Promise Me (36 page)

And in the back of my mind, I knew a part of me had assumed this was the weekend we’d figure it all out. He’d tell me how he felt, and I’d tell him I felt the same way, and then he’d tell me he was ending things with Alyssa. Of course that wasn’t going to happen, and regardless of whether he got caught up in a moment and wanted to kiss me, it didn’t change the fact that the pit in my stomach was tied directly to his rejection.

But it wasn’t like I could tell him that.

Jack looked up at me with pleading eyes. “I really shouldn’t have done that.”

“I know,” I told him, trying like hell to keep my emotions under control. “Maybe we should just get some sleep.”

I watched recognition dawn on his face as he realized I was kicking him out. But it wasn’t like I wanted him to stay when there was a very real possibility that I could start crying at any moment. I wasn’t a crier by nature. I’d always considered myself too tough for that, but when something I’d wanted so badly was dangled in front of me, only to be ripped away, it hurt like a bitch. Maybe a solid cry would do me good.

Or maybe I just needed to get over the fact that Jack was never mine to begin with, and I’d completely invaded someone else’s territory on false pretenses. All this time I’d thought Alyssa was the bitch, but maybe it was me. I certainly had a bad taste in my mouth over everything I’d been thinking where Jack was concerned, and over the past twenty-four hours I’d given very little regard to the fact that his girlfriend even existed.

“Please tell me things aren’t going to be weird between us,” Jack said, looking truly concerned.

I decided then that I didn’t deserve to be upset or to cry. I’d made my own mess, and I needed to live with that. So I put on a brave face and said, “They won’t be.”

Jack ran a hand through his hair, disheveling it even more. “But I tried to kiss you. I can’t take that back. Fuck, that was so stupid of me.”

Pretty much the last thing I wanted to hear was how much he regretted what he’d done. I got it. It was a mistake of epic proportions. Rubbing it in wasn’t necessary.

“How about we never talk about it again,” I suggested, because that would be preferable.

“Are you sure?”

“Jack, it was a mistake. Let it go,” I said, figuring if I played flippant about the whole thing, it might actually feel that way.

“So we’ll be cool tomorrow?”

“Of course,” I told him, hoping I’d feel different in the morning. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it. You got caught up in the moment. It happens.”

It had actually never happened to me before, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I’d also never been in a situation as twisted as this one.

“Okay, but please know that I really am sorry.”

“I know you are,” I told him as I got up from the bed. “Let’s just pretend it never happened.”

“I’d like that,” he said, digging the knife in just a little deeper.

“Great, now go get some sleep. I know I’m exhausted. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jack gathered up his Bio Chem book and his reading light, and he headed to the door. He paused when he reached it. “Thanks for being so cool, Kate. Your friendship means a lot to me, and I’d hate to lose it over a moment of insanity.”

A moment of insanity. Well didn’t that just twist the knife all the way.

“You won’t lose me,” I told him, mostly because I felt the way I did, and I knew there was no way I was going to pull myself out of his life. For better or worse, we were friends. That might end up hurting me, but I’d never let him know it.

“You promise?”

That was it. That was our seal. They were the words we said to each other when something important was on the line, and I’d never make a promise to Jack that I couldn’t keep.

“I promise,” I told him, and I saw his expression immediately relax.

“Goodnight, Kate.”

“Goodnight, Jack.”

After he was gone, I got under the covers, but it took me a long time to fall asleep. I was sad and I was hurt, and I hated myself just a little bit. I knew it would pass, but I had no idea how long it would take. Until then I’d do what I could to put the moment out of my mind and know that at least I’d avoided even more heartache, because had I kissed Jack, had I known how great it could be, it would have hurt a lot worse to have to be friends with him. At least now I had no idea what I was missing.

Chapter Seventeen

Jack

“Thanks for a great weekend,” Kate said with a small smile when we reached my door.

I knew what we were both thinking, what we weren’t saying, and what she wasn’t going to bring up. She was being gracious with me, giving me an out, but I knew she wasn’t okay with what I’d done.

She was going to overlook it, and hopefully she was going to focus on the fact that it really had been a great weekend. I knew our almost kiss on Saturday night didn’t sit well with her. Hell, it didn’t sit well with me either, but I knew I hadn’t been thinking straight.

I hesitated in what normally would have been the time I’d hug her goodbye, because I wasn’t sure I should. Then I said to hell with it, because I
wanted
to hug her.

“I had a lot of fun. I’m glad we did it,” I said as I pulled her against me.

“Me too,” she said softly, and I really hoped she meant it.

Although she’d hid it well, I’d been able to see a difference in her all day. I knew when I went to bed for the second time on Saturday night that things might be strained between us. Even though she’d told me we were okay, I knew there was no way we’d be able to go back to normal after what I’d done – at least not right away. There was going to be a period of awkwardness, and now that we were in it, I wholeheartedly regretted losing my head.

But to Kate’s credit, she’d tried. I honestly don’t think my aunt and uncle knew anything was up, and I was so grateful for that, since we’d spent the whole day with them. It had started with brunch, and then we’d taken the boat out for a few hours, we’d grabbed a late lunch on the way home, and then Uncle Rob had insisted we show Kate our property in the best way possible, which meant tooling around on ATVs for an hour.

That was my favorite part of the day, because Kate was behind me on the ATV, and I hadn’t exactly been driving at a leisurely pace. She’d had to wrap her arms around my waist – a relative first, since she’d barely touched me all day – and it felt like she truly relaxed as we zoomed around the path Uncle Rob had made through the woods years earlier. I heard her laughing often, and it was literally the best sound I could have heard. I went back to that sound again and again throughout the rest of the day when things got weird, and I told myself that in time we’d get back to the place we’d been before I’d screwed up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow in class?” I questioned when I pulled back from Kate.

“I’ll be there,” she said with forced casualness, and as she turned away from me, a feeling a dread washed over me.

It really sucked, because things had been going so well with us. Our friendship was comfortable and easy. It was laughter and light-hearted jokes and knowing someone so well that they usually knew what you were thinking. I needed that in my life, even though I hadn’t realized it until I’d gotten Kate back. I couldn’t lose what we had because for a moment I’d forgotten myself.

The urge to say something, anything, to her as she unlocked her door gripped me as I watched her turn the key in the lock. Neither of us had mentioned the night before all day, and that fact was weighing on me.

Almost like she could hear my thoughts, Kate turned and looked over her shoulder at me. “Everything okay?” she asked before I could get the words out.

“I’m really sorry about what happened,” I blurted out, knowing I’d already apologized multiple times, but once more couldn’t hurt.

“It’s okay,” she said with a small smile, but I knew she was just saying that.

I shook my head in frustration. “I almost – I know it wasn’t – I know it was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

I watched Kate take a deep measured breath. “I know, Jack. And I told you, no harm done.”

As soon as I heard her say the words it was like I could breathe normally again, although I knew the feeling wouldn’t necessarily last. But maybe it would get me through the night.

“I’m glad,” I said softly, and she gave me one last smile.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Then she was gone, and I was alone, but that was okay. We were alright – for now.

I let myself into my apartment, knowing I was going to have to dive into some studying. I really just wanted to crawl into bed and watch TV, but I’d done parallels of that all weekend while I’d been hanging out with Kate and my family. I’d essentially taken the same advice I’d given Kate and had forgone my normally focused self for one that had a little fun for once.

And it had been awesome. Flashes of Kate smiling at me from across the bonfire at the party, sitting with her in the back of my truck, and talking late into the night were the things I was going to remember. Watching her perched on the front of the boat as we cruised along the lake, the water like glass, and the cool October air blowing her blond hair across her face. Flying through the woods on ATVs, Kate’s laughter ringing out behind me, and her arms wrapped around my waist as my uncle goaded us into trying to catch him. Aunt Deena had been bringing up the rear, shouting out reminders for us to be careful and not kill ourselves, which had only made Kate hold onto me tighter, as I laughed and yelled at Uncle Rob and stepped on the gas.

Showing Kate my old haunts, telling her stories from my childhood that were happy instead of dismal, and seeing her face relax when she realized how good my life had really turned out had been exactly what I’d needed. It really had been a perfect weekend – if you took out the one small flaw.

“Hey man,” Micah said when I walked into the apartment.

He and Cullen were lounging in the living room, one on each couch, with an episode of
The Simpsons
on the TV.

“Hey,” I said to them.

“You’ve got company,” Cullen said, eyeing me pointedly.

“Who?”

His eyes narrowed. “Your girlfriend,” he said, like it should have been obvious.

As soon as he said that, my heart plummeted. Although I’d done nothing wrong, guilt still ate away at me. I felt like I’d betrayed Alyssa, and Cullen’s accusatory look didn’t exactly help things. Even though I’d told him time and again that Kate and I were just friends, he refused to believe me. Of course he would assume that me bringing her home for the weekend was another example of my cheating, and I wasn’t sure there was much I could do to convince him otherwise.

“Great,” I said, forcing cheer into my tone for his benefit. “I can’t wait to see her.”

“You should tell her what’s going on, man,” Cullen told me.

“What’s going on?” Micah questioned as he stuffed a handful of chips into his mouth.

“Nothing,” I told him quickly, and then I fixed a glare on Cullen. “There’s nothing to tell. I’ve told you that.”

He shook his head. “I always thought you were a stand-up guy, Jack.”

That made me angry. “I am,” I said through gritted teeth. “Nothing happened. Nothing at all.”

A small lie, but a necessary one in my opinion.

“If you say so,” he said, and even though I wasn’t a fighter, the very real urge to punch him washed over me.

But I held back, knowing I was too tired to argue with him. He was just pissed because he thought I’d snaked the girl he liked. He was wrong, but there wasn’t much I could do to persuade him otherwise. Maybe Kate would talk to him. She had a way about her that was just plain trustworthy, and maybe if Cullen heard from her that nothing was going on with us, then he’d believe it.

“You’ve got mail on the table,” Micah piped up, spitting a few chip pieces out with his words.

“Thanks,” I told him with a sigh, reaching over to grab the stack of envelopes they’d left for me on the hall table.

“Don’t be a dick, Jack,” Cullen called after me.

“Fuck off, asshole,” I told him as I headed for my room. I was done with his glares and accusations. I just hoped Lys would be okay with a short visit, since I really had to study.

“Hey babe,” I said as I opened the door to my room and saw her sitting on my bed, her eyes wet with tears.

“Why are you crying?” I asked as I quickly closed the door behind me, dropped my bag, and started to go over to her.

She held up her hand to stop me when I was halfway there. “Don’t come any closer, Jack.”

I froze. “What’s wrong?”

Anger flashed in her eyes as she rose to her feet, her lips twisting into a snarl. “How could you do this to me?”

“Do what?” I asked, even though I had a feeling I knew what she was upset about.

She gave me a look of disdain and said, “Do you think I’m stupid?”

I felt all the blood drain from my head. Someone – probably Cullen, and I was going to have to really kick his ass now – had told her about Kate coming home with me. That was the only thing she could have feasibly been upset about. It was bullshit, because nothing had happened, but Alyssa obviously didn’t think that, and like I’d predicted, she was furious with me.

I shook my head. “Lys, it’s not what you think. I swear.”

She snorted as she walked closer to where I stood stock still.

“It’s not what I
think
?!” she screeched. “It’s not what I
think
?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Jack?”

“It means it’s not what you think,” I said, trying to stay calm. The last thing I wanted was to fight with her.

Alyssa’s glare deepened as she reached me, and before I knew what was happening, her hands had shot out, landing on my chest and pushing me back. She wasn’t stronger than me, but she’d never laid a hand on me before, so I wasn’t expecting it. I staggered back a few steps before regaining my balance, my chest constricting when I saw venom in her eyes.

“Did you honestly think that I wouldn’t find out?” she growled. “That you could take another girl home to meet your goddamn family, and I wouldn’t know about it?! I have eyes all over this goddamn campus, Jack. I have people who give a shit about me who’ve been telling me for weeks that you’re screwing around behind my back, but I’ve ignored them. I told them you’d never do that to me, that I could trust you, and that I had no idea why you’d want to be friends with that slut, but that I was trying to be cool about it, because I
trusted
you!”

I gritted my teeth, anger boiling inside me as I heard her call Kate a slut. “Don’t call her that.”

“Oh, that is just so typical,” she seethed. “You’re defending her, while I’m the one who’s getting screwed over here.”

“You weren’t screwed over, Lys,” I assured her. “Nothing happened with Kate. I told you that we’re just friends. We have history.”

“You’re lying,” she accused, in an eerily confident way, like she knew more than she possibly could have.

“I’m not lying,” I defended. “She’s just my friend.”

“Yeah, well, I’m your girlfriend, and I have a serious issue with you taking another girl home for the weekend. I don’t give a shit if you knew her once upon a time. I’ve never even met your aunt and uncle. I’ve never been home with you, and you take
her
home with you. What the
fuck
is up with that?! Is it because she gives good head? Does she fuck you like I can’t? Or is it just convenient that she lives across the hall and can come over at a moment’s notice if you want to get off and I’m not available? Does she let you do all sorts of perverted things that I’ve never wanted to try? I bet she’s up for anything.”

“Stop it,” I growled at her, furious that she would say any of that about Kate. “Don’t you dare talk about her like that. She did nothing to you, so shut your fucking mouth right now. Kate is my friend. She means more to me than you could ever know, and I won’t let you talk about her like that ever again.”

I saw fresh tears fill Alyssa’s eyes, her anger deepening as I defended Kate.

“You’re an asshole!” she screamed, and then before I knew it, her hand had connected with my face, slapping it hard. “You’re a worthless piece of shit, and I hate you, Jack! You’re a fucking liar, and you’re a cheater, and you can go to hell!”

Each of her accusations was paired with a blow to my chest, my arms, my face, until she was pummeling me as fast as the hurtful words were flying out of her mouth in a torrent of emotions and rage, and suddenly I was ten  years old, and it wasn’t my girlfriend who was attacking me, but my father
.
His
eyes were glaring at me, not hers.
His
hands were punishing me, not hers. And before I knew what was happening, I lost it.

I was semi-conscious of where I was and who I was with, but old emotions clouded my judgement, and I grabbed Alyssa as hard as I could by each wrist and shoved her against the wall of my bedroom, my anger boiling over. As soon as her back connected with the wall, she froze. Then she looked up at me, a stunned expression in her eyes as I kept her pinned in place.

“Stop it,” I told her, aware that at some point tears had filled my eyes and were raining down my cheeks. “You don’t get to hit me. You don’t get to hurt me. Just stop it.”

“You’re hurting
me
,” she said hoarsely, all the fight gone from her voice, and as soon as I heard that, I dropped my hands.