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“Good night,” she told him. And ducked into her house and shut the door, thankful for the barrier between them. She leaned on the old wood until she heard his soft good-night, his footsteps on the steps and the sound of his truck driving away into the night. She touched her fingers to her lips, conjuring the memory of his mouth on hers—an unexpected bolt of passion in a devastating night. She wanted to feel it again. Wanted to feel more. Wanted to go after him in her truck and beg him to stay the night.

But that would mean facing the fear that drove her. Tuning out the haunting whisper reminding her that she'd made a mistake with Wade once before, with dire consequences. How could she possibly be foolish enough to want to sleep with him again?

But she wanted to. She wouldn't, because she'd learned her lesson. But she really did want to.

 

CHAPTER ELEVEN

W
ADE
TRIED
TO
focus on what Todd was saying. Something about the grant he was applying for. He was opening a sanctuary for wild mustangs and trying to secure funding for veterinary care. It was important stuff, and normally Wade would have been interested.

But normally he wouldn't have just found out about Lori's pregnancy. And the dilemma she'd faced alone, and the decision she regretted. He'd thought about her all week, in the same way he thought about battles, or guys he'd seen wounded. His mind went there for a moment and then skittered away. Because you could only absorb stuff that life altering in tiny doses.

He'd never thought much about abortion before now. He'd assumed that if he ever got someone pregnant, they'd raise the kid together.
And
he'd been really careful to make sure he never got anyone pregnant. Or so he'd thought.

Did he regret her choice? He sure as hell hadn't been ready to be a father back then. But what she'd done didn't sit easily with him, either.

Guilt had colored everything this past week. Old guilt for being a careless kid who'd gotten her pregnant. For abandoning her back then—for shutting her out and leaving town. For making her go through it all alone.

And then there was the new guilt. Because he couldn't stop thinking about the way that night had ended. Their kiss. And how badly he wanted to kiss her again. He tried to remind himself that it hadn't been real. That they'd been seeking some kind of comfort after all that heartache.

The problem was that the taste of her, that intense connection, had felt pretty damn real, and it made him want more. But now wasn't the time to be thinking like that. Now was the time to figure out how to be a friend and support her, the way he should have in all the years between then and now.

It was a lot to take in and he was a mess. His brain was misfiring, and he couldn't focus on anything for long. It was the reason he and Todd were out riding this morning. A few days ago, when it looked like his heifers were feeling better, Wade had brought them up to his highest pastures to graze. He'd never thought to check the weather report.

A couple of days later, temperatures had started dropping drastically at night. And early this morning, rain on the ranch had meant snow sugarcoating the highest of the Sierra peaks. So here he was, collecting his small herd and bringing his heifers back down to the same pastures he'd taken them from just a few days ago. It was one more mistake in a growing list. His own inexperience was the most frustrating thing about resurrecting Marker Ranch.

He'd forgotten how fast the weather could turn here on the stark east side of the mountains. And he'd learned how a woman you cared about could swipe your decision-making abilities with a devastating confession and one mind-blowing kiss.

When he'd mentioned his idiocy with the heifers to Todd, his friend and future brother-in-law had offered his help. Because that's the kind of guy Todd was.

A guy who deserved to have his friend listen to him instead of wondering about Lori. She'd dropped a note in his mailbox, apologizing for crying all over him and saying she'd like to have some space for a few days. So he'd given her that. But a few days had turned into more than a week, and the truth was, he missed her. Because alongside all the mixed-up feelings of kissing and sorrow and regret was the fact that they'd become closer since she helped him with the heifers. And he wanted more of what it felt like when she was nearby.

“You still with me?” Todd had turned in the saddle and was watching him with a huge grin on his face. “Man, you've got it bad... You disappeared into la-la land for a minute there. Or should I say, Lori-land?”

Wade felt himself flush. “Sorry, I guess I've got a lot on my mind today.”

“Have you asked her out yet?”

“Who said anything about asking her out?”

Todd shrugged. “Well, from the way you couldn't stop staring at her in the bar, and the way you disappeared outside with her for the rest of the night, I just figured there'd be dating.”

“Well, you figured wrong.”

“But you
were
thinking about her just now.”

“Nope.” Wade didn't lie much. Almost never. For a split second he was tempted to confide in his friend. To ask him what he thought, or how
he'd
handle it. But it wasn't his secret to tell. So he'd have to get his head around this on his own. “Nah, I haven't asked her out. She was kind of upset about something that night in the bar. We ended up talking. And I said the wrong things, so I think she's kind of pissed at me.”

Todd laughed. “Of course you did. We all say the wrong things. It's part of being a guy. Doesn't mean you shouldn't ask her out.”

“Really? That's your dating advice? Ask someone out who's mad at me?”

“It worked with your sister.”

“Not right away,” Wade reminded him. “Believe me. I was there. I saw the whole damn thing.”

Todd sighed. “Yeah, you're right.”

“So what should I do, Romeo?” Wade asked. “What's your sage advice?”

“Don't give up,” Todd answered. “Just be patient and be her friend for a while. She'll see what a stand-up guy you are.”

Wade shook his head. He was pretty sure
stand-up
wasn't the adjective Lori would pick to describe him. “I wasn't great to her when we were young. I think that puts me permanently in the friend category. I doubt she'll change her mind.”

“But I messed up with Nora when we were young. And we got through all that.”

“You didn't mess up like I did,” Wade admitted. He focused on their surroundings, the old fence line and the muted colors of the pasture beyond. Beige, gray, smoky green. Colors of plants tough enough to survive the unforgiving drought. Colors that suited his mood, because there'd been days lately when all he'd been doing was surviving. His mind was so damn unpredictable. And as a result, life was all about getting by. Taking the antianxiety meds, avoiding too much alcohol, trying not to overreact to loud noises or unexpected events, anything that might trigger the craziness that lurked inside his damaged mind.

Even if Lori could forgive him, she deserved someone better. Someone whole. “We're friends. And it's for the best,” he said firmly. “We're sharing water. She's helping me on the ranch. We've got a business relationship, and I don't want to mess that up.”

A sadness settled on him like low-lying mist. A sadness teetering on the depression he'd been fighting off every day since he left the army. He shoved it back—it reeked of self-pity. He'd screwed up with Lori and he had to face that like a man...and live with the consequences.

“How's JM doing?” Todd asked.

Wade gave the mustang a pat on his sleek neck, grateful for the subject change. “He's a good guy. Pretty steady. Hard to believe he was born in the wild.”

“Born and raised,” Todd assured him. “Glad he's working out for you.”

“Well, I've had him about three weeks now, right? But it's like he's been on the ranch forever. He seems pretty content.”

Todd nodded. “JM here is a pretty tough guy. He survived a lot of abuse at the hands of the Department of Range Management after they rounded him up. It took me a long time to get him to trust me.”

“Well, he's good now,” Wade said. “In fact, he's so relaxed these days, I can barely get him to go faster than a trot.”

Todd laughed. “Sometimes you don't know what the horses are really like until they've been in a good home and have some time to realize that they're safe.”

“Well, don't get me wrong. I like JM's personality just fine. But if I need him to do something quickly, I may be in trouble.”

“Which leads me to something I wanted to ask you,” Todd said.

“Fire away. Though if my sister wants me to wear a tux to that wedding of yours, the answer is no.”

Todd laughed. “I'm pretty sure we're getting married on my deck. In jeans.”

“Hallelujah.” Wade grinned at his friend. “Bet you're relieved about that.”

“One more reason your sister is the woman of my dreams. But getting back to my question... I have more horses than I can handle right now, and I've got one that I think would be great for you. You could have him at no cost as long as you'll work with him.”

“Work with him?” Wade echoed.

“He isn't trained yet. He's somewhat tame. He'll let me touch him, put a halter on and lead him a little, but he's never been ridden.”

Wade tried to think of a polite way to say
hell no
. “I wouldn't know what to do with him.”

“I'll help you.”

“Why do you want
me
to do it?” Wade didn't know the first thing about training a horse, and when added to the long list of all the stuff he didn't know about ranching, it felt a little overwhelming.

“Desperation. We haven't secured the new land for the sanctuary yet, and my property is getting really full. I have more horses than I have time to work with. And I have a feeling about this one. He's skittish, but he's smart. Above-average smart. I think he could be great at working cattle someday.”

“With the right trainer,” Wade countered, feeling the anxiety spiraling in his chest. “Not with someone like me, who has no idea what he's doing.”

“But you're great with JM. And I'll advise you every step of the way. Will you take him? Just try it?”

It was crazy to say yes. Here they were, paying the price right now for his ignorance with cattle. It didn't seem fair to put a half-wild horse at his mercy as well. But Todd was family, almost his brother by marriage. And ever since they'd met, Todd had been there for him.

Plus, Wade had seen the wild mustangs captured by the Department of Range Management. The conditions the animals lived in were horrifying. Training a mustang, helping it fit into its new life, was a small way to help. It would feel good to do his part, and he could use all the good feelings he could get.

And he had time for it. Especially now that Lori was avoiding him. “Okay, I'll try it,” he said.

Todd's grin was infectious. “I know you'll be great with him.”

Now he was embarrassed. Todd was a heart-on-his-sleeve kind of guy, and Wade was ex-military. “Does he have a name yet?”

“Nope. I thought maybe you'd like to name him.”

Wade looked at him, startled. “How did you know I'd agree to take him?”

“Because underneath all your thick army-ranger skin, I know you're a total softy. I watched your face the day you saw the mustang holding pen.”

“I think that was just sweat, bro.” Maybe he'd teared up a little. But that didn't mean he had to admit it.

“Well, whatever it was, you'll need another horse around here, anyway.”

And then it hit Wade what his friend was really up to. “You're trying to fix things for me aren't you?”

“What are you talking about?” Todd pretended to look surprised, but Wade saw the spark of humor there. Todd was always trying to save the world and everyone in it.

Wade was onto him. “You've read one of those articles, haven't you? About how ex-soldiers get a dog and suddenly their PTSD clears up and they're all happy again.”

“It works with dogs,” Todd countered. “Why not mustangs? And by the way, you should get a dog, too.”

Wade shook his head in admiration. “You just don't give up, do you?”

“Nope!” Todd's wink was completely unapologetic. “Not when I have a good idea. We might rescue these animals, but in the end,
they
rescue
us
.”

“Or trample us because we have no idea what we're doing.”

“Not gonna happen. Put me on speed dial. How about I bring him by on the weekend. Maybe Saturday morning? Do you have time?”

It was a courtesy ask. They both knew Wade had no social life. The ranch was the only thing on his agenda. “That would be fine,” he answered.

They rode in silence for a moment while Wade tried to picture himself training a wild horse. He couldn't. He'd just have to trust that Todd would show him the way.

“Hang on.” Todd pulled his horse, Edward, to a halt, and JM stopped, too. “Look at your fence.” He sidestepped Edward off the trail, and Wade saw it. A post, the wood gray and mottled with lichen, had been pushed over. The wire had snapped out of the rusted staples that used to hold it. Tufts of beige hair were caught on the barbs.

“I've got cattle out, don't I?” Wade stared at the trail ahead, but the soil was too dry and compacted to show hoofprints.

“Looks that way.” Todd carefully guided Edward to the other side of the tangled mess. “The grass isn't too trampled around here. I'd guess you have one, maybe two out, is all. Let's head for the gate. We'll get the remaining cattle down to the ranch first. Seems like it's most important to get as many as possible sheltered from the cold before you go after your strays.”

It was a relief when they caught sight of the heifers grazing in the pasture near the gate. A quick head count proved that Todd had been right. Only one of his girls had gone missing. At least she hadn't taken the rest of the herd with her. “Let's go ahead and bring them down,” he told Todd.

“I've got to get going once we get them back on the ranch. I'm expecting a big delivery at the repair shop this afternoon. Gotta keep my day job going.”

Wade felt his hopes sink a little. “No problem. I'll head back up on my own.”

That knowing grin was back on Todd's face. “Lori's supposed to be helping you out, right? Isn't that your deal? Give her a call. A nice ride through the woods, looking for missing cattle...it'll be downright romantic.”

“Dude, stick to rescuing horses. Matchmaking doesn't suit you.”