Power Politics (5 page)
Spring again, can I stand it
shooting its needles into
the earth, my head, both
used to darkness
Snow on brown soil and
the squashed caterpillar
coloured liquid lawn
Winter collapses
in slack folds around
my feet / no leaves yet / loose fat
Thick lilac buds crouch for the
spurt but I
hold back
Not ready / help me
what I want from you is
moonlight smooth as
wind, long hairs of water
This year I intended children
a space where I could raise
foxes and strawberries, finally
be reconciled to fur seeds & burrows
but the entrails of dead cards
are against me, foretell
it will be water, the
element that shaped
me, that I shape by
being in
    It is the blue
cup, I fill it
it is the pond again
where the children, looking from
the side of the boat, see their mother
upside down, lifesize, hair streaming
over the slashed throat
and words fertilize each other
in the cold and with bulging eyes
I am sitting on the
edge of the impartial
bed, I have been turned to crystal, you enter
bringing love in the form of
a cardboard box (empty)
a pocket (empty)
some hands (also empty)
Be careful I say but
how can you
          the empty
thing comes out of your hands, it
fills the room slowly, it is
a pressure, a lack of
pressure
   Like a deep sea
creature with glass bones and wafer
eyes drawn
to the surface, I break
open, the pieces of me
shine briefly in your empty hands
I see you fugitive, stumbling across the prairie,
lungs knotted by thirst, sunheat
nailing you down, all the things
after you that can be after you
with their clamps and poisoned mazes
Should I help you?
Should I make you a mirage?
My right hand unfolds rivers
around you, my left hand releases its trees,
I speak rain,
I spin you a night and you hide in it.
Now you have one enemy
instead of many.
We are standing facing each other
in an eighteenth century room
with fragile tables and mirrors
in carved frames; the curtains,
red brocade, are drawn
the doors are shut, you aren't talking,
the chandeliers aren't talking, the carpets
also remain silent.
You stay closed, your skin
is buttoned firmly around you,
your mouth is a tin decoration,
you are in the worst possible taste.
You are fake as the marble trim
around the fireplace, there is nothing
I wouldn't do to be away
from here.        I do nothing
because the light changes, the tables
and mirrors radiate from around you,
you step backwards away from me
the length of the room
holding cupped in your hands
behind your back
                 an offering
a gold word        a signal
I need more than
air, blood, it would open
everything
which you won't let me see.
Sleeping in sunlight
(you occupy
me so completely
run through my brain as warm
chemicals and melted
gold, spread out wings to the
ends of my fingers
reach my heart and
stop, digging your claws in
If a bird what kind /
nothing I have ever
seen in air / you fly
through earth and water casting
a red shadow
The door wakes me, this is
your jewelled reptilian
eye in darkness next to
mine, shining feathers of
hair sift over my forehead
What is it, it does not
move like love, it does
not want to know, it
does not want to stroke, unfold
it does not even want to
touch, it is more like
an animal (not
loving) a
thing trapped, you move
wounded, you are hurt, you hurt,
you want to get out, you want
to tear yourself out, I am
the outside, I am snow and
space, pathways, you gather
yourself, your muscles
clutch, you move
into me as though I
am (wrenching
your way through, this is
urgent, it is your
life) the
last chance for freedom
You are the sun
in reverse, all energy
flows into you and is
abolished; you refuse
houses, you smell of
catastrophe, I see you
blind and one-handed, flashing
in the dark, trees breaking
under your feet, you demand,
you demand
I lie mutilated beside
you; beneath us there are
sirens, fires, the people run
squealing, the city
is crushed and gutted,
the ends of your fingers bleed
from 1000 murders
Putting on my clothes
again, retreating, closing doors
I am amazed / I can continue
to think, eat, anything
How can I stop you
Why did I create you
Hesitations outside the door1
I'm telling the wrong lies,
they are not even useful.
The right lies would at least
be keys, they would open the door.
The door is closed; the chairs,
the tables, the steel bowl, myself
shaping bread in the kitchen, wait
outside it.
2
That was a lie also,
I could go in if I wanted to.
Whose house is this
we both live in
but neither of us owns
How can I be expected
to find my way around
I could go in if I wanted to,
that's not the point, I don't have time,
I should be doing something
other than you.
3
What do you want from me
you who walk towards me over the long floor
your arms outstretched, your heart
luminous through the ribs
around your head a crown
of shining blood
This is your castle, this is your metal door,
these are your stairs, your
bones, you twist all possible
dimensions into your own
4
Alternate version: you advance
through the grey streets of this house,
the walls crumble, the dishes
thaw, vines grow
on the softening refrigerator
I say, leave me
alone, this is my winter,
I will stay here if I choose
You will not listen
to resistances, you cover me
with flags, a dark red
season, you delete from me
all other colours
5
Don't let me do this to you,
you are not those other people,
you are yourself