Revved (32 page)

I don’t know why, but instead of making me feel better, that angers me.

“So, you brought another woman here to make me think that you don’t care about me when you do. That’s some fucked-up logic, Carrick.”

I pull away from his hold, but he grabs me before I can get anywhere. Yanking me against him, he holds me with my back pressed to his chest, an arm banded around my waist, the other pressed over my breasts. My heart is banging against my rib cage.

“I never claimed to be a fucking genius,” he hisses, his lips at my ear. “Do you know how hard it’s been for me to be around you and not be able to touch you in the way I want? It’s been driving me crazy.”

“So, you fuck Sienna to make yourself feel better. Nice.”

“I’m sorry. I screwed up, and I’m sorry. You rejected me, and I…reacted badly.”

He rests his forehead against the back of my head. I can feel his breath blowing through my hair onto my neck, driving me crazy.

“Do you know what I thought of every time I fucked her?”

“No! And I don’t want to know!” I gasp, hot tears instantly hitting my eyes.

I try to struggle free but to no avail. His hold on me is too strong.

“You. I thought of you every single time. I imagined that she was you. And yeah, I know how screwed up that is, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I can’t get you out of my head. And do you know what the worst thing is?”

There’s something in his tone, something so solemn that makes me turn my face to his, finding his expression just as grave. It makes my heart twist.

“It’s that you don’t even want to be in here.” He taps a finger to his head. “The one girl that I want, and she doesn’t want me.”

I feel crushed.

“Carrick, I do want you. I just can’t—”

The rest of my words are swallowed up by his kiss.

“Don’t…” he rumbles against my lips. “I don’t want to hear the can’t right now. I just want to hear the want.” He slides his fingers into my hair, tilting my head back so that I’m looking directly in his eyes. “Just tell me that you want me.”

I do want him.

My body is vibrating with the need I feel for him.

The need I always feel for him.

The need I’m constantly trying to bury.

But I can’t bury it tonight.

Closing my eyes, I let out a breath. “I want you.”

His lips come down hard on mine, his hand fisting my hair. I turn in his arms, pressing my breasts against his chest, wrapping my arms around his neck, as he devours me with the most intense kiss I’ve ever had.

“I need to be inside you,” he says, panting against my mouth.

My eyes open to find his on mine, and they are filled with a raw possessiveness, casting a sexual spell over me. And I let it take me over.

“Yes.”

The word is barely out before I’m moving, being pulled through the bar. Pushing through a door, he tugs me inside, and I find myself in a deserted stairwell.

Everything happens pretty quickly after that.

Carrick’s mouth crashes down onto mine as he pushes me up against the door. His hands are everywhere, like he can’t touch enough of me. And my hands are pretty much the same.

I’m just absolute desperation.

My body is craving the feel and taste of him, remembering how amazing it feels to have him inside me.

Then, my skirt is being pushed up over my hips, and my knickers are torn off with one snap of the elastic. Carrick plunges his finger deep inside me. A whimper of pleasure falls from my lips as my head falls back against the door.

I’m lost, drowning in sensation.

“Always so wet for me,” he growls.

Meeting his eyes, I grab his cock through his trousers. “Always so hard for me.”

He pushes himself into my hand. “From the moment I saw you.”

Desire rockets through me.

Leaning in, he sucks my lower lip into his mouth, his finger slowly moving in and out of me. “Tell me to fuck you, Andressa.”

I’m so desperate for him that my body is shaking, yearning to have him inside. I don’t care that I’m in the stairwell at the hotel. I don’t care that anyone could come in and catch us. I don’t care that I shouldn’t be doing this.

I don’t care about anything but having him inside me, making me feel only the way he can. Like no one ever has before.

I nip his lower lip with my teeth, loving the feel of his body’s response to it. “Fuck me, Carrick.”

His eyes flame wild with need. Slipping his finger out of me, he places it in his mouth and sucks me from it, making me feel dizzy with lust.

Holding my eyes, he gets a condom from his pocket. He unzips his trousers, shoving them down over his hips, just enough so that his cock springs free. He rips open the condom with his teeth and deftly rolls it on.

Not once does he look away from my eyes.

Then, his hands go under my thighs, lifting me. He spreads my legs and thrusts up inside me.

“Ah,” I moan, my eyes closing on the feel of him.

My head thuds back against the door as he starts to fuck me, each thrust becoming harder and more insistent than the next.

Moving his lips up my neck to my mouth, he desperately kisses me. “Fuck. I’ve missed this…
you
, so much,” he pants, his breath mixing with my own.

I’ve missed you, too
.

“God, Carrick…I…”

My mind and body are spinning out of control, his pelvis and cock hitting all the right places.

“Come for me. I need to feel you tighten around my cock. Give this to me.”

His hand moves between us, and he rubs my clit with his fingers. Then, I’m blowing apart in his arms, coming hard and fast.

“Fuck…Andressa,” he groans, pressing his forehead to mine, holding my stare.

I feel his cock start to jerk inside me, his body tensing. And I watch with fascination, bordering obsession, as the waves of desire wash through his beautiful eyes. The moment is so intense that I feel like I’m falling.

I’m falling.

And then I’m wishing I could stay here forever.
Stay in this moment with him and never leave. Closet it…
him
…keep him.

I want him. Not just for one day. I want him for all the days.

Then, reality comes crashing down on me, hitting me with the force of a tsunami, and I realize what I’m doing.

Wishing for things I can’t have.

The crash back to earth leaves me feeling breathless, like my chest is cracking under the pressure.

Carrick presses a soft kiss to my lips, jolting my attention back to him.

“Stay with me.” His lips move in soft, tender kisses over my cheek toward my ear, his hand curling around the back of my neck. “I’ll get us a room.”

“Where? Next to the one you have with Sienna.” It’s a shitty thing to say, and I instantly regret it.

Pulling back, he gives me a harsh look, and it makes me feel even worse than I already do.

I can barely meet his eyes. “I can’t stay with you.” I can feel the fear growing in me like a monster, readying to come out of the closet.

I let myself be selfish with Carrick, taking what I wanted with no thought for him or the consequences. I shouldn’t have. It was wrong of me. I know I can’t have him, yet I had sex with him again.

I’m leading him on. I’m not the type of person who does this. I don’t get involved with someone who I can’t give myself to even if just for a short time.

And I can’t give Carrick any of my time. I’m not the right person for him.

I don’t want to hurt him—that’s the last thing I would ever want—but I don’t know what else to do.

God, I hate how weak I am when it comes to him.

And knowing all of this, knowing how much I’ve screwed up with him, makes my panic climb to the highest level, and the worst thing about me when I panic is the person I become, the person I’m not.

“Don’t do this, Andressa…”

He tries to cup my cheek, bring my face back to his, but I do what I do best when I don’t know how to deal, especially with Carrick. I push him away—literally.

He moves back, slipping out of me, and I immensely feel his loss. Almost like he’s taking a part of me with him as he goes.

He yanks up his trousers, fastening them. His movements are rough with suppressed anger.

Ashamed, I move away, pushing my skirt down over my hips, smoothing it out. Bending, I pick up my ruined knickers from off the floor, closing my hand around them.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this again,” he says it so low, so harsh, that I freeze.

I lift my eyes to his, and I hate what I see there. “I’m not doing anything.”

Denial—it’s my best friend and my worst enemy.

“Just fucking don’t.” He stops me with his hand, his lip curling in disdain. “You’re doing exactly what you did in Barcelona, except I’m awake to see it this time.”

Shame lowers my eyes. “I’m…sorry. I just…” I hesitate, stuck on the words that are tearing me to pieces. The words that are going to hurt him. “I’m so sorry…” I whisper. “But…I can’t do this…with you.”

“Can’t do what exactly?” he snaps angrily.

I lift my eyes to his. I owe him that at least. “I can’t…” I pull in a strengthening breath. “I can’t give you any more than what just happened.”

He lets out a short bark of harsh laughter, but I can see the hurt in his eyes, and it’s shredding me to pieces.

“Fucking unbelievable!”

Out of nowhere, a shot of anger bursts through me. “What is it that you want from me?” I cry.

Fury flashes through his eyes. He takes an angry step toward me, backing me up. “Isn’t that already clear? I want you!” Lowering his eyes, he lets out a ragged breath. “I just want…you.”

So many thoughts and feelings hit me at once—fear, exaltation, panic, want, confusion, need.

But the overriding, dominating feeling, as it always is when it comes to Carrick, is fear. Deep-rooted dark fear.

And as always, with my fear comes panic, and panic is in my driving seat.

“I’m sorry…” My lips tremble. “I can’t be with you. You’re just…too big a risk for me to take.”

The look on his face. I never want to see that look on another human being for as long as I live.

He lets out a solemn, bitter laugh. “You know, I really wish I knew what that meant.”

His eyes meet with mine, and the anguish I see in them crushes me to pieces.

“From the moment I met you, Andressa, I thought you were strong, maybe the strongest person I’d ever met, and I admired that about you.” He lets out a staggered breath. “But I’ve come to realize something.” He leans in to me, his face close to mine.

I suck in a breath at the absolute blackness in his eyes, feeling it closing in all around me.

“You’re not strong. You’re a fucking coward. And I’m done.”

Moving me aside, he yanks the door open, and he’s gone, leaving me with only the resounding bang of the door as it echoes in the stairwell and deep inside my mind.

You’re a fucking coward.

Coward.

He’s right. I am.

I fall back against the wall, feeling like I’ve been shot.

The pain is unbearable. It feels like my heart is actually breaking, shattering into unforgiving icy shards inside of my chest.

Ironic, I guess, how I’ve always been so afraid of Carrick, of wanting him, afraid of the way I feel about him, and staying away for the fear of getting my heart broken.

But as it turns out, I’ve broken it all on my own.

And I have a feeling there’s no fixing it now.

WHEN CARRICK SAID HE WAS DONE
, he meant it.

Andressa Amaro no longer exists to him. If she’s in a room, he leaves it.

She’s invisible to him.

Andi, his mechanic…well, she just barely exists.

At the track, he barks orders at her when he has to and ignores her the rest of the time.

I’m pretty sure it’s obvious to everyone, but they’re saying nothing, and I appreciate it. I’m guessing that’s due to Petra putting a gag order on them. Uncle John did notice Carrick being shitty to me the other day, and I got the raised eyebrow, which means his questioning will come sometime soon. I’m not looking forward to when it does.

I know people will draw their own conclusions as to why Carrick hates me. They’ll probably have the right conclusions. But for now, I just choose to live in my state of denial that everything is okay when it couldn’t be further from it.