Present Perfect (49 page)

Noah and I moved into our place the first part of the summer. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

He was eager to graduate early and start medical school, so he took classes over the summer and worked a full time job as a transporter at MUSC, the medical school he would be attending. Noah was incredible.

I decided to take a couple of core classes when the fall semester started at the College of Charleston. I was going to research schools that offered a major in journalism through online courses. I wasn’t going to leave Charleston, my family, and of course, Noah. Charleston was full of locally published magazines besides the newspaper. Over the summer, I had done some freelance writing for a local magazine. It was great because I was gaining experience and making contacts. Life was good but busy. Busy is good because it shows you’re alive. That sounds like something Dalton aka Mr. Miyagi would say. That boy made quite an impression on me and my outlook on life.

I reached my one year anniversary of being cancer free. I went in for monthly checkups at first, then it turned into every three months, and since I hit the one year mark, I’ll go every six months unless I have any trouble. I couldn’t believe it had been a year and a half since the diagnosis and amputation. My artificial leg finally started to feel like a part of me. Not that it will ever feel like an actual leg, but you’d be amazed how your mind adjusts to it.

I think about Dalton every day and miss him. Even though my chemo is over, I still go visit him on those Sundays before what would be our
on
week. I started volunteering once a week at the Hollings Cancer Center. I’d never be someone’s Dalton because what he and I had was special and unique, but I could hold the hand of a scared child or listen to a teenager talk about their concerns regarding what lies ahead for them.

Noah graduated from the College of Charleston in three years with honors. I don’t know who was more proud of him on his graduation day, me or his mom. Most likely, it was a tie. He was beyond excited to start medical school.

The second anniversary being cancer free came and went without a lot of attention. I was glad. That meant I was no longer defining myself by the cancer. Noah and I celebrated quietly with a dinner cruise around Charleston Harbor. It was nice spending an entire evening together. He’d been so busy with classes that he rarely had a free night. Medical school was more demanding than either of us thought it would be. I mean, they tell you up front that it will be your life, day and night, but you think they’re exaggerating. They’re not. But we would get through this together, piece of cake.

I was sitting in Dr. Lang’s office waiting for him. When Noah and I finally became an official couple, he went with me to the remaining chemo treatments and to every follow-up appointment, except for today.

He was up late last night studying. He didn’t have classes until later today, so I wanted him to catch up on his sleep. He’d be pissed when he woke up and discovered I snuck out of the condo and came here without him, but it wasn’t necessary to always have someone by my side at every appointment. Everything had been going well and I felt great. Dr. Lang walked in and sat behind his desk.

“Noah didn’t come with you today?”

“He was up late last night studying, so I let him sleep. He’ll be mad, but he’ll get over it.”

“He’s been with you at every other appointment. I assumed he would be with you today.” He looked up at me.

I had gotten to know Dr. Lang pretty well over the past few years. I could tell in his eyes he didn’t have good news.

“Amanda, I think Noah needs to be here so we can talk. I’ll have Gayle call him.”

“No. Don’t call him. He’s sleeping.”

“He’d want to be here.” The door opened and his receptionist Gayle walked in. “Gayle would you call Noah Stewart and…”

I stood up abruptly and said, “Do not call him. He is sleeping.” The tears stung my eyes.

That underwater feeling that I had almost forgotten about came rushing back. The doctor motioned to Gayle and she left us alone. I sat back down.

“Amanda, you’re in no condition to drive yourself home. We need to discuss our plan of action. Noah needs to be here. We can call your parents too, if you like.” I simply shook my head.

A half hour later Noah was sitting by my side, clutching my hand. “There were a couple of suspicious spots that showed up on your chest x-ray. The other tests show that the cancer is back. I’m sorry. I think another round of chemo is advisable,” the doctor said.

Another round of chemo echoed in my head. Another round of chemo with the nausea and exhaustion. Another round of chemo, but without Dalton.

Even though I knew the stats and Dr. Lang never hid the fact that the cancer could come back most likely in my lungs, I still fooled myself into believing I was free and clear at this point. My anxiety level had shot through the roof during the first year of checkups, but I had started to relax after the second anniversary.

“My recommendation is that we do what we did last time, ten cycles and…”

“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.

Dr. Lang looked up at me and Noah. He knew already.

“Yes, I realize that.” He exhaled a deep breath. “I know that the recurrence comes as horrible and unexpected news. You’re still early into the pregnancy.” Noah and I glanced at each other. I think we were both still in shock because neither of us were understanding what he was suggesting. “You’re both young and still have plenty of time to start a family.”

“I’m having our baby.”

“Amanda, you know how strong the chemo drugs are. The baby would be at an extremely high risk.”

“Then I won’t have the chemo until after the baby is born,” I said

“Tweet…”

“I’m not going to kill our baby with chemo or any other way.” Dr. Lang stood and rounded his desk.

“I know this is a difficult decision. I’m going to step out for a bit, so you can have some privacy.”

Once I heard the door click shut, my sobs poured out of me. Noah rushed over and knelt in front of me. We wrapped our arms around each other, holding on tightly, I melted into him.

He kept repeating, “I love and adore you.” His voice cracking as he held me and stroked my hair.

My only response was, “I’m sorry for getting sick again.”

His arms tightened around me. I don’t know how long we stayed like that. I was exhausted from the sobs, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

“Tweet, you know I
want
our baby, but I
need
you. I want to have a life with
you.”

“If I don’t have our baby and I don’t survive, then you’ll be alone. I don’t want you to be alone. I know it will be a lot, but my mom will help, and so will your mom, and Emily…”

“I could have the entire fucking city helping me, but if you’re not with me I
will
be alone.”

I looked into his beautiful light blue eyes with tears flowing from them nonstop, drenching his face. Those beautiful eyes were overflowing with love and fear.

Hours must have passed sitting there weighing all our options. When Noah and I left the office, we had made our decision. We knew it was going to be hard, but there really was no other option for us.

I love all the gadgets we have now to communicate. Cell phones, texting, emailing, Facetime, Skype, but there’s still nothing quite like a handwritten letter or note. They’re warm, cozy, and personal. Sure, it might take longer for them to get to you, but some things are worth the wait.

I was in the nursery curled up in the huge glider, my parents had given us as a baby gift. I had two more months to go before I would meet this little one. I hoped that if my time here was coming to an end, that I would at least get to meet my child first, even if it was only for a brief moment.

Noah walked by and stopped in the doorway. “There you are. What are you up to?” he asked.

“I’m writing more notes.”

“Why?” It was a knee jerk reaction. I smiled up at him. He understood why I was doing this, but he wasn’t comfortable talking about it.

“Don’t do that,” I said.

“Do what?”

“Play dumb. You’re no good at it.”

“Slapped in the face by my own words.” He chuckled as he came over to me. Bending down, he kissed the top of my head. “Good. You can read them to her when she gets old enough to understand.”

I looked up at him. It never ceased to amaze me how much I loved him. I’ve known him all my life and every day that passes, I love him more and even if I’m not here, I will never stop loving my knight in plastic armor.

I knew Noah was terrified of the future. He didn’t talk about it, but I could see it in his eyes every time someone brought it up. I wanted to still be a part of raising Halle even if I wasn’t physically here. The day we walked out of Dr. Lang’s office, we had decided that I would wait and have chemo immediately after Halle was born. It was very risky, since before, my cancer was very aggressive, but it was a risk I had to take for our daughter.

I started writing notes to Halle later that night. I needed to make sure I gave her, her thank you and goodbye, just in case I didn’t get to meet her, and I knew that the present was the perfect time to make sure she would have that.