australia, 197, 198, 206.
See also

Heinlein, Robert, 50–51

bisexuality

heteronormativity, 130, 131, 169.
See

gender differences, 8, 106, 224.
See

also
cultural norms

also
women

heterosexual norms and abandonment

gender polarity.
See
polarity

of monogamous norm, 62

gender queers, 219

Heyward, Carter, 70–71

genders, two
vs.
four, 219–20

Hinduism, 72–73, 215

genetic programming: as selfish,

Ho, Petula Sik Ying, 211

9–10; sexual exclusivity and,

Holy Trinity (Christianity), 215

7–8.
See also
biological processes

homosexuality, 88.
See also
gay,

underlying behavior; evolutionary

lesbian, bisexual, transgendered,

perspective

and queer (GLBTQ) people

Gilbert, Elizabeth, 214

Honest Sex
(Roy), 71

Global Shift
(Bourne), xiii–xiv

honesty: love and, 62–63; new sexual

Goldman, Emma, 48–50

ethic and, 76–77

Goleman, Daniel, 106, 108

hormones and attachment, 10–12

Gonds people, 193, 222

Hot and Cool Sex
(Francoeur), 54

Green Egg Magazine
, 50

Houlihan, Michael, 148–50

group marriage, 5, 17–18, 128;

Hrdy, Sarah Blaffer, 8, 224

in primates, 223.
See also
“N”

Human Awareness Institute (HAI),

relationship structure; triads

58–59

2 6 1

humanism, 75

Intimate Friendships
(Ramey), 56

humanistic psychology, 55–56

intimate networks, 5, 17, 57, 185;

human potential movement, 55

children and, 128–29, 241.
See also

“dyad networks”

identity: behaviors that do not match,

intimate relating: talent for, 99–100.

12; bisexual, 163; gender, 219, 243;

See also
relationships

polyamorous, 87; coming out and,

IntiNet, 59

159–61, 175; racial/ethnic, 165.
See

Islam, 73

also
queer-identified people

“I” statements, 177–78

identity, sexual: developing, 135, 136;

exploring, 40; as fluid in women,

jealous partner, payoff in having a, 124

165–67

jealousy, 194–95, 232; Anapol’s

The Immoral Reverend
(Rimmer), 52

experience of, 107–8, 115;
vs.

independence, 10, 101;
vs.
symbiosis,

betrayal, 114–15; as biggest

234; women and, 48, 49, 94

challenge of nonmonogamy,

India: erotic art of, 191–93; Gonds

105–6; C. T. Butler’s experience

people of, 193, 222; marriage laws

of, 25–26; case of Thelma,

of, 191; polyamory in, 191–97;

27–29; commitment and, 77,

women in, 191–92, 196

112;
vs.
compersion, 121–22,

infatuation.
See
“new relationship

239; competition and, 120–21;

energy”

conflicting messages about, 123;

infidelity: European relaxed attitude

as cost of polyamory, 232; cultural

towards, 185; monogamy and, 12–

norms and, 113–14; dearth of

13; as murder defense in Texas and

research on, 106; defined, 106–8;

United Kingdom, 111–12; neural

dependency, insecurity, and,

response to, in men
vs.
women,

106–7; “dissipating the charge” of,

106; real
vs.
imagined, 108–9;

123–24; family-of-origin issues and,

“secret therapy affair” and, 171;

120–21; as healthy
vs.
pathological,

tolerated under old paradigm when

108–12;
vs.
inclusive love, 240; as

done discreetly, 69.
See also
affairs;

inevitable
vs.
avoidable, 108–12;

extramarital sex; jealousy

innate
vs.
learned elements of,

Insatiable Wives
(Ley), 40

113–14; love, sexual arousal,

insecurity: competition and, 120–21;

and, 107–8, 112; managing,