Ready to Love Again (Sweet Romance #2) (23 page)

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, wishing as hard as I can that Lys will know when it’s time to move on and that she will do exactly that. Please, if there is a God, I pray that my wife is able to live a long, fulfilling life. That means she needs to find someone new, marry him, have children with him and enjoy every day as if it were her last. If there is one thing I have learned recently, it is that life is too short to just sit around mourning her loss. I need her to realise that too. So please, give her a helping hand, guide her in the direction of the acceptance of my loss and the ability to do what she must—grant her the serenity to accept that which she cannot change, and the courage to move forward in her life.

Alyssa, if you ever read this, I beg this of you, move on. My last wish in this life is for you to just accept change. One day, a man will walk into your life and you will rebuff him, I know that, but I want you to know that I give you my blessing to remarry and have the life I wanted to give you. The right man will come along and when he does, you will know that it’s okay to love again. I know you’ll find it hard, but it’s something I want you to do.

I am tired, so very tired. The ALS is taking its toll and I know that I haven’t got long left on this Earth. Alyssa is doing everything she can to make life as comfortable as possible and I couldn’t love her any more than I do in this moment. She helps me do the things I can no longer do and whilst I am grateful for that, I am also angry at myself, at my body, for not being able to do the little things for myself. I can only hope that one day after I am gone, someone will be there to take care of Lys the way she is taking care of me. If she is ill, he will nurse her back to health. If she is sad, he will make her laugh. If she is happy, he will be happy too. He deserves to see the light come back into her eyes. He will love her, cherish her, protect her from harm and never let her down. She will make someone very happy. Her laugh is infectious, her whole attitude towards life is beyond amazing. She makes every day worth living for.

I must end this entry here, I am beyond exhausted, but I hope to be able to write again before I lose the ability.

Ethan.

I cried more or less from the first sentence and didn’t stop long after I had finished reading. These were Ethan’s last thoughts, his last wishes for me. How could this be how he felt? He was thinking about my life beyond him and I couldn’t comprehend it. Justine handed me some tissues and I dried my eyes, sitting there with my head in my hands, refusing to meet her gaze.

“This is why I’m here, Lys. I was wrong before. Reading this showed me just how much.”

I couldn’t form a response. What words were there to say? My husband wanted me to find someone else. He wanted me to be given all the things we wanted but never had the time to achieve. We had really wanted children, but wanted to have stable careers and a nice house first. After finding a nice house and suitable jobs, we had begun trying for children, though we didn’t tell anyone. Then Ethan was diagnosed with ALS and he refused to try anymore. He knew there was only a small chance of them getting ‘familial ALS’ but he said he wouldn’t take the risk. So children weren’t in our future. But I accepted that and made my peace with it because Ethan was my life.

“Lys, please, say something. I don’t care what you say or if you shout or scream, just say something,” Justine urged.

“I…can’t.”

“You can’t shut yourself off, honey, please. I’m here for you, you know that. I thought it was only fair to let you read this for yourself.”

Unable to say anything, I wrapped my arms around myself and sat quietly rocking back and forth. After a while, Justine left me alone and went downstairs to the boys. I left the diary on the bed and went to my bedroom. I locked the door and went to my en-suite to start the water running for a shower. I undressed and stood under the scalding hot water, hoping that it would make me feel something except this emptiness and sadness inside.

Making my way downstairs a short while later, I heard the boys’ laughter ring through the hall and was hit with a pang of envy. I had badly wanted a family of our own but Ethan was gone too soon. I felt robbed. Not only had I lost my husband, I had lost my chance to have a family.

I went into the lounge where the boys were playing and Justine sat on the couch with Gage, looking on as their boys’ laughter filled the room. I felt a small smile touch my face as I watched the brothers playing with the toys they had brought with them. This was my family now. Since Ethan was gone, the last ties I had to him were his sister, brother-in-law, and nephews. I didn’t see his parents much after his death, they had retreated into themselves the same way I did, then I left Fareham and I hadn’t seen them since.

“Anyone want a coffee?” I asked, startling Justine from where she had been resting.

“Sure, I’ll get it, you come and sit down,” she replied as she got to her feet.

I followed her into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry about before. I just needed time to form a coherent thought,” I confessed as I watched her put the pot on to boil.

“Don’t be sorry, sweetie, I understand. We’re here for another couple of days, and if you’re ready before we go, then you and me can sit and have a chat. If not, you know my number and you can ring me anytime.”

“Thanks, Phylis.”

She smiled at my old nickname for her and instantly I felt somewhat better, like a weight had been lifted. We had fallen out but now we were on even ground again. We walked into the lounge, coffees in hand, and settled down to watch some mindless television. I was glad that Justine knew me so well and didn’t want to push conversation about Ethan’s diary or anything related to him and the past.

***

Over the next couple of days, I went into work while Justine and the boys stayed at mine or went sight-seeing, not that there was all that much to see. Chase wasn’t at work and though part of me wanted to call him to see if he was okay, I knew I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. Justine and I had talked in the evenings when I returned home and she was helping me to see that Ethan was right and I needed to move on. I found myself confessing to everything between Chase and me. Having been prepared for her to jump on me for my lies last time she was here, I was surprised when she said she thought there was more to it than I had let on. She said that was one of the reasons she had left, the fact that she felt I wasn’t telling her the whole truth. I apologised for lying and she understood that I hadn’t been ready to tell her everything.

Wednesday morning came and still I didn’t see Chase’s car in the car park. At lunch, I asked Lexi if she had seen him. She said she hadn’t and she had extra work to do because he had booked the entire week off. She said she wasn’t privy to the reason why he was off, all she knew was that he wouldn’t be back until the following Monday. I lost myself in my work and then went home to spend my last evening with Justine and the boys, knowing they were leaving early the next morning.

***

“So he wasn’t in all day Monday, Tuesday, or today?” Justine asked as I set about making something for dinner.

“Nope, and he’s not due back in until Monday,” I said, feeling disheartened.

“You have to talk to him before then, Lys. I know I was against it in the beginning, but reading Ethan’s diary made me question my motives. I wasn’t being the best friend I could be, because I wasn’t supporting you in your choice. I sat with Gage and talked it over and he told me that it wasn’t about my grief and that you weren’t going to forget about Ethan, you just want to be happy. I’m sorry I was such a crappy friend, I want to put this right,” she said as she picked up my phone from where it rested on the side in the kitchen.

“What are you doing with that?” I asked, trying to grab it back. She evaded my every attempt and then walked out of the room. I followed after her but she moved quicker than I did and locked herself in the bathroom. No amount of banging on the door was making her open it.

Ten minutes later, she joined me in the kitchen.

“Whatever you’re making for dinner, it’s going to have to wait. You have plans,” she said as she started putting things away.

“What? My only plans are to spend your last night here with you.” I huffed and started taking things back out of the fridge.

Justine went round and put everything back, and no amount of arguing was getting her to do as I wanted.

“What the hell is going on, Phylis?”

“Just go and take a shower, then dress in something like your butt-hugging jeans and a cute t-shirt. I refuse to tell you what’s going on but we,” she indicated the two of us, “are going out.”

There was no point arguing with her when she was like this. The look on her face brooked no argument. I went upstairs and got in the shower. Wondering where we were going, I didn’t know what to wear or whether to bother with makeup. But if we were going out for drinks to say goodbye, then I guessed I should get made-up.

Drying myself from the shower, I went to my closet and found the jeans that Justine had instructed me to wear. I looked at my rack of t-shirts and blouses and selected a t-shirt with a quote from John Green’s book
The Fault in Our Stars
. I found my favourite black Converse and my leather jacket. They were two staples of a night out, unless the night called for a little black dress, of course. I sat at my dresser and dried my hair. I pinned it away from my face and put on my makeup, not that I ever wear a lot of it, I like it to look as natural as possible. As I was about to straighten my hair, Justine barrelled into the room and took the straighteners from me and grabbed my curling tongs instead.

“Are you still not telling me where we’re going?” I asked as she began to loosely curl my hair. “You don’t even know anyplace around here.”

“No, that’s why I called Clark. I told him I wanted to have some fun on my last night here and he told me the best place was that club we went to after bowling.”

“I can’t go to Club Scarlett like this!” I indicated my choice of clothing.

“Why not? You’re not on the pull, are you?” She winked in the mirror at me.

“No, but…”

“No buts, you look great,” she butted in.

“Fine.” I sighed and let her get on with styling my hair.

Twenty minutes later, I was set to go and Justine went to get ready. She came out of the spare room dressed in skinny jeans and a purple chiffon blouse. She looked gorgeous, as always.

“Call us a cab, hun, we’re not driving.”

“But what about dinner? And what about the boys?” I asked as I reached for the house phone.

“We can grab something while we’re out and Gage has the number for a takeaway for him and the boys.”

I guessed she wanted to cheer me up on her last night here, so I went with the flow. I called a cab and we waited for it to arrive. I kissed the boys goodnight, knowing we wouldn’t be back by their bedtime.

Chapter

Thirty-Three

We arrived at Club Scarlett and I was doing my best to act more cheerful than I’d felt all day. The cloakroom attendant took our jackets and we made our way to the bar.

“What can I get for you two beautiful ladies?” the barman asked.

“Two cosmopolitans, please,” Justine answered before I had chance to open my mouth.

Drinks in hand, we went to find somewhere to sit. The last time I had been here was the night she caught me kissing Chase. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable about being back, but tried to hide my discomfort for her sake.

Justine was in the mood for dancing so I was glad to have worn my Converse for comfort sake. The DJ wasn’t playing the sort of music I particularly liked, it was all Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, that kind of stuff. Then a tune came on that I loved, “Earned It” by The Weeknd. I felt arms envelope me and assumed it was Justine, as I couldn’t see her in front of me. Without turning round, knowing no stranger would touch me without getting their ass kicked by Justine, I let the rhythm of the song take me and I swayed in her arms, my eyes closed and my body moving in time with hers. I put my head back on her shoulder and opened my eyes. Her smile shone down at me and I was glad she was letting her hair down and having some fun.

The opening bars of “All of Me” by John Legend came over the speakers and I felt Justine’s arms loosen momentarily then she put them back round me and pulled me close. Turning me to face her, I opened my eyes again. Only it wasn’t Justine’s eyes that stared hard into mine. Those green eyes belonged to the last person I expected to see here tonight. He pulled me close and moved me to the slow rhythm of the song. I tried to speak, but he put his finger to my lips before laying his hand at the base of my spine. We swayed in the middle of the dance floor, and though I was a little confused, I couldn’t hide that it made me happy to be in his arms. I looked over his shoulder and saw Justine with a mega-watt grin on her face before she disappeared into the mass of dancers on the floor.

As the song ended, Chase took my hand in his and led me back to the booth Justine and I were sitting in. I was surprised to see Clark and Jenny there with Lexi and Caine too. I knew Justine was behind it and I couldn’t help but smile at my friend’s thoughtfulness. She was gently nudging me in Chase’s direction and for that, I was glad.

The seven of us sat and chatted. Chase was next to me and his thigh kept brushing against mine. I wasn’t sure where we would go from here, but he was here with me and I didn’t intend to let him go. Somewhere, somehow I had realised that although the words remained unspoken, the feelings in my heart for him were real. I didn’t have to let Ethan go fully, instead there was room in my heart for them both. I would always love Ethan, but I couldn’t keep living in the past. I needed to look to the future and hopefully that future involved Chase, if he would still have me.

***

As it was a work night, we decided to leave the club around ten. Everyone went their separate ways and soon it was just me, Justine, and Chase. You couldn’t miss the smile on her face as she looked at the two of us. Chase looked unsure what to do with himself; he fidgeted on the spot, hands in his pockets. He looked rather adorable. And handsome. He was dressed in a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt, but he still looked every inch the GQ cover model.

Our cab arrived and Justine gave me a funny look as she got in. I was just about to say goodbye to Chase when she shut the door.

“What are you doing, Phylis? Very funny. Ha. Ha.”

She mimed being unable to hear me and though I tried my best to open the door, she wasn’t budging, meaning I had to walk around the other side. As I walked round the back of the cab, he suddenly pulled off and all I saw was Justine smiling and waving goodbye. I was about to call another cab when I got a text.

Justine: Sorry, didn’t I tell you, you are going back with Chase tonight.

I read and re-read the text to be sure I had got it right. She expected me to go back with Chase? Well, that wasn’t happening. This was her and the boys’ last night here and I wasn’t letting them spend it at mine without me there.

I tapped out furiously.

Alyssa: Funny. I’m getting another cab and coming home. See you shortly

Justine: Nope. Not happening missy. Do as Phylis tells you. I’ve already spoken to Chase about it.

I read that last part out loud and he just looked at me, feigning innocence. I tapped out her number and waited for her to answer the phone.

“Lys, I’ve told you once, I won’t tell you again. Chase promised to have you back by morning so you can come and say goodbye,”

“Morning? What the fuck…?” Chase took the phone from my hand and hung up before I could say anything else.

“What the hell, Chase? What do you think you’re doing?” I stomped my feet like a toddler.

“I’m taking you home with me, the cab is on its way,” he replied with a smirk. That dimple had me nearly melt into a puddle there and then.

“I can’t, Chase. It’s Justine and the boys’ last night here.” I tried to grab my phone back but he slipped it into his pocket.

“It’s Justine’s plan. She’s good with me dropping you home in the morning before they leave.”

I wanted to throw a tantrum worthy of any two year old being told no. It didn’t seem I had much choice, but I am the kind of person who likes to be in charge of her own decisions and this one being made for me was all the more infuriating. Though I couldn’t really complain if it meant spending the night with Chase. I waited until our cab pulled up, got in, and slammed the door hard, making it known that I was not happy.

“Lys, calm down for goodness sake. Chill out,” Chase said, snaking an arm around me.

I sat in my seat and refused to snuggle into his side, even though I really wanted to. If he wanted me to give in, he was in for a challenge.

We arrived at Chase’s house not long later. He paid the driver and took me by the hand, leading me towards the front door. I was dragging my heels and still being as stubborn as possible, even though the longer I spent in his company, the more I wanted to cave.

Chase let us in and headed for the kitchen. There he opened a bottle of wine, Echo Falls Summer Berries, which happened to be one of mine and Justine’s favourites. I’d never been much of a wine drinker, usually opting for a beer instead, but she’d got me drinking this gorgeous rose when it came out.

I sat at the kitchen island as he poured two large glasses. He put mine down in front of me with a grin. That bloody dimple in his cheek would be the death of me. It had me wanting to reach over and kiss it. I restrained myself from showing any signs of wanting to be there. I took my wine and headed for the lounge.

“I want you to know I’m here against my will,” I said as I sipped my wine and sat in his favourite armchair.

“You know where the door is, Lys, you can leave anytime you like, but I should warn you, Justine said she was making sure to lock your door tonight to prevent you from going home,” he said as he sat on his corner suite, looking at me with a triumphant grin—some may even be tempted to call it his shit-eating grin.

“I should have known she was up to something when she told me to get ready to go out,” I pouted.

“Hindsight is great, but how about instead of thinking about that, you think about why she wants you to be here.”

“Because she’s a meddling cow?” I mused, taking a long gulp of my wine.

“Now now, is that any way to talk about your best friend?”

“Yes, it is. I’m telling the truth. She loves to meddle!”

“She wants you to be happy.”

“She may want me to be happy, but how does she know what’s best for me? Isn’t that up to me?”

I was keeping up the act of sulking, but I was also wondering why Justine had set this up. Not so long ago, she had been vehemently against the idea of me moving on. But now here she was forcing us together. Admittedly, I was hardly struggling against being with Chase, but it would be nice to be able to do things on my own terms. However, if she’d left me to my own devices, I probably wouldn’t have got round to it for a lot longer. So in a way I should be thanking her. Not that I’d be letting her know that right away.

“So why am I here exactly?” I asked, draining my glass in one gulp.

“To deplete my reserves of wine by the looks of it.” Chase chuckled as he got up and went to retrieve the bottle.

“I’m serious,” I said as he entered the room and topped up my glass.

“She wanted us to have a talk. She thinks we have unresolved things to talk over.”

“Like what?” I huffed, crossing my arms.

“Well, I don’t know what you have to say to me, so I’ll go first if you like?”

“Fine by me. Is there somewhere I can go for a cigarette?”

“Sure, let’s go to the veranda. We can talk there just as easily, you won’t escape it, you know.”

“I wasn’t expecting to, I just want a cigarette.”

He took my hand and pulled me from the chair. He didn’t let go as he led me to the veranda. I looked out at his back garden and then up at the night sky. It was so clear and beautiful. I closed my eyes as the cool breeze played with my hair. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one. Chase did the same.

“So, you wanted to go first. What is it you need to say to me?”

I walked over to the wicker furniture he had set out on the veranda and sat down. Chase followed, an ashtray in hand. He cleared his throat and played with the collar of his shirt. He was nervous, but I didn’t know why. He’d already told me he loved me, what could make him more nervous than that?

“Well…Umm…It’s kind of a long story, but in a nutshell, I am divorced. Have been for three years. She had a miscarriage and it forced a wedge between us. I still loved her dearly, but she couldn’t accept what had happened and wanted to move away and start afresh. I didn’t want to move and so she moved away alone.”

I could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke. Clearly this wasn’t easy for him to talk about.

“I’m so sorry, Chase. I had no idea.”

“Don’t be sorry. I don’t get close to people, never tell them the truth about my past. But you’re different, I want to tell you. I don’t want to have any secrets from you. You know I love you, and if we stand any chance of a future, you need to know that there are no skeletons in my closet. Katalina and I weren’t meant to be, but I understand now that it was because you were meant to come into my life and show me what real love felt like.”

I didn’t know what to say. How do you comfort someone when you have no idea of the pain they must be feeling? Chase stubbed out one cigarette, only to go and light another. He took a large swig from his glass and cleared his throat.

“Alyssa, I don’t want your pity. I can see it in your eyes, but honestly, I don’t need it. We weren’t the happiest couple in the world before the miscarriage, it was just the last straw for us, well, it was for her, anyway. I tried to get her to stay but she needed to get away and I needed to stay here. I have a good job and I’m happy here, where Parker and Emily-Rose are. My family mean the world to me. Katalina was a wonderful woman. Passionate, fiery, fiercely independent. But we weren’t meant to be. She was free-spirited and didn’t like to be tied to one place for too long. Brockwood held no appeal for her. We’d split up before the miscarriage. It was a trial separation, then she found out she was pregnant and we got back together for the sake of the baby. But then she miscarried only a few short weeks later and then she realised she didn’t want the same as I did anymore. She knew she had to leave to get herself sorted. And that’s what she did. She’s married to someone else now and they just had a baby.”

“Oh.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I took his hand in mine. He looked into my eyes and held my gaze for a few moments before stubbing out his cigarette and downing the last of his wine.

“I don’t expect you to know what to say. You don’t have to say anything. I’m perfectly okay with her having moved on. I wasn’t at first, but I got over it. I was happy being single until you came along. You were like a breath of fresh air. You opened my mind to the possibility of dating again and then before I knew what was happening, I was in love with you.”

Not knowing what to say, I got up and sat next to him. I put my arm around him and let him lean back into my embrace.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Chase,” I whispered.

“So neither of us have skeletons in the closet now. I know about Ethan and you know about Katalina.”

“We have a clean slate, a chance to make each other happy. We can move slowly, take baby steps,” I said as a stray tear slid down my face.