Pretense (52 page)

"He said that unless I come to my senses, he doesn't want to hear from me again." The tears in Delancey's eyes this time were from pain. "I don't want it to end like this, Mom, but I am going to Chicago in three weeks."

"Maybe he'll calm down and call you, and you can explain and apologize."

"I don't feel that I need to apologize. He made all these assumptions and then got mad at me for not reading his mind. Remember when I told you I needed to put some space between us and you mentioned marriage? Well, I was serious when I told you he'd never talked about that, and now he's already started looking for an apartment close to Mills, so I won't have to commute far."

Marrell sighed. "Men can be horrible communicators, D.J. Your father used to assume he had told me things when he hadn't, and then he would get upset with me when I wasn't thrilled over last-minute plans. For the last two Christmases, Jack has forgotten to tell me about the company Christmas party, and I've had two days' notice. We don't get into big fights about it, but I make it more than clear that I would like more warning."

"I remember last Christmas. You were in a panic about your dress."

Marrell shook her head. "I'd put on weight and couldn't wear the one I liked, so I made a mad rush to the mall where I

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found nothing, only to end up wearing something that I had in the closet."

"But Jack didn't expect you to marry him until he asked."

"True, but it sounds to me as though you've been distancing yourself from Kyle, and he's trying to get you back. As I said, he isn't the first man to silently plan and not communicate."

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Delancey reached up and removed the necklace she was wearing.

"I think I'll return this to him. Maybe he can get his money back."

"I don't think he'll want that, D.J."

"I don't know. . ." Her voice was sad. "But if we'd had this fight before my birthday, he wouldn't have bought me an expensive necklace."

Marrell had no idea what to say. She had only met Kyle twice in all these months, which was not the way she would have chosen to handle it. Clearly that was because Kyle was in love and Delancey wasn't. The whole thing made her tired.

I feel ashamed, Lord, for wanting Delancey to go back to school, but in truth, I'm ready to go back to my quiet life. This has been the most exhausting summer of my life. I want Bible study to start up again, and I want to be in this apartment alone with my husband. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. Help me to be therefor D.J. but not to forget You orJack. I need wisdom, Lord
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more so than I did when the girls were little. I would have thought it was just the opposite, but I've been naive and
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Delancey stood very quietly, her eyes on her mother's sleeping face. She wasn't angry that she'd fallen asleep during their conversation. She still didn't know what to do about Kyle, however.

Delancey chose not to think about it. She'd already illustrated three of the four Micah Bear manuscripts Mackenzie had sent before learning that the first two wouldn't even be out until the next year. She didn't need to rush the last one at all, but it was a way to take her mind from her problems. She settled down at her easel for the next two hours, the manuscript to
A Snowy Day for Micah Bear
open on the desk beside her.

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There didn't seem to be anything else to say. The doctor had sat at his desk and told Jack and Marrell that the cancer was all through Marrell's body and then explained their options. The Averys didn't say much, not to the doctor and not to each other, as they went to the parking lot, got in the car, and drove home. Jack opened the door quietly and went to the fireplace as soon as Marrell said she was cold. The fire lit, he turned to find her sitting on the sofa just watching him.

"Why doesn't cancer ever figure into anyone's plans, Jack?"

"I don't know." He stayed where he was by the fireplace and just looked at her.

"I was so excited to have Delancey go back to school. It's been fun to have the place to ourselves."

She stopped then as though she were out of words.

"Maybe this is what God is going to use to finally get their attention," he said quietly.

Tears filled Marrell's eyes, and she motioned to him with her hands. He came right to her, sat close, and put his arms around her. Her tears let him have his own.

"I can't stand it that you'll be here on your own, Jackson; I just can't bear it."

He moved until his forehead lay right against hers.

"I'm so glad you married me, Marrell Ann Walker Bishop Avery. Never doubt that for a moment. My life has been so sweet and so blessed with you beside me."

"Oh, Jack, just hold me."

It was so sweet not to need words. She'd been tired for the whole year, but a serious illness had never entered their minds.

"I can't call them," Marrell told him softly, her mind just realizing it. "I can't call the girls."

"I'll do it."

"Will you, Jack? Will you really?"

"Yes. Right now."

"Jack!" Marrell's voice was urgent, but the hands she put on his face were tender. "Do it like my grandmother did. Don't set them up or drag it out. She called and said,'Ihave cancer.' That was it-no beating around the bush."

"I'll do that, just the way you said."

"And Jack, ask them to come now. Ask them to visit while I still feel good."

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"Did your grandmother ask that as well?"

"Yes. The girls won't remember all the details, but I went on my own and we had two weeks together. It was wonderful. Then we all planned to go for Christmas, but she died just a few days before. At the time I was angry, but God is good, Jack. He knew the timing would be perfect, and she could have been ill for months or years. God was so merciful."

"You chose to rejoice."

"Yes, and as much as I hate to leave you, I'll choose that this time as well."

Jack kissed her. "We both will."

Marrell sat where she was when he went to the phone and prayed as she never had before for the daughters God had given her, knowing with all her heart that He was the only one who could help them now.

"Who is this?" Mackenzie held up a photo for her mother to see. Marrell smiled.

"That's Grandma Bishop."

"It looks like Delancey."

"Yes. Amazing, isn't it?"

It was all so reminiscent of Colorado. Marrell felt as though she'd spun backward in time, only in this scene she was the one with cancer, and her daughters had come to her.

"I forgot to ask you what Grandma Bishop said," Delancey mentioned, the old photo in her hand.

"Jack spoke with her. She wasn't able to stay on the line very long, and then Otto called back to confirm that it was terminal. I wrote her a letter, but she would have just gotten it, so I haven't heard from her yet."

Delancey kept looking at the photo, but inside she was shocked and amazed. During the day they were all so normal. But for three nights she had cried herself to sleep. During the days they had sorted through photos, cleaned boxes out of closets, even carted stuff off to charity. The talking was nonstop. She felt as though she had stepped into someone else's nightmare but didn't admit that to anyone until later that night when she was alone with Mackenzie in her room.

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"I'm not going to survive this," she said softly. Mackenzie was sitting in the chair, and Delancey was on her sister's bed. "I feel like I'm dying inside, Mic. How can God take both our parents? I just don't understand."

"I don't either," Mackenzie admitted. "But what seems worse is that I don't feel anything. I just can't find any emotions at all."

The sisters stared at each other.

"This is the first time I've ever felt like asking God for help, Mic. I mean, really asking."

"Then ask, D.J., but don't expect-" Mackenzie cut off, realizing suddenly that there were more emotions inside her than she thought. She took a deep breath. Now was not the time to give way to the tight rage that coiled within her.

"Girls." Their mother's voice sounded at the door as she opened it a crack. "Is Delancey in here, Mic?"

"Yeah."

Marrell joined her daughters. She had fallen asleep on the sofa after dinner and awakened to find Jack asleep in his chair, Delancey's room empty, and Mackenzie's door shut.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah," Mackenzie answered.

"Mom, are you afraid of the pain?" This came from Delancey.

Marrell sat on the floor next to the open doorway. "No. There could come a time when it takes me by surprise, but right now I'm just tired all the time and feel a little odd. If the disease was confined to my uterus, they would do a hysterectomy, but the cancer is so widespread that Jack and I decided to let it go."

"I've heard that chemo can make it more tolerable, Mom," Mackenzie put in. "Did you consider that?"

"Yes, but as you know, it can also make you pretty sick, so I don't think I want that. Shay wants me to do it, just on the chance that they could be wrong about its finality, but she understands my decision."

"I forgot to ask you how she took it."

"Hard. She's taking it very hard. We go back a long way."

"How many years?"

"Well . . . second grade." Marrell laughed a little and shook her head in wonder. "I was so tired all the time, and considering I'd turned 44 in March, I thought the weird symptoms were just the change of life. I especially felt that way when Shay

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started going through the same thing, and her doctor told her that's what it was and to ride it out. I should have gone in sooner, but the oncologist said that this has probably been going on for quite some time. Going sooner might have helped, but he wasn't overly optimistic about that."

"Do you think about waking up in heaven, Mom?" her youngest daughter asked. She didn't want to think about tests and doctors right now.

"I think about heaven, D.J., but not waking up there. Second Corinthians 5 talks about how temporary our bodies are. It calls them earthly tents. At death we just don't need them any longer. I won't fall asleep and then wake up in heaven. I'll be in my earthly body and then with the Lord, just that fast. No falling asleep and waking up-just one place and then the other."

Delancey, who found this very comforting, smiled at her mother, but Mackenzie was almost catatonic. Her mother couldn't help but notice.

"Are you all right, Mic?"

"No, Mom, I'm not. I can't feel anything. It's the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. I just can't feel anything."

Her mother smiled at her. "It's going to take some getting used to, Mic."

"You've always been here," the girl said as though just realizing it. "I've never even tried to imagine life without you. I guess after Dad died I may have thought of it, but it was just too inconceivable. I wish I could think straight. I just feel numb."

"I recall feeling the same way when your father died-just numb."

"What will Jack do?"

Marrell smiled a little. "He'll keep on. Knowing he will keep on is one of the things that helps me. We talk all the time, and we cry a lot, but he will be here for you girls, so I know you'll be in good hands. We're also working on legal matters so that things will be as uncomplicated as possible. Oh, I almost forgot-" Marrell came to her feet. "I'll be right back."

She rushed out and was back so fast that the girls' eyes were still on the door when she returned.

"Okay, this one is D.J.'s, and this one is Mackenzie's." She handedthembrownleatherbankbooks."Rememberthose

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accounts we set up for the two of you after your dad died? Well, you're old enough to have charge of them, so here they are."

"You can't be serious," Mackenzie said when she saw the total. "Where did this money come from?"

"Your father's life insurance. You didn't need it for college, Mic, and Jack has paid for all of D.J.'s schooling."

"I don't want this right now, Mom." Delancey had started to cry.

"Well, you don't have to do anything with it, but I've wanted you to have the books for a long time and just kept forgetting to give them to you. Don't spend it all in one place," Marrell finished, but her little joke fell flat. Delancey was in tears, and Mackenzie looked shell-shocked. Marrell moved close to the bed to touch her daughter.

"I'm sorry, D.J." Tears came for her daughter. "I'm sorry I won't be here to see you walk down the aisle or hold your babies, but please believe me when I tell you that God is in control. If I didn't believe that, I would never survive."

"Oh, Mom" was all Delancey could say. Her tears came in such a painful way. Delancey clung to her mother, and Mackenzie moved close to touch her as well. Mackenzie wished she could cry. She thought it might help. But no tears came. Not then, and not even when they gathered the next month for what was sure to be their last Christmas.