Radioactive (7 page)

I do not ask what he means. Betraying whom? Betrayal of the Legion? Betraying the rebels? Or even betraying myself? That is the question I ask myself almost daily. I cannot betray others as long as I stay true to myself and am honest towards others. I do not make empty promises and I speak no lies.

“Is it treason to fight for what you believe?”

“And what do you think, A518?” The way he pronounces my name makes me think he is not taking me seriously, but is instead treating this as some kind of game.

“I believe in the people of the safety zone,” I explain, and as nobody interrupts me, I continue. “People need more than security, food, and a task. They need something which is worth living for. A goal, a hope, a dream on the horizon. People are meant to want to reach for the stars. If you take away their hope, they cease to live and become robots. That is what is happening in the safety zone. If we give them a goal, they will flourish with life again.”

Again, it has become quiet. My words seem to be resonating with the Legion commanders. Even A566 looks a bit unsettled. “And what goal is that?”

The answer is obvious to me, “It is love.”

A566 instantly breaks into peals of laughter. He slams his flat hands on the table and continues laughing. I have never seen such emotions on a Legion commander and that is what makes me angry.

“Love is multifaceted. There is not only the love between lovers, but also friendship and family, and love for a dream. Even the love of self is what keeps us alive. There is so much to love that you will never know,” I hiss at him and feel my cheeks blush.

But A566 continues to shake his head in amusement. Again, it’s A350 who puts her warm hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

“I think we should return to the topic at hand,” she says. “The proposal was the introduction of food products in the safety zone and a common food distribution network. Are there any opinions on this?”

A489 thinks for a minute and then says, “If we introduce the foods that we eat, how would we explain to the people where they came from? How would we do that when they believe everything on the Earth is contaminated with radiation?”

“We could tell them the truth,” A350 suggests, before I can say anything, her hand tightens on my shoulder.

“It wouldn’t work,” A233 protests. “They’ll feel betrayed. They would know that we concealed something from them for a long time. Potatoes do not just grow, they have to be cultivated. Even the people of the safety zone know this.”

I have to agree with her on this point, but I will not leave from this conference without a success. “We could distribute them with the tablets together and thereby tell them of food research, so we could start slowly. Based on how people react to that we could ease them along.”

“And how are we to explain the sudden change?” A489 says disapprovingly.

“Just as we explained A518’s appointment. The world is changing and the Legion moves with the times,” A350 says.

“Then people will ask what changes we are talking about, it would make unnecessary thoughts,” A489 says, still unconvinced.

“No, they would not. They would be grateful for any change,” I steadfastly disagree. “I speak from personal experience.”

“I think we’ve all heard enough for us to be able to get an idea of this plan. Therefore, we should now vote,” A233 says. “Who votes in favor of the introduction of a common food system in the safety zone?”

A350 immediately raises her hand. I raise mine as well. A489 leaves his hand adamantly on the table before him. To my surprise, A233 raises her hand. After a few seconds, I count ten raised hands. Eleven more are left on the table. We have lost.

“Are there any abstentions?” A233 asks around the room. Nobody answers. I look around and see A566 grinning at me. Is he glad to see me fail? Suddenly he raises his hand.

“I’ve changed my mind. I am in favor of the introduction.” His eyes are fixed on me. “A518 has convinced me.”

Now we are eleven against ten, but instead of rejoicing at A566’s change of heart, I am overcome by the uneasy feeling that he will ask for something in return. Although we never entered into an agreement, I have the feeling that I am now in his debt.

The conference is over.

T
oday is the day when I can return to the safety zone for the first time. Not only that, it will also be my first official appearance as a Legion commander. The new food program will be governed by three food counters in the atrium. It is my job to open the new system and explain to the people in the safety zone the new flow. It was my idea and I am pleased and proud that it has been put into use so soon. The atrium will now what it always should have been: A place of communication. No matter what classification someone is, they will all mingle in there. It will swarm with people talking to each other. From free conversation arise opinions and feelings. This tiny change in the lives of the residents returns a piece of humanity to them. I am convinced this is only the beginning.

If the other Legion commanders see how well this common food tablet system works, they will soon make the transition to proper food. But these are only small steps on the way to my ultimate goal. I want to show people the starry sky. Not the artificial one in the atrium, but the real thing. They will see the sparkle of the stars with their own eyes and stand with the red sand beneath their feet and the wind blowing through their hair. They will smell the scent of the damp Earth after a rain shower and let the needles of the fir trees tickle through their fingers like sand. Maybe I am not much different from the rebels. I am fighting. Even if it's a fight without weapons that will last years, I will eventually lead them to victory. All I need for this is patience and a strong will.

There is a knock at the door. I rise from my bed and look through the peephole. A350 and D560 are standing outside my door. Through my fingerprint, I open the door for both of them. This too is new to me. Although I cannot open any other door in the Legion commander area, I at least have power over my own door. This door can only be opened with my fingerprint. No one else can gain access without my permission. My room is no different from those of the other Legion commanders, yet it belongs to me alone. It is my home. My refuge.

On A350's face is her beautiful smile. While she rarely smiled at the beginning, she now smiles radiantly. I have gotten used to the sight as she smiles more and more often. She has even begun to joke. I enjoy her presence more every day. Even our lessons are effortless, but are more like the conversations I would have in the caves with Florence.

A350 naturally caresses me slightly above the arm. “Are you nervous?”

“Yes,” I confess. “I'm afraid I will forget my lines.”

“You should have no fear and you should not worry about your lines. You have worked so hard for the common food procurement system that you should only have to speak from your heart. People will feel how much it means to you.”

Although I have now gotten used to it, she is different from the other Legion commanders. Her words speak of love and affection as though these feelings have always been a part of her. Nevertheless, I hope that she is right.

A350 points to D560 who stands with the food tray. “I brought your food to your room so that you don't have to face the others...”

I know why. A489 continues to be against me and my suggestion. He would take this opportunity to humiliate me, to try to get the others to back out of this plan.

“D560 will stay with you until you have eaten. I'll see you at the elevator.”

Once again she places both hands on my shoulders. “I believe in you.”

My entire body becomes flooded with warmth. I can see the glow in her light blue eyes. I remember someone saying those same words to me. It was Finn.

After I open the door for her, she leaves. Meanwhile D560 has placed my breakfast on the narrow table in front of the large window wall. She looks out at the vast plain.

I sit quietly on the chair and begin to divide the bread with my hands. I cannot help but observe D560. Her gaze is full of longing. It is not the fascination and curiosity that was in my eyes when I saw the world outside the safety zone for the first time. For her it is much more. In her eyes is a deep sadness.

Just when I begin to say something, I hear her soft, fragile voice. “I listened to you at the conference.”

I did not know that she was there, but the thought should have occurred to me. She works in the kitchen, after all.

“I liked the part about love,” she admits quietly and looks away from the window. Instead of looking at me, she looks at the ground.

“What did you like about it?” I ask, trying not to let the conversation die.

“It would be nice to have something that is worth living for.”

She speaks as though it were an unreachable desire. Is there nothing she can hope for?

“If you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

Irritated, she raises her head and I can see that her light blue pupils have red veins in them. She must have cried a lot. “I would hope that it would come to an end.”

I do not understand what she wants to tell me. “What should come to an end?”

She looks back to the ground. “My life. My life is worthless.”

Shaken, I get up and go around the table to her. I think about the piece of glass in her hand. She had deliberately injured herself then. But why?

I think of how A350 would put her hands on my shoulders and try that with D560, but she flinches as if I slapped her. She steps back several feet, staring at me in horror. Reassuringly, I lift my hands to signal that I will not touch her again.

“Do not say that,” I say. “Although everything may seem hopeless, there is always hope.”

“Not for me,” she replies coldly and deliberately stares past me. I've barely touched my food.

“Are you ready?” She asks brusquely and begins clearing the dishes without waiting for an answer.

I want her to be happy, but I do not know what she is missing. Is she upset with her whole situation or is there more to it? I am sure many people in the safety zone are unhappy, but I've never seen someone who tried to self harm. The first time I saw tears was in the caves with Iris.

“Open the door, please,” D560 asks without looking at me. She wears the tray like a shield covering her chest. She clings to it so tightly that her knuckles turn white.

“Of course,” I reply and place my finger on the scanner. Before the door is completely open, D560 slips out and flees down the hall. Did I say something wrong?

My heart beats wildly up to my neck when ten of the other Legion commanders and I ride the narrow elevator car down into the safety zone. A350 stands next to me. I feel A566's breath on my neck. He stands right behind me and I have a feeling that he is having a particularly difficult time breathing. Even Finn's breath tickled my neck, but that was a pleasant feeling. A566's breath on the other hand gives me goose bumps, almost like a cold wind. I cannot say what is triggering this feeling. He never seemed to be unfriendly; on the contrary, he is the one who turned the balance of the vote to my favor. Actually, I should be grateful to him. He is the only other Legion commander the same age as me. We could be friends, but I doubt that will ever happen.

With a jerk, the elevator comes to a stop. One after another we step out into the artificial light of the atrium.

While the people had gathered in front of the elevator at my appointment, they now stand in orderly rows in front of the still veiled food counters. Through a closed-off path we walk through to a podium to the left of the new food counters.

The other Legion commanders stand in a line behind me as I stand at the edge of the podium in front of a microphone stand. At the rebel meetings, everyone would talk wildly with excitement that would slowly come to a rest. But here no one speaks a word. Every single inhabitant of the safety zone has their eyes obediently fixed on me. Their eyes show no emotion. They look neither happy nor sad, neither curious nor bored. Their gaze is as if frozen. But I know I can break the ice. Somewhere beneath their shell of numbness are unique personalities, just waiting to be awakened. Nevertheless, it would help me in this moment to recognize one pair of eyes in the crowd. I let my gaze flow over the many faces. From up here they all look the same. They stand still, just like robots. I can feel the Legion commanders feel impatient behind me. They want me to hurry up and give my speech. Just when I want to give up my search, I see him. He stands with another fighter in front of the sickbay, which is why I did not see him immediately. But, instead of confidence and encouragement in Clyde's eyes, I only see anger and disappointment. He stares me right in the eye and without a word tells me what he thinks about me. He thinks I betrayed him and Zoe.

If I was not nervous before, I was now. My heart sits as though it is a lump in my throat. I can feel beads of sweat trickle down my back and across my wet forehead. The warm hand of A350 lies down on my shoulder. “Speak now!” She tells me. It is a command and not a request.

I clear my throat. The noise can be heard throughout the atrium and reverberates and amplifies off the walls.

“Welcome! A518 welcomes you.”

My voice is weak and does not radiate the strength of the other Legion commanders. Of course I had thought about what I would say, but my mind is a blank. I breathe in and out and think back to A350's words.

“You should have no fear and you should not worry about your lines. You have worked so hard for the common food procurement system that you should only have to speak from your heart. People will feel how much it means to you.”

“Man is a herd animal. If you were to put him alone in a cell without contact with other people, he would wilt like a plant without water.”

It occurs to me too late that none of the people in the safety zone have ever seen a living plant. They only know them from educational instruction.