Pushing the Limits (30 page)

“Wait, what? Whatever it is, we can work through it together. I promise, Aspen. I’m not scared just because of your past. I want to fight it
with
you. Why won’t you let me?”

She swallows, looking up at the ceiling, fighting the tears from falling down. I see the struggle in her body language, making me desperate to reach out and touch her.

She bows her head and curses before looking at me, her eyes red. “My sister…” she begins, wrapping a hand around her throat and stumbling. “Her name was Ariel Rose.”

I freeze, letting her words sink in. “Wait,
what
?”

“I told you. I’m not who you think I am.” Tears are freely falling down her cheeks now, her voice trembling as she continues. “I’ve been lying, pretending to be someone I’m not. And I can’t do it anymore. I
do
care about you and wanted to spare your feelings.”

I choke out a pathetic laugh, cursing and pacing. “Too fucking late.” I shake my head and walk out the door, ignoring the burning pain in my chest and resisting the urge to run back to her the second I leave.

I speed the whole way home, ignoring every aching desire to turn around and call her on her bullshit.

She’s Ariel Rose?

How can that fucking be?

She’s told me on numerous occasions that her pieces are personal, she doesn’t like sharing them, or—

Of fucking course.

Ariel Rose is her freedom to be whoever she wants without any consequences of people putting a face to a name.

But why didn’t she tell me? I could see her not wanting to tell me right away, but what about once we were
together
? We were together. All the time. Before class, after class, and sometimes in between. Every day we were growing closer and closer, and I thought the feelings were mutual.

Hell, I know they were mutual.

But perhaps her demons were worse than I thought? Or maybe I was just a distraction until she worked through them?

The unanswered questions scream at me, making me question everything I thought I knew about us.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

ASPEN

I haven’t slept in days. And I’m pretty sure all my tears have dried up because I can’t even get one stupid tear to drop. Or maybe I’m just too weak to make anymore.

The way his eyes looked at me is forever burned into my brain. Betrayal, hurt, anger. The moment he left, I sank to my knees and cried. I just hurt the one person who meant more to me than anything. The one person who saw me for me—more than what is on the surface.

He saw through me.

But what hurts even more is how he walked out…

But I deserve it.

Every minute of pain since then, I deserve it.

I’ve skipped his Thursday night class because I just couldn’t bear seeing him. I know it’s the coward’s way out, but what can I do? My heart is completely shattered. Seeing him would only bring me over the edge.

After sulking alone on the couch all Friday night, I grab a bottle of wine from my fridge that I’ve had sitting in there for weeks. I decide I want to read more of Ariel’s entries, but if I’m going to go in self-torture mode, I need some liquid courage. 

Walking out of the kitchen, I hear banging on my front door. It’s Kendall and she looks like a hot mess.

“Here to join the party?” I hold up the bottle of wine in my hand and give her a sympathetic look. 

“Can I please?” 

I extend my arm and motion for her to come in, shutting the door behind us. “Self-pity, party of two.” 

She walks to the kitchen, dragging a chair behind her, and grabs two wine glasses from the top shelf. “Surprised you even had any glasses left.” 

“They were smart and knew to hide up high in the cabinet where I couldn’t reach them.” 

She snorts. “Wine me.” She puts her glass out in front of me and waits for me to pour some. 

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on?” We walk to the living room and sit on opposite ends of the couch.

“No. Are you going to tell me why you’ve been moping around your apartment all week?”

“No.” 

We both sit and drink our wine. After two glasses, I turn the TV on and ask what she wants to watch.

“Anything that isn’t romance related, romantic comedy, or even has a smidge of kissing.” 

She doesn’t have to continue for me to know what’s bothering her. Men.

I click through Netflix and scroll through the thrillers. I finally stop on Silence of the Lambs and when she doesn’t object, I press play.

For the next two hours, I block everything out and stare at the screen, grabbing another bottle of wine in between. We don’t talk. We just sit in silence and drink.

It’s a relief.

“Now that I’ve gotten you drunk and scared to sleep alone, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

She wrinkles her nose and giggles. Oh yeah, she’s a goner. 

“I had sex with someone.” 

“And it was so bad you had to come over here for a wine fest?” I raise a brow.

“No, it was good.” Her eyes soften. “Really, really good.” Her cheeks redden. 

“Then what’s the matter?”

She shrugs, lowering her eyes. “I kept thinking about Kellan the whole time. Comparing and wondering if it was going to be as good, or if I was going to be good for him, and then his name slipped from my lips.” 

My eyes widen in an ‘
oh, shit’
expression. “Did he get mad?”

“No, I don’t think he heard me.” 

“So…?”

“So I shouldn’t be having sex with other men while thinking of my ex. Don’t you think that’s weird?”

“No.” I deadpan.

She chokes out a laugh. “Well, I do. I’m not used to meaningless sex. It was great, but I felt so cheap afterward.” 

“Yeah, you become numb to that after a while.” 

“I don’t want to be numb, though. I want a relationship.” 

“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” 

“How would you know?” she teases, but I don’t smile.

I can’t.

So I opt for the truth.

“Being in a relationship is scary. Opening yourself up to be vulnerable, showing your flaws and insecurities. It’s terrifying,” I admit.

“Yeah.” She closes her eyes and leans back against the couch. “Why can’t this shit just be simple? Man meets woman. Woman falls for man. Man and woman get married and live happily ever after.” 

“Because you grew up believing Cinderella’s fairytale.” 

She sits up and opens her eyes, gulping the last of her wine. “Is that too much to ask? A handsome prince being all sweet and kind to his princess? No cheating, lies, and crushing hearts.” 

“Sounds like a Taylor Swift song.” I snort. 

“Don’t be a love hater.” She scowls.

I laugh into my wine and contemplate telling her the truth. The rational side of me says, ‘No, the wound is still too fresh’ but the drunken side of me says, ‘Tell her!’ Plus, it’d be great to finally get it off my chest and tell someone.

“I’m not,” I say seriously. “In fact, I fell for someone.” 

“WHAT?” She screeches so loud, I’m sure the old guy who lives next to me and always forgets to turn his hearing aid on heard. “How’s that even possible?”

“Even the flawed and damaged are capable of love,” I mock. 

“All right. Now you have to spill. Evvvvverything…” she slurs, grabbing the neck of the wine bottle that’s been empty for over a half hour. “After we get more wine from my place.” She sets it back down, and I laugh.

“Okay, fine. But you have to promise to not get all sappy on me.” I point a finger at her as we walk out the door, wine glasses in hand, and down to her apartment. 

“No promises.” She opens her door and nearly trips over herself in the process. “Especially since I’m starting to see double.” 

I laugh and shut the door behind us. When we enter her apartment, I see Zoe’s sitting on the couch in her rubber duck footie pajamas stuffing her face with popcorn.

“I’m too drunk to even make fun of you right now.” I plop my ass next to her. “Pass the popcorn.” 

She shifts the bowl into my lap and sighs. “There is no reason why three hot girls should be wallowing with wine and popcorn on a Friday night,” she states. “What is wrong with the universe?”

“Rather, what’s wrong with us?” I offer.

“Aspen has a secret.” Kendall giggles, sitting on the loveseat. “But I’m not supposed to tell. So shhh….” She covers a finger over her lips and Zoe laughs. 

“Apparently, you’ve forgotten what the meaning of what a secret is!” I say, shoving another handful of popcorn into my mouth.

“God, did you save any wine for me?” Zoe wrinkles her nose.

“Why do you think we came over here? We needed to stock up.” 

“Okay, grabbing the wine…” Zoe stands up and walks toward the kitchen, calling over her shoulder. “Don’t you dare start without me!” 

“Jesus Christ,” I mutter. “I’m going to need a lot more wine for this.” 

Zoe walks back in, waving a bottle of wine in each hand and an extra glass for her. “Good thing Kendall’s a wine-o. We’re always packing over here.” 

She pours us each a healthy amount and sits down next to me. “All right, so spill. What’s this secret?”

I bring the glass to my lips and down half of it before setting it back down. I choke it back and wipe my mouth. “Okay, ready?” I exhale and they nod in return. “Remember when I mentioned I kissed my professor?” 

“Morgan,” Kendall clarifies with a satisfied grin.

I nod.

“Well, we started secretly dating and sleeping together,” I begin, trying to keep my emotions in check. “And I fell hard for him. Like full out making the walls rattle, can’t get enough, butterflies in my stomach every time I’m around him kind of falling.”

“Holy shit!” Zoe gasps and Kendall’s eyes go wide in shock.

I purse my lips and nod, my cheeks reddening. “Yes.” 

“Oh my God! This is so much better than the Housewives of Orange County.” Zoe grabs the remote and shuts the TV off. She shifts her body and faces me. I flash her a playful scowl and she smirks.

“I’ve let him in closer than I’ve ever let a guy before. It felt foreign, weird, and I was scared. But after finding out the horrible news about my sister and dealing with my mom, he still never left. He just kept reminding me how much he was here for me and it was so much different than I was used to. No one’s ever really been there for me like that before.”

“He sounds like a keeper,” Kendall admires with wide, doe eyes.

“Wait,” Zoe interrupts. “So what’s the matter? Are you scared to let him in all the way?”

“Well, it wasn’t easy at first, but he managed to break down my walls and little by little, I was letting him in. In fact, everything was going perfectly.”

“Then what?” Kendall asks, taking a sip and locking her eyes on me.

I lower my eyes, trying to keep it under control, but it’s a struggle. “Then I broke up with him.”

Kendall spews her wine all over her lap as I blink the tears away that threaten to burn my eyes.

“Jesus, Kendall,” Zoe complains, shifting away from her and laughing.

“Well, what the hell, Aspen? I thought this was a happy story.” She knits her brows, wiping away the wine off her clothes.

I narrow my eyes at her and point to my wine glass. “Would I be drowning myself in bottle after bottle of wine if it were?”

“Well, what the hell happened?”

“Someone caught us,” I finally say. “She said she’d go to the board and get my scholarship and grad school references stripped if I didn’t break it off with him.”

“What a jealous bitch,” Zoe blurts out. “Why didn’t you tell her to fuck a duck or something?”

I snort, shaking my head. “Because I actually need to get my degree and graduate, or I’ll be stuck here, living next to you guys,” I tease.

“Well, besides that.”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe because a part of me really is scared to let him in all the way. Hurting him and breaking it off now was just easier than waiting for the inevitable.”

The truth in my words feels like a knife twisting in my heart.

“So you’re going to let some desperate housewife, who’s clearly not getting laid, dictate your future?” Kendall challenges.

“What choice do I have? He’s raising his niece all by himself. He could get fired and then what?”

“I just don’t think you should run away because of her or because you’re scared what will happen. That doesn’t seem right at all,” Zoe insists, the wine making her a bit too loose.

“It’s not,” I agree. “But it’s a lot to risk. And then what if I risk it for nothing?”

Kendall sets her glass down and sits up.

“Sometimes it’s letting them in that helps you feel whole again. Even if you feel like a mess yourself. Maybe it’s not meant to last, but maybe it is. You’ll never know if all you do is run away.”

“Even knowing how it ends up?” I inquire.

The corner of her lips tilts up slightly. “Yeah. Being in love is one of the greatest feelings in the world. You risk your heart, but it has to be better than going through life without it at all.”

“All’s fair in love and war,” Zoe says.

“Love is a battlefield,” Kendall adds with a giggle.

“Okay, okay, I get it. No more clichés needed.” I laugh into my wine glass, finishing up the last sip.

I think about everything they said while we sit and watch movies. I wish it were just my own insecurities to work through, but knowing that someone knows about us with the potential to destroy us both—I can’t do that to him.

MORGAN

Nothing makes sense.

Not without her anyway.

Seeing her, pretending my heart isn’t shattering every time I look at her, is getting harder and harder.

But I do what I do best in times like these. I distract myself, drowning myself in work, hang out with Natalia and sleep.

Mostly sleep.

I’m trying to understand it all, but I just can’t. I fight back the tears, but after a while, I give up and surrender to them. I don’t care anymore.

As I’m making dinner for Nat and me—as she’s glued to the TV watching some game show—the doorbell rings. And then it rings again. Nat barely even flinches.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it,” I over-exaggerate. But the moment I open the door, I wish I hadn’t.

“Fuck…” The word comes out before I can stop myself.

“Guess I deserve that.” Jennifer stands across from me, pursing her lips in a
please don’t slam the door on me
look. I won’t lie, it sounds tempting as much as the sight of her makes my blood boil, but trying to be the better man, I don’t.

I shake my head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”

“It’s all right.”

We stand there, silent and awkward.