Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5) (19 page)

She looked around the playground where the children played softball, swung on the swing set, laughed in groups, and whipped down the slide. Was she even the right candidate to teach these children? They depended on her to teach the
Ordnung
and morality, along with reading, writing, and arithmetic. What did she know about morality when she’d gotten drunk with Mahlon and his friends, lost her friendships with Tristan and Joshua, and caused heartache for her parents?

The questions continued to haunt her while she helped the mothers clean up the picnic luncheon and then bid them
good-bye. Once everything was straightened, Lydia and Barbie moved into the schoolhouse, where they finished preparing to close the school for the summer.

“I’ve spoken to the school board about the roof and how it leaks during a bad rainstorm,” Barbie said while gathering up her books and placing them into her bag. “They said they will repair it over the summer.”

Lydia smiled. “That’s
gut
.”

Barbie motioned toward the first row of desks. “Let’s sit and talk for a moment.”

Lydia sank into a desk chair next to Barbie and her anticipation swelled. “What did you want to discuss?”

“Stephen asked me to marry him last night!” Barbie’s grin was wide, and her cheeks flushed a bright pink.

“Oh, Barbie!” Lydia exclaimed, hugging her. “That is
wunderbaar gut
! I’m so
froh
for you!”

“
Danki
,” Barbie said, wiping tears from her eyes. “I can’t believe how
froh
I am.” She cleared her throat. “It’s a secret right now, but I wanted you to know so you can talk to the school board when you’re ready.”

“Okay. I’ll start thinking about what I want to do.”

Barbie looked surprised. “I thought we talked about this, and you decided you want to be the teacher.”

“I know, but I’m still having some doubts.”

Barbie touched Lydia’s arm. “You’ll be a
wunderbaar
teacher. Don’t doubt yourself so much. The scholars love you, and it would be easier for you to transition in than for someone from another district.” She glanced at the clock and then jumped up. “I didn’t realize how late it is. I need to get home. I’m making supper for my grandparents tonight.” She grabbed her bag and started for the door. “I’ll see you Sunday at service.”

Lydia smiled. “I’ll see you. Go on, and I’ll lock up. Congratulations again. Please tell Stephen congratulations for me.”

“
Danki
. I will.” Barbie waved and then headed out into the sunshine.

Standing, Lydia moved to the front of the classroom and imagined herself as the teacher, calling the students up to complete math problems on the board and teaching the first graders how to write in English. Her shoulders tensed, and her stomach ached at the thought of being responsible for the children and their education. How could she possibly take that on?

She gathered up her supplies and headed home. She was relieved when she found her grandmother sitting on the porch and drinking meadow tea.

“Wie
geht’s?
”
Mammi
asked as Lydia sank onto the swing beside her.

“I’m fine,” Lydia replied, dropping her bag onto the porch with a thud. “I’m surprised to see you here this afternoon.”

Her grandmother smiled. “Your
mamm
used the phone in your family’s phone shanty and called me at the bakery. She said she really needed to take a nap and asked me to come watch over Ruthie. She was afraid she wouldn’t wake up if Ruthie needed her. They’re both sleeping now, and Irma and Titus are taking care of their chores.”

“That’s
gut
,” Lydia said with a yawn. “I wish you could’ve been there today to see the
kinner’s
play. It was really cute.”

“I know,”
Mammi
said with a frown. “I’d hoped to come and surprise you and your siblings, but I couldn’t leave your
mamm
.”

“I understand.” Lydia smoothed her blue dress over her legs. “The weather is
schee
.”

“
Ya
, it is,”
Mammi
said, her expression turning more serious. “You look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your slight shoulders. Would you like to discuss something while your siblings are occupied?”

“That would be nice.” Lydia stared off across the pasture at the dandelions dancing in the gentle breeze. “I’m conflicted about something, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Go on.”

“How do you know if you’re on the path God has chosen for you?” She turned to her grandmother. “I’ve been contemplating it and praying about it, but I’m still confused.”

Mammi
rubbed her chin while deep in thought. “I would say that you know you’re on the right path when what you’re doing feels right.”

“That makes sense,” Lydia said, nodding slowly. “But I’m not certain I would know if it felt right. I keep wondering if I’m missing that feeling. How do I know for sure?”

Mammi
tilted her head in question. “Does this have anything to do with being a teacher?”

Lydia bit her bottom lip and considered sharing all her thoughts. “Can you keep a secret,
Mammi
?”

“Of course I can.” She placed her glass of meadow tea on the table beside her. “You can tell me anything and it will be kept between me and God.”

“Barbie told me Stephen asked her to marry him,” Lydia said. “She wants me to talk to the school board about being their teacher next year. Even though the board normally chooses a new teacher from another district, she thinks they will seriously consider me. But I don’t know if I’m the right person for the job.”

“Why not?”
Mammi
asked. “You love teaching, don’t you?”

“But I love working at the bakery too, and you need me there.” Lydia folded her hands in her lap. “I don’t want to leave you when you need the bakers to keep up with the tourists.”

Mammi
touched Lydia’s cheek. “You’re such a sweet
maedel
. You don’t have to turn down a full-time teaching opportunity for the bakery. I’ll make do. Of course we’ll miss you, but I can find another baker to take your place if the Lord leads you to the teaching position.”

“That’s not all,” Lydia said softly. “I don’t think in my heart that I’m the right person for the job.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just don’t know if I would be the best role model for the scholars,” Lydia said.

Mammi
chuckled and swatted Lydia’s leg. “Oh, you’re so
gegisch
, Lydia. You’re a fine role model. You’re just
naerfich
, but you’ll know what to do. You’ve been the assistant for two years now. Teaching will be as familiar as putting on an old sweater after a month or two. It will come naturally to you.”

Lydia gazed toward the pasture and considered telling her grandmother about her indiscretion with Mahlon, about how she’d ruined her friendships with Tristan and Joshua, and about hurting her parents. But she knew it would break her grandmother’s heart to know she’d strayed so far from the
Ordnung
.

Turning back to her grandmother, Lydia rubbed her neck where the tension seemed to gather.

“You should pray about it,”
Mammi
said, and Lydia could feel the knot in her neck tighten. “The Lord will give you the answer, and you’ll suddenly wake up one day knowing you’re meant to be the teacher or that you’re meant to work in the bakery. God will present the response to you when he’s ready, and you’ll know.”

“Okay,” Lydia said. “I will.”
I just hope God gives me a clear answer
.

“I came across a verse this morning when I was reading,”
Mammi
said. “It’s from Hebrews and it goes like this: ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Lydia let the Scripture roll through her mind. “God chooses our path, and he will reveal it to me when he’s ready and I’m ready to know it.”

“That’s right,”
Mammi
said, patting Lydia’s hands. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Lydia. Just open your heart in prayer, and let him guide you.”

“I will,
Mammi
,” Lydia whispered. “I will.”

S
unday morning, Lydia stood in the doorway of Ruthie’s room and watched her mother rock her baby sister while she coughed a deep, barky cough that seemed to originate down by her toes.

“Go on to church,”
Mamm
said, waving toward the door. “I told your father we will be just fine, and I meant it.”

Lydia hesitated and gripped the doorframe. “I don’t feel right about leaving you,
Mamm
. Ruthie doesn’t sound well, and you were up all night with her. I heard her coughing and you talking to her. Why don’t you let me call a driver, and we’ll take her to the emergency room? I’ll go with you and help.”

Mamm
shook her head. “I know you’re worried, and I appreciate it. But we’ll be fine. She has a scheduled doctor’s appointment tomorrow. We’ll keep that appointment instead of paying for an ER visit. We simply don’t have the money for both.”

“Lydia!” Titus called from downstairs. “Are you coming to service?
Dat
says we need to leave.”

“Go on,”
Mamm
repeated. “You can come check on me after the service,
ya
?”

“
Ya
,” Lydia agreed, although she still had a bad feeling creeping up her spine. “I’ll pray for you and Ruthie.” She hurried down the stairs and found Titus, Irma, and her father standing by the door. “I was just checking on
Mamm
. I’m worried about her and Ruthie. I tried to convince her to let me call a ride and take her to the hospital, but
Mamm
refuses.”

“I know,”
Dat
said, sounding frustrated. “Let’s go before we’re late.”

“At least we only have to walk across the pasture for the service,” Irma said as they descended the porch stairs. “It’s fun to be only next door.”

“I agree,” Lydia said. “We can check on
Mamm
after the service.”

“That’s a
gut
idea,”
Dat
said.

Lydia couldn’t stop her smile. For the first time since their argument, her father had complimented her and acknowledged her opinion. Was he finally softening toward her? Had the prayers asking God to change her father’s heart finally paid off?

They approached Joshua’s house and the sea of buggies parked by the pasture came into view. A line of horses and buggies still moved up the rock driveway from the main road, crunching their wheels on the rocks on their way toward the barn.

As Lydia and her family moved toward the driveway, she saw familiar faces she’d known since birth. She greeted family members and friends on her way to the barn, where the service would be held since the weather was warm.

Glancing up at the sky, she saw foreboding dark clouds gathering in the distance. She hoped that it wouldn’t rain and limit the fellowship to inside the barn after the service.

She heard the rocks crunch as someone ran up behind her.

“Wie
geht’s
!” Amanda called, coming up behind Lydia.

“I’m fine,” Lydia said with a shrug. “How are you doing?”

“I’m well.
Danki
.” Amanda hugged Lydia. “It’s so
gut
to see you.” Her smiled faded. “Was
iss letz
?”

Lydia shook her head. “It’s Ruthie. She had a very bad night. My
mamm
was up with her, trying to settle her down all night long. I never slept either, thinking about them.” She looked over at a group of young children playing outside the barn. “I just wish she was healthy and life could return to normal.”

With a sad smile, Amanda touched her shoulder. “I know. I’ll pray with you today.”

“
Danki
.” Lydia said. “I’m so blessed to have you in my life.”

They greeted more friends and family members, and Nancy approached them with a few of her friends. Joining Nancy and her group, Amanda and Lydia headed toward their section of the congregation. Lydia sat between Amanda and Nancy.

Glancing across the barn, Lydia wished she could see her mother sitting with her aunts. She missed having her whole family at the service.

The congregation began singing the hymns, and Lydia joined in, doing her best to focus on the words. Then the minister began the first sermon, and Lydia tried to find meaning to comfort her heart. His holy message, however, was lost to her. All she could contemplate were her worries for her sister and mother.

A tap on her shoulder startled her. Glancing over, she found Nancy leaning in close with a concerned expression on her face.

“Was
iss letz
?” Nancy whispered. “You look so distressed that your knuckles are turning white.”

“I’ve been praying for Ruthie,” Lydia said softly. “She had a very bad night.”

Nancy frowned. “I will pray extra hard too today and tonight as well.”

“
Danki
,” Lydia said.

Amanda leaned over and whispered in Lydia’s ear. “Remember what
Mammi
always tells us when we’re worried or upset.” She squeezed her hand. “Trust in God’s will. He’ll take
gut
care of her. Put all of your burdens on him.”

“I will,” Lydia said, closing her eyes again. She tried to lay her burdens on God, but the tense feeling never left her shoulders.

The first sermon ended, and Lydia knelt in silent prayer along with the rest of the congregation. After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures and then the hour-long main sermon began. Lydia felt someone staring at her, and she looked across the barn toward the young unmarried men. Her gaze scanned the sea of faces until they focused on Joshua, who was studying her while sitting between his brother, Joey, and her brother, Titus. Joshua’s eyes were full of an intensity that caused her stomach to flip-flop.

Lydia wondered what Joshua was thinking and what had caused him to stare at her that way. Was he still angry with her? She’d spent nights thinking of him and wishing she could redo the conversation they’d shared in front of the barn more than a week ago.

Then another thought struck her: Perhaps the intense stare meant something completely different. Maybe he wanted to apologize and work to rebuild their friendship. Maybe he missed her as much as she missed him. She hoped
he could find it in his heart to forgive her. Her cheeks flared with embarrassment, and she turned her eyes toward the deacon while he continued his sermon.

Lydia tried in vain to force her focus onto the sermon, but her thoughts wandered from her sister to her mother to Joshua and then to Tristan. She missed Tristan’s friendship and hoped that someday they could be friends without the negative consequences of her community.

The deacon wrapped up his sermon and directed everyone to kneel for the prayer. Opening her heart, Lydia did her best to lay her burdens at the feet of God, asking him to relieve all of the stresses that were knotted in her shoulders. When the prayer was over, Lydia and the rest of the congregation stood for the benediction, and the closing hymn was sung.

While the men began converting the benches into tables for lunch, Lydia, Amanda, and Nancy followed the rest of the women headed into the house to gather up the food from the kitchen and bring it to the barn for the lunchtime meal.

As Lydia walked, friends and relatives stopped her to ask how Ruthie was and to ask why her mother didn’t make it to the service. Lydia tried to sound upbeat and hopeful, and breathed a sigh of relief when she made it to the kitchen and was able to fetch a tray filled with condiments, including mustard, mayonnaise, and relish. But when she delivered it out to the tables filled with food in the barn, she was subjected to more questions.

“Are you okay?” Amanda asked, placing her homemade bread next to Lydia’s tray. “You looked upset while you were telling everyone about Ruthie.”

“I’m fine,” Lydia said, pushing the ribbons from her prayer covering behind her shoulders. “Did I really look upset? I was trying my best to seem positive.”

Amanda touched Lydia’s arm. “You weren’t ever a very good liar.”

Lydia snorted. “I’ve heard that a lot lately,” she muttered.

Amanda glanced around the barn and her expression turned devious.

“What are you thinking?” Lydia asked with interest.

“No one is paying any attention to us, right?” Amanda asked.

“Right,” Lydia said.

“Why don’t we quickly make our plates and go find a quiet place to sit away from everyone?” Amanda suggested. “No one has to know that we didn’t serve the food. Plenty of young women are around to help the men get what they need. You look like you really need to just relax.”

“That sounds
wunderbaar
.” Lydia started for the food table. “Let’s do it.”

They filled their plates and headed outside, moving toward a spot under some trees next to a small pond. They sank into the green, lush grass, and Lydia breathed a sigh of relief. This was exactly what she needed.

Amanda bit into a piece of cheese. “Now, tell me everything that’s upsetting you.”

“There’s so much,” Lydia said with a sigh. “I’ve been so worried about Ruthie, but that’s not all. I had a horrible argument with my
dat
last week.”

Amanda’s eyes rounded. “You didn’t tell me.”

“I was too embarrassed,” Lydia said. “The argument is why I can’t go to youth gatherings anymore. I’m grounded for the rest of my life, I think.”

“I’d wondered why you didn’t make it to the gathering last Sunday. I had assumed Ruthie was sick, and your
mamm
needed your help.” Amanda shook her head while looking surprised. “What happened with your
dat
?”

Lydia bit into a pickle and then told Amanda how she came home from Tristan’s house and argued with Joshua and then her father. But she left out the part where Joshua shared that he found out about her secret from Mahlon.

Amanda listened silently, her eyes wide with shock.

“That’s why I’ve been so upset lately,” Lydia continued. “I feel as if in the last week I’ve lost my father, Joshua, and my friendship with Tristan.”

Looking empathic, Amanda lifted her cup of meadow tea. “I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I had no idea you were going through so much. Have you apologized to your
dat
?”

“I’ve tried,” Lydia said lifting her cup. “Nothing has worked.” She took a drink and then put the cup back on the ground beside her.

“That has to hurt your feelings,” Amanda said between bites of a peanut butter sandwich.

“It has,” Lydia said, forking her red beets. “But I spoke with my
mamm
about it, and she suggested I just keep doing what I’m doing, and let him come around in his own time. I’ve been praying about it, which is helping me work through my guilt.”

“Praying is likely the best thing for you and your
dat
,” Amanda said. “It sounds like he was very upset, so it may take him longer to get over it.”

Lydia chewed her beets. “My
mamm
said the same thing, and I think you’re both right. In fact, this morning was the first time he treated me normally. I think maybe the Lord is softening his heart.”

Amanda picked up a pickle. “That’s
gut
news.” She tilted her head. “What about Joshua?”

“I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since our argument.” Lydia sighed.

“You’re always so negative.” Amanda wagged a finger at her. “Maybe you cleared the air on some things that needed to be said. Just give him time to think about it.”

“It’s not that simple, Amanda.” Lydia shook her head. She wished she could tell Amanda the whole truth and share about the night with Mahlon, but she worried about what Amanda thought of her. Also, if Amanda felt the obligation to tell an adult, then Lydia would be in more trouble. If the secret got out, it would cause more stress for her father. Although Lydia knew she would deserve the punishment, she couldn’t add to her parents’ problems.

“Like I said earlier,” Amanda began with a mouth full of pickle, “you’re always so negative. You look for the worst possible scenario and go with it.” She smiled. “If your parents let you go to a youth gathering, maybe you can get him to drive you and take you home. That would give you plenty of time to talk in private and work through the things that upset you both,
ya
?”

Lydia shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m grounded, remember? I don’t see how I could convince my
dat
to let me go to a gathering after the awful things I said to him.”

“We’re taught to forgive,” Amanda said. “Your
dat
will forgive you.”

Lydia glanced toward her house. “I really should go check on my
mamm
and Ruthie.”

“Finish your lunch first,” Amanda said. “Once we’re done, I’ll walk over with you. I’d love to see your
mamm
and Ruthie. It’s been awhile.”

“Okay,” Lydia said, chewing a piece of peanut butter and fluff. “But we should hurry up.”

“So, you aren’t talking to your
English freind
anymore?” Amanda asked.

Lydia shook her head. “We had words a couple of weeks ago. I told him the perception of our friendship wasn’t
gut
for me. He was really offended, and I can’t blame him. The
English
don’t need to worry about perception as much as we do. They don’t have all the pressures either.”

Amanda looked at Lydia with a curious expression. “How close were you to Tristan?”

Lydia shrugged. “We talked occasionally, but Barbie warned me to stay away from him. She said it might ruin my chances of becoming teacher next year.”

“Next year?” Amanda grinned. “She’s engaged?”

Lydia groaned and covered her face with her hand. “Oh no. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.”

“Don’t worry,” Amanda began with the wave of her hand. “Your secret is safe with me. You must be so excited! You could be a teacher.”

“I
could
be,” Lydia emphasized the word. “There’s a chance that I won’t be. They may want someone from another district, and I’ll either have to stay on as assistant or go to another district. On top of that, I don’t know what I want to do.”

Amanda’s expression changed to surprise. “Don’t you want to be teacher? I thought that was your goal.”