Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman
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Authors: Gianetta Palmer
Reflections On A
Middle-Aged
Fat Woman
by
Gianetta M. Palmer
Copyright 2011 Gianetta M. Palmer
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Table Of Contents
Whatcha’ Mean, You Don’t Like Collard Greens? — July 13, 2011
Holiday Conversations — December 22, 2008
Holiday Concerts — December 10, 2008
O’Christmas Tree — December 6, 2008
Potty Mouth Of The South — January, 27, 2011
Fire On Cherry Fork Road — November 6, 2008
Don’t Judge Me — November 19, 2008
Picture Retake Day — October 9, 2008
Some Days You Just Need A Laugh — October 1, 2008
Agitated By The Agitator — September 9, 2008
A Trip Of A Lifetime — September 4, 2008
I’m A Techno Failure — September 3, 2008
Activating A Credit Card…Part I — September 1, 2008
Stop, Drop and Roll — March 7, 2011
The Longest Yard Sale — August 10, 2008
I’m Not Loving It — August 4, 2008
One Handed Egg Cracking — August 1, 2008
Paying With Change — July 28, 2008
Shakespeare…A Midsummer’s Night Mare — July 14, 2008
I’m Not Laughing — July 11, 2008
Happy Fourth Of July — July 4, 2008
Rescued By Upper Management — July 2, 2008
Skunky Valentines — February 14, 2010
New Signs Of The Apocalypse — February 19, 2010
Sharing A Tailgate — March 19, 2010
Working Out With Ross Perot — April 8, 2010
Conversations Of The Unemployed — March 10, 2011
In Through There — May 13, 2010
Different Political Views — June 4, 2010
Telemarketer Blues — June 7, 2010
Benefits Of Traveling Alone — March 14, 2011
I No Hard Of Hearing — June 14, 2010
How Do You Eat Ravioli? — June 28, 2010
What I Did For Brown — July 28, 2010
Waiting On The Drano — May 5, 2011
I’ll Make A Donation — September 13, 2010
Snooze, You Lose — September 25, 2010
Mi Costenita — January 23, 2009
And One Senior — January 26, 2009
Age-Related Questions — February 21, 2009
I Thought He’d Be Taller — April 8, 2009
Anything Goes At Red Lobster — May 23, 2009
Wrong Number…Again — May 30, 2009
Mother, Daughter Conversations — June 22, 2009
Fumigating The House — July 9, 2009
What Color Is That? — July 27, 2009
The Friend’s Birthday — August 9, 2009
Senior Day At The Cinema — August 28, 2009
Seens At The Funeral Home — September 9, 2009
Seens From The Salad Bar — September 21, 2009
Another Mother, Daughter Conversation — September 29, 2009
The Wrong Number Always Rings Twice — October 12, 2009
What’d The Wedderman Say? — October 19, 2009
The Best One Liner…Ever — May 13, 2009
The Second Best One Liner…Ever — November 6, 2009
We Thought You Were A Hot Guy — October 23, 2009
Is That For sale? — November 13, 2009
Cleo, Mister And Sissy — November 16, 2009
Are You Paying Attention? — November 18, 2009
Another Holiday Conversation — December 15, 2009
Where Do Boogers Come From? — July 31, 2010
Purple In Polyester — August 3, 2010
Summertime Conversations — August 12, 2010
For mom
The following selections are a compilation of the author’s favorite posts from her popular humor website. You can check out more of her stories at
www.middleagedfatwoman.com
.
Whatcha’ Mean, You Don’t Like Collard Greens? — July 13, 2011
During a recent overnight business trip, I was excited to stay in a really fancy hotel that offered room service. It was so late by the time I finished up my tasks for the day that I didn't really want to venture out anywhere so I ordered room service.
The book in my room that told the specifics about the hotel and listed the room service menu seemed to be missing a page or two. Somewhere I read that they offered breakfast as an option but couldn't find any breakfast items listed.
I called the front desk and was transferred to a nice lady that worked in the restaurant. The following is our conversation:
Me: “I'd like to order room service...”
Lady: ”Okay, what'll ya have? What'll ya have?”
Me: ”I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?”
Lady: “Yes, Ma'am. I said what'll ya have, what'll ya have?”
Me: “I'm not sure. Is this room service or have I called the Varsity?”
Lady: ”Oh, you must live around here, don'tcha? I like to say that to the traveling folks. Makes 'em think they is at the Varsity. Since you is from around here, I'll rephrase my question and ask what would you like to have for dinner?”
Me: “I'm not sure. My hotel book only lists options for lunch and late-night dining. It does list a Filet Mignon for $52, but I don't think I'll order that. You got any seafood plates?”
Lady: “Yep, we sure do. We got a fried shrimp, French fries and Cole slaw plate for $16 and it's good, too.”
Me: “Okay, I'll get that.” (It was good.)
I called the front desk in the morning and mentioned that my hotel book was missing a few pages, so when I got back into the room that night I hoped to see what other options might be available. They hadn't provided me with the missing menu so I had to call again without knowing what I wanted.
Lady: “Room service. What'll ya have, what'll ya have?”
Me: “I'd like to order room service, please.”
Lady: “Sure thing. What'll ya have, what'll ya have?”
Me: “I'm not sure. I don't have a complete menu in my room...”
Lady: “Lordy! Is this the same lady from last night?”
Me: “Yep. Sure is.”
Lady: “I told them room cleaners to put you a new book in there, but I guess they didn't. It figures. Well, what'll ya have then, what'll ya in the mood for?”
Me: “You got any fried chicken?”
Lady: “Fried chicken? Honey, this ain't the Big Chicken, but we do have a three-piece platter with smashed taters and a vegetable.”
Me: “Sounds goods. What's the vegetable?”
Lady: “Why, collard greens, of course. That's the only thing that goes good with chicken.”
Me: “Hmm, I don't really like collard greens, you got anything else?”
Lady: “Harrumph! Whatcha' mean, you don't like collard greens? Are ya crazy or somethin'? I thought you said you was from around here?”
Me: “I live up in the mountains, but I'm originally from Ohio.”
Lady: “Oh, I see. You from north of the sweet tea line, (that's my favorite line to describe someone from the north) ain't ya? Well, we ain't got any other vegetables, so I'll send you a double order of taters, okay?”
It worked for me since mashed potatoes are my favorite food. The next day during our lunch break we were standing in line at the small cafeteria in the building where our training was taking place. Listed on the daily lunch special were fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a vegetable for only $5.99. "What's the vegetable?" I asked.
You know I already knew the answer to that before the lady answered in a familiar voice. "What'll ya have, what'll ya have? It's my first day on the job here and the vegetable of the day is collard greens. Could you believe someone ordered the fried chicken at the hotel last night and said they didn't like collard greens?"
Holiday Conversations — December 22, 2008
Since Thanksgiving was so late this year my family and many others, I'm sure, have been playing catch up for the past several weeks. The following is actual dialogue between my family members on various subjects:
MA Fat Woman: "You got your tree yet?”
Mom: "No, it's too early yet.”
MA Fat Woman: "It's December 21, how much later are you going to wait?"
Mom: "It's been raining. I can't very well get a tree in the rain, can I? Besides, I called a guy and he said he would deliver it to me.”
MAFW: "I didn't know that Christmas tree farms delivered?"
Mom: "Listen here young lady! Don't you get smart with me?”
Sister: "What did you get Mom for Christmas?"
MAFW: "Nothing yet. She already has everything she could possibly want or need. What did you get her?"
Brother: "What does Mom want for Christmas?"
Sister: "I don't know. MAFW was supposed to do some hinting around and find out.”