Quantum (15 page)

Worse, he could now say with absolute certainty that the Zander he’d had onboard a few weeks ago had definitely been his old buddy.

In the short time since Zander had walked off his ramp, the Reidar had taken him out and had him replaced. Cold fury blustered harder, like icicles riding an artic blizzard, shredding his insides. He should have done more, acted quicker, when he’d seen Zander’s name on that list. Maybe he could have prevented this.

He unclenched his cramped fingers from the armrests of the chairs and reached out to wrap an unsteady hand around the cool coffee. He knocked back what was left in one long gulp, the brandy not burning enough to counteract the ice crystallizing inside him.
Time to open that bottle of Violaine.

“Plot a new course.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, the beads on his wrists clinking with their usual soft music.
Need to add two more now.
“Find out where the
Swift Brion
is, and even where she’s heading if you can. We’re going to take Graydon up on that invitation and surprise him with a visit.”

And with any luck, blow the goddamn frecking bastard’s head off.

“Yes, Captain.” Lianna wasted no time bringing nav data up onscreen. “Can I just ask, though, do you think—”

“That the Zander Graydon at the helm of the
Swift Brion
is a frecking alien piece of shite? Yes, I do.”

Rian shoved out of the chair and made his way to his office, where the display screen still ran lines of information, but with Tannin nowhere in sight. He snatched out the twinkling bottle of violet liquor and stalked through the ship, relieved he didn’t pass anyone along the way. If they saw him with the bottle, they’d give him
that look
.

He didn’t know what the frecking hell he’d ever done to deserve that particular expression from his crew whenever they saw him with his drink of choice. Wasn’t like he’d ever come on duty drunk, or gotten shite faced and embarrassed himself. Wasn’t like he hadn’t saved all of their lives several times over.

Wasn’t like you didn’t put them all in constant danger, either.

Well, christ. They knew the risks—it was their choice to be here in hell with him. Just like Mae had known the risks…but Zander. A bitter, acid ache twisted through his guts like a blunt knife, and he screwed off the top of the Violaine and took a quick mouthful as he walked down the rampway from the cargo hold out into the midafternoon sunshine. Fat white clouds drifted lazily through the bright blue sky, one casting a dark shadow over the
Imojenna
while a tepid breeze ruffled his hair.

Rian strode to the back of the spaceport and vaulted over the poor excuse for a fence then headed for a large tree in an otherwise empty field of low green grass. He’d never been down with the becoming-one-with-nature crap and most of the time preferred to stay on the ship. But sometimes getting out into the sun and wind, sitting on the grass and smelling the frecking roses, reminded him that, yeah, he was still alive, though by all rights he should have been dead a long time ago.

And maybe he was alive for a reason.

So while he was still breathing, he’d devote what time he had to trying to get payback for the things the Reidar had made him do, even though there was no salvation for him. Not since the Reidar stripped him bare and remade him in that godforsaken lab.

Chapter Fourteen

Tocarra

Mae settled back, casting a glance at a couple of passing passengers. She’d booked a private booth with a lockable door for Zander and her. For now, she’d left the hatchway open and had taken the seat that put her closest to the access.

The booth also had narrow, pullout bunks, handy for an overnight trip, though she didn’t plan on doing much sleeping. She was almost certain they’d gotten away undetected, but until they put distance between themselves and this damned planet, she wouldn’t be able to relax.

A static announcement declared the shuttle’s imminent takeoff.

“Hell, I’ve never been nervous about a single flight in my life, but after the way our last shuttle flight ended…” Zander’s shoulder brushed hers as he shifted, belting himself into the seat.

“Two shuttle crashes in one week? We can’t possibly be so lucky.” Chances of it happening were minute, but she still found herself reaching back and clipping the safety straps across her chest.

Zander sent her an exasperated frown. “I’m sure we could be. I won’t believe we’re home free until we’ve left this planet’s atmosphere. If I ever have to come back to Tocarra, it’ll be too soon.”

“I’d love to put it all behind me. But I doubt it’ll be that easy. Some of it was unforgettable.” She glanced at him, realizing too late how the words could be misconstrued, and heat flushed up through her chest.
Idiot.
Why did she have to say something like that when they were at last moving into a semicomfortable working relationship? She’d meant the brushes with death would haunt her, but as Zander clenched his jaw over an unreadable look, and a slow wave of heat unfurled within her, she admitted that night in the hot springs and cave would stay with her longer than the lingering terror of nearly being killed.

Zander touched her ponytail, running his hand down the length of it, and she tried to repress a shiver, wishing she had even half an idea of what was going on in that mind of his. Though he hadn’t been outright hostile since before the cave, he didn’t have full confidence in her honesty. And, of course, he was right.

Things had happened fast since they’d fled the hotel. She hadn’t given a second thought to burning her UAFA credentials to get them both offworld. Sure, she couldn’t return to the agency, knowing who her bosses really were. But she could have left without drawing attention to herself, simply turned in her badge and disappeared. Instead she’d put herself in their crosshairs. UAFA was nothing if not pedantic and fanatical about its rules and regulation. An agent who went off the books was taken care of hard and fast, disappeared in an imaginative variety of ways. And she had firsthand experience, having been tasked with tracking down rogue agents herself.

If she’d been on her own, she would have found some other way to slip offworld undetected. But the need to protect Zander had flashed hot and undeniable in her chest like a distress flare. Especially on the heels of that assassin they’d faced down.

Now she wanted to get him to Rian for completely different reasons. Knowing Zander wasn’t Reidar, and that the aliens wanted him dead, Rian and the
Imojenna
were the only safe place in the universe for him. And while unsettling emotion bubbled under the surface of her motivations, she didn’t have the luxury to think about what that meant right now.

This isn’t just about your job anymore, and you know it.

When he’d said those words to her, her heart had exploded into a frenzied gallop. Maybe he hadn’t meant them how she’d taken them, but there was no denying things between them had become an intimate, complicated mess.

The shuttle vibrated, and she looked through the viewport as the transport moved away from the docking berth and gradually rose above other ships and nearby shuttles. A moment later, they cleared the spaceport.

A muted
boom
echoed, and the shuttle lurched.

Mae latched her hands down, the fingers of her left hand curling into Zander’s thigh, while the breath in her lungs stalled to a painful halt.

“Oh, hell no,” Zander muttered, leaning over to look out the viewport.

But nothing else happened. The shuttle evened out and swung around into a steep trajectory. Through the window, a curling black column of smoke rose toward the sky, and Mae stretched across Zander for a better look.

“
Oh my god.
” Her breath returned in a stutter.

Where the Tocarra Intergalactic Hotel had stood, a burning tower of rubble dominated the block, while nearby buildings and part of the spaceport had taken some secondary damage. What had once been an orderly streetscape was a scene of utter carnage.

“The hotel…they blew up the frecking
hotel
.” Zander dropped his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. “All those people…”

Mae turned away from the viewport to stare blindly at the empty seats across from her, stomach tightening into a nauseating knot.

Should she really be surprised at the lengths the Reidar would go to? After that comm-link to the
Swift Brion
, she wouldn’t play dumb—Zander had been the target. Still, this was a scale of evil she couldn’t comprehend. How many hundreds of people had died just now? And how many more would get caught in the cross fire before this was all over?

She gulped over the churning sickness in her stomach as the shuttle hit orbit, and she unclipped her harness with stiff fingers. She’d agreed to help Rian discover the truth about Zander, but she’d never imagined the cost of that promise would be so high.

Zander took her hand in a tight grasp, and she turned to look at him, but he still had his eyes closed, his expression pained. Despite everything standing between them, she laced her fingers with his. She needed the feel of his skin against hers, even if it was only their palms pressed together. Because for all the other insanity her life had become, what she felt when he touched her was simple.

With a long sigh, she lowered her head to rest on his shoulder, and he let go of her hand to curl his arm around her. The tightness in the back of her throat turned into a lump, and she swallowed as her eyes started stinging.

Though she’d warned herself to detach from Zander once they left the cave, her resolve evaporated into nothingness. She couldn’t help turning into his embrace and wrapping her arms around him.

She’d always been alone, relying on herself for as long as she could remember. Her parents had been factory workers, and while she’d never gone hungry, as an only child, she’d spent a lot of time alone since they’d worked long hours. She’d left to join the IPC foundational military college when she’d been sixteen and her parents weren’t able to afford to send her to school any longer. A few years later, the Assimilation Wars had reached their planet, and her parents both died without her ever returning to see them.

Yeah, she’d become close friends with a handful of people over the years, but she’d always managed to keep her self-reliant walls up…until Zander. Turning to him now, when it seemed like things were getting too much, felt natural in a way she’d never before experienced.

“We are not responsible for that.” Zander’s low voice rumbled through his chest against her cheek, sounding as though he was trying to convince himself as much as her.

Logically, his words were true, but the bitter taste of guilt and regret at the back of her tongue told a different story.

His arm tightened around her while his other hand cupped her cheek. But she didn’t want to raise her head to hear whatever hollowly encouraging, soldier-like words he had to say, designed to keep her marching. Though no tears had escaped, her lashes were damp, and if she could just keep her face pressed to his chest for another second, she could put her lieutenant marshal mask back in place. And then they could get on with adding this moment of weakness to the already long list of deeds they pretended hadn’t happened.

Except Zander gently but surely urged her head up, and she closed her eyes, because no doubt they were red rimmed. The last thing a captain admiral needed was his personal assistant going to pieces in times of crisis. She’d kept her head this far. Why should the deaths of who knew how many faceless people in the hotel punch a hole in her chest and make it so hard to breathe?

Because they were innocent.

They hadn’t been military, they weren’t trained in warfare, and they certainly hadn’t signed up to risk their lives, unlike those on the
Swift Brion
shuttle. No doubt some of the dead would have been families and children…
Oh god.

She started to suck in a long breath, but her air got cut off when Zander’s mouth came hard up against hers. For a suspended moment, she froze under the onslaught. She really had been adamant there would be no more intimate contact between them, making things messier and more convoluted. Her mind couldn’t process the reality of Zander kissing her right now.

Then her instincts took over. Her thoughts vanished into nothingness, swept away by a tide of feeling so powerful she had no way to resist.

With a single movement, she hooked her leg over Zander’s thighs and slid into his lap, her hands spearing into his short hair as she returned the kiss with no deftness whatsoever, because she couldn’t control the emotion expanding in her chest like volatile vapors, at risk of exploding any moment.

The kiss between them held an edge of desperation. Zander’s mouth moved over hers with unrepentant force, as though he couldn’t kiss her deep enough, and his arms wrapped around her like a vise, as though he couldn’t pull her close enough. Her frayed emotions echoed his sentiments. She wanted all of him
now
, wanted to feel the hard, muscled, warm strength of his naked body against her until she forgot every bad thing that had happened today.

Zander’s hand slipped up under her shirt, his fingers hot against her already fevered skin, his touch the spark to the accelerant. A moan rose up within her as his palm closed over her breast, and without breaking the reckless kiss, she plucked at the fastenings down the front of his shirt. Smooth skin over hard muscle met her fingertips, sending a sharp tingle through her body.

Complications and promises be damned, she needed Zander more than air.

His mouth tore away from hers and landed against her throat, even as he tugged at the cup of her bra and pinched her nipple between his fingers.

“We can’t do this.” His words were harsh and ragged against her skin.

“I know,” she returned just as unsteadily. “I told myself I wouldn’t feel anything for you any longer. I don’t want to hurt you.”

He leaned back from her and she caught his gorgeous, toffee-colored gaze at close proximity.

“No, I don’t mean because of that, even though you’re right. I mean we can’t do this
now
. The door might lock, but we’re far from safe. We can’t afford to let our guard down. And if I get you naked…” His gaze swept down her body and back up, as though she were already bared for his pleasure. “Some bastard could probably walk right up and shove a knife in my back, because my guard definitely won’t be up. When I’m with you like that, nothing else exists.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, when a good pouting would have gone a long way…if she were the type to do something as unproductive as pouting.

“Funny. Usually I’m the voice of reason in this relationship.” She gulped over the
R
word after it slipped out, even as Zander’s expression darkened.

Whatever this was, it sure as hell wasn’t a relationship, and never would be. And if she kept letting her damned heart run away with her mouth and her brain, she was going to find herself in serious trouble.

…

Zander stared at the unending star-dotted blackness beyond the small viewport of their private booth. Exhaustion had claimed his body after the past three—no, four—days of disturbed or little sleep. Yet in the depths of his chest and the inside of his limbs, an agitated disquiet burned through his very cells.

Really, a guy could only be almost killed so many times in a few short days before sitting still began to feel impossible. If he could have gotten up and paced, he would have. But the booth was too small, and venturing out into the passageway didn’t seem like a smart idea. It wasn’t like the paranoia was winning out, but he carefully took note of every person who passed by the open doorway.

Opposite him on one of the pull-down bunks, Mae slept on her side, facing him. She hadn’t moved a muscle in over three hours, and he’d promised to wake her after four hours so he could take a turn getting some shut-eye.

But he couldn’t be bothered moving, let alone getting up and walking the three short steps to wake her. If she’d been as tired as him, he couldn’t imagine simply calling her name would do the trick.

Maybe he wouldn’t wake her at the four-hour mark, even though he’d cop hell from her about it later.

Realizing that he’d be dead if not for her had knocked loose a piece of his psyche, and while she was asleep, he’d been coming to grips with it all.

He’d never had a whole lot of ambition, despite being one of the youngest captain admirals in the IPC military. He’d always just been the grunt at heart, but dedicated to his duty, one of the guys on the ground in the trenches. It just so happened his best was better than most men’s, and he’d almost effortlessly moved up the ranks at a rapid pace. He had no family to speak of and had never been interested in the whole settling-down-to-marriage-and-kids scene. With nothing but his military career to focus on, he’d put his whole life into his job and never once considered any other way of living.

Except some frecking alien wearing his face had taken over his life, and he questioned what he was left with. Which was a whole lot of nothing.

He’d faced his own mortality plenty of times during the war, and from that he’d developed a fatalistic view. Never once had he ever thought about what he’d be leaving behind when he finally did kick it.

Hell, getting old must be making him maudlin. Because, okay, he’d be leaving behind a prestigious military career. But who would really care about that beyond the eulogy at his funeral? Sure, heaps of people would turn up to pay their last respects, but none of them would be heartbroken over a universe without him in it any longer.