Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman (14 page)

"Orangutan," I volunteered.

"Yeah, that's it! Clyde. Right turn, Clyde. Wasn't that Mr. Clint Eastwood's monkey that starred in all of those any which man I can movies."

"Um, I don't think it was his monkey. And the movies were called
Any Which Way But Loose
, I think," I said.

"Well, I don't know 'bout you, but I'll take my man loose, monkey-like swinging from the bed posts or any which way I can. Hee hee. Mister don't swing like he used too!"

"Cleo, stop talking! That lady don't need to be hearing things like that. You said you was gonna watch yourself," said Mister.

Meanwhile, Sissy was looking over the goods left out on the tables and holding up one item after the other asking how much I wanted for it. I'd name a price and she'd nod her head in agreement and put it aside.

Cleo and Mister were fussing at each other and occasionally looking over at Sissy and the pile growing steadily beside her. I stopped putting away stuff; because the way things were looking, Sissy was gonna buy everything I had left.

"What are you doing tonight?" Cleo asked. "You wanna come go with us to the Singing? It's out there on the four lane and you turn right on Upper Dowdy Doo Lane and turn right at the big red bird house. You can't miss it."

"Well, it's probably going to be after dark before I get finished putting all of this stuff up," I replied.

"Why, pshaw!" Cleo said. "We'd be glad to help you put it away.’Side's, when Sissy gets through shopping, there ain't going to be much left."

"Hey, Sissy! Don't you think you better slow down?"

Cleo turned to me and said, "Sissy has a real problem. That TV channel called and wanted to put her on the air. What's it called? Boarders, or
Hoarders
, something liked that. We told them 'bout all the stuff she has, but they said we'd be better off calling Goodwill or the Salvation Army. They have a lot of extra manpower this time of year due to the holidays and all. She's got a bad problem about keeping and holding onto stuff. Like that man of hers, beating up on her like that. You gonna come to the Singing'?"

"I'm kind of tired. This yard sale stuff has worn me out," I replied. I was beginning to get concerned about how I was going to wiggle out of going to this Singing. These folks were a few cards shy of playing with a full deck and their elevators didn't quite make it to the top floor if you know what I mean. Bless their hearts, I know they were just being friendly, but all I wanted to do was go sit in my recliner.

A few moments passed and they were all gathered around Sissy when they called me over. "What's the total?" Cleo asked.

I had no idea what I had told Sissy so I just said ten bucks. She had a mountain of junk and it was stuff that I didn't have to look at any more. It took all three of them four trips to carry it to the car.

"Now, the Singing starts at 7 p.m., but I want you to come a little early; there's a man I want you to meet," said Cleo. "I hear he's loose and likes to swing from the bedposts."

"CLEO! Shut up and get in the car. Leave that lady alone," shouted Mister.

With that, Cleo and Sissy nodded at me and got in the car. Mister was lingering behind and started fishing for something in his overalls. "You ain't got a pencil, do you? I wanted to right that fella's number down for ya, in case you want to do some swinging from the bed posts. Hee hee. I'll be seeing ya. When you gonna have another yard sale?"

Are You Paying Attention? — November 18, 2009

Someone or something has been trying to get my attention.

Today, when I was in Walmart I was checking out the coffee makers and when I was finished I had to walk past the toaster ovens.

No big deal, right? What if I told you that as I walked past a bell went off. It went DING! I went WTH? I stopped, and looked around, there wasn't anyone around and it certainly wasn't cooking me a snack.

Over the weekend when I was putting away the yard sale leftovers I heard music start playing from one of the dolls I was selling. I wasn't anywhere near it and I didn't even know it was musical.

Last week, I was sitting in my recliner when there was a loud thump or creak in the ceiling above my light and then the light blinked on and off.

And don't get me started on what happens at about 1:28 a.m. every night. Almost, without fail, give or take five minutes, there will be a very loud creak at the bottom of my steps. It sounds like a heavy footstep. I just call it Alice, which by the way, was the name of the woman that lived in the house about sixty years ago. (I just found that out a few months ago.) The noises on the steps have been happening for years.

So whomever, or whatever, you've got my attention.

Another Holiday Conversation — December 15, 2009

The following are actual conversations from the 2009 holiday season:

Sister: “I know what you can get me for Christmas this year. But, you'll have to order it online.”

MA Fat Woman: “Well, what is it?”

Sister: “It's an insulated cup. They cost ten bucks each.”

MAFW: “Whoa, that's a lot!”

Mom: “Want to see what I want for Christmas?”

MAFW: “Sure, what is it?”

Mom: “It's called a napsack. It's right here in the ABC catalog.”

MAFW: “Why do you need a backpack? Are you going camping or back to school?”

Mom: “NO! It's not a backpack, it's a napsack. You take it with you when you are traveling and lay it on the bed or wherever you are sleeping. It even has room for a pillow. That way you don't have to touch the blankets or bed spreads; they can be really gross, you know.”

Brother: “What are you getting mom for Christmas?”

MAFW: “Not sure. She showed me something in the ABC catalog...”

Brother: “Oh, God! Not the ABC catalog again.”

MAFW: “I found out what mom wanted for Christmas?”

Sister: “What?”

MAFW: “It's something like a backpack, but they call it a napsack.”

Sister: “Oh, Lord! It's not from the ABC catalog, is it?”

MAFW: “Sister wants some kind of insulated cup for Christmas. It costs ten bucks.”

Mom: “Whoa, that's a lot! Insulated cup, huh? You three kids are nuts about your drinking cups.”

MAFW: “I looked, but couldn't find it anywhere. It must be in one of those specialty shops at the mall; although she said she saw it online.”

Mom: “Hmm, did you check the ABC catalog...?”