Return to Paradise (14 page)

TWENTY-TWO

Maggie

or the rest of the Re-START trip, Caleb keeps his distance. He acts like we're mere acquaintances. He only interacts with me when he has to. When we talk to groups around Illinois, Indiana, and Wisconsin, Caleb shares how he was arrested and how he'd do anything to avoid jail in the future.

He doesn't talk about going to jail for Leah. I think he wants to forget that part of the story, although in my opinion the reality of what he did for his sister looms over him every day. I wish I could get him to talk about it, but at this point he doesn't trust me at all.

I'm not sure he trusts anyone.

It's the day before the end of the trip, and we're staying in a big rented cabin in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. The cabin has nine bedrooms, so we each get our own. But I can't sleep with the thought of losing Caleb again pressing on me. I peek into his room at two in the morning, but his bed is empty. My heart is panicking, thinking he's skipped out early.

Relief washes over me as I spot Caleb from my window. He's skipping rocks by the lake.

My brain tells me it will be better to just let him go.

My heart ... not so much.

I still want to convince him to go back to Paradise. I haven't done a great job of doing what I set out to do. Tonight is my last chance. Thinking about what Vanessa said, I brace myself to confront Caleb once and for all.

I slip through the sliding glass door. The melodic sound of the crickets chirping follows in my wake as I walk down the gravel path to the lake.

"I guess this is good-bye ... again."

He doesn't look at me. Instead, he skips another rock. "I guess so. Have fun in Spain."

I haven't thought about my impending year abroad for a few weeks now. This Re-START trip has been exhausting both physically and mentally. I've learned a lot about myself this past month. I've also become good friends with Trish and Erin, who are now like sisters. Trish thinks she's Erin's protector, and the three of us have spent most nights talking until the early morning hours.

I sit on a big boulder and watch him. "Where are you headed?"

He shrugs. "Arizona, I think."

Arizona? That's too far. There are so many loose ends he needs to tie up before he goes away. "Come back to Paradise, Caleb."

"This conversation is over."

I stand and step right in front of him. He's about to skip another rock, but I take his hand and open it up so the rock falls to the ground. "Go back to Paradise," I say again.

He lowers his gaze to the ground, and I feel his defeat as if it's my own. "I can't. When I came back home, my entire family wanted me to pretend the Beckers were this picture-perfect family. In reality, each one of us was fucked up. I couldn't fake it before. I still can't, so don't even ask me to. I'm living with so many regrets, I can't add another one to the roster."

"Give them the benefit of the doubt. They need you."

He shakes his head. "I have nothing to go back to. Hell, even Mrs. Reynolds is dead. The only person I'd go back for is you, and we were doomed from the start." He steps away from me and runs his fingers through his hair. He does that when he's frustrated. "Forget I just said I'd go back for you. That was stupid of me."

I'm waiting for him to say our cooling-off period will be over, that he's ready to try again. But he doesn't. Maybe he realized that what we have isn't worth the hassle, especially because I'm leaving for Spain and he's leaving for Arizona.

I think of the times we kissed and held each other. I thought nothing could feel as amazing as I felt then, so powerful and explosive.

"Are you really leaving?" I ask, my voice coming out as a whisper.

"Yeah. No regrets."

"What?" No regrets? "Why do you keep saying that? What does it mean?"

He cups my chin tenderly and urges me to look up at him. "It means I can't leave until I do this..."

He bends his head. I wait for his warm, full lips to meet mine as my heart pounds like crazy in my chest. His lips hover over mine, and we both smile because it brings us back to the lake where we were testing and teasing each other. It was playful and dangerous. We're playing a playful and dangerous game right now, but I tell myself to enjoy it and ignore the warnings in the back of my head.

At least that's what I keep trying to tell myself as I close my eyes and he presses his lips to mine. I savor every moment of our kiss. It's not hot and heavy and hungry. It's slow and sexy and sensual. He takes hold of my waist and pulls me closer.

Oh, God, I want to melt in his arms right here and now. I wrap my arms around his neck as we keep kissing and holding and touching. He lifts me off the ground. I can't imagine anyone else being able to make me feel invincible and beautiful and worthy like Caleb does. I want to scream I love you, Caleb! Don't you feel what I feel when Dn with you?

His lips slowly pull away from mine and he unwraps my arms from around his neck. "I won't regret that ... ever. Good-bye, Maggie."

"Bye, Caleb. I'll ... miss you.,,

"I'll miss you, too."

I take a deep breath, holding back the flood of emotions. I push past him and hurry toward the cabin so he doesn't see the tears streaming down my cheeks. I quickly get into bed and bury my head into my pillow so he can't hear my heartache as I cry.

Why do I do this? Why do I let him go without a fight? Because I'm a coward, that's why.

I hear the sliding door creak open a few minutes later. Caleb must be back in the cabin. I think of Vanessa, who is stuck in jail and can't fight for what she wants.

I can.

I realize what Caleb's motives were for kissing me tonight. That sweet kiss was an attempt at closure.

It wasn't enough, at least for me. I want more. I need more. But do I have the nerve to show him what kind of closure I want in order to finally let go?

I take a deep breath as I sit on the edge of my bed. I can do this. I'm careful to take soft steps and pray the wooden floor of the cabin doesn't creak as I make my way down to the basement.

To Caleb's room.

His door is open. Lenny is sleeping soundly in the room across the hall. Lenny's snores echo through the walls, but Caleb's room is quiet. I don't even hear him breathing as I step in.

There are no windows, so it's almost completely dark. A green glow is coming from a permanent night-light in the hallway.

"Caleb?" I whisper. "You awake?"

"Yeah." I hear his sheets rustle as he sits up. "Is something wrong?"

"Kind of."

I close the door, then feel my way slowly around the room, hoping I don't trip and fall. I bump into something warm and hard and distinctly male. Caleb. He's not wearing a shirt, because I feel his hot skin and muscular chest against my fingertips.

I look up into the darkness. "Hi."

"Hey," he says, his familiar voice comforting to me somehow. I'm going to miss that voice. "I don't suppose you got lost."

"No. I, uh, couldn't sleep. And I thought ... I just ... well..."

"What is it, Maggie? Just say it."

Okay. I might as well gather up the nerve. It's now or never. "I thought we could spend our last night together. I know we might not see each other again after tomorrow, but I can't help but want to be in your arms tonight. Just one last time. Is that okay?"

Caleb takes my hand in his and leads me back to his bed. "It's more than okay."

I slip under the covers and wait for him to join me, but he doesn't.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"To lock the door. You don't want Lenny to suddenly barge in on us, do you?"

I laugh nervously. "No."

It's cool in the basement, so I pull the blanket up to my chest. Caleb slides in beside me, and I feel his bare legs against mine. "You're shivering," he says, his voice a low whisper.

"I'm a little cold ... and a little nervous."

"Don't be nervous, Maggie. It's just me."

It's the real Caleb, without the tough facade. I'm glad it's completely dark now and he can't see my trembling fingers as they move up to his beautiful face. "I know."

He pulls me closer. I rest my head in the crook of his arm and am more content than ever.

"Maggie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For making me feel alive again."

I drape my arm across his chest, the warmth of his skin melting into mine. I want to remember this night forever, because we'll probably never get another chance to hold each other like this again. It makes me want to do more than just sleep in his arms. I try and relax, to slow my own erratic heartbeat as I wrap my right leg, the one that wasn't severely damaged in the accident, around him. It's a definite hint that I'm ready to do more than just lie in his arms.

He moans in response. "Maggie, you're treading into dangerous territory. I'm trying to be a good, honorable guy here."

"I know. But I'm not asking you to be one."

"You sure you know what you're getting into?"

"Nope. I've got no clue." I start kissing and feeling my way across his broad chest.

"You're killing me," he says, his hands slowly reaching for me and urging me up so we're face to face. "We can't do this. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready and willing. But we're going in completely different directions tomorrow. You and I both know fooling around or having sex will complicate everything."

"I have a great idea," I say matter-of-factly. "Let's just make out all night until we're exhausted. That's okay, isn't it?"

"Make out, huh?" He pulls me on top of him. "We can definitely do that," he murmurs against my lips.

Afterward, when we're both coming down from a high I've never felt before, I lay my head on his chest while he wraps his arms around me. "That was a great make-out session.

"Mmm," he agrees sleepily. "The best." A few minutes later, I feel Caleb's body relax. His slow, even breathing lulls me to sleep.

TWENTY-THREE

Caleb

slept like the dead last night. Maggie's soft, warm body .snuggled up to me was just the sleeping pill I needed after our little (okay, not so little) make-out fest. I knew the second she snuck out of my room this morning, because I was immediately awake when the cool morning air reached my skin.

I pretended not to wake up, even when she lightly kissed me on the lips.

Breakfast was practically torture, because Maggie and I were both trying to avoid eye contact. Damon called us into the main area of the cabin, where he gave an entire half hour speech about how much he respected all of us for finishing the program, even though he knew how hard it was to share our stories.

During the ride back to the Redwood community center, where this whole trip started, we're all pretty silent. Even Lenny. His solemn attitude is unnerving because it's so out of character. At this point I'm tempted to ask if I could pull his finger.

At the community center, Damon pulls me aside.

"You're going back home, right?" he asks. "You promised."

"Yep," I lie. "I'm gonna come clean to my parents. Thanks, Damon. For everything. I know it's your job to try and reform kids like me, but-"

"Just so you know," he interrupts. "It's not just a job to me. Remember that. Call me if you need anything. I mean it."

"I'm out," Lenny calls out once he collects his stuff from the van. "My bus'll be here soon."

"If you need a ride-" Damon begins.

"I'm cool." Lenny waves bye to everyone as he heads over to the bus stop to wait.

"That's it?" Trish calls out to him. "You spend four weeks with us and all you can give us is a backwards wave?"

Lenny, still walking, flips her the finger. "Sit on this and spin, Trish," he yells back.

Trish is yelling something snarky back at Lenny while Damon is trying to defuse the situation so it doesn't escalate into a huge profanity/yelling match in front of the community center. As we're all saying our good-byes, Damon gets an emergency call from one of the kids in the juvenile probation program. He leaves after making us promise that we'll all make sure to call him if we ever need him.

Maggie's mom pulls into the parking lot next and heads toward us. The look on her face when she realizes I've been on the Re-START trip with Maggie makes me wince. If I had any doubts about whether or not Maggie and I could ever see each other again, even casually, her mom's horrified expression says it all.

I'm not welcome near her daughter. Ever.

"Mom, I want to say good-bye to everyone. I'll be there in a minute," I hear Maggie say. Her mom throws me a warning glare.

Maggie hugs everyone in the group. Tears come to her eyes as the girls all promise to call and see each other before Maggie leaves for her year abroad.

She hugs Matt next. "Take care of yourself," she says. "And don't give up on Becca."

"Who's Becca?" I ask them.

"My ex." Matt shrugs. "We broke up before the trip, but I kinda, well, you know ... Maggie's been giving me advice."

So he's not into Maggie? I just wish I'd figured that out sooner.

Maggie kisses me on the cheek. "Well, I guess this is good-bye ... again."

I nod. "Don't forget to show those Spaniards that Maggie Armstrong is a force to be reckoned with."

"Right," she says, amused. When she steps back, I shove my hands in my pockets for fear I'll reach out for her. From the look of us, you'd never know we slept in the same bed last night and made out like the world was going to end if we stopped.

"Just so you know," she says, "I'm okay with saying good-bye this time. Really, I feel like we both have closure. I think you should go back to Paradise, but I can't force you to go home if you don't want to."

Her mom beeps the horn, reminding us that reality is always just around the corner ready to slap us in the face.

I gesture to her mom's car and give her a small smile. "You better go."

She takes another step away, but doesn't turn her back to me. "Stay out of trouble, Caleb. I mean it."

I don't take my eyes off her as she gets into her mom's car and they drive away.

Regret tugs at me, but I ignore it. There are some things we can't change even if we want to.

Trish gets picked up by her parents, sister, and brother. After hearing Erin's story, Trish's mom had to take a tissue from her purse so her own makeup wouldn't run. After that, the entire family packed Erin up in their van. I think they might just adopt the silent, tattooed girl. Matt left right afterwards, when his big brother came to give him a lift.

Re-START is officially over. I guess it's time for me to figure out where to go next.

One thing is for sure-I need to get far away. This time Chicago is too close. I wasn't joking when I told Maggie I was going to Arizona. Problem is, I have exactly twelve dollars and sixty-three cents to my name. I can work odd jobs, construction day jobs if I can find them, until I can save up enough money to get me out of Illinois.

I swing my duffle over my shoulder, glad I have at least a few bucks to my name. I know of a cheap campground a few miles from here where I can stay a couple of nights while I figure out if there are any temporary jobs I can take to make some quick cash. I'll need at least a few hundred to get me a one-way bus ticket to Arizona.

"Hey, Caleb, wait up!"

I turn to find Lenny jogging to catch up with me. "Miss your bus?" I ask.

"Nah." He shrugs. "I didn't really have a bus to catch. I was thinking of, you know ... going with you," he says, as if it was something we'd already discussed and agreed to.

Umm ... I don't think so.

"No, you're not. Go find out where Trish lives and follow her to her house."

"Are you kidding? The girl hates me."

"Maybe that's because you didn't wipe your pubes off the toilet."

I keep walking.

Lenny doesn't get the hint, and I'm starting to think he's serious about coming with because he continues to follow me.

"Come on, Caleb. Have a heart. Think of us as Fred and Barney, Ben and Jerry, Thelma and Louise. You know you want to."

I stop walking and look right at Lenny. "Thelma and Louise died at the end of that chick flick."

"They died holding hands. Didn't it bring you to tears?"

"No."

"You still owe me a hug, remember?"

"No, I don't."

"So you're gonna leave me stranded here? What, afraid I'm gonna cramp your style?"

"I don't have a style, Lenny. Go home. You do have a home, don't you?" He doesn't answer. "You told Damon you were going home."

"I lied."

Shit. "If you haven't figured it out yet, I don't have a house to go to either. I'm going to a campground so I can at least have a place to do the four S's-shit, shower, shave, and sleep."

"Cool."

"There's nothing cool about it." I can tell Lenny's not letting up. He's like a damn stray dog that's following me. I glance at him. Normally he sports a cocky-ass expression, but not now. Now he looks worried, as if he's afraid I'm gonna ditch him and leave him alone.

I keep walking, feeling deja vu. Maggie followed me off campus and look where that got me.

Lenny walks beside me. I don't tell him to back off, because I think the guy is scared to be left alone.

"Thanks, Caleb," he says after a while.

"Just... don't piss me off," I tell him.

"I won't. I promise."

It takes us almost an hour to walk to the Happy Camper Campground. I register and pay the lady in the office for a camping spot that costs me seven dollars a day. It would've cost me twenty-two if I required a water spout, but I can just go to the community bathroom for that.

No matter how cheap this place is, I've got to find some quick cash. Once the Illinois summer is over, winter creeps in fast and furious. I'll freeze my ass off and die if I don't head for Arizona by then.

When it's dark and we've bought a couple of hot dogs at the little on-site store, the family at the site next to us gives us a few pieces of their wood and fire starters. Gotta love the generosity of campers.

After I've washed up in the Happy Camper Campgrounds community bathroom/shower area, I pull out a light blanket I bought when I was living at Rio's place.

"Here," I say, handing it to Lenny. "We can switch off days we use it."

"I'm fine," he responds.

I watch as Lenny rolls one of his shirts up to make a pillow, then pulls out a pair of sweats from his duffle and puts it over his face, making a circle in the middle where his mouth is.

"Why the hell are you wearing pants on your head?" I ask. "You look ridiculous."

"I'm not risking getting sunburned or mosquito bites on my face again. I've got an extra pair of boxers if you want to cover your face. They're not washed, but-"

"No thanks." Just the thought makes me want to puke.

Thank God we got assigned a grassy campsite. I spread the blanket on the ground. A sleeping bag would be great, but I'm happy to have my little spot of land for the night without having to worry about getting busted by the cops or bothered by other homeless people.

"Really, Lenny, why are you here?" I ask. "I mean seriously, man, what's your story?"

"I don't got a story," Lenny says, lifting his pants off his face. "You heard me the past four weeks tell all the sordid details. I got drunk, stole a car, and drove it into a lake. End of story."

He turns his back to me and faces the opposite direction.

I stare up at the sky, the stars and moon lighting up the endless universe. Wherever Maggie is, whether she's in Paradise or in Spain, she'll be looking up at the same moon and same stars.

Will she ever think about me? Will she remember the night we spent in the castle or last night when we slept in each other's arms? Or will she only remember the times we argued and tried to push each other away, because it was easier than admitting or accepting what was really happening between us?

Damn. I better get a grip and forget about Maggie Armstrong. This is my life-here on this little seven-dollar rented piece of land ... I look over at Lenny ... and it doesn't seem like my lot in life is gonna get better anytime soon.

The biggest torture right now is knowing I won't sleep much. When it's all quiet and I'm just lying down at night, that's when my mind wanders to things I have no right thinking about.

"It was my mom's boyfriend's car," Lenny says, his voice cutting through the silence. He'd been so quiet the past hour I thought he was sleeping. I guess I should've known better, since he wasn't snoring. "He packed up and left her five years ago and I thought he was gone for good. I can't believe she took him back. Want to know what he did?"

"You don't have to tell me." I'm not one to pry into other people's business, 'cause I don't want them prying into mine.

I look over at Lenny, who's got his palms pressed to his eyes. I've never seen him so serious.

"When my mom wasn't home he used to touch me."

"Damn, Lenny. That's some serious shit."

"Tell me about it." Silence fills the air, and he doesn't say anything else for a while. "At first I didn't really get what was goin' on, as if my brain couldn't wrap around the reality of what was happening. I was only twelve when it started. By the time the asshole split, I just wanted to erase it from my mind and forget it ever happened. I didn't tell anyone. But when he showed up in March and my mom said she invited him to live with us, I freaked."

"Did you tell your mom about what he did to you?"

"Yeah, but she pretty much got pissed off and called me a liar. The first night the guy moved back in, I got drunk, stole his car, and drove it in the lake. My mom didn't even come to court. I hear she married the douche. Damon said I could join the Re-START program instead of serving probation time. I promised him I'd go back home and work things out with my mom, but that's never gonna happen. She chose to trust a boyfriend over her son."

"I don't even know what to say." Somehow Lenny's story makes me feel like all the stuff I've gone through is nothing.

"You don't need to say anything. I didn't tell you to get your pity."

"Does Damon know what the guy did to you?"

"Nah."

"You should've told him."

"Yeah, well you should've told your parents the truth about the night you didn't hit Maggie with your car, but you didn't have the guts."

A flash of regret makes me tense up. "You're right," I admit. "But I promised I'd keep quiet."

"Yeah, well, I made a promise to that scumbag that I'd never tell my mom what he did to me, but I didn't keep that promise. I don't have choices anymore, Caleb. I can't go back home. It'll be different for you."

"What are you saying?"

Lenny sits up. "I'm sayin' that you've got choices I don't have. Hell, just because your mom's got some prescription drug addiction and wants you to act all perfect and your old man's a pussy doesn't mean you have to give up on them." Lenny turns his back to me again. "If I were you-"

"Yeah, well you're not me," I cut in harshly.

I get up and walk around the campground, angry at myself and at Lenny and at Leah and at the world in general. I'm glad most people are sleeping and the place is quiet except for the crackling of fires and low whispers of the few campers still awake.