Promise Me (37 page)

It was like I’d come back to center and realized what I’d done. She’d been hitting me and yelling at me, just like my dad had for so many years, like he still did in my nightmares, and it was like I snapped. Something in me – some deep-rooted emotional scar that was angry that I’d never fought back as a kid – wasn’t going to allow me to stand there and just take it.

I’d never meant to hurt her. I’d just wanted her to stop.

I stepped away from her and kept going until the backs of my legs hit the bed, and I sat down, my head going into my hands, my elbows braced on my knees. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. I couldn’t believe I’d put my hands on her. I was no better than
him
.

“What just happened?” Alyssa asked, sounding terrified.

I shook my head, not looking up at her. I knew how much bigger I was than her. I knew how much stronger I was. She hadn’t been hurting me – not physically – and I never should have fought back like I had. But it was like I couldn’t stop myself.

“I’m sorry,” I told Alyssa, my head still in my hands.

Before I could process what she was doing, she was next to me on the bed, her hand on my shoulder. “Jack, talk to me.”

I looked up at her, well-aware that I was crying. I’d never cried in front of her before. Hell, I rarely cried at all, but I was a complete mess, and I couldn’t keep the tears from falling.

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

“You were someone else,” she said softly. “One second you were you, and then you were someone I’ve never seen before.”

I sighed and closed my eyes for a few seconds. When I opened them, I saw the concern written across her face. Regardless of what she’d felt moments earlier, it had been replaced by something genuine and kind, and I had no idea what was going on with us, but that look in her eyes spoke to me.

“There is so much that you don’t know about me,” I told her as I realized my hands were shaking.

“What do you mean?” she asked, sounding afraid. I could only imagine where her mind had gone.

“My dad used to hit me when I was younger,” I told her with almost no emotion in my voice. “He called me worthless. He called me a piece of shit, and he used to terrorize me. I never stood up to him. I just let it happen. I was too afraid to fight back. I don’t do well with violence, and I won’t tolerate it aimed at me. Don’t ever hit me again.”

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly.

I shook my head. “Alyssa, I’m serious. Don’t ever do that again.”

Fresh tears filled her eyes as she nodded. “I’m sorry, Jack. I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” I said resignedly, because I believed she was sorry. I just wasn’t sure it mattered.

We were silent for a few moments, as I felt my adrenaline start to settle. Fatigue replaced it.

“Jack, please tell me you didn’t cheat on me,” Alyssa said softly a few seconds later.

“I didn’t cheat on you. I swear,” I said around a sigh. “But I also didn’t tell you the full truth, and I’m sorry for that. I lived in Indiana until I was twelve – with my parents. We weren’t a happy family. In reality, things pretty much sucked at home, but I had a best friend. I met her when we were five, and somehow she made life bearable. She kept me sane for years, she made me feel like I wasn’t alone, and she made me feel safe.” I looked over at Alyssa. “That was Kate.
That’s
why I’m so close with her.
That’s
why I brought her home to meet my family. She was a huge part of my life for years, and I wanted them to meet her.”

“Do you love her?”

“I do, but not in the way you’re thinking.”

I said it because it was what I should have felt. But I wasn’t sure it was the whole truth. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

Alyssa nodded. “Do you still love me?”

I hesitated, because after what had just happened, I honestly didn’t know what I was feeling. “Lys, I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.”

I saw her let out a shaky breath, but then she nodded. “Okay.”

She knew me well enough to know that when I wasn’t in the mood to talk about something, it wasn’t going to happen.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated as she got up from the bed.

“I’m sorry too. Will you call me tomorrow?”

“Yes,” I told her, even though I wasn’t sure I would.

She looked sad as she left my room, and my heart felt like a lead balloon. I had no idea what I was feeling, I was completely exhausted, and I might have just broken up with my girlfriend. That hadn’t been my intention, but hadn’t her question told me all I needed to know? If I couldn’t answer it, if I didn’t love her – either because I just didn’t or because of what she’d done a few minutes earlier – why should we stay together?

It was something I knew I wasn’t going to resolve – at least not right then. I wasn’t thinking clearly enough, and too many emotions were racing through me, fighting for top billing. I was confused and sad and ashamed, and it felt like every part of me ached.

I lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. A minute later a knock sounded on my door.

“Go away,” I called back, knowing Cullen and Micah had heard our fight. I knew neither of them would have been able to stay away for long.

“You okay, man?” Micah called through the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.

“You want to come out and watch TV?”

“No.”

“You want some food?”

Of course he’d offer food. In his mind it cured all.

“No, I’m fine,” I told him, probably more tersely than was necessary. I had no reason to be mad at him.

“Did you and Alyssa break up?”

“I don’t know.”

“She looked pretty upset when she left.”

“I know.”

“Are you going to start dating Kate now?”

Micah!” I snapped as I sat up. “Go away. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine,” he grumbled, and I heard him walk away from the door

I laid back against the bed, finding comfort in the softness of the mattress. My mind flitted to Kate, his question resonating with me, and for the first time since I’d seen her again, I let myself consciously think about her in a way I hadn’t since we were kids.

My head started to pound, and I knew it was too soon. I had no idea what was even going on with Alyssa and me. I couldn’t start entertaining the notion that maybe I was really in love with Kate. It was too soon.

So even though it was barely nine o’clock, I got out of bed, located my bottle of Tylenol PM, and I took three, hoping they would knock me out until morning. Then I kicked off my shoes, crawled back into bed fully clothed, and I waited for sleep to take me, knowing it would be a welcome release from all the things I didn’t want to think about.

Chapter Eighteen

Kate

“Hey,” I said softly as I let myself into my apartment.

Sara was sprawled out on the couch, texting someone on her phone, while some reality show played on the TV. She looked up when she heard me come in.

“Welcome back,” she said coyly. “Did you have an amazing time?”

I dropped my overnight bag on the kitchen floor, feeling guilty that I’d lied when I’d texted to tell her that I was going away for the weekend. Our lives had been so separate since the semester had started that I knew she’d never question me when I told her I was going to Houston with Justin. She knew I’d gone out with him twice, so she assumed a romantic weekend was the indication that we were getting serious. I let her think that, because it was easier than explaining what was really going on. In truth, I knew she’d be upset to know that I’d gone home with Jack, even if the weekend was intended to be completely platonic – and it had been until he’d told me he wanted to kiss me.

I internally winced at the memory as a twisted part of me wished I would have let him do it. I hated cheating, and I’d never condoned it before, but it was really hard to not get caught up in the moment when the guy you’d fallen for told you he wanted to kiss you. I’d had to fight to maintain rational thought, and even then I’d wondered if I was an idiot for pushing him away.

I wasn’t, and I needed to let what happened between us go, because it wasn’t real. It might have felt real for several confusing seconds, but to Jack it was a mistake. He’d said so himself, and he didn’t want to be with me.

But I knew turning off my feelings wasn’t going to be as easy as I hoped. That was made evident to me throughout the entire day as I’d tried not to think about the night before and act normal so his aunt and uncle wouldn’t suspect anything. It had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, with the only reprieve being when we’d ridden around on ATVs, because I could use the need to wrap my arms around Jack so I didn’t die as an excuse to do what I’d wanted to do all day. The truth was, I liked him – a lot – and I wanted to be close to him, but doing that was only going to cause me pain.

I knew I’d promised him that nothing would change between us, and I wished with everything in me that I could make good on that promise, but I wasn’t sure I was that strong. How could I hang out with him and joke with him and be alone with him and not think about the fact that what I got from him was only a sliver of what I truly wanted? How was I supposed to see him with Alyssa and be okay with it? How was I supposed to act like our platonic friendship was enough, because it wasn’t. I wasn’t sure how to be around him anymore, because as much as I didn’t want it to be true, everything had changed on Saturday night.

Before I’d had a crush on him. I’d secretly lusted after him, and I’d ogled him from afar, thinking he was cute and charming and funny, but I’d told myself it wasn’t the end of the world that he was taken. I was cool with us being friends. But then he’d looked at me like he
wanted
me, and in that moment, I knew things would never be the same.

He’d looked at me like that once before, the night he’d kissed me when we were twelve, and at the time I didn’t know enough to read into it. But now that I was older, I knew the magnitude of a look like that, and I knew it was how I wanted him to look at me forever. I wanted to be with him, to kiss him, to look at him from across a room and know he was mine. And if that wasn’t going to happen, I wasn’t sure I could be his friend.

The thought alone made my stomach clench, because I knew what I was giving up. I’d only ever had one best friend, and it was Jack. He was the only person I’d ever felt comfortable being my whole self with, without fear of judgement. I felt complete when I was with him. I felt confident and cared for, and I felt like no matter what happened, he’d be there to catch me. That feeling had never been there with anyone else in my life, not even my family.

Maybe it was a product of having to raise myself and of knowing that if something was going to get done, I was going to have to do it. I’d lived that way for so much of my life. But when I was with Jack, he took some of that burden away. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew I never would have let loose like I had on Saturday night with anyone but him. I’d known that he’d had one eye on me during the whole party. He’d known who I was talking to, and nothing bad would have happened, because he would have intervened. He was the only guy I’d ever fully trusted, and I hadn’t realized it until the moment I knew I had to let him go.

“My weekend was amazing, and it was terrible,” I told my sister.

She sat up and looked at me with concern. “What do you mean? What did Justin do?”

I sighed as I walked into the living room, and she moved her feet back on the couch to make room so I could sit.

“I wasn’t with Justin,” I told her, wondering if I’d already said too much.

I didn’t usually open up to her. In fact, I didn’t make a habit of opening up to anyone. I solved my own problems, and I’d never had any close girlfriends that I felt like I could talk to about stuff that was bothering me – mostly because they could never relate. My problems were things they never had to deal with in a million years. Most of the time I suffered in silence, but I didn’t want to do that in this case. Pushing Jack away might be the hardest thing I’d ever do, and I needed to talk to
someone
about it.

“What do you mean you weren’t with Justin?” Sara questioned.

I turned to face her on the couch and pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “Can I talk to you openly and know that you won’t say anything to anyone?”

“Yeah, of course,” she said, looking concerned.

“I’m serious, Sara. This is something that can’t ever get back to any of your friends. You can’t let it slip when you’re drunk, and you can’t confirm anything if you’re asked about it. And I need you to please not judge me for anything I tell you.”

“I swear, I won’t say anything, and of course I’m not going to judge you. You’re my sister. Tell me what’s going on.”

I hesitated, but she was looking at me with such worry that I knew I had to say something.

“I went home with Jack this weekend,” I blurted out, the words sounding odd as I heard myself say them.

Sara’s eyes got wide. “You did what?!”

“Nothing happened,” I said quickly. “I mean nothing big. We’re not sleeping together or anything. He just wanted me to meet his aunt and uncle and his friends from high school, and the whole weekend was supposed to be completely platonic.”

“Supposed to be?”

I bit my lip. “He tried to kiss me.”

“He did?”

“I know. It’s bad,” I said, having heard the disdain for Jack in her voice. “He has a girlfriend, and I knew that all along. And because of that I was really careful not to do anything that would make him think I wanted to be more than friends.”

“But you do?”

I nodded miserably. “He’s incredible, Sara. He’s the most dynamic guy I’ve ever met. He’s smart, he’s kind, he’s funny, and we have so much history. I thought when we reconnected that I was just going to be glad to have him back in my life, as my friend, but as I got to know him, everything I felt for him started to magnify, and before I knew it, I was seeing him in a completely different light. This weekend, seeing him with his family, with his friends, having him show me around his hometown, I fell even harder.”

“And he feels the same way?” she asked hopefully.

I shook my head. “No, he doesn’t.”

“Then why did he try to kiss you? Was he drunk?”

“No, he was sober. It’s a long story, but we were talking, and I guess he got caught up in the moment. I stopped him, and as soon as he realized what he’d almost done, he regretted it. I know everything I was feeling was one-sided, and it just sucks.”

“Wow.”

“I know. I feel awful for leading him on in any way, and I feel worse about how I feel about him. It’s not like me to ever even think about someone else’s boyfriend, but it’s like I can’t help it. Jack’s this perfect guy, and we have this amazing connection, and I can’t help loving him.”

I’d thought talking about what was going on in my head was going to help, but as I heard out loud what I’d been thinking all along, I only felt worse. I really was a terrible person.

“You
love
him?”

I nodded. “I do. I’m not sure I even admitted it to myself until now, but it’s true. Sometime in the past month and a half, I completely fell for him. Or maybe it was there all along. Ever since he kissed me when we were twelve, I always wondered if there was more between us than friendship.”

“Whoa,” Sara said, holding up her hand. “He kissed you when you were twelve?!”

I nodded.

“When? Where? And how come I never knew about it?”

I sighed. I’d never told anyone what I was about to tell her, and even now I wasn’t sure if I should, but I knew it would be harder for me to explain the situation if I didn’t.

“Jack used to sneak into my room late at night,” I told her, and her eyes got wide. I figured I needed to clarify what I was saying, since her mind had obviously gone to the wrong place. “It’s not what you think. He was scared. His parents fought a lot, and his dad was a jerk and a bully, and he’d come over to escape what was going on at home. Usually we’d just sit and talk until things calmed down, and then he’d go home, but the night before everything happened with his mom, he told me he wanted to kiss me. So I let him. It was my first kiss, and it was everything I’d dreamed about when I thought about what that moment would be like. It was perfect.”

“And then he left the next day?” Sara said in disbelief.

I nodded. “He left the next day.”

“Oh, my God. So you guys were childhood sweethearts who were ripped apart by tragedy only to reconnect later in life. That
just might be the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

If only that were the case.

“This story doesn’t have a happy ending,” I reminded her.

“Why not? If Jack wanted to kiss you, then who cares if he has a girlfriend? You win. He wants you. I say go for it – although if I’m ever asked about it, I never told you that. I’m an AKPi sister now, but it doesn’t mean Alyssa can’t still blackball me for taking your side.”

I swallowed back the lump that had formed in my throat. “Sara, Jack doesn’t want me. The almost kiss was a mistake. He said so – several times. He completely regrets it, and I’m not sure we can even be friends anymore.”

“He regrets it? That’s some bullshit.”

“Yeah, well, it’s the truth.”

As I said it, it felt like my chest was constricting around my heart in tandem with the dull ache that was spreading through my stomach. I hated that things had to be like they were. I wished I didn’t feel anything for Jack. I wished he’d grown up to be ugly or stupid or a jerk like Pete. That would make it easier to not be consumed with wanting to be with him. As it stood, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to even sit with him in class in less than twelve hours.

“So what are you going to do?” Sara asked me tentatively.

“I have no idea. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m not sure how we can be friends.”

She nodded. “Yeah, talk about awkward.”

I sighed.

“Maybe you should date someone else,” she suggested. “You know, as a way to get over him. Justin’s cute, and I know he likes you.”

I shook my head. “I can’t. I’d never do that to Justin or any other guy. It wouldn’t be fair, and quite honestly, I’d rather be alone at this point.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

Even though she’d said it, I knew she had no clue what I was talking about. My sister had never been in love. She had no idea what it felt like to have your heart broken, and she hated to be alone. She’d rather casually date ten guys than have real feelings for one. That was where we differed. I knew pushing my feelings down and dating someone else would never work. I wasn’t even going to attempt it.

“I think I’m going to take a bath,” I told her as I got to my feet. “Thanks for listening.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help. This situation sucks, but if it’s any consolation, I think Jack’s crazy to pick Alyssa over you. You’re amazing.”

I smiled. “Thanks, Sara. I’m not sure why he’s with her either, but sometimes things don’t make sense, and you can’t even try to explain them.”

She nodded. “Yup.” I was almost out of the living room when she said, “If you want me to start a rumor that Jack slept with a slutty girl and gave her crabs or something, I’ll do it.”

I turned back to look at her, surprised to see she was completely serious.

“That’ll break him and Alyssa up for sure,” she said eagerly.

I gave her a small smile. “As tempting as that would be, it’s not my style. I want Jack to be happy, and if being with Alyssa makes him happy, I won’t fight it.”

“Okay, but just know that the offer’s on the table. I hate that he hurt you, Kate.”

“Me too,” I told her as I headed to the bathroom, hoping the steam and bubbles and some music would take my mind off of Jack.