Queen of This Realm (22 page)

She was desperately ill for a long time. People were very careful how they treated me and I enjoyed the deference. I think they were daily expecting news of her death. When I woke up in the morning my first thought was: Will it be today?

Philip was genial with me. I was sure he was a little in love with me, and I was always gratified when men fell in love with me, particularly those who could not ask me to marry them. I still regarded marriage as a state which must be avoided, for when I became Queen I wanted to be Queen in my own right with no one at my side. But it was pleasant to think that Philip admired me. Of course it was a different feeling from that which he had for the bakers' daughters—but there was a part of that too. Philip was not the cold, sexless man he might have been believed to be because of his black velvet, rather somber clothes and the exaggerated ceremony of his manner.

Philibert of Savoy had appeared at Court during the Christmas festivities and another attempt had been made to bring about a match between us. The Queen had been eager for it; she still wanted me safely out of the way; but Philip had not insisted that I marry Philibert, which he might so easily have done, and the reason was, I guessed, that he was looking ahead. If Mary died he would secure the crown of England for Spain by marrying me… heretic or not. I'll swear he thought he could soon subdue me on that point. No, no, Master Philip, I thought. Admire me, make your plans, imagine yourself my doting husband, if you will, but it is not to be, for I want no husband. When I am the Queen of England I shall be the Queen … absolute Queen with no husband beside me attempting to usurp my power.

After that illness, Mary had changed. She had given up hope of bearing a child, so Philip had discovered that he had duties in Spain and when he left Mary was heartbroken.

I think I owed something to Philip of Spain. I have said his attitude to me had been one of friendship, even something warmer, but at the same time he would have been ready to agree to my elimination if I had threatened his political schemes. However, instead of setting him against me, the fact that Mary was not going to bear a child had made him eager to preserve my life. I was sure he thought of marrying me. Mary Queen of Scots presented a problem. She had already staked her claim to the English throne. I suppose Philip thought it was better to have a heretic Queen for England— whom he might marry and convert—than that the French should become too powerful in England through Mary of Scotland.

So I had not only moved nearer to the throne but stepped out of imminent danger. Of course men like Gardiner and certainly the French Ambassador would seek to destroy me, but the Spanish Ambassador would not wish me to die if my continuing to live was important to Philip of Spain. So my danger was slightly less than it had been, since my powerful and influential enemies had decreased.

I was told that I might retire to Hatfield. I should not be entirely a prisoner but my movements would be under surveillance. Sir Henry Bedingfeld was to be relieved of his duties and Sir Thomas Pope was to be put in charge of my household. He would watch over me and prevent my entering into conspiracies with undesirable people. I had already met Sir Thomas Pope and found him a charming and honorable gentleman, and although I had become somewhat reconciled to Sir Henry I was not displeased at the change. When I arrived at Hatfield great joy awaited me for I found Kat Ashley there. “Come to serve Your Grace,” she cried, and we flew into each other's arms.

IT WAS NOT
only Kat who was awaiting me at Hatfield. Her husband was with her, Parry too; and to my great joy, my dear and respected tutor Roger Ascham also. Even if I were not entirely free, I could not be unhappy surrounded by such people.

Moreover Sir Thomas Pope was a very different person from Sir Henry Bedingfeld. He was a merry man as well as a kindly one and in order to show me how pleasant life was going to be at Hatfield he decided to give an entertainment in the great hall to amuse me. It was to be a masque and a pageant such as my father had loved. Even the minstrels wore disguises and every lady and gentleman was warned that they must make themselves so different from their usual selves that even their most intimate friends would find
it difficult to recognize them. There was dancing and at the banquet we all unmasked and showed ourselves and there was much laughter and exclamations of amazement to the delight of all.

I could see that life was going to be very different here from what I had endured at Woodstock.

Unfortunately news of those particular revels reached the Queen and no doubt Gardiner or someone like that pointed out to her the danger that could arise from such entertainments. If people came in disguises why should not spies make their way into the company? Sir Thomas told me regretfully that he had had orders from the Queen that such revelries must cease.

I was still suspect and not to be trusted.

“There are other ways of amusing ourselves,” he said. “However, disguises are forbidden.”

It did not matter. I had my friends about me. It would be a great pleasure to talk in various languages with someone as interesting and erudite as Roger Ascham.

At this time there broke out in the country the very worst wave of persecution that was ever known and which I believe will never be forgotten as long as men live. With her marriage to Philip of Spain, Mary had in fact passed over the government of her realm to him; she had brought the country back to Rome, and although the Inquisition had not yet been set up in the country, its rules were being introduced.

I was glad to be shut away in the country. I was filled with shame for my sister. Her folly was beyond my understanding and she earned the hatred of many of her subjects and that adjective which was to be used often when her name was mentioned: Bloody Mary.

So this was what religious fanaticism did to a woman who was by nature humane. I swore I would have no part in it. Perhaps the Spaniards had endured it and would go on doing so. I did not think the English would.

I was sickened as were so many. How could she allow this to be done in her name?

There were two men who urged her to this cruel folly. Gardiner was naturally one and Edward Bonner, Bishop of London, was the other. I despised them both and I could not believe it when I first heard it. I discussed it with Kat in a highly emotional way and with Roger Ascham more calmly, but with none the less revulsion.

To burn men and women at the stake for their religious opinions was not only hideously cruel, it was quite stupid. How could she say: I worship in this way and therefore it is right, and because you do not agree you will be burned to death! I had heard their miserable arguments: The victims were
destined to hell fire, so what did it matter if they began their life of torment a few years earlier? How I loathed those persecutors! How I despised them! Not only for their cruelty but for their folly. It was an affront to all reason.

So passed that dreadful year when the fires of Smithfield sobered all London and palls of smoke and the smell of burning flesh hung in the air even in the smallest towns. It was as though my father had never broken with Rome. But it was not quite as it had been. He had been ruthless, true; he had condemned men to death, but it was because they stood in the way of his personal wishes. That was wrong, of course; but this death and torture for a divergence of
belief
was something I could not understand.

There were few of us who did not go in fear of our lives. I myself dreamed of standing in a square while they bound my body to a stake. I had been alarmed at the thought of the axe. But that was merciful compared with the terrible slow death by fire.

Yet many were suffering it.

We went to Mass. I did, yes. I admit it. I accepted the Catholic Faith. At least I forced out the words they wished me to say, but I could never believe that the differences between one sect and another were of any importance. Was I a hypocrite? I do not know. If I was, I was a
sensible
hypocrite. I was certain now that I was going to rule my people and when I did I would put an end to this senseless persecution. I could be of greater use to my people alive than dead and when the time came they would surely forgive me for a few words mumbled in a chapel.

Mary was a sick woman. Her husband had left her and was very happy to do so. He had made a marriage and brought the countries together; they had brought England back to Rome and were now merrily burning her people who refused to accept the faith they would impose on them. Spain had done its work. Our country was as unhappy as theirs. And Mary was aging, ill, and still yearning to bear the child which she never could.

And beside her, those archvillains, tools of Spain and Rome—Gardiner and Bonner—catching their prey, questioning, torturing and condemning to the flames.

Great men died at the stake, men such as Nicholas Ridley who had been a Bishop of London, Hugh Latimer, Bishop of Winchester, and John Hooper, Bishop of Gloucester and Worcester. These men died with great bravery; they were the martyrs. The people watched them sullenly. How long can this last? I wondered.

There was much talk of the manner in which these men had died. Hugh Latimer's last words were repeated over and over again. He had been tied to a stake next to that to which Ridley was bound and he cried out in ringing tones: “Be of good comfort, Master Ridley, we shall this day light such a
candle by God's grace in England, as I trust shall never be put out.” Fine words from a man about to suffer a cruel death. They were truly martyrs.

Not long after the death of these two it was the turn of Thomas Cranmer to burn at the stake. He had recanted earlier to save himself. I did not blame him for that. In my opinion it was the sensible thing to do; but he had repented the act in the end and as the flames were lighted he held out his right hand. “This hand has written lies,” he cried. “It has written them to save my life and therefore it should be the first part of my body to burn.”

And later they heard him cry out: “This hand has offended!” and those watching saw him hold it in the flames unflinchingly.

“They will never be forgotten,” I said to Kat. “My sister is mad. For a while some may accept this, but the people will hate her for it. Does she know nothing of the English?”

“The people wait patiently for you, my lady,” said Kat earnestly. “They wait now…as they never did before.”

And when I looked into her face I knew that she spoke the truth.

IT WAS NOT
surprising that there should be discontent. The time was ripe to rid the country of the Queen and her cruel persecutions. I dreaded these rebellions. My name was always associated with them because if Mary were deposed, I was next in the line to the succession. I wished people would understand that there was no need for rebellion. Mary was more ill each day and all her actions were those of a woman sick in mind and body; her false pregnancies—she had had another of those—her fanatical religious mania and her persecution of what she called heretics, all were more than devotion to her faith; her obsession had turned to madness and showed clearly that she was nearing her end. I knew it. We should be patient and wait. It was much safer to let death carry her off than to raise a rebellion when there would surely always be some to take her side. They would never understand that the waiting game was the safe one.

The first of the plots was devised by Sir Henry Dudley, some remote connection of Robert Dudley, who was not himself, I was relieved to learn, involved in the plan of his reckless kinsman. The plot, however, appeared to have the backing of the King of France who was greatly disturbed by the alliance between his two enemies, England and Spain. Like all such conspirators they used my name as a basis on which to build their schemes, at the heart of which was to depose Mary and set me on the throne.

De Noailles had become very friendly with me since the Spanish marriage and took great pains to let me know that he would do anything to help me. His was a very dangerous friendship, I knew—and of course there was no true friendship in it; it was expediency. Two of the officers of my household
named Peckham and Werne were involved in the plot and this disturbed me because it immediately increased the suspicions which would come my way whenever these plots were revealed.

The two men were arrested and what was so disconcerting was that Kat Ashley was taken off for questioning again with a very innocent young Italian, Baptiste Castiglione, who had been engaged to help me perfect my conversation in his language. Some of my ladies, too, were taken for questioning, and when I heard that they were in the Tower and that Kat was in the Fleet Prison I felt that it was going to start again—the terrible anxiety, the fear of what would happen from one day to the next, while my enemies closed in on me. I pictured Kat—dear indiscreet Kat—being forced to make all sorts of statements which would be damning against me, and I became very ill, as I had been during the trials in the past years. The strain was too much. My skin grew yellow with jaundice and I could not stand without feeling dizzy. There was nothing to be done but to take to my bed, and this in itself could be construed as some sort of guilt.

There was one matter for rejoicing. Gardiner had died—not violently as would have been fitting for a man who had caused so much misery, but of dropsy, quietly in his bed.

There was one enemy the less; but I doubted not that many more would spring up to take his place.

I kept to my bed while Kat's apartments were searched. Nothing concerned with the plot was found in her rooms but certain pamphlets which were called seditious—which meant Protestant—were found there and I was in a state of nervous prostration, seeing Kat brought to the stake and hearing her piteous cries as the fire touched her limbs.

I thought: I can bear no more of this. Nothing is worth it. I cannot subject my friends to perpetual terror.

There was another development. A young man appeared at a place called Yaxley and declared he was Edward Courtenay and my husband. It was such utter nonsense that I was not afraid of this one. The young man was a tall golden-haired giant with the Plantagenet looks. This was easily explained because my great-grandfather had been a man who had had countless mistresses of all sorts and conditions in every corner of the country, so there were a great many people who bore a resemblance to him.