Portnoy's Complaint (15 page)

She wasn't bad-looking, this whore, sort of round and dumpy, but in her early twenties and with a big pleasant open face- and just stupendous tits. Those were what we'd picked her out for, after driving slowly up and down the Via Veneto examining the merchandise on parade. The whore, whose name was Lina, took her dress off standing in the middle of the room; underneath she wore a merry widow corset, from which the breasts bubbled up at one end, and the more than ample thighs rippled out at the other. I was astonished by the garment and its theatricality- but then I was astonished by everything, above all, that we had gone ahead after all these months of talking, and finally done it.

The Monkey came out of the bathroom in her short chemise (ordinarily a sight that made me very hot, that cream-colored silk chemise with a beautiful Monkey in it), and I meanwhile took off all my clothes and sat naked at the foot of the bed. That Lina spoke not a word of English only intensified the feeling that began to ebb and flow between The Monkey and myself, a kind of restrained sadism: we could speak to one another, exchange secrets and plans without the whore's understanding- as she and The Monkey could whisper in Italian without my knowledge of what they might be saying, or plotting . . . Lina spoke first and The Monkey turned to translate. She says you have a big one. Ill bet she says that to all the boys. Then they stood there in their underwear looking my way-
waiting
. But so was I waiting too. And was my heart pounding. It had to come to pass, two women and me . . . so now what happens? Still, you see, I'm saying to myself
No!

She wants to know, said The Monkey, after Lina had spoken a second time, where the
signore
would like her to begin. The
signore
, said I, wishes her to begin at the beginning . . . Oh, very witty that reply, very nonchalant indeed, only we continue to sit there motionless, me and my hard-on, all undressed and no place to go. Finally it is The Monkey who sets our lust
 
in motion. She moves across to Lina, above whom she towers (oh God, isn't she enough? isn't she really sufficient for my needs? how many cocks have I got?), and puts her hand between the whore's legs. We had imagined it beforehand in all its possibilities, dreamed it all out loud for many many months now, and yet I am dumbstruck at the sight of The Monkey's middle finger disappearing up into Lina's cunt.

I can best describe the state I subsequently entered as one of unrelieved
busy-ness
. Boy, was I busy! I mean there was just so much to do. You go here and I'll go there- okay, now you go here and
I'll
go there- all right, now she goes down that way, while I head up this way, and you sort of half turn around on this . . . and so it went, Doctor, until I came my third and final time. The Monkey was by then the one with her back on the bed, and I the one with my ass to the chandelier (and the cameras, I fleetingly thought)-and in the middle, feeding her tits into my Monkey's mouth, was our whore. Into whose hole, into what sort of hole, I deposited my final load is entirely a matter for conjecture. It could be that in the end I wound up fucking some dank, odoriferous combination of sopping Italian pubic hair, greasy American buttock, and absolutely rank bedsheet. Then I got up, went into the bathroom, and, you'll all be happy to know, regurgitated my dinner. My
kishkas
. Mother-threw them right up into the toilet bowl. Isn't that a good boy?

When I came out of the bathroom. The Monkey and Lina were lying asleep in one another's arms.

The Monkey's pathetic weeping, the recriminations and the
 
accusations,
 
began
 
immediately
 
after
 
Lina
 
had dressed and departed. I bad delivered her into evil.
Me? You're
the one who stuck your finger up her snatch and got the ball rolling!
You
kissed her on the fucking lips- ! Because, she screamed, if I'm going to do something, then like I
do
it! But that doesn't mean I
want
to! And then. Doctor, she began to berate me about Lina's tits, how I hadn't
played
with them enough. All you ever talk about and think about is tits!
Other people's tits!
Mine are so small and everybody else's in the world you see are so huge-so you finally get a pair that are
tremendous
, and what do you do?
Nothing!
Nothing is an exaggeration, Monkey- the fact of the matter is that I couldn't always fight my way
past
you- I am not a lesbian! Don't you dare call me a lesbian! Because if I am,
you made me one! Oh Jesus, no-
I I did it for you, yes- and
 
now you hate me for it! Then we won't do it again, for
me
, all right? Not if this is the fucking ridiculous result!

Except the next night we got each other very steamed up at dinner- as in the early days of our courtship, The Monkey retired at one point to the ladies' room at Ranieri's and returned to the table with a finger redolent of pussy, which I held beneath my nose to sniff and kiss at till the main dish arrived- and after a couple of brandies at Doney's, accosted Lina once again at her station and took her with us to the hotel for round two. Only this time I relieved Lina of her undergarments myself and mounted her even before The Monkey had come back into the bedroom from the john. If I'm going to do it, I thought. I'm going to do it! All the way! Everything! And no vomiting, either! You're not in Weequahic High School any more! You're nowhere
near
New Jersey!

 
When The Monkey stepped out of the bathroom and saw that the ball game was already under way, she wasn't entirely pleased. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her little features smaller than I had ever seen them, and declining an invitation to participate, silently watched until I had had my orgasm and Lina had finished faking hers. Obligingly then- sweetly,
 
really- Lina made for between my mistress' long legs, but The Monkey pushed her away and went off to sit and sulk in a chair by the window. So Lina- not a person overly sensitive to interpersonal struggle- lay back on the pillow beside me and began to tell us all about herself. The bane of existence was the abortions. She was the mother of one child, a boy, with whom she lived on Monte Mario ( in a beautiful new building, The Monkey translated). Unfortunately she could not manage, in her situation, any more than one- though she loves children - and so was always in and out of the abortionist's office. Her only precautionary device seemed to be a spermicidal douche of no great reliability.

I couldn't believe that she had never heard of either the diaphragm or the birth-control pill. I told The Monkey to explain to her about modern means of contraception that she could surely avail herself of, probably with only a little ingenuity. I got from my mistress a very wry look. The whore listened but was skeptical. It distressed me considerably that she should be so ignorant about a matter pertaining to her own well-being (there on the bed with her fingers wandering around in my damp pubic hair): That fucking Catholic church, I thought . . .

So, when she left us that night, she had not only fifteen thousand of my lire in her handbag, but a month's supply of The Monkey's Enovid- that I had given to her.

Oh, you are some savior! The Monkey shouted, after Lina had left.

What do you want her to do- get knocked up every other week? What sense does that make?

What do I care what happens to
her!
said The Monkey, her voice turning rural and mean.
She's
the
whore!
And all
you
really wanted to do was to fuck
her!
You couldn't even wait until I was out of the john to do it! And then you gave her
my
pills!

And what's that mean, hub? What exactly are you trying to say? You know, one of the things you don't always display, Monkey, is a talent for reason. A talent for frankness, yes- for reason, no!

Then leave me! You've got what you wanted! Leave!

Maybe I will!

To you I'm just another
her
, anyway! You, with all your big words and big shit holy ideals and all I am in your eyes is just a cunt- and a lesbian!- and a whore!

Skip the fight. It's boring. Sunday: we emerge from the elevator, and who should be coming through the front door of the hotel but our Lina- and with her a child of about seven or eight, a fat little boy made out of alabaster, dressed all in ruffles and velvet and patent leather. Lina's hair is down and her dark eyes, fresh from church, have a familiarly Itahan mournful expression. A nice-looking person really. A sweet person (I can't get over this!). And she has come to show off her
bambino
! Or so it looks.

Pointing to the little boy, she whispers to The Monkey,
Molto elegante, no?
But then she follows us out to our car, and while the child is preoccupied with the door-man's uniform, suggests that maybe we would like to come to her apartment on Monte Mario this afternoon and all of us do it with another man. She has a friend, she says- mind you, I get all this through my translator- she has a friend who she is sure, she says, would like to fuck the
signorina
. I can see the tears sliding out from beneath The Monkey's dark glasses, even as she says to me, Well, what do I tell her, yes or no? No, of course. Positively not. The Monkey exchanges some words with Lina and then turns to me once again: She says it wouldn't be for money, it would just be for-

No! No!

All the way to the Villa Adriana she weeps: I want a child too! And a home! And a husband! I am not a lesbian! I am not a whore! She reminds me of the evening the previous spring when I took her up to the Bronx with me, to what we at the H. O. commission call Equal Opportunity Night. All those poor Puerto Rican people being overcharged in the supermarket! In Spanish you spoke, and oh I was so impressed! Tell me about your bad sanitation, tell me about your rats and vermin, tell me about your police protection! Because discrimination is against the law! A year in prison or a five-hundred-dollar fine! And that poor Puerto Rican man stood up and shouted, 'Both!' Oh, you fake, Alex! You hypocrite and phony! Big shit to a bunch of stupid spies, but I know the truth, Alex!
You make women sleep with whores!

I don't make anybody do anything they don't want to do.

Human opportunities!
Human!
How you love that word! But do you know what it means, you son of a bitch pimp! I'll
teach
you what it means! Pull this car over, Alex!

Sorry, no.

Yes! Yes! Because I’m getting out! I’m finding a phone! I’m going to call long-distance to John Lindsay and tell him what you made me do.

The fuck you will.

I'll expose you, Alex-I'll call Jimmy Breslin!

Then in Athens she threatens to jump from the balcony unless I marry her. So I leave.

Shikses!
In winter, when the polio germs are hibernating and I can bank upon surviving outside of an iron lung until the end of the school year, I ice-skate on the lake in Irvington Park. In the last light of the weekday afternoons, then all day long on crisply shining Saturdays and Sundays, I skate round and round in circles behind the
shikses
who live in Irvington, the town across the city line from the streets and houses of my safe and friendly Jewish quarter. I know where the
shikses
live from the kinds of curtains their mothers hang in the windows. Also, the
goyim
hang a little white cloth with a star in the front window, in honor of themselves and their boys away in the service- a blue star if the son is living, a gold star if he is dead. A Gold Star Morn, says Ralph Edwards, solemnly introducing a contestant on Truth or Consequences, who in just two minutes is going to get a bottle of seltzer squirted at her snatch, followed by a brand-new refrigerator for her kitchen . . . A Gold Star Morn is what my Aunt Clara upstairs is too, except here is the difference- she has no gold star in her window, for a dead son doesn't leave her feeling proud or noble, or feeling anything, for that matter. It seems instead to have turned her, in my father's words, into a nervous case for life. Not a day has passed since Heshie was killed in the Normandy invasion that Aunt Clara has not spent most of it in bed, and sobbing so badly that Doctor Izzie has sometimes to come and give her a shot to calm her hysteria down . . . But the curtains- the curtains are embroidered with lace, or fancy in some other way that my mother describes derisively as
goyisch
e taste. At Christmastime, when I have no school and can go off to ice-skate at night under the lights, I see the trees blinking on and off behind the gentile curtains. Not on our block- God forbid!- or on Leslie Street, or Schley Street, or even Fabian Place, but as I approach the lrvington line, here is a
goy
, and there is a
goy
, and there still another- and then I am into Irvington and it is simply awful: not only is there a tree conspicuously ablaze in every parlor, but the houses themselves are outlined with colored bulbs advertising Christianity,
 
and
 
phonographs
 
are
 
pumping
 
Silent Night out into the street as though- as though?- it were the national anthem, and on the snowy lawns are set up little cut-out models of the scene in the manger- really, it's enough to make you sick. How can they
possibly
believe this shit? Not just children but grownups, too, stand around on the snowy lawns smiling down at pieces of wood six inches high that are called Mary and Joseph and little Jesus- and the little cut-out cows and horses are smiling too! God! The idiocy of the Jews all year long, and then the idiocy of the
goyim
on these holidays! What a country! Is it any wonder we're all of us half nuts?

But the
shikses
, ah, the
shikses
are something else again. Between the smell of damp sawdust and wet wool in the overheated boathouse, and the sight of their fresh cold blond hair spilling out of their kerchiefs and caps, I am ecstatic. Amidst these flushed and giggling girls, I lace up my skates with weak, trembling fingers, and then out into the cold and after them I move, down the wooden gangplank on my toes and off onto the ice behind a fluttering covey of them- a nosegay of
shikses
, a garland of gentile girls. I am so awed that I am in a state of desire
beyond a hard-on
. My circumcised little dong is simply shriveled up with veneration. Maybe it's dread. How do they get so gorgeous, so healthy, so
blond?
My contempt for what they believe in is more than neutralized by my adoration of the way they look, the way they move and laugh and speak- the lives they must lead behind those
goyische
curtains! Maybe a pride of
shikses
is more
 
like it- or is it a pride of
shkotzim?
For these are the girls whose older brothers are the engaging, good-natured, confident, clean, swift, and powerful halfbacks for the college football teams called
Northwestern
and
Texas Christian
and
UCLA
. Their fathers are men with white hair and deep voices who never use double negatives, and their mothers the ladies with the kindly smiles and the wonderful manners who say things like, I do believe, Mary, that we sold thirty-five cakes at the Bake Sale. Don't be too late, dear, they sing out sweetly to their little tulips as they go bouncing off in their bouffant taffeta dresses to the Junior Prom with boys whose names are right out of the grade-school reader, not Aaron and Arnold and Marvin, but Johnny and Billy and Jimmy and Tod. Not Portnoy or Pincus, but Smith and Jones and Brown! These people are the
Americans
, Doctor- like Henry Aldrich and Homer, like the Great Gildersleeve and his nephew LeRoy, like Corliss and Veronica, like Oogie Pringle who gets to sing beneath Jane Powell's window in
A Date with Judy-
these
are the people for whom Nat King Cole sings every Christmastime, Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose . . . An open fire, in
my
house? No, no, theirs are the noses whereof he speaks. Not his flat black one or my long bumpy one, but those tiny bridgeless wonders whose nostrils point northward automatically at birth. And stay that way for life! These are the children from the coloring books come to life, the children they mean on the signs we pass in Union, New Jersey, that say CHILDREN AT PLAY and DRIVE CAREFULLY, WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN- these are the girls and boys who live next door, the lads who are always asking for the jalopy and getting into jams and then out of them again in time for the final commercial- the kids whose neighbors aren't the Silversteins and the Landaus, but Fibber McCee and Molly, and Ozzie and Harriet, and Ethel and Albert, and Lorenzo Jones and his wife Belle, and Jack Armstrong! Jack Armstrong, the All-American
Goy!
- and Jack as in John, not Jack as in Jake, like my father . . . Look, we ate our meals with that radio blaring away right through to the dessert, the glow of the yellow station band is the last light I see each night before sleep-so don't tell me we're J'ust as good as anybody else, don't tell me we're Americans just like they are. No, no, these blond-haired Christians are the legitimate residents and owners of this place, and they can pump any song they want into the streets and no one is going to stop them either. 0 America! Amer- ica! it may have been gold in the streets to my grandparents, it may have been a chicken in every pot to my father and mother, but to me, a child whose earliest movie memories are of Ann Rutherford and Alice Faye, America is a
shikse
nestling under your arm whispering love love love love love!