Ready for Marriage? (7 page)

She was alive now. Oh, she certainly was! Immersed in the wonderful sensation of being touched by the one man in the world who could make her feel so complete, she didn’t protest when his fingers slipped beneath the edge of her short blouse. His hand was warm and sure as he traced small circular patterns on her sensitive flesh, his fingers trailing breath-stealing streaks of pleasure wherever they lit. His hand moved up her torso as he kissed her relentlessly, demanding her response as he sought out each rib, slowly exploring her until he was brushing the full undercurve of her breast. He paused there
momentarily, lightly brushing his thumb back and forth. Finally, his thumb ventured higher, gently rubbing her stiff and aching nipple through the lacy bra she wore, and her back arched involuntarily as hot, liquid desire shot straight down to the sensitive apex of her thighs.

A small moan escaped her. The sound startled her and interrupted the daze of desire, and she came out of the sensual moment long enough to grab his wrist. ‘‘Wait. Someone might come in.’’

Derek stilled, his mouth and his hand both frozen in place. Finally, he pulled his mouth away from hers, shaking his head as if shaking off a hypnotic spell as he slowly, reluctantly withdrew his hand, caressing her gently as he tugged her blouse back into place. ‘‘Whoa. I’m sorry.’’ He blew out a dazed breath as he shook his head. ‘‘That got…a little out of hand.’’

‘‘A little?’’ Her laugh was shaky as she straightened her shirt.

He stroked a hand down the unruly length of her hair and released her, smiling crookedly. ‘‘You sit over there.’’ He backed away from her, waving toward the chair on the other side of the desk. ‘‘I don’t trust myself when you’re within reach.’’

I don’t trust myself when you’re within reach
. It was true. The muscles of his belly tightened as he looked across the desk at her.

Her hair was a wild, curly tangle and her eyes glowed with warmth. Her lips were red and swollen and there was a pink flush along her jawbone where
his beard stubble had abraded her tender skin. He hadn’t meant to do that, and he suffered a momentary remorse at marking her. The scariest part was that he couldn’t even remember how it had happened.

God! She exploded in his arms, her response a sweet, honest welcome that made it difficult for him to remember his own name, let alone anything else. He’d been celibate by choice in the years since his wife had died and now his body felt as if he were ready to make up for all the thousands of lonely hours in one hot, steamy, endless night.

To distract himself, he said, ‘‘Tell me about these applicants while we eat.’’

‘‘All right.’’ Kristin pushed a set of utensils at him. He was grateful that she accepted the change of subject so easily. It gave him time to come to grips with the way his world had changed.

A sexual relationship. With Kris. Giving voice to the idea, even if it was only in his head, gave him pause. Was he really thinking of having an affair with her?

He knew how he’d feel if she were contemplating such a course with any other man, and he wasn’t sure he even liked
himself
very much for considering her that way. God, this whole situation was making him crazy. Deliberately, he forced himself to set aside his churning thoughts. Kristin didn’t appear to be the least bit conflicted as she prepared plates of the Chinese food for each of them. Maybe he was making too big a deal out of the whole thing.

As they ate, she detailed the three individuals who had applied for the executive directorship.

None of them, in his opinion, sounded like what the sanctuary needed. ‘‘I’d like to see them hire someone who can take the sanctuary to a new level,’’ he told her. ‘‘Someone with experience in fund-raising and marketing. Someone who sees expanding our sights beyond the local efforts in a positive light.’’

‘‘What do you mean, ‘beyond the local efforts’?’’ She was studying him, her intelligent green eyes assessing as she considered his words.

‘‘State-wide. Nationally, even.’’ He hunted through one of the stacks of literature on his desk, coming up with the magazine he wanted. ‘‘This is from a nationally known animal sanctuary in Utah. They get grants, enormous bequests, stuff like that. They have tons of clever programs that encourage people to donate to special projects. And they offer how-to seminars on everything from fund-raising to feral cat colonies.’’ He tapped the magazine with a finger. ‘‘You should look at this.’’

‘‘I will.’’ She took it from him and laid it aside, concentrating on her food. ‘‘I’ve been thinking about the next director, too. I’m going to recommend to the board that they create a contract with a definite end date and a set of goals they’d like to see accomplished in that time. That way, they’ll be able to measure how well someone is working out and give themselves a way to release an employee who isn’t living up to expectations. If we were to hire someone
like you’re talking about, that would be a vital part of the contract.’’

His eyebrows rose. ‘‘Great idea.’’ He cleared his throat, remembering a conversation he’d had with Rusty a few days before. ‘‘Have you considered staying in the position?’’

She cocked her head. ‘‘Permanently?’’

He nodded. ‘‘Rusty mentioned to me that the board wanted to ask you to accept the job for good.’’

‘‘He hinted at it.’’ She shook her head. ‘‘Not interested. Although I’m enjoying the challenge, I still want to keep my accounting practice. I’m actually planning on expanding it once you find the right person for the executive director’s job.’’

‘‘Expanding it?’’ He had never really spoken much with Kris about her work, he realized with a pang of guilt. Most of the time, they talked about Mollie or about things that went on in his practice, about the upkeep of his home or about the sanctuary. He couldn’t remember the last time it had occurred to him to ask her about her goals and dreams.

She nodded. ‘‘I can go full-time. It would be a nice leap in my income level, let me finally get out from under—oh, never mind. I’m sure this is boring you to tears.’’ Her gaze slid away from his and she concentrated on her food. ‘‘Tell me how Mollie is doing. Are you still planning on looking for another private sitter?’’

Derek studied her in silence. What the heck had just happened? She’d been discussing her business when suddenly she’d stopped making eye contact,
her posture had changed from relaxed and easy to straight-backed and rigid, and she’d fixed on a bright, fake smile that he didn’t think he’d ever seen before. ‘‘Yeah,’’ he finally said. ‘‘I still need a sitter. But Mollie’s enjoyed day care so much I’m thinking of signing her up for preschool a couple of days a week. It’ll be part of the sitter’s job to take her and pick her up.’’

The odd smile faded from Kristin’s face and a genuine, far more familiar frown replaced it. ‘‘You mean you’re going to let a total stranger drive her around?’’

‘‘Well, yeah.’’ Although he hadn’t really even considered that aspect of the idea.

‘‘What if the person has an old rattletrap of a car? How will you know if he or she has a safe driving record? What will you do about a car seat—?’’

‘‘Hold on!’’ He held up one hand, palm out. ‘‘This is just something I was considering. I haven’t interviewed anyone yet, and I honestly hadn’t even thought about car safety. Do you want to help me put together a list of questions?’’

She nodded immediately. ‘‘Sure. And as long as I’m making suggestions, why don’t you see if there are any agencies in the area that provide nannies? We’d still want to conduct our own interviews and check references, but at least we’d know they’d come recommended with some initial screening done.’’

We
. Two little letters that made one very simple word. But something in the way she said it struck him like a bolt of lightning from a cloudless sky.
We
. When had it begun to sound so good to him?

He finished his meal, then came around the desk and held out his hand to her.

She looked at his outstretched hand, then up at his face. Slowly, she placed her palm in his and let him draw her to her feet.

Neither of them said a word. Still holding her gaze, he drew her into his arms and lowered his head. The moment his lips touched hers, he felt the same thrill as he had before. The irresistible call of desire, of need and passion and heat and all the things he’d missed for so long and had found in her arms. He kissed her deeply, plunging his tongue into her mouth in search of her uniquely exciting response, delighting in her slick, soft flavor. His hands slid down her back, stopping just above the sweet swell of her bottom. His palms practically itched with the need to slide farther down and cup the soft globes, but this wasn’t the place to grope her like an adolescent boy. The last thing he wanted to do was make her uncomfortable. Besides, if he started, he wasn’t at all sure he’d be able to stop. So much for noble motives.

He reached up and tugged lightly on her arms, drawing them down from his neck and holding them between their bodies. ‘‘Much as I’d like to do this for the rest of the day, I’ve got to get back to work.’’

Kristin’s eyes were soft and dazed, her lips red and full. She blew out a breath as her forehead dropped to rest against his chest. ‘‘It’s probably just as well,’’ she muttered.

He found he didn’t like the sound of that sentiment. ‘‘Why?’’

She looked up at him, her tone mildly exasperated. ‘‘Derek, it hardly seems fair for me to be kissing you like this. You know I’m dating several men right now and I’m certainly not carrying on with them like I just did with you.’’

I’m dating several men
. A primal surge of jealousy and possessiveness rushed through him. ‘‘You’d better not be.’’ His voice sounded thick and rough to his own ears, and he didn’t wait for her to respond before he bent his head and took her mouth again. He released her wrists and took her by the hips, tugging her firmly against his body, knowing she couldn’t miss the pulsing column of arousal that hadn’t completely subsided since he’d walked into the room. The hell with not making her uncomfortable. She could damn well feel as uncomfortable as he did right now.

‘‘No more dating,’’ he said, lifting his mouth a breath from hers. ‘‘I told you the other night that things have changed.’’

‘‘But—’’

‘‘This is going to be an exclusive relationship,’’ he told her.

‘‘Exclusive in what way?’’

God, did the woman have to argue with every word that came out of his mouth? ‘‘Neither of us is going to see anyone else from now on.’’

She frowned. ‘‘You weren’t seeing anyone before. I’m the only one who’s concerned about my life passing me by.’’ Her eyes looked suspiciously moist. ‘‘I can’t just be your sexual toy, Derek.’’

He rubbed his hands up and down over the slender line of her back, feeling the delicate bone structure beneath his palms. Despite her youth, Kristin was one of the most capable, competent women he’d ever known. He thought of her as self-assured, as sturdy and indestructible.

Perhaps too much so. He’d ignored her need for reassurance, for support and commitment because it hadn’t occurred to him that she needed those things. Now he knew she did. She was as vulnerable, in her way, as any other woman.

A fatalistic sense of calm descended, and he knew what he was going to say mere moments before he opened his mouth. ‘‘I don’t want you to be a sexual toy. I want you to be my wife.’’

T
he words were shocking, even to him. Derek suddenly couldn’t draw a deep enough breath and an instant tension stiffened his limbs.

Kristin froze in his embrace. She didn’t say a word.

‘‘Kris.’’ He stepped back and took both her hands in his, then took a deep breath and dropped to one knee in front of her. ‘‘Will you marry me?’’

God. The sound of the words hitting the air was nearly a physical pain in his heart. He’d spoken those words once before, holding Deb in his arms on a park bench just as a brilliant sunset feathered across the sky.

He and she had been young. So young. Who could
have known that she’d be dead in just over a decade, years before her time?

Kristin was still standing in front of him, and he forced himself to set aside the painful thoughts. The past was over. Buried.

And he realized she hadn’t said a word.

He cleared his throat and tried to smile. ‘‘I, ah, didn’t think you’d find a marriage proposal from me abhorrent.’’

‘‘It’s not that,’’ she said slowly, soberly. ‘‘It’s shock. You didn’t want to marry me last month. What’s changed?’’

‘‘I didn’t know what I wanted last month. Not even last week,’’ he said honestly, trying to give her question the respect it deserved. ‘‘Ever since you first brought up the idea of marriage my head’s been in a spin. I thought I was content with the way my life was going, but I don’t think it was contentment I was really feeling. I was in a rut and it was easier to stay there than to look for a new path.’’

Kristin swallowed. Her eyes were wide, a dark mossy green filled with shock. ‘‘And the new path is asking me to marry you?’’

He rose and smiled down at her. ‘‘It’s not a new path, is it? It’s one that I’ve been avoiding taking for too long now.’’

Something moved in Kristin’s eyes, some screen dropped and he was momentarily seared by…by what? What had he seen? Pain? Anger? ‘‘Wow,’’ she said. ‘‘Overwhelm me with romance, Derek.’’

Romance. The word reminded him of Deb again,
of the excitement and anticipation he’d felt during their courtship and early years together and a wave of grief stronger than he’d felt in months swamped him. This was nothing like that. And he didn’t want her thinking,
couldn’t
have her thinking or hoping it could be. A lump rose in his throat and he had to pause for a moment before he could speak.

‘‘Look,’’ he said. ‘‘I’m not young and romantic, Kris. What we have between us isn’t romance, but it’s just as good in many ways. Friendship, dependability, shared interests.’’ He lowered his voice. ‘‘I can promise you that I’ll be faithful. And I think we’ve safely established that we’ve got chemistry on our side.’’

‘‘Sexual compatibility is nice, but it’s certainly not a good reason to marry someone,’’ she pointed out.

He was beginning to feel a little frazzled. What the hell did she want from him? Hadn’t he just done exactly what she’d wanted? ‘‘I’ll be a good provider. You can work or not, I don’t care, as long as we have good child-care arrangements for Mollie.’’

‘‘And other children?’’ Her voice was little more than a whisper, but the question froze him in place.

More children? God, he’d never even considered that possibility. He’d been stupid not to, he saw now. Kristin was a young woman. Of course she would want children of her own.

Children of her own. Children with him
. It was almost hard to breathe in the close confines of the little room. ‘‘I, ah, I need some time to think about that,’’ he managed to say in what he hoped was a
relatively normal tone. ‘‘I see that we have a lot more issues to think through than I’d first considered. Let’s talk more tonight.’’

‘‘You still want me to come over for dinner?’’ She sounded vaguely surprised and he realized he hadn’t been all that successful at concealing his turbulent emotions from her after all.

‘‘Yeah.’’ He put out a hand and stroked the back of his fingers down her cheek. ‘‘I do. Will you come?’’

She smiled, although he thought it seemed a little shaky. ‘‘All right.’’

It took all the nerve she possessed to force herself to approach the front door of her childhood home at seven that evening. She’d been letting herself in with a key for years, first when it was her home and more recently after Deb’s death. But tonight Kristin felt like a stranger as she stood on the stone front porch holding a plate of the rice cereal treats that she knew both Mollie and Derek loved.

She rang the doorbell and shifted restlessly from foot to foot as she heard Mollie’s racing footsteps. Derek’s heavier tread approached at a more sedate pace. She was afraid when she opened her mouth to speak all the butterflies in her stomach were going to spill right out in a wild, bright-colored swarm and flit away. Of course, they would have left behind cocoons chock-full of new ones to replace them.

The door swung open and even though she was expecting it, her stomach lurched. Derek stood facing
her as Mollie danced madly in front of him, chattering a welcome. Over the little girl’s head, their eyes met and the breath whooshed out of her lungs at the heated awareness in his blue gaze. Her abdomen contracted sharply as he surveyed her from head to toes and back again. She’d taken special care with her appearance tonight, not wanting to be too dressed up and yet wanting to be sure he noticed her.

From the look in his eye as he checked out her sleeveless, scoop-necked aqua sweater and short, beige linen skirt, she’d succeeded. ‘‘Hi,’’ he said.

‘‘Hi.’’ She didn’t know what to say to him; the things they needed to talk about weren’t issues that could be easily discussed with the distraction of a child.

Mollie grabbed her hand and tugged her into the foyer. ‘‘Come see my new baby Daddy bringed!’’

‘‘A new baby?’’ Feeling unbelievably skittish and shy, she concentrated on Mollie. ‘‘What’s her name?’’

‘‘Zu-zie.’’ The little girl took her hand and tugged her toward the family room.

‘‘Ah. Susie. I like that name,’’ Kristen said. She glanced over her shoulder at Derek and caught him grinning.

‘‘Shall I take those?’’ he asked, indicating the dessert bars.

‘‘Yes, please,’’ she said. ‘‘But don’t you dare eat any before dinner.’’ And with that small exchange, she suddenly felt much more comfortable, as if the
world had righted itself to a more familiar perspective.

Derek snapped his fingers. ‘‘You know me too well.’’

‘‘And don’t you forget it.’’ She returned his smile and their eyes held for a long moment. But it didn’t make her nervous or jittery this time. It was true. She did know him well. She couldn’t think of a single thing she could be asked about him that she wouldn’t know.

Mollie claimed her attention again then, and while Derek got dinner on the table, she played with the little girl. As she did so, she realized how much she had missed these times together. Mollie seemed to have grown taller just in the short time since Derek had enrolled her in day care. And she was learning to tie ‘‘bunny ears,’’ she informed Kristin. A pang of loss shot through her heart at that news.

And then a different feeling smote her heart. If Derek really wanted to marry her, Mollie would be
her
daughter, just as she’d imagined so many times in her daydreams. It was almost too much to hope for, and she forced herself to turn off the frantic thoughts vying for notice in her mind.

She read the little girl several stories. After that, while Mollie became engrossed in folding her baby’s blanket, Kristin got up and moved into the kitchen. She felt odd, acting like a guest when she knew how hectic Derek’s life was. He didn’t need the added stress of entertaining.

‘‘Need any help?’’ she asked him, automatically opening the drawer where the flatware was kept.

He smiled, but shook his head. ‘‘Believe it or not, I have everything under control. I set the table earlier so I wouldn’t have to worry about it, and the potatoes should be just about done. Why don’t you just sit down over there and keep me company?’’

‘‘Nobody needs me anymore, just as I predicted,’’ she said, trying for a light tone as she perched on one of the bar stools at the center island. ‘‘Mollie’s learning to tie and you’re managing to cook.’’

‘‘Hold on a minute.’’ Derek set down the spoon he’d used to stir the green beans and came around the corner of the island. ‘‘We may be learning a few new tricks but we’ll
always
need you, Kris.’’ He reached for her, pulling her into his arms, and she instantly felt the lack of oxygen to her brain at the feel of his hard, warm body against hers. She hadn’t expected the embrace, hadn’t expected him to act like a lover, although that made little sense given the way he’d acted earlier in the day. Still…she’d been in and out of his home for years as a friend and the sudden shift felt distinctly weird.

He kissed her lightly, but before she could respond he released her and walked back to the stovetop. ‘‘I’d better get this meal on the table.’’

It was wonderful to sit down and have a meal with Derek and Mollie again, and afterward she convinced him to let her give Mollie her bath while he cleaned up the kitchen.

‘‘I meant for you to be strictly a guest tonight,’’
he told her ruefully as Mollie raced ahead of her up the steps.

‘‘Derek, I
want
to do this,’’ she said. ‘‘I’ve missed you two terribly.’’

‘‘Exactly what ‘this’ have you missed, Kris?’’ he asked, his brows drawing together. ‘‘You’re the one who quit coming around, who quit eating with us.’’

‘‘Who quit cleaning your house and helping with your laundry.’’ She could feel her temper rising at the censure in his tone.

‘‘Don’t put words in my mouth. It wasn’t what you did that we missed, it was your presence.’’

She didn’t know what to say to that. So in the end, she said nothing. But as she turned and started up the stairs, Derek said quietly, ‘‘Once Mollie is in bed, you and I are going to finish this conversation.’’

Derek paced around the family room, too nervous to sit. Kris was still upstairs reading Mollie one last story after he’d said good-night, but she couldn’t linger much longer.

He was impatient, which was rare in itself. Normally he was content to allow the passage of the days, to let events and incidents come about in their own good time. He also, he admitted, was a master at ignoring anything he didn’t want to face. That was the only reason why he’d allowed himself, Mollie and Kris to drift along like this for so long.

Kristin was right. They had to move on, one way or another. And the one way he couldn’t countenance was not to have her in his life.

He took a deep breath, blew it out. The more he thought about it, the more a marriage between them made sense. He wanted it. Wanted her. But not just for the sex, although he was still stunned at how hot and wild the passion between them could flare—

‘‘You look as nervous as I feel.’’

He spun around and there she stood in the doorway. The aqua sweater set off her fair skin and made her eyes look even greener by contrast. It hugged her curves and the short skirt showed off her shapely legs, reminding him of how effectively she’d hidden herself from the world for so long.

‘‘Why did you do that?’’ he asked before he could stop himself.

‘‘Do what?’’ She looked puzzled as she walked forward and took the seat he indicated on the couch.

He made a general up-and-down motion that encompassed her figure. ‘‘You used to wear baggy shirts and jeans all the time. Now you look…you look like a woman.’’

Her face crinkled into amusement but a pretty blush crept into her cheeks as she laughed aloud. ‘‘If that was a compliment, thanks.’’

He felt his face heat as well, but he said calmly, ‘‘Oh, it was. Let me rephrase that. Now you have curves that drive a man wild just thinking about what you look like beneath your clothes. That drive
me
wild,’’ he amended, looking her straight in the eye.

She looked away first. ‘‘Wow.’’ She blew out a breath. ‘‘I can’t get used to talking like this with you.’’

He used the opportunity to lower himself beside her, stretching out his long legs, slipping out of his shoes and crossing his ankles with his heels propped atop the solid coffee table before them. Kristin was sitting bolt upright beside him as he slouched down onto his spine, and he took her by the elbow and tugged her backward, sliding his arm around her at the same time. Smooth, if he did say so himself.

She allowed him to draw her close but he could tell she was still stiff and ill at ease, so he picked up the remote off the arm of the couch. ‘‘Want to catch the news?’’

They sat in silence for a long while, absorbing the top stories of the day. It was largely depressing stuff, focused on political maneuverings, war and civil upheaval around the globe, spectacular fatalities and grim reports of worldwide illness and famine. After a while, Kristin sighed. ‘‘I’m probably crazy to be considering bringing more children into this world, aren’t I?’’

The atmosphere in the room changed instantly but he forced himself to stay relaxed. She didn’t look at him, but kept her gaze directed at the television, so he followed suit. ‘‘Deb and I talked a lot about that, before we decided to have children,’’ he said. ‘‘But I think seeing the news like this gives you an inflated feeling of pessimism. There’s a lot of good in the world as well. It just doesn’t make for great ratings like the bad stuff does.’’

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her smile. ‘‘Well put. And probably true.’’

He took a deep breath. ‘‘So…you want children?’’

She turned her head and looked straight at him. ‘‘I want
your
children.’’ There was a small, electric silence, and she hurried on. ‘‘I’d like Mollie to have at least one sibling. I was an only child and always envied kids with brothers and sisters. They seemed more like a real family to me.’’

I want your children
. All he could seem to think about was how they were going to create those children, and he felt his body stirring and responding to the images he couldn’t shove out of his brain. Then he realized she was still speaking.

‘‘…thought any more about whether or not you want more kids?’’

‘‘Yeah,’’ he said. ‘‘I mean, I have, and I think you’re right. Mollie should have siblings. And honestly, I don’t just want more children because of Mollie. I like being a father. I always imagined we’d have several…’’ He let the sentence trail off, realizing that it probably wasn’t such a great idea to talk about his first wife to the one he hoped to marry next, even if it was Kristin, who’d known and loved her, too.