Queen of This Realm (21 page)

When Edward had died and there had been merely Mary, my hopes had risen, for Mary had been aging then and had no husband. As the time passed my hopes grew to a dedication. Every observation I made taught me something. I followed events as far as I could. I weighed up what had happened and considered what might have happened. I loved my country passionately. I loved the people as neither Edward nor Mary ever had. I was fitted to rule as neither of them had been.

And now Mary was married; she loved her bridegroom and she was not too old to bear a child, and that child would stand between me and the throne.

Meanwhile I remained a prisoner. If they could prove something against
me I should be led to the block as my mother had been, as Katharine Howard and poor innocent Jane Grey had been.

But so far they could prove nothing against me, and I was determined that they should never have a chance of doing that, so the impulse came to me to write down my determination somewhere where it could be read by people for years to come. I took the diamond ring from my finger and scratched on the windowpane:

“Much suspected—of me.
Nothing proved can be
Quoth Elizabeth, prisoner.”

I WAS SUMMONED
to Court for the Christmas festivities. Did this mean that I was no longer a prisoner? My excitement was intense. It might well be that my sister in her happy condition—for she said she was pregnant—no longer considered me a threat. I was sure her bridegroom was an astute man and he would quickly sense his lack of popularity in England. Perhaps he wished to please the people by recalling me. There must have been a reason—perhaps many. But the fact remained I was summoned to Hampton Court.

When one is a prisoner and life, though fraught with danger, is tedious, any little diversion is welcome even if it holds an element of even greater danger, which a trip to Court must surely hold for me.

So with growing excitement I prepared to leave for Hampton Court in the company of Sir Henry Bedingfeld. We spent the first night at Ricote where I renewed my pleasant friendship with Lord Williams and was so right royally treated that I felt I had left my prison behind me already. After two more days of travel we came to Hampton, and as my guards stayed with me I supposed that my status had not changed as I had hoped.

I had not been an hour in the apartments allotted to me when I had a call from the Council headed by Gardiner. Before they could speak I cried out that I was glad to see them and I hoped they would plead with the Queen and King to release me from my imprisonment.

“My advice to you,” said Gardiner, “is to confess your faults and throw yourself on the Queen's mercy.”

“As I have never offended against the Queen,” I retorted, “either in thought, word or deed, rather than confess to a fault I have not committed I would lie in prison all my life.”

“The Queen marvels at your boldness,” said Gardiner. “Your refusal to confess suggests that Her Majesty has wrongfully imprisoned you. You must do other than plead your innocence if you are to be set at liberty.”

“Then I will stay in prison with honesty,” I cried. “I stand by everything I have said, and may God forgive you for what you have done to me.”

I saw no use in trying to placate this man. Whatever I did or said he would be my enemy. I was not so much a person to him as an obstacle to his ambitions.

They left me. I knew that I had not behaved as they expected me to. They judged me wrongly. Having endured so much I was not prepared to barter my hopes of the crown—forlorn though they might seem now—for a brief concession. I was playing for high stakes, and if my death was the result, that was more acceptable to me than ignoble capitulation.

For a week I was left alone and I wondered what the motive could have been to take me from my prison in Woodstock merely to put me in another at Hampton Court.

But at last the summons came. The Queen wished to see me.

I faced her with some trepidation as I fell to my knees and she gave me her hand to kiss. She looked at me steadily and said: “I hear that you will confess to no fault.”

“It is hard to confess to what is not, Your Majesty.”

“You swear that you speak the truth?”

“I swear,” I said.

“I pray God this may become manifest.”

“If aught can be proved against me,” I said stoutly, “I shall be prepared to accept with meekness any punishment Your Majesty may think fit to bestow upon me.”

“So you say you have been wrongfully treated?”

“To say so is not possible in your presence.”

“Because it would imply my injustice, you mean? So you do not tell me I am unjust, but I doubt not you report so to others.”

“Your Majesty, I have never said that you were unjust,” I replied coolly. “I have borne and must bear Your Majesty's displeasure, but I swear I have never been aught else than Your Majesty's loyal and true subject.”

She looked at me somberly and murmured as though to herself: “God knoweth.”

I suspected that she was inclined to believe me and that she was not happy with this rift between us. I had always been vaguely sorry for Mary. I had sensed in her that desire for affection. She had had it from her mother— the only person it turned out to be from whom she ever did have it; and she had seen that mother suffer humiliation, repudiation and imprisonment at our father's hand. No wonder she was warped, no wonder she was starved for affection. I had heard that she lavished it on Philip. And, dear God, I thought, she is with child by him!

She made me sit beside her and my spirits were lifted a little because I felt she was showing friendship toward me. She would while we were together thus but when in conclave with her advisers, my archenemies Gardiner and Renaud, she would allow the suspicions to creep back.

There was a certain unwieldiness about her body. So the child was already making its presence known.

While we were talking together I was aware of a certain movement at the curtains. I fancied that when I turned my head sharply someone had moved back. Could it be that we had a witness to this scene, someone listening to every word that was uttered, noting them to discuss afterward with the Queen? I must be doubly careful.

During that interview, which was growing more and more cordial, I kept an alert eye on the curtains behind which was the retiring chamber. Someone was there who could not resist taking a peep through the curtains. I could not believe it! I had caught a glimpse of black velvet. Philip! Who else could be in the retiring room? So Philip of Spain was eager for a few covert glances at his sister-in-law while he listened to what she said to his Queen.

ALTHOUGH I WAS
still guarded I was not treated like a prisoner and as the Christmas festivities began I took my place at Court and was usually seated in a place of honor at the table. I had now been presented to Philip who showed excessive courtesy toward me. It was true that he was far from prepossessing; he had those sandy lashes like my own but mine were thick and my hair was abundant and shining while his was scanty. Moreover my skin was white while his complexion was mud color. He had a very high forehead which coupled with an alert expression gave him a look of cleverness and I was sure he was an extremely brilliant man. Anything he lacked in appearance he made up for in dignity and exquisite manners.

I caught his eyes on me calculatingly and I remembered that he had spied on me when I was with my sister. Meeting him exhilarated me, as clever people always did, and when I realized I had to be very wary of him, I was doubly stimulated.

It was wonderful to be back at Court and arouse the interest of important people. There were feasting and tournaments for we were not only celebrating the season but the wedding as well. I had been provided with some beautiful clothes and it was very pleasant to appear as a princess again instead of a prisoner.

I wished I could see Kat and I wondered what was happening to her. I did hear that Robert Dudley had been released from the Tower and I wondered whether I should see him at Court. But that could hardly be expected;
he might be free from imprisonment but he would hardly be received with honor since his father had succeeded in putting Jane Grey on the throne even if it was only for nine days. Robert Dudley, it seemed, was now in the army or in Norfolk, where some years before, he had been married. If he had not been,
he
would have been chosen as the husband for Jane Grey. When Northumberland saw the opportunity of putting Jane on the throne, Guildford had been the only remaining unmarried son at that time.

I was recovering from my melancholy and when I was dressed in my magnificent gown of white satin decorated with myriads of tiny pearls, I could not believe that I had ever been reconciled to death. This sojourn at Hampton Court had made me realize how much I loved life, how I loved my country and the English people, and that I would never give up hope, however distant, of ruling them one day.

In spite of all this euphoria I did not lose sight of the fact that I was in danger. The Queen looked very sickly. Could she reach a successful confinement? I asked myself, and I knew that others were asking it. Chief of them perhaps Philip himself. Why did he look at me with such speculation? Surely he did not think that if Mary died he could marry me… Elizabeth, the heretic! How could he? But heretics are acceptable when a throne goes with them, and I was sure Philip would have no doubts as to his ability to rule a woman as well as a country.

Not this one, my lord! I thought. But I liked him to regard me in that light for he must be comparing my physical aspect with that of Mary. She was getting so old; she was really pathetic; she followed him with her eyes; she loved him completely. It was folly to allow one's feelings to become involved and even greater folly to show them.

Yes, he was comparing my youth with her age, my liveliness with her languor, my challenge with her cloying devotion. I had made it my business to study people and I knew a great deal about Philip of Spain.

There were moments when he cast off his dignity. He might appear to be cold and restrained but I believed there were times when he could be less so. Ever a collector of what the people were saying, I discovered that he was not averse to a little dalliance. Some of the women were giggling about the repulse he had received from Magdalen Dacre, one of Mary's ladies of honor, when Philip had peeped through her window while she was dressing and tried to open the window and get to her. The window could only be opened a little way and she, seeing his arm protruding into her chamber, gave it a sharp rap which made him withdraw it hastily, showing him clearly that she had no intention of engaging in frivolous behavior with anyone, even the Prince of Spain.

Magdalen Dacre was certainly an exceptionally beautiful girl. Philip
must have noticed her and perhaps he hoped to seduce her which he probably thought would be easy, he being who he was. One thing I did like about him was that after the rap and his humiliation, he did not attempt to take revenge and always treated her with extra special courtesy as though while desiring her he could yet respect her virtue.

Mary had hardly been seductive before her body had swollen, and it is not the custom of princes to deny themselves. It was reported—but it may well have been malicious gossip—that he liked to visit some of the more questionable haunts of London and that he had a fancy for little girls of the lower classes.

There was a rhyme about him which people sang constantly. It went something like this:

“The baker's daughter in her russet gown
Better than Queen Mary without her crown.”

At the tournaments I was seated beside my sister and Philip was on the other side of her. I noticed how his eyes were often on me, assessing my physical attractions, I guessed; he already knew my political views. Mary did not notice. I supposed she had not heard the rhyme about the baker's daughter, and I was sure Magdalen Dacre would not mention the Prince's pursuit of her. Mary was innocent of guile. Perhaps that was why she could not please the people.

I guessed that the Spanish Ambassador was of less importance now than he had been. His main mission was accomplished with the marriage, but of course he would still be making sure that events went as Charles the Fifth and Philip ordered that they should. Then there was the French Ambassador, de Noailles, who must not be forgotten. His mission was to bring the English crown to Mary Queen of Scots. He was more my enemy now than Renaud.

Wherever I looked there was intrigue but I thrived on it. After the tedium of prison this was a stimulating life.

As the winter passed, the Queen grew larger and we all awaited her confinement with great expectancy. If it were a healthy boy or girl, that was the end of my hopes. It was the health of the child, not the sex, which would be decisive this time. A living child would mean that England was doomed to return to Rome with all the intolerance and persecution which were pursued in those countries under the domination of the dreaded Inquisition.

I felt I was justified in hoping that the child would not live, though naturally I never said a word of this to anyone.

Mary's skin seemed yellow in daylight; her body was becoming more and more clumsy. One of my ladies whispered to me: “There is a rumor that what the Queen is carrying is not a child.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“That her swollen body has another cause.”

“This must be nonsense.”

“I can only tell you what is being said, Your Grace.”

HOW SAD THOSE DAYS
were for my poor sister! Much as they heralded good news for me I could not but be sorry for her. She had so set her heart on a child. She was so certain that she was pregnant; there had been all the signs. What a terrible blow! What almost unbearable humiliation! It was no child she carried. She was suffering from some hideous form of dropsy.

I think she nearly died of sorrow. She had so longed for that child and she had been so proud to be able to produce it. She needed a child so much and now all her hopes had gone.