Read My Lips (26 page)

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T
AYLOR,
25, Illinois

DOES ONE SIZE FIT ALL?

Vanessa used to have a friend who would always joke begrudgingly that “it was just her luck that her vagina was the only small part of her body.” That statement always struck Vanessa as a little funny because she had always been under the impression that, like most other parts of the body, women were supposed to believe that “less is more” when it comes to their vaginal circumference. Isn’t it the common cultural idea for women to have a vagina that’s “tight” (a.k.a. small)?

Fortunately, no. Women and their vaginas come in all shapes and sizes—and men and women who partner with women have a range of likes and preferences, too. Many women have probably never checked out their vaginal size in any detail. Those who have considered their vaginal size may have done so in relation to a partner. For instance, depending on your “fit” with your partner, you may wish that your vagina had a slightly wider circumference for more comfortable sex if your partner is quite large or a narrower circumference if your partner is on the slimmer side. (Or you may have wished that your male partner’s penis was a little smaller or bigger to enhance your genital fit or sensation during sex.)

We understand thinking/feeling this way at times. We also understand that where there is a market, there will be a product to fill it (literally, in this case). Although we understand the reasons for the products, we do not have to agree with the marketing tactics used to promote some of them. For instance, there are vaginal creams that claim to make you feel “like a virgin” again. Who would want that? We can’t imagine that many women would want to undergo the fear and pain that they may have experienced when “losing” their virginity the first time. We also worry that such products may make some women feel badly about their vagina and its size. Disapprove. Then again, we are well aware that many women struggle with issues related to how they feel about their vaginal size or sensation, perhaps especially after having children. We get it. And we definitely believe that healthcare providers should be more attentive to women’s questions about their vaginas, including how vaginas and vulvas may change due to pregnancy or childbirth. Far too many women feel brushed aside by their doctors who tell them things like, “Once you have a baby, nothing is ever the same again—including your vagina.” Who benefits from a line like that?

Marketing messages aside (they don’t all share the same message), what do we think of vaginal-tightening products? Well, Vanessa has been pretty brave and has experimented quite a bit with the products out there, but we were extra wary about this one. Most of the products contain potassium alum. Have you ever used or seen natural rock deodorant from the health-food store? Well, that’s a great example of potassium alum—not something that we were excited to insert in our vaginas. That being said, we did peruse the reviews for some time before we came to that decision. If all the reviews are real, they ranged from “it increased my and my partner’s sexual pleasure” to “it did nothing” to “it dried me out” to “it gave me a yeast infection.” Sure it may work—but it sounds risky.

Also, we had heard from some of our colleagues who are doctors and others who sell sex toys and other sexual-enhancement products that many of the vaginal-tightening creams work by inflaming the vagina. That didn’t sound at all fun to us. Rather than risking irritation or inflammation to our vaginas or yours, why not opt for Kegel exercises, which can help to tone the pelvic-floor muscles? For decades, these exercises have helped many women with genital sensation. That said, we realized that some women feel as though Kegels only do so much for them. In these cases, women should ask their healthcare providers, or a physical therapist who has training in genital-health issues and the pelvic-floor muscles, what else may be done to improve their perceptions of their genital size or genital sensation.

At the Other End of the Spectrum

We started off this section by pointing out that women vary in how they feel about their vaginal size and circumference. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all women wish that they were smaller. We want to make sure that we don’t leave out our ladies who long for a larger circumference or a more comfortable genital fit with a male partner.

If you are hoping to increase your vaginal circumference to ease intercourse with a more endowed male partner, we recommend the following:

1. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Take it easy and relax—the more nervous you are, the tighter and less lubricated you may be.
   
2. Spend at least ten minutes in foreplay, which can help your vagina to tent and create more space.
   
3. Use lots and lots and lots of lubrication. It can make vaginal penetration more comfortable and easier.
   
4. Try to ease into it. Have a partner ease in one finger at a time and move it around until you find an arousing angle. Once you are comfortable, ease in another finger and repeat. If you have a few sex toys that are narrower in girth, it may help to get started with those.
   

These little tricks should have you eased into a more pleasurable sexual experience in no time. If you still find vaginal penetration difficult or even impossible, we recommend that you check in with a healthcare provider. Occasionally, various medical or anatomical issues can make penetration more difficult. Some of these conditions can be easily treated to make penetration a more comfortable possibility. Finally, if you feel as though your vagina is too small for comfortable penetration with tampons, fingers, sex toys, or a male partner’s penis—don’t despair. Dilator use (described in detail in chapter 4) may be of benefit to you.

A Different Type of Hole

Whoever said that women’s genitals only have three holes clearly did not get her vulva pierced. This section would not be complete without a brief section on genital piercing. Although slightly more common for males, there are certainly many women who have a pierced poonanny. The safety of these piercings varies, and there is little regulation over the procedures. As you can imagine, then, people who choose to have their genitals pierced are taking a risk and would be well advised to talk with their healthcare providers and ask questions before doing so.

What we can tell you about are some of the most popular piercing styles.
¹⁰
Piercings through the outer labia can take longer to heal (two to four months) than clitoral or inner-labia piercings (two to six weeks). The most common piercings are through the clitoral hood, the body of the clitoris, or the inner or outer labia. Oftentimes, women will opt for several piercings. As you can imagine, the clitoral piercings are said to increase sexual sensation. In fact, it is likely not just sexual sensation, but also sensation when at the office, grocery store, and everywhere in between. Do you decorate down there? Do you love it? Hate it? Does it give you pleasure? An infection? Tell us about it on our web site or Facebook page.

If you or your partner has a genital piercing, you may find it easier to start sex slowly. If your piercing can be removed and put back in, you may want to remove your piercing(s) before having intercourse or oral sex (yes, there have been cases in which piercings have chipped teeth or been accidentally swallowed). Condom use can be challenging, too, as piercings may tear the condoms. As such, make sure to get screened for STIs before having sex together, just in case the male or female condom breaks or in case you choose to forgo condoms altogether.

PRODUCTS?

Love it or hate it, the vulva has been a source of revenue for many people—and we’re not talking about prostitution here. Some products are simply modern translations of products that have been around for thousands of years; others probably address realistic wants/ needs/desires of women, and other companies may create a need for a product or a service that no one ever cared about before its existence (and marketing). Regardless of how you feel about the products, we are hoping this chapter armed you with the information you need to make a choice about what (if any) product is right for you.

TEST YOUR VQ

1. When do doctors recommend that an average woman should douche?

a. as frequently as she can—the cleaner the better!

b. once a month after she finishes her period

c. after sex as a form of birth control

d. never ever

2. Which of the following statements is true about tampons?

a. They may take your virginity.

b. Some expand lengthwise while others expand widthwise.

c. There is a likelihood that you will get TSS if left in for too long.

d. If you push your tampon too hard, it can get lost inside of your body.

3. Inner labia that are not pink

a. are considered unattractive

b. only occur after menopause

c. indictate a health issue

d. are very common

Answers

1. d

2. b

3. d

• 6 •

The Hair Down There

Think back to when you first remember becoming aware of the fact that girls, as they develop into young women, develop hair on their genitals (let alone their underarms and perhaps thicker hair on their legs). You may have seen a drawing that illustrated the kinds of body changes you could expect to see on girls and boys. Maybe you used to shower or bathe with your mother and noticed that her genitals looked different than yours, particularly in regard to the hair on hers or how she used a razor on her genitals whereas you, as a child without pubic hair, didn’t do this as part of bathing. Or maybe no one told you or showed you anything about puberty as it pertains to pubic hair. Like many girls on the verge of womanhood, perhaps the first time you knew anything about pubic hair was when it first began to appear on your own genitals. Alternatively, the first time pubic hair appeared on your radar screen may have been when, on
Sex and the City
, Charlotte got a Brazilian wax, Samantha freaked out over a gray pube, or the girls suggested that Miranda—married and having infrequent sex with her husband, Steve—trim things up down there.

Men: Back off the hair. Seriously. I am very positive about my body, and I can only imagine how these jerks affect women who are less positive or unsure. This belongs to me!

—
R
ACHEL,
32, New Mexico

Women recall varied experiences relating to first becoming aware of pubic hair. Some women remember feeling horrified or embarrassed about pubic hair as it began sprouting on their genitals. At least one woman we know used to sneak her mother’s razor in order to get rid of the hair that she didn’t realize was a natural part of puberty and thus didn’t fully understand. Other women remember feeling proud and happy about their pubertal changes, including their genital changes, feeling as though they were going through a momentous and special change that would soon enough turn them into grown women.

One mom we know talked to us about her daughter’s process of pubertal change. As a mom who is knowledgeable about sex and comfortable talking about it, she raised her daughter in a home environment that fostered developmentally appropriate conversations about gender, sexuality, and pubertal changes. When her daughter began developing pubic hair, she would count her new pubic hairs. Not only that, but much to her mother’s surprise, she would report new hair growth—with great joy and pride—to her mother, who would congratulate her on her development. “I have six hairs now!” she would say over breakfast, as if telling her mom about receiving a good grade on an exam. If only all girls were raised in such open, supportive homes! And if only all women could continue to feel proud about their bodies rather than feeling as though they have to tweak them to meet the (real or imagined) approval of their doctors, partners, or a standard set by magazines.

I think that it is important to talk about our vulvas, vaginas, clitori, labias, and pubic hair out loud and in public. Men have been talking about their respective genitals since men could speak, and they do so in the television, on the radio, on the cross-town bus, at the bar, in mixed company, at family reunions, and so on. So I think it is time we took some of the mystery and silence out of female genitalia. Women’s bodies aren’t dirty and shameful and it is time that the world realizes it.

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S
AMANTHA,
28, Michigan

In this chapter, we’ll describe the many things that women have done to their pubic hair throughout different historical time periods and in different cultures, including what we know from Greek vase painting, Egyptian art, and nudes of the Northern Italian Renaissance (who had hair, who didn’t, and why). You’ll learn about a research study we conducted that involved asking more than twenty-five hundred women about their pubic hair. In this study, we asked women what they do with their pubic hair (Shave it? Wax it? Leave it alone?) and how much they remove (if any), and we also looked at patterns to understand how women’s pubic hairstyles relate to their sex lives and how they feel about their genitals. The data were surprising to us, and we hope they will be of interest to you, too. We’ll also take a look at merkins of yesteryear in addition to modern-day salon offerings such as vajazzling, vajacials, and vatooing. Although pubic hair isn’t a new invention, some of the things people do down there are. Consider this the ultimate guide to your pubes.