Ricochet (12 page)

and talk through the entire scene when it's time?

Karl's a good guy - he'll be happy to help."

"I don't want people knowing about me.

About my sex life and how completely I suck at it,"

Matt said uncertainly.

"Karl doesn't have to know. I'll just tell him

you're really nervous because it's such a full-on

scene. He'll be cool about it. Between us, we'll get

you through it."

Matt gave a tentative little smile. "Okay.

Thanks. I think that'll help."

"Good." Rick squeezed his shoulder again.

"Matt… do you mind me asking something

personal?"

"I've already spilled my guts about something

very personal, so I guess not." Matt grimaced.

"Why do you repeatedly get involved in

relationships with service-oriented doms?" Rick

asked curiously. "Because it doesn't seem to me

like you actually enjoy that much. I mean, I've been

with service-oriented subs, and it's fine, but it

doesn't really float my boat. I don't care about

being waited on, and I don't like ordering subs

around - well, not outside of the bedroom

anyway." He winked. "It's not my thing, and I have

to say, I never got the vibe from you that it's your

thing, either. And yet those are the doms you

always go for; there's Ermentrude, and that thick as

shit guy you were with before her."

"Troy? He wasn't thick as shit, he was…"

Matt considered it for a moment. "No, you're right,

he was thick as shit. Very good-looking though!"

"And essentially all he wanted was a servant.

You might as well have been his PA, Matt, rather

than his sub, for all the attention he paid to you.

You just ran errands for him all the time."

Matt glanced up at him. "I didn't know you

even noticed who I date."

"Well, I do notice you never seem happy with

any of them. I mean… you never roll into work

late, walking funny, with a giant smile on your face

from some really great sex the night before. You

never have love bites on your neck, or handcuff

marks on your wrists from a fantastic takedown

session. You never wince when you sit down and

then smile, like you took a really great spanking the

night before. You never look well fucked."

"Like all your many subs, you mean?" Matt

made a face. "The oh so lucky ones who've been

treated to 'the great Richard O'Shea sexperience'."

He snorted.

"Well, I do ride 'em hard and put 'em away

smiling! I know that much." Rick grinned. "Look,

you can tell me to butt out but I just wondered why

you always choose people who don't really suit

your sexual dynamic. Unless… you do know what

your sexual dynamic is, don't you?"

"Yes." Matt's face flushed a bright red.

Rick frowned. "And is it so bad that you can't

find a dom who you'd be compatible with?"

"No. I just…" Matt shrugged helplessly.

"Or is it something you don't think you'd be

any good at? You know you can be great as a

service sub because you're so organized and like

controlling things, but you're so terrified of not

being perfect all the time that you don't want to

take the risk with something closer to your heart?

Do you think you'd let a dom down if you asked for

what you really want?" Rick asked quietly.

"Because you think you can't do it, or you'd be bad

at it?"

"I…" Matt blue eyes were absolutely

agonized, and Rick knew that he'd hit a nerve.

"Yes," Matt muttered, dropping his head and

gazing mutely at the floor.

"Hey - look, I don't know what kind of doms

you've met, but plenty would be happy just to try

stuff with you - you don't have to be perfect or get

it right from the outset."

Except - this was Matt, and even as he said

that, Rick knew that in Matt's head, he did. It was

all part of the OCD, his need to get things right and

be in control, while counting all the cracks on the

ceiling at the same time. That was who Matt was.

"I know that in my head… but I can't…" Matt

knocked the palm of his hand against his forehead.

"I can't do it, Rick."

"What is it that you want to do, Matt?" Rick

asked gently. "I know a lot of doms - I could get

you together with one you're compatible with,

who'd help get you over this. What's your thing?

What turns you on?"

"Nothing really way out. Not even anything

different or special." Matt looked up, his face

flushed with embarrassment. "I'd like to be swept

up in my own submission, to lose myself in it. I

want to be overwhelmed, to give in, to be taken out

of myself, and to float. I want to feel, Rick, instead

of thinking all the time." He spoke in a low,

passionate voice, and Rick could tell how much

this meant to him.

"There are plenty of doms out there who'd be

happy to take you on that journey, Matt," he said

reassuringly.

"But I can't do it! I'll get tense, and anxious,

and start counting, and they'll get annoyed with me,

and I won't be able to please them, and I'll want to

take back control, and they'll get pissed off with

me and be disappointed. Then they'll end it, and I'll

be worse off than before we started!"

"Wow - you've got this whole scenario

figured out!" Rick shook his head, chuckling. Then

he took another look at his friend, who was sitting

there, his face flaming up to the tips of his ears,

and the realization hit. "Is that something that's

actually happened to you, Matt?"

Matt shrugged. "My first dom. Guy called

Lucas."

"Your first dom - and I'm guessing you were

his first sub too? You were both young, and Lucas

freaked out because he couldn't take you down. He

felt it reflected on his performance as a dom, and

you beat yourself up because you couldn't be the

sub he wanted you to be?"

"Yeah. That's about it." Matt grimaced.

"Stupid huh? I mean, everyone else manages to be

out there having great sex all the time. It's just me

who can't do it."

Rick laughed. "I really don't think everyone

else is out there having great sex all the time,

Matt."

"You are!"

"Yeah. Well." Rick shrugged. "I'm not

everyone. Look - what happened to you is just

inexperience; you're older now."

"It's happened a few times since then, too,"

Matt told him. "After a while, I decided to stop

putting myself through it. I was starting to come

over as a tease who couldn't deliver in the

bedroom."

"So it was easier to get involved with

service-oriented doms and be good at that than try

to find a dom who shared your particular dynamic

and could be patient and sympathetic with you?"

"Yeah."

"That sounds crappy. You should cut yourself

some slack, buddy. Sex isn't about being perfect -

it's about having a good time. It sounds like you've

got yourself so freaked out about it that it's hardly

surprising you can't relax and enjoy it."

"Really?" Matt chewed on his bottom lip

thoughtfully.

"Really. You need to stop being so hard on

yourself, Matt."

"And on other people; I really wasn't very

nice to you earlier, Rick."

"You have a temper - I like that about you!

That's your passion showing through, Matt, and it

has to show through somewhere because you keep

it leashed most of the time. At least when you're

throwing fruit at me, you aren't counting things in

your head!"

"I never thought of it that way." Finally, Rick

coaxed a wan smile out of his friend. "Sorry all the

same. I bottle things up and then explode, but I've

never seen you lose your temper once. You're

always so laid-back."

"Well, like you said, I do have a lot of good

sex - and that helps me relax." Rick grinned at him.

"That's your secret?" Matt rolled his eyes.

"Give me a sub's beautiful ass to spank every

day, throw in some hot fucking, and what the hell

have I got to explode about?"

They both laughed, and Rick felt he'd at least

been able to banish some of Matt's misery. He

wished he knew a better way to help his friend, but

he decided he'd think about how to set Matt up

with a dom he'd be compatible with, now that the

loathsome Emily was out of the way.

"Sorry - I came over here to cheer you up, but

all I've done is dump my problems on you," Matt

said tiredly. "And you've got plenty of problems of

your own right now."

"Hell no - it's been good finding out I'm not

the only one with bad shit going on!"

"You won't tell anyone about any of this, will

you?"

Rick poked his thigh. "Don't be an idiot.

Look, Matty, I've got plenty of faults - most of

which you already know because, let's face it, I

don't do a good job of hiding them - but I'd never

betray a friend. I promise."

Matt smiled at him again and then yawned.

"Thanks. So - what do you think Petra will do to

you tomorrow?"

Rick sighed. "I have no idea. I'm more pissed

off that the press will be following me around for

the next few weeks, wallowing in this whole

thing." He stretched out wearily on the sofa.

"Whatever Petra does, I'll handle it."

Matt yawned again, his eyes glazing over.

"You know… I think I might have had too much to

drink," he muttered sleepily. His head jerked

sideways, and he blinked, looking endearingly

confused. Rick pulled him down gently, so that he

was nestled against him. "Sorry… just… mmm,"

Matt muttered.

"Don't apologize, Matty," Rick told him.

"You're always apologizing, and you really need to

stop."

"Mmm, yeah. Sorry," Matt mumbled and then

his eyes closed, and he was fast asleep.

Rick smiled and stroked a hand over his

friend's tousled blond hair. "I bet your hair drives

you nuts; it's the one thing you can't control!" He

gently smoothed it with his fingers. "You'd never

let me do this if you were awake; you're such a

prickly sub, always pushing people away when

your eyes say you want to be scooped up and

loved. You must drive your doms nuts."

Rick leaned back with a yawn. "You know,

not one of my clubbing friends gave a shit about

what happened to me today, but you did. You're a

good friend, Matty; better than I deserve."

Matt mumbled something in his sleep and

moved his head so it was resting on Rick's chest,

his cheek squished to one side. Rick smiled and

wrapped an arm around his friend.

"Thank you, Matty," he said softly.

Matt woke up to find he had a pounding

headache and what felt like a mouthful of sawdust.

"Urgh," he muttered, lifting his head blearily.

"Mmmm," a voice beside him said.

He thought about it for a moment, but he didn't

remember asking Emily to stay over. Then he

realized his head was resting on a broad, solid

chest… nothing like Emily's thin body. He took a

second to process this. He was lying on a sofa,

pressed up against someone bigger than him;

someone warm, who had one arm slung over his

thigh. Where the hell was he?

The events of the previous evening came

rushing back in a jumbled haze, and he sat up

quickly. That caused a stabbing pain in his head,

and he grabbed hold of it, moaning, as the room

lurched violently around him.

"Take it easy," the voice said, and he felt a

big hand on his back, stroking reassuringly as his

head swam. He opened one eye, cautiously, and

saw Rick grinning at him.

"Oh shit. Fuck. What… why am I…?" He

stared at Rick in disbelief. "Oh shit! Did we…?"

"Relax. You just had too much to drink last

night. We were lying here talking, and you fell

asleep. I thought you might as well stay over as

you were in no condition to drive home."

"I had too much to drink? Didn't you have too

much to drink too?" Matt said suspiciously,

because Rick was making this sound very one-

sided.

"I hold my liquor better." Rick smirked at