Rhythm of Us: Book 2 Of The Fated Hearts Series (32 page)

His words had me twitching to lose myself in chemicals too, but I couldn’t do that to Ben’s memory. Ben supported every step I had made in my recovery and it would be a disgrace to get drunk or high in the wake of his death. I wouldn’t betray his love that way.

I grabbed the Rolling Stones album that we listened to the night before he left for his west coast trip. I walked around the living room and touched his favorite things while the Stones sang for me. I stood in front of the map and thought of the trips we talked about taking. I touched the pegs Ben pushed in for our dream vacation spots as tears ran unchecked down my face.
I never told him that I love him.

“He knew,” Bevan slurred from his spot on the couch.

“What?”

“Ben knew that you loved him, Xavier.”

“I didn’t realize I said it out loud.”

“You were chanting it over and over.” Bevan rose to his feet and swayed over to me. “You made my brother happier than he had ever been in his life. Words are just words, Xavier. You showed him how much you loved him and that’s what really counts.”

I heard what he said to me, but my heartbreak couldn’t be reconciled by his words. Maybe someday I’d forgive myself, but not today. I left Van downstairs to drink away his misery. I didn’t blame him, but I didn’t want to see it or smell it. I refused to give in to temptation.

Once inside Ben’s room, I picked up a shirt he had flung across the bed the morning he left. I brought the shirt to my nose and inhaled his scent deep inside. I removed my clothes and slipped his shirt on over my head before climbing beneath the blankets. I hugged his pillow while our song played on a tormented replay in my head while endless tears fell from my tired eyes. I both loved and hated our song, because I had been greedy with it just like I was with my words. I prayed it would stop at the same time I prayed it would never end.

I felt myself drifting to sleep and I welcomed the darkness. “I love you, Ben,” I said out loud, hoping that he somehow heard my words.

I FOUND MYSELF
in the most amazing dream, one where Ben was alive and whispering my name in between sweet kisses he placed on my neck. It was so real I could feel the bed shift beside me and smell the familiar soap on his skin. It was so beautiful, but so cruel.

Dream Ben caressed my check and brushed his thumb over my dried trail of tears. “I’m here, Xavier. I haven’t left you.”

I could feel sleep eluding me as my brain tried to wake my body, but I didn’t want to open my eyes and lose this dream. What if Ben never visited me again in my sleep? I could feel fresh tears roll hotly down my face.

“I love you, Ben.” I said it to dream Ben and hoped that my Ben heard and felt it too.

Warm lips kissed away my fresh tears and arms wrapped around me, pulling me tight against a warm body. I’d never had such a dream so vivid that I could smell and feel it.

“Wake up, baby.” Hot breath tickled my ear. No! I couldn’t wake up. Ben was gone and I just couldn’t face it. I wanted to live in this dream with him forever. “Xavier, I’m right here. Open your eyes, baby. I need to see them.”

“I can’t. You’ll disappear and I’ll have nothing. I should’ve played the song for you that I wrote for us. I was trying to plan a special night to surprise you. I was going to tell you how much I love you as soon as you came through the door.”

The soft kiss turned to wet, open-mouthed kisses on my neck while a warm hand slipped beneath Ben’s shirt – the one that still smelled like him. “I know you love me. I’ve always known that you love me. Wake up and tell me so I can look in your eyes when you say those magical words to me.”

“No. Make love to me one more time, Ben, and then I’ll open my eyes and face the world without you.”

Dream Ben chuckled softly. “I’ll make love to you every night if that is what you want.”

“I love you, Ben.” I said again, not knowing when, or even if, he’d be paying me another visit in my dreams.

XAVIER LOOKED SO
peaceful all curled up asleep in a chair in the hospital waiting room. I hated to wake him up, but Ava just delivered a baby boy and he’d want to know. I knelt down in front of him and that was when I noticed the dried streaks of tears on his face. I hated the thought of him in any pain - even in his sleep.

Xavier had told me about the nightmares he had almost on a nightly basis after he was attacked by Damien, but that was before we met.
I brought back his music,
I thought smugly to myself. He hadn’t said the L word back to me, but he showed me and told me how he felt in so many other ways. So, the sight of his tear-streaked face was like a punch to the gut.

I hated Damien Diamond aka Erik Schafnitz with a fucking passion. If Deacon
had
killed the slimy bastard I would have gladly shaken his hand and bought him a beer. Knowing that the little weasel took pictures of the man I love when he was vulnerable to use against him, made me want to dig his carcass up and kill him all over again. The level of hatred I felt toward him was almost frightening.

Xavier whimpered, pulling me away from my morose thoughts. “I love you, Ben.” Xavier’s words were merely a whisper, but I heard them all the same.

My heart hammered in my chest, sending my blood zinging through my veins. I leaned forward and kissed his cheeks while brushing my thumb across his full lips. “Wake up, love, and say those sweet words to me with your eyes open. You know how much I love your gorgeous brown eyes.”

“Ben?” Xavier’s eyes slowly fluttered open and he blinked several times while trying to wake from what appeared to be a very deep sleep. He looked around, trying to orient himself with his surroundings. “Why are we at a hospital?”

That must have been a really deep sleep. “Ava just gave birth to a baby boy about twenty minutes ago. Everyone is at the nursery window waiting for baby Jacob to be brought in for them to see. Gray and Chase said that you had fallen asleep and they didn’t want to disturb you.” I kissed his soft lips a few times and wished I could linger for a longer kiss. I missed him so damn much while I was away. “I came to the hospital as soon as my plane landed.”

Xavier jerked up straight in his seat like a volt of electricity zapped him. “Your plane crashed. You died Ben and left me all alone. Jesus,” he looked around him some more, “Chase and Gray took me home and I cried myself to sleep in your bed while wearing your shirt. I thought you were dead, but you came to me in my sleep and comforted me. You were going to make love to me in my dream. It felt so fucking real.” His voice broke as he recalled how destroyed he felt in his dream. “The thought of never seeing you, touching you, or hearing your voice was more than I could handle.”

I just knelt there looking at him in concern. “Baby, you dreamed those events, because none of that happened. I didn’t miss my flight and it didn’t crash. I had to switch planes in Colorado due to a malfunction with landing gear sensors on the original plane. I sent you a text earlier to tell you that I’d be home later than planned. Your mind must have taken that tidbit and ran away with it while you slept. There was no plane crash, baby. I haven’t left you, Xavier. I’m right here.”

His tears made sense to me now. I opened my arms and he launched himself at me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close. “It was so real, Ben.” His voice broke and more tears threatened. He was lost to the memories of his dream and I wanted him with me, not lost in his dream again.

“Baby, it was all just a really bad dream. Although, I’d love to be slipping inside you right now.” I looked around the empty waiting room and then back to him. “How do you feel about exhibitionism?” I wiggled my eyebrows and made him smile. He crinkled his nose and shook his head.

“There you two are.” Chase’s excitement was evident by the loudness of his voice. He was a few decibels above enthusiastic. “You’re going to miss baby Jacob.”

“Babe, they’ll have him in the nursery for more than five minutes. Ava is exhausted and it sounds like Jacob is spending the night in the nursery so she can get some uninterrupted sleep.” Gray, as usual, was the voice of reason, unless the situation pertained to Chase and then all bets were off.

“Xavier, were you crying?” Chase asked him and then turned to me. “What the hell did you do to him?”

“Me?” I might have sounded a little defensive. “I didn’t do anything to him. He just experienced a really vivid dream that shook him up.”

“A dream?” Chase’s voice was full of disbelief.

“You were there and you were there,” Xavier said, not missing a beat as he pointed at Chase and then Gray.

“Very funny, Dorothy.” Chase playfully punched Xavier in the arm.

“That’s my guy,” I said lovingly. I leaned in and kissed his lips once, twice, and then lingered for a third kiss. “When we get home you’re going to tell me
the words
while you’re awake. I heard you say them in your sleep, but I need to hear them while you’re awake.” I held out my hand and pulled him to his feet once he placed his hand in mine.

We followed behind Gray and Chase as we made our way through the hospital corridor. We were just a few feet away from the nursery when Xavier stopped abruptly and tugged my hand so that I also stopped. I turned to look at him in confusion until I saw the look in his eyes.

“I don’t want to wait another second.” Xavier lightly shoved me up against the wall and pressed his body against mine. “I love you, Ben. I crazy love you. I’m going to say it until you’re sick of hearing it.”

“That’s never going to happen, babe.” Xavier stood up on his toes and pressed his mouth to mine. “It’s been four fucking days since I’ve been inside you and I’m not willing to wait much longer. So, you might want to back up a bit unless you want me to drag you to the nearest bathroom stall and remedy the situation right now. I had hoped to be a little more romantic.”

“Not to mention more hygienic,” Xavier added with disgust. “With my luck, I’d end up with a staph infection.” Xavier backed away slowly and patted my arm as if he was trying to soothe the beast inside of us both.

“Ten minutes of oohing and ahhing and then we’re out of here.” I swatted him playfully on the ass as we joined the crowd gathering to look at baby Jacob. “He’s a cute little guy,” I said, peering down on his little pink face. He was wearing a blue knit hat and little blue mittens on his hands. I had a sudden urge to see his little fingers and toes. “Shit, I’m turning into one of them,” I said nodding my heard toward Gray and Chase who practically had their noses pressed to the window. “We should place a bet on how long it takes them to adopt or find a surrogate. What do you think? A year?”