Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (33 page)

INTERPRETING YOUR
DEFECTIVENESS
SCORE

10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does
not
apply to you.

20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply
occasionally
.

30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an
issue
in your life.

40-49 High. This is definitely an
important
lifetrap for you.

50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your
core
lifetraps.

The emotion that is most connected to the Defectiveness lifetrap is
shame.
Shame is what you feel when your defects are exposed. You will do almost anything to avoid this feeling of shame. Consequently you go to great lengths to keep your defectiveness hidden.

You feel that your defectiveness is
inside
you. It is not immediately observable. Rather, it is something in the essence of your being—you feel completely unworthy of love. In contrast to the Social Exclusion lifetrap, which concerns superficial or
observable
characteristics, Defectiveness is an inner state. While we usually know fairly quickly whether someone has a Social Exclusion lifetrap, Defectiveness is not so obvious. Certainly it is one of the most common lifetraps, but it is often hard to detect. Because your imagined defect is internal—unseen—you suffer even more from the terror of being exposed.

Almost half our patients have Defectiveness as one of their primary lifetraps. However, on the surface, these patients look very different. Each copes with feelings of shame in different ways. Some lack confidence and look insecure (Surrender). Some look normal (Escape). And some look so good you would never believe they had the lifetrap (Counterattack).

Alison is an example of someone who
surrenders
to her sense of defectiveness. She is in touch with feelings of being inherently flawed.

ALISON: I have always felt there is something wrong with me, deep inside where no one can see. And that I would live my whole life without anyone loving me.

THERAPIST: When you think of someone loving you, how does it feel? ALISON: It makes me cringe.

Alison feels that there is something about her—some secret—which, if known, would make her utterly unacceptable. She cannot say what that secret is.

There is a strong sense that, whatever Alison’s secret is, she believes she cannot change it. It is what she
is,
her very being. The best she can do is hide it, and try to postpone the inevitable moment when someone gets close enough to find out.

Alison believes strongly that no one could possibly care about her. She constantly discounts evidence that people like her and want to be with her.

ALISON: I told Matthew that I didn’t want to go to his brother’s wedding.

THERAPIST: Why did you do that? I thought you wanted to go.

ALISON: Yes, but I knew Matthew didn’t really want me to go.

THERAPIST: Didn’t he ask you?

ALISON: Yes, but I just knew he really didn’t want me there.

She also magnifies evidence that people dislike and reject her, even with us; she tries to twist what we say to imply we do not really care about her.

THERAPIST: We wanted to ask you if we could switch your session time next week to an hour earlier.

ALISON: Do you mean you don’t want to have our session? If you don’t, it’s okay. I mean, if there’s something you have to do.

THERAPIST: No, not at all. Of course we want to have our session. We just want to know if it’s possible for you to move it back an hour.

Alison is very self-punitive. At various times we have heard her say, „I’m no good,“ „I’m a jerk,“ „I’m worthless,“ „I’m good-for-nothing,“ „I have nothing to offer.“ At the beginning of therapy, her thinking was filled with put-downs of herself. And there were a few extremely painful moments in therapy when her self-criticism rose to self-hatred. At these moments, she experienced herself as „a vile, disgusting person.“

Alison’s Defectiveness lifetrap makes her much too vulnerable in relationships. The other person has
so
much power to hurt her. She does not protect herself or defend herself. Eliot is at the opposite end of the spectrum. He has a quality of
invulnerability.
No one can touch him. He has developed the Counterattacking style of coping so effectively that most people never suspect; in fact, Eliot himself is largely unaware of his own deep feelings of shame.

Eliot is an example of a fragile narcissist. A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy, blames others for problems, and has a strong sense of entitlement People like Eliot have developed this narcissism to fight back against their underlying feelings that no one will ever love or respect them. It is as if they are saying to the world: „I will be so demanding, act so superior, and become so special that you will never be able to ignore or criticize me again.“ (This is an example of the Counterattack coping style we describe in Chapter 4. You can read more about narcissism and how it can be changed, in the chapter on Entitlement.)

Narcissists will hold onto their self-centeredness at almost all costs. Eliot was watching his marriage to a woman he loved deeply disintegrate, yet he was unable to admit that he had problems. He would rather lose everything than risk making himself vulnerable. This is often the case. Until their backs are against the wall, narcissists will not change. As with Eliot, the threat of abandonment is one thing that can sometimes motivate a narcissist to change.

MARIA: No matter how much he hurt me, no matter how much pain I was in, it didn’t make any difference. I could cry a thousand tears, and he would keep seeing that woman. It was only when he saw I was really leaving that he agreed to stop seeing her.

Eliot and Maria
both
have the Defectiveness lifetrap. He
counterattacks
his underlying shame through narcissism, while she
surrenders
to her sense of worthlessness. He rejects her, and she is the victim of rejection. Together they reenact their original drama of rejection by the parent.

If you have the Defectiveness lifetrap, you probably lie somewhere between the two extremes represented by Alison and Eliot. Perhaps you allow yourself to be quite vulnerable in some areas but not in others. We have many patients like this. They come in very willing to talk about their lives, but when certain topics arise, they skirt the issue. These topics make them feel ashamed or defective.

It is relatively unusual for patients to come in knowing that they feel defective. Most patients mask or avoid these feelings in some way because it is so painful to experience the extraordinary self-hatred and shame connected with this lifetrap. Without realizing it, people strive to keep themselves unaware of their feelings of shame. They come to therapy complaining of other things, of relationship problems or depression.

You may experience a chronic, vague unhappiness without being able to explain why. You do not realize that your depression is a function of your negative view of yourself. Feeling unworthy and angry at yourself is a large part of depression. You may feel that you have been depressed your whole life—a kind of low-level depression lurking in the background.

If your primary coping style is Escape, you may have addictions or compulsions. Drinking, drugs, overworking, and overeating are all ways of numbing yourself to avoid the pain of feeling worthless.

THE ORIGINS OF THE DEFECTIVENESS LIFETRAP

1. Someone in your family was extremely critical, demeaning, or punitive toward you. You were repeatedly criticized or punished for how you looked, how you behaved, or what you said.
   
2. You were made to feel like a disappointment by a parent.
   
3. You were rejected or unloved by one or both of your parents.
   
4. You were sexually, physically, or emotionally abused by a family member.
   
5. You were blamed all the time for things that went wrong in your family.
   
6. Your parent told you repeatedly that you were bad, worthless, or good-for-nothing.
   
7. You were repeatedly compared in an unfavorable way with your brothers or sisters, or they were preferred over you.
   
8. One of your parents left home, and you blamed yourself.
   

The Defectiveness lifetrap comes from feeling unlovable or not respected as a child. You were repeatedly rejected or criticized by one or both of your parents.

ALISON: I once read this book that said that the purpose of a woman’s life was to inspire love. It always struck me that that’s what I’ve been unable to do. Inspire love.

Defectiveness is a global feeling. It is the sense of being unworthy of love. You felt so flawed or inadequate that even your parent could not love you or value you for who you are.

You almost certainly felt that your parent was
right
to criticize you, devalue you, reject you, or not give you love. You felt that you deserved it. As a child, you blamed yourself. Everything happened because
you
were so worthless, inadequate, flawed, and defective. For this reason, you probably did not feel angry about the way you were treated. Rather, you felt ashamed and sad.

Alison’s lifetrap is largely the result of her father’s criticalness. He made it clear very early that she was a disappointment.

ALISON: I just wasn’t what he wanted in any way, really. I felt that everything about me was wrong. We used to sit at the dinner table, and, when I was quiet, he would criticize me for not talking; when I talked, he would tell me how boring I was.

She
incorporated
her father’s criticalness. Her father’s view of her became her view of herself.

ALISON: I just keep thinking, why would Matthew want to marry me? I have nothing to offer. I’m so immature. I just don’t have what it takes to keep a man interested. I’m not particularly special in any way. My looks are mediocre, my mind is mediocre. I don’t have a great personality.

THERAPIST: Whose voice is this? Whose voice is it in your head that’s saying all this?

ALISON: Well, it’s Eric. My old boyfriend.

THERAPIST: Is it anyone else?

ALISON: (Pause.) It’s my father’s voice.

Like Alison, you internalized the voice of your critical parent and it became part of you. In a sense, the voice of your critical parent
is
your lifetrap—this voice that constantly criticizes, punishes, and rejects you in your mind.

Shame may have dominated your childhood. Each time your defectiveness was exposed, you felt ashamed. This shame cut deep. It was not about superficial things. Rather it was about who you were.

ALISON: I remember when I was a teenager, I once spent the whole afternoon reading up on this political event, it was Watergate I think, just so I could talk about it at dinner. And, when I opened my mouth, he said, „Is that all you can think to say about it?“

THERAPIST: What did you felt?

ALISON: I felt so ashamed that I tried to be interesting, and that I failed so abysmally.

THERAPIST: Yes, like you were exposed as wanting to be something you could never be.

ALISON: What was that?

THERAPIST: Loved by him.

We might ask
why
Alison’s father was so cold and rejecting. One strong possibility is that he had a Defectiveness lifetrap himself. However, he coped with his lifetrap by Counterattacking. He made himself feel better by putting Alison down and making her feel that she was the defective one. He scapegoated her. Perhaps in Alison he saw a reflection of his own defectiveness. We feel this is often the case. Many times it seems that the parents have defectiveness issues themselves, which they pass along to their children. This is how the lifetrap is passed down through the generations.

Parents who give rise to the Defectiveness lifetrap are usually punitive and critical. There may be physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Defectiveness and Abuse often go hand-in-hand. While it is
possible
for a child who is abused to feel that it is unfair and to be angry without feeling defective, this is seldom the case. Far more often, the child accepts responsibility. The child feels guilt and shame.

Many children find some way to make up for their feelings of defectiveness. This is where the lifetrap starts to blend with Entitlement and Unrelenting Standards. Many people who have grown up being criticized and made to feel defective compensate by trying to be superior in some area. They set high standards and strive for success and status. They may act arrogant and entitled. With money and recognition, they try to allay that inner feeling of defectiveness.

This is what happened to Eliot. On the surface, he looks very much like a success. He is the owner of a popular nightclub frequented by stars. Each night he walks through the club bestowing favors on important people. He decides who gets a table, who gets free drinks, who gets an invitation to the V.I.P. room. He tells stories with obvious glee about denying special favors to celebrities. However, the defective feeling is still there underneath.

ELIOT: Only one person has ever made me squirm at my club. That was [a popular male movie star]. He pranced in, acting like he owned the place, and I decided to put him in his place. I showed him to this really mediocre table. As I walked away, I looked at him, and he was giving me this look. Man, it was a withering glance.

THERAPIST: What did you feel at that moment?

ELIOT: I felt like he could see right through me. Like I wasn’t fooling him one bit. Like I was an impostor.

The sense that it all might collapse is always with Eliot. This is the fragility of his narcissism. His
persona
can collapse, suddenly exposing the worthless person he believes he is underneath.