Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5) (18 page)

She faced him as they stood a foot from the porch, where her father was glaring down at her.

“Mahlon didn’t give your name,” Joshua whispered. “I told him not to. Actually, I sort of threatened him, and he promised that he didn’t.”

Before she could respond, Joshua trotted across the pasture toward his house. She watched him, wondering why he would defend her if he said he didn’t know her anymore. Suddenly a glimmer of hope swelled deep inside of her as she wondered if his actions meant he could possibly still care for her.

“Lydia Jane,” her father snapped. “Get up here on the porch.
Now
.”

Lydia pushed any possible happy thoughts away as she stood at the bottom of the stairs, ready to face her father, no matter what the repercussions could be. She’d lost her friendships with Joshua and with Tristan. What would it matter if she were grounded for the rest of the year or if she were sent away? She didn’t have any reason to go to singings if she had no chance of being with the boy she’d loved since childhood and would love the rest of her life.

Climbing the stairs, her feet moved slowly as if she were fighting her way through quicksand with the weight of the world resting on her shoulders.

Dat
stood in front of her, his expression full of fury. “What do you have to say for yourself, Lydia Jane?”

Angry tears collected in her eyes. While a million excuses floated through her head, she couldn’t form a coherent response. Instead, she looked toward the pasture, where Joshua was nearing his house.

“Lydia!” Her father bellowed again. “Not only are you ignoring my question, but you’re not even acknowledging my presence. Where does this blatant disrespect and disobedience come from? You were disrespectful the night you demanded to know why you couldn’t go to the singing. And now you’re disrespecting me again.”

Facing him, she squared her shoulders and angled her chin with a sudden surge of confidence. “I’ve done nothing wrong.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Is that how you feel? You think you can run around with your
English freinden
and skip your chores at the house? You have responsibilities. You know that your
schweschder
is ill, and your
mamm
has her hands full. It’s your job to come home at night and make supper and complete your chores. I resent your teaching your siblings that it’s okay to do what you wish without consequences.”

She wiped away a frustrated tear as rage pooled within her.

“Are you going to answer me?” he demanded, folding his arms over his chest. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m tired of this,” she said. “I want our normal life back. I want to be a normal sixteen-year-old
maedel
who works, does her chores, and spends time with her
freinden
. I don’t
want to be accused and scorned when I want to have a life beyond this
haus
.”

Shaking his head, he glowered. “That is not for us to decide. We have to follow God’s plan, and his plan is for us to care for Ruthie. You can’t run off whenever you please.”

“I don’t want to carry the load for this family anymore,” she blurted out, her voice trembling and pitched higher than usual. “I want to live my life, not a life that is dictated to me. I want to be like Nancy and Amanda and go to youth gatherings and laugh with my
freinden
. I’m missing out on too much, and it’s not fair!”

“You’re out of line!” His voice shook. “I don’t know where this attitude has come from, but I feel like I don’t know you anymore. What’s happened to you? Who have you become, Lydia? You’re not the
maedel
your
mamm
and I raised.”

She gasped. His words stung as much as Joshua’s.

“You would break your
mamm’s
heart if she heard this disrespect,” he continued.

“Maybe she should know,” Lydia continued. “Maybe she should hear me say that I’m tired of not being appreciated.”

“You’re tired of not being appreciated?” He gave a sarcastic snort. “Do you know how hard I’ve been working? I’ve been taking triple shifts installing floors. Our hospital bills for Ruthie are piling up, and I’m breaking my back trying to pay some of them. But no matter how much I work, it’s never enough money. Do you know how that feels?” He pointed toward the house. “Do you know why I’m home early today? Did you even think to ask?”

She shook her head.

“Your
mamm
called me because she was worried about Ruthie. She was running a high fever, and
Mamm
was worried sick.” He motioned toward the house again. “Have you
thought about how all this is affecting your
mamm
? Do you ever think of her?”

“I do,” Lydia said, her resentment mounting at his accusations. “I worry about
Mamm
all the time. I pray for her and also for Ruthie and the rest of our family. I worry about everything.”

“You do?” he asked. “I thought you only cared about going out with your friends. That’s what you said.”

“That is
not
what I said!” Lydia insisted, her body trembling. “You’re not listening to me,
Dat
. You order me around but don’t listen to how I feel.”

“Fine,” he said. “Tell me how you feel, Lydia. I’m listening now.”

“I’m missing out on all the things the youth do,” she began, but the words felt insignificant and weak after his accusations. “The
buwe
and
maed
are dating, but I’m always here at home. There’s no reason I can’t get away sometimes and be a normal sixteen-year-old. When I wanted to go to that last gathering, you wouldn’t let me!” She pointed at him, even though she knew it would only anger him more. “You wouldn’t give me a reason.”

“I don’t have to give a reason,” he fired back with fury sparking his brown eyes. “I am your
daed
, and I am the head of this household. I don’t need a reason for my decisions. It’s not your place to question me. According to the
Ordnung
, you’re to obey your parents and not question them. Don’t you remember all you’ve been taught? You’re a teacher at the school. You should know the teachings.”

She blanched at his words. “I know the
Ordnung
.”

“Do you?” he asked. “You act as if you can just do whatever you please and not live within the rules of the
Ordnung
. Are you above it all? Are you too
gut
for the Lord’s teachings?”

“No,” she said, her tears flowing with full force now. “I just want to be a normal sixteen-year-old. That’s all I want.”

“We all have things we pray for, but we have to follow the Lord’s plan,” he said. “Our life and our future aren’t for us to decide.”

She shifted her weight and wished her tears would stop flowing. But she was sobbing now and couldn’t stop.

“You don’t deserve to be a part of this family if you hold such resentment about your role in this
haus
.” He pointed toward the door. “Go! Go to your room. You’re grounded.”

She opened her mouth to protest, but he continued, his voice echoing off the porch.

“Don’t even think about going to a youth gathering,”
Dat
ordered, his face contorted with anger. “You will go to school and the bakery and then come straight home. You’ll have no contact with that
English
family or your
freinden
, except at church services. You want to be on your own? Well, you’ll be alone as much as possible. Consider it done.”

Lydia stared at him and wiped more tears.

“Go!” he said. “Stay in your room. I don’t want to see your face.”

Lydia marched into the house, dropping her bag and the cupcakes by the back door. Irma looked up from sweeping the kitchen floor with a shocked expression.

Lydia rushed through the family room past her mother, who was rocking Ruthie in a chair.

“Lydia?” her mother whispered. “Was
iss letz
?”

Lydia ran up the stairs without responding to the question.

“Lydia?” she heard her mother call. “Come sit with me in the
schtupp
.”

Lydia stomped into her bedroom, where she dropped on her bed and sobbed. Once she was out of tears, she flopped
onto her back and stared up at the ceiling as the conversations with her father and Joshua swirled through her mind. In a matter of days, she’d managed to destroy almost every relationship she had.

“What’s happening to me?” she whispered. “Are Joshua and
Dat
right? Have I changed? Am I no longer a
gut maedel
?”

She knew she needed to pray, but she couldn’t form the words. She knew she’d been disrespectful to her father, and she was ashamed—so, so ashamed. How could she possibly take back her horrible, self-centered words?

Lydia knew in her heart that her father was right — it would have broken her mother’s heart if she’d heard what Lydia had said.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “Lord, I’m so very sorry. Help me make this right. Give me the words to make my family realize that I do want to be here, and I do love them. Guide me with my friendships with Tristan and with my precious Joshua. Help me find my way back to you and your path, God.”

Closing her eyes, she continued to pray. “Lord, please heal Ruthie and give my parents strength. Please make me a good example for my siblings.”

Lydia rolled to her side and closed her eyes. She hoped she could dream now and wake up to find a new day and not this nightmare in which she was trapped.

T
he following Wednesday, Lydia stood at the stove cooking eggs and fried potatoes. She kept glancing toward the doorway, awaiting her father’s arrival.

“I can’t believe the last day of school is Friday!” Irma said as she finished setting the table. “It’s almost summer. I’m so
froh
!”

“Me too,” Titus agreed. “It’s about time.” He started toward the door. “I’ll be back.”

“I already fed the animals and got the eggs,” Lydia announced, scraping the potatoes onto a large dish. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

Titus looked shocked. “You did?”

“
Ya
.” She began cutting up another potato, which was already peeled. “You can go tell
Dat
that breakfast is almost finished.” She turned to Irma. “Would you please run down to the basement and get a couple of jars of
Dat’s
favorite preserves?”

“
Ya
,” Irma said and then headed toward the basement door.

“Why are you doing extra chores?” Titus asked, moving next to Lydia. “Are you trying to get back on
Dat’s gut
side?”

Although Titus’s observation was correct, Lydia ignored the question. Ever since her heated discussion with her father the previous week, she’d gone out of her way to be pleasant and helpful. Her parents, however, had been reticent in her company. She’d hoped by doing her best and taking on more chores, they would forgive her and their home would become a more relaxed and pleasant place.

Yet, her father seemed to either ignore or not notice all the extra things Lydia had been doing to try to make amends. Twice she’d tried to open a conversation with him about their argument, and he walked away from her, leaving her feeling cold, alone, and ostracized from her own family. After praying about it, she decided not to give up. She would keep going above and beyond with her chores and also continue to pray for reconciliation with her father.

Lydia pointed toward the counter. “Titus, would you please grab a loaf of bread from the pile I made yesterday? Also, please get the butter out and set them both on the table. There’s a basket for the bread over there.”

Shaking his head, Titus grabbed the bread and then fetched the butter from the refrigerator. “You know doing extra chores won’t make it better. You need to apologize and prove to him that you won’t be disrespectful again.” He put the bread into the basket.

Lydia faced him. “I’ve tried to apologize, but he won’t respond.”

“Keep trying,” he said with a shrug. “You know how stressed out he is. Did you hear him that night he cried a few weeks ago?”

Lydia placed the spatula on the counter. “
Ya
, I did.”

Frowning, Titus shook his head. “I’ve never seen him that upset.”

“I know,” Lydia said softly. “I realized I was wrong to behave like I did, and I just want to make it better.”

Her brother tilted his head while contemplating something. “Do you want me to help you? Maybe I could talk to
Dat
and tell him you’re really sorry.”

Reaching over, Lydia touched his arm. “
Danki
. You’re a
gut bu
, but I have to handle this myself. It’s my mess, and I need to fix it.”

He placed the bread and butter on the table. “
Gude mariye, Mamm
,” Titus said as their mother appeared in the doorway.

The dark circles under their mother’s eyes indicated she’d had another sleepless night with Ruthie. “
Gude mariye
,” she said with a yawn. “Everything smells
appeditlich
.” She looked at Lydia with surprise. “You’ve been busy.”

Irma appeared from the basement with two jars of preserves. “
Gude mariye, Mamm
.” She placed the jars on the table and kissed her mother’s cheek.

“
Danki
,”
Mamm
said.

“Have a seat,
Mamm
,” Lydia said. “Everything is almost ready.” She brought the plates of eggs and potatoes and set them down in front of her mother, then went back to the stove. “I thought I’d make
Dat’s
favorite this morning.”

“She’s trying to get back in
Dat’s
favor,” Titus mumbled.

“Titus,” Lydia said. “That’s not nice.”

While Irma prattled on about her excitement for their upcoming summer break, Lydia made three more plates of eggs and potatoes. She was placing the last plate on the table as her father entered. “
Gude mariye
,” Lydia said, trying her best to sound chipper.

Dat
mumbled a response and sat at the head of the table.

Lydia sat down in her usual seat next to Irma and bowed
her head for the silent meal blessing. When prayers were complete, she lifted her head and reached for the basket of bread in the center of the table. “Would anyone like some bread? It’s freshly baked from yesterday.”

Irma smiled. “I’ll take some.”

Lydia began to cut pieces and distribute them around the table. Her father took a piece and mumbled a thank-you under his breath.

Dat
turned to Titus. “Are your chores done outside?”

Titus pointed to Lydia. “She did them already.”

Dat
shot Lydia a look of disbelief. “You did Titus’s chores?”

“
Ya
.” Lydia scooped some potatoes into a spoon. “
Ya
. I fed the animals and fetched the eggs.”

Her father studied her for a moment while chewing, then turned to
Mamm
. “Are you prepared for Ruthie’s appointment today?”

“
Ya
,” she said, lifting her glass of water. “I think so. My
mamm
will be here in an hour to pick us up. The driver is going to get her first and then come here to get Ruthie and me.”

Dat
shoveled more eggs into his mouth while he asked Irma and Titus if they were ready for school. Lydia wished he would ask her if she was ready for her day at school, but he didn’t. She felt invisible. How long would he treat her this way? What more could she possibly do to show him that she did love her family and wanted to be a help to her parents?

Once breakfast was complete,
Dat
kissed
Mamm
and headed outside to catch his ride. Lydia’s heart sank when her father left without saying good-bye to her.

While Irma and Titus went to brush their teeth and retrieve their school bags, Lydia began cleaning up the dishes. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see her mother’s sad smile.

“He does love you, Lydia,”
Mamm
said as if reading Lydia’s thoughts. “He’s just hurt. You need to give him time to get over it.”

“What about you?” Lydia asked. “Are you still angry with me?”

“No.”
Mamm
pulled her into a warm hug. “I understand how you feel.”

“You do?” Lydia asked, searching her mother’s face.

“
Ya
.” She touched Lydia’s prayer covering. “You’ve had to shoulder a lot of the stress with Ruthie’s illness, and I’m very proud of you for how well you handled things while I was gone. You’re sixteen, but you’re still young in my eyes. You’re too young to run a family on your own, but you did it well.”

“
Danki
,” Lydia whispered. For the first time since her argument with her father, Lydia felt hope swell within her. Maybe things could return to normal.

“What you said to your father hurt him, but I realize you only said it out of frustration. I know your father realizes that, but he’s still upset. He can be very stubborn and set in his ways, and you have to give him time to work through his feelings.”

“I don’t know what to do or how to handle it all.” Lydia gestured toward the table. “I’ve cried and I’ve prayed every night, asking God what to do. I’ve made his favorite dishes and handled all of the chores I could. I did Titus’s chores this morning thinking it might get
Dat’s
attention. But he still won’t talk to me or look at me except to frown. I’ve even tried to talk to him, but he either doesn’t answer or walks away. What else can I do besides get down on my knees and beg for his forgiveness?”

Mamm
gave her a little smile. “Just keep being yourself and helping out as much as you can. He will forgive you and talk to you in his own time.”

“Yes,
Mamm
.”

“I’ve spoken to him about it, and he told me to worry about Ruthie and let him work through this with you.” She shook her head. “I can’t force him to talk to you, but I will keep reminding him that the way he’s treating you is causing more anxiety in this
haus
than we need.”

“
Danki, Mamm
.” Lydia hugged her again.

“Go get ready for school and I’ll finish up the dishes,” her mother said.

“But what about Ruthie?” Lydia asked. “Don’t you need to get her ready for the doctor?”

“I have time,”
Mamm
said, carrying the dirty dishes to the sink. “She was up most of the night, so I’m letting her sleep. I’ll go up in a little bit to get her dressed and bring her down for some breakfast.” She gestured toward the door leading to the family room. “Go or you’ll be late to school.”

As she climbed the stairs to gather up her bag, she sent up a silent prayer, asking God to please soften her father’s heart toward her.

“The
kinner’s
play was
wunderbaar
,” Anna Glick said Friday while standing by the folding table and unwrapping the lunchmeat. “I can’t believe the school year is over.”

“I know,” Lydia agreed. “It’s gone by so quickly.” She opened a jar of pickles. “It seems like only yesterday I was helping Barbie dust off the desks in preparation for the first day.”

A crowd of children and parents milled about on the lush green pasture next to the schoolhouse to celebrate the last day of school. Lydia had helped Barbie write the skits the children had practiced and presented to the parents. Although
Lydia was still stressed about the situation with her father, she’d enjoyed helping the children prepare for the play. She’d smiled and laughed along with the parents while the children performed. Watching the children show off all they’d learned was Lydia’s favorite part of teaching.

“
Ya
.” Anna frowned. “I’m sorry that your
mamm
couldn’t make it.”

“
Danki
,” Lydia said as she straightened the utensils. “Ruthie has been running a fever, so she was afraid to bring her out.” She forced a smile. “But I’m certain Irma will provide her every detail of the day.”

Anna chuckled. “
Ya
, she will do that for certain!”

“Thank you all for coming today,” Barbie called while standing near the crowd. “We’ve had a
wunderbaar
year here at school, and I want to thank you for allowing Lydia and me to teach your
kinner
.” She motioned for Lydia to come stand next to her.

Lydia felt her cheeks heat as she moved over to Barbie, who placed her arm around Lydia’s shoulders.

“Lydia and I are very blessed to be your
kinner’s
teachers,” Barbie began. “I want to thank Lydia for her hard work this year. She was a
wunderbaar gut
helper, and the
kinner
love her, right, scholars?”

The children cheered, and Lydia felt her eyes fill with tears. She nodded a thank-you to the children.

Barbie turned to the bishop. “Would you please say a blessing so we can enjoy the food everyone brought to share?”

Bishop Chupp gave thanks for the food and the beautiful weather. Once he was finished, the children and parents made their way through the line, loading up their plates with food before taking a seat on quilts spread out on the ground for their informal picnic.

Lydia filled her plate and sat on a blanket with Titus and Irma. She was surprised when Barbie joined them since Barbie normally liked to mingle with the parents to avoid showing favor to any one family.

They talked about the weather and the speed at which the year passed. Irma shared her assessment of the year and Titus rolled his eyes while she spoke.

Once the children were finished eating, they deposited their used plates and utensils in a trash can and ran off to the playground.

“How’s Ruthie?” Barbie picked up a handful of chips from her plate.

Lydia shook her head. “To be honest, I’m not certain. She’s been to the doctor’s twice this week, but she’s still running a fever. My
mamm
is very worried, and she’s in constant contact with the doctor. I fear Ruthie will be headed back to the hospital soon.”

Barbie frowned with concern. “I’ve been thinking of Ruthie and your family. I’ll continue to keep her in my prayers.”

“
Danki
,” Lydia said with a sigh. “I appreciate it very much.”

“Does she have to have more treatments?” Barbie asked, lifting her cup of water.

“
Ya
,” Lydia said. “She will have to go back to the hospital soon for another round of treatments, but she has to be well enough to get them.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Barbie said. “I’m also sorry your parents couldn’t be here today to see the
kinner
perform.”

“
Ya
, I was too, but they’ll get an earful from Irma tonight,” Lydia said with a smile. “My
dat
has been working long hours, and my
mamm
doesn’t want to leave Ruthie with anyone since she knows her moods best.”

“I understand.” Barbie moved closer and smiled. “I want to speak with you in private later. I have something to share.”

“Okay. That will be fine.”

Barbie stood. “I’m going to go talk with the other parents. We’ll catch up after everyone is gone.”

Lydia finished her lunch and gathered up the dirty plates she found sitting on neighboring blankets. Then she moved to the food table where she wrapped up leftovers.

She made small talk with parents for the next hour, but her mind was stuck on Barbie’s request to speak to her alone. She had a feeling she knew what the news would be—Barbie must’ve gotten engaged and was going to tell Lydia to request the position as the full-time teacher.

Her stomach knotted at the thought. Was she ready to be a full-time teacher? But what about helping out at the bakery? Her grandmother counted on her to help on her days away from the classroom. Lydia felt stuck between two opportunities, almost as if she were at a crossroads. Part of her wanted to bake full time and not be cooped up with two dozen children all day, every weekday. And yet, another part of her was excited about the idea of being in charge of the classroom. Where did she belong?