Reluctantly in Love (28 page)

“And say what?” I sniffed. “He doesn’t want to hear from me.”

“Of course he does.”

“I’m too screwed up.” I blew my nose into a tissue. “Look at me!” I let out a deep breath and my shoulders caved. “I’m a hot mess.”

Gen sat on the edge of the bed to gaze down at me. “Yeah, you are.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“But I love you anyway.”

“It’s better this way. He needs someone who wants the same things he does. And me? I don’t even know what I want anymore.” I pressed my fingertips to my temples. “Do you have any aspirin?”

“Richard said you were rapping last night, so I brought a bottle of extra-strength just in case.” She reached for her purse sitting at the end of the bed. “I figured you’d need it.”

“Rapping?” I groaned, my hand cupping my forehead. “I hope I killed it.”

“He took a video.”

“Awesome,” I lied.

“It’s probably on YouTube.”

“Perfect.” I clawed my way up the side of the bed and rolled onto the mattress. Slowly.

Gen shook the aspirin bottle. “Do you want me to hand feed you?”

“Yes.” I propped myself up by my elbows. “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Here.” She held the aspirin out, and I opened my mouth for her to drop them inside. She handed me the bottle of water from the night stand.

“Just so you know, I’m going back to sleep in two minutes, exactly.”

“Wow, I’ve never seen you look this bad.”

I washed the pills down and handed her the bottled water. “I feel like shit. Things are shitty. I’m just going to hide out here in this suite. For-eh-ver.”

Gen set the bottle back on the nightstand. “Your parents know you’re here and they haven’t come to see you?”

“Space. They’re giving me lots of it.” I laid my head on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. “I might just stay here until they leave.”

“They came all this way,” Gen said. “You should hear them out.”

“
Ugh
. I think I heard—and saw—enough. Now I need therapy.” I pressed a pillow over my face and groaned into it.

“You needed therapy long before you saw your parents doing it.”

I lifted the pillow just enough so I could see her. “Yes, because they ruined me.”

She laughed. “I think you’ll live.”

I rolled to my side and curled into the fetal position. “Really? Do you know for sure? Have you ever seen your dad’s naked butt
humping
over your mom? No. You haven’t. Because if you had, you’d be hiding out in a hotel on a vodka diet for the rest of your life too.”

“You’re right. I don’t even want to think about it.” She flopped onto the bed beside me. Lying on her side, she propped her head into the palm of her hand. “What are you going to do about Chase?”

I pinched my eyes shut. “How is he?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t really had a chance to talk to him yet.”

“Good. Don’t. Just let it be.”

“He misses you.”

I peeked an eye open. “He does? He said that?”

“No, but of course he does.”

I shut my eye. “I doubt it. He probably hates me.”

“I know you don’t like talking about your feelings—”

“My feelers are private.”

“Not with your best friend, they’re not. Your feelers are my feelers and we talk about them. Because that’s what best friends do. And it’s cheaper than therapy.” She scooted so our eyes were in line. “Your parents screwed up . . . probably a whole bunch of times. But you can’t let their relationship define every relationship you have, Roxie. They’re not ruining your life.
You’re
ruining your life by dwelling on it.”

“That’s why I’m on a liquid diet.” I felt my sigh clear down to my toes. “Everything I thought I knew about their marriage went—” I fisted my hands together then popped my fingers open wide, “—
poof!
Up in smoke.”

“I’m sorry.” Gen squeezed my hand in hers. “I can’t even imagine.”

For the first time since walking out of my house and straight to the liquor store, my eyes welled with tears. My head hurt too much to attempt to hold them back. “I just don’t understand. Why did she tell me he walked out on us? I
hated
him, Gen. It
ruined
me. Afterwards, I could barely look at him. I stopped caring whether he was in my life or not. And I pushed him away. It wasn’t just him being too busy. It was me, thinking he didn’t want me around—that he
left
me—because he didn’t care.”

My voice cracked; the ache in my chest was so heavy it hurt to breathe. “Ten years, you know? Ten years to make myself into this . . . this . . . this person who questioned every intention of any man who ever showed interest in me. Because the only thing I’ve ever known for certain is that men
leave.
” I blinked back tears. “She let me believe that.”

“She should have told you the truth, but I remember your mom back then—she was really hurt. Whatever her reasons for kicking him out, whatever his were for leaving, I don’t think either of them meant for it to hurt you so much. I’m sure they wish they handled things differently.” Gen tucked a stringy lock of hair behind my ear. “I’m sure they wish they sat you down back then and explained it all to you.”

“Yeah, maybe. But they didn’t. And now I suck.” When I closed my eyes Chase was there, and that image felt like a million pin pricks right in the center of my heart. “I’m a
coward.
”

“You’re not a coward, Roxie. You’re the bravest person I know. You’re not scared of anything.”

I snorted. “Really? I don’t think making bad decisions is the same thing as being brave.”

“Oh, knock it off.” She flicked me in the arm. “And moping around in a hotel isn’t your style.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked. “What’s my style?”

“Your style is kick-ass and take names
.
Your style is take no prisoners
.
Your style is
not
feeling sorry for yourself.”

I let her words marinate for a moment. And then a spark of . . . something. “You know what? You’re right.” I got a grip on my
cajones
and rolled out of bed.

My legs weren’t on the same page; they wobbled like gelatin under me. My knees hit the floor. “Ouch,
shit!
”

“That’s the spirit!” Gen bounded off the bed and to her feet with a lot more pep.

I struggled to my feet by clawing my way up against the bed.

“I’m going to go give them a piece of my mind!” I pressed my hand to my forehead. “After a nap. Or maybe I’ll feel better after a shower.”

“And you’re not just going to give them a piece of mind, you’re going to . . .” Gen gave me a pointed stare.

“And then . . . I don’t know. I need to sort some things out.” Like my head. Like everything I ever thought I knew about . . . everything. My thoughts were a jumbled mess and I could only deal with one problem at a time.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Gen followed me to the bathroom and leaned against the doorjamb while I turned on the shower.

The water was too hot on the back of my hand. I adjusted the knob and glanced over my shoulder. “No; it’s okay. I need to go alone. My parents are as bad at sharing their feelings as I am. It’ll be awkward. Thanks, though.” I stood and dried my hand on a towel. “Thanks for coming to check on me.”

“Always.” She hugged me.

“Don’t tell Chase I asked about him, okay? Just leave this one alone, Gen.”

She sighed. “You deserve to be happy. Letting him in isn’t going to hurt you. Letting him go will.” She pulled away and leveled me with a serious, concerned gaze. “Chase is one of the good ones and if you let him, he’d be there for you. Maybe you two won’t work out, maybe you will. That’s part of the gamble that’s life.”

I crinkled up my nose. “Since when did you get to be so know-it-all in the relationship department?”

“Since I took a leap of faith on a guy who turned out to be The One.” She squeezed my upper arms. “And someday, when you’re done being scared of getting hurt, you’ll realize that you let a really good man go.”

“I know he’s a good man. He’s the best.” My lips pressed into a frown and Chase’s blue eyes rocked through my mind. “That’s why I’m walking away now. Before either of us get hurt.”

She looked like she might argue, and I was glad when she didn’t. She kissed my cheek and told me to call her later.

While I showered and dressed, I shoved Chase from my mind.

Missing him now was bearable. It hurt, a lot. So it was easy to imagine how bad it would have been after, say, thirteen years of marriage and then—
bam—
it was over, like my parents’ marriage. Yes, I missed Chase. But he was just a man, and I was just a woman, and we were just two people who didn’t make it to the next stage in our relationship. I wasn’t okay with it now, but I would be someday.

For now, I needed to work on forgiving my parents, forgiving myself for pushing my dad away all these years, and forgiving my mom for letting me do it. And because I wasn’t about to be dragged through their rollercoaster ride of a relationship again, I needed to find out if this reunion of theirs was serious or if it was just a fling brought on by too much wine and nostalgia from being in the love nest they’d built, once upon a time.

I stood at my front door, hesitant. Go in fearlessly, or be a coward on the front step.
Decisions, decisions.

I put my hand out to grab the door handle, but it was yanked open from the inside and both my parents stared back at me. My mother had that irritated look on her face that I’d familiarized myself with early on in my life. She was hurt and when her feelings were hurt, her accent was thicker and her emotions a lot more volatile.

“Do you want to give me a heart attack?!” She was breathing so hard, it was easy to imagine smoke rolling out of her ears. “I am so disappointed in you,
anak.
How could you do this to your
mother
? I gave you
life.
I
born
you.”

I stepped inside and toed off my slippers. “I smell coffee.”

Her eyes bulged and she spun around and stomped off.

“You should have called. We were worried.” My dad looked like he wanted to lecture me.

I supposed he’d decided to let it go for now because of the way I stormed out. My theatrics and inability to keep a lid on my temper might have been inherited from my mother.

We stared at each other in awkward silence. I had no clue what was going on in his head, but in mine, I was busy debating on how to get this party started. My lips quivered, while every horrible thing I’d ever thought about him crashed through my head. I took a deep breath and closed the distance—and hugged my dad.

Forgiving him was the best feeling I’d ever felt in my life. Better than nailing that rat bastard Matthew Garrett, better than all the money shots I’d ever taken, better than writing The End on every single one of my novels. Forgiving my dad lifted a weight off my heart that I hadn’t realized was there.

He patted the back of my head. “Glad you’re home, Pumpkin. Should we go make something to eat? How about a fettuccini?”

“Let’s make carbonara.”

He gazed down at me. “Carbonara? That’s not your favorite.”

“It’s a new favorite. I made it for a friend once. Added mushrooms. It was really good, actually.” It was Chase’s favorite. I’d made it for him once a week.

“Carbonara with mushrooms it is.” He draped his arm over my shoulder. “Why don’t you tell me about the book you’re writing? Your mother tells me it’s about a woman who sees ghosts.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Something like that. She even tases people.”

His brows screwed up with alarm. “Do you have a Taser gun?”

Changing the subject was probably the best plan. “Let’s make garlic bread, too.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

Time without Chase dragged by so slowly, it was unbearable. A week felt like a month. Two weeks felt more like a year. I missed him. I wasn’t supposed to miss him. Letting him go was supposed to be easy. It was the right thing to do. It was the fair thing to do, for Chase.

And for me.
In our time together, I’d fallen farther than I expected—farther than I was supposed to. Yes, it was better to let him go now. I already felt in too deep.

He hadn’t called since walking out my hotel room door. It was what I’d wanted, and still my chest ached.
Call it what it is—heartache.

I threw myself into work, pretending to be too busy to hang out with my friends, too busy to have any kind of personal life. Busy kept me from missing Chase as much. Busy kept me from running into him while out with our friends.
This is why you shouldn’t have gotten involved with him in the first place.

Home was where I missed Chase the most. It was too quiet. Too empty. My bed was too big, and no amount of blankets made me forget how cold I was. How ironic was that? I’d spent the last ten years of my life alone for the most part, but now the loneliness was like a heavy blanket weighing me down.

I went on with my life, hoping I’d forget how much I missed him. Every day I still felt the sting, though. Maybe I always would. Deep down I knew why, but I couldn’t—wouldn’t—admit it out loud. I couldn’t say the words, because they’d make moving on impossible. And every night, I heard Chase’s voice:
I love you, Roxanna.
I would curl up into a ball and miss his arms around me, and I’d fall asleep with my chest feeling hollow.

I sat in my home office at my desk, typing up a final report for a runaway I’d been tasked to find and return home. The case had been simple to solve. After speaking with all of her friends, all of her boyfriend’s friends, it’d been easy to surmise what’d happened. I’d found her hiding out with her boyfriend at his uncle’s home. They’d been too afraid to tell their parents she’d gotten pregnant.

I met her parents. They were beside themselves with worry. I didn’t feel it my place to explain why she’d run, that was a conversation for them to have as a family. I merely took them to her and gave them the privacy they needed.

As I typed up the report I thought of my own relationship with my parents. Since my birthday, things were different with my dad. We spoke more and the tension was gone. We were planning to write a new cookbook together—baby steps. We would start in his test kitchen in the spring. I was looking forward to it; maybe by then I wouldn’t have a hollow ache in my chest left behind in Chase’s absence.