Ride On (7 page)

Jimmy sat bolt upright in the bed. Someone was trying to bang down his front door. Jesus, the cops were right. She was coming after him now. That stupid fucker Aesop and his uncontainable dick were finally going to get him killed. There'd been close calls before – angry boyfriends, outraged brothers and mates, the girls themselves fuming and upset – but this was the big one. He'd finally managed to stoke up a nutter and now she was coming after Jimmy because she hadn't managed to catch Aesop yet. The bastard. It wasn't fair! Jimmy was always nice to women. He sat in terror for a second. The thumping downstairs wasn't letting up. He had to get out of bed and try and protect himself before she broke down the door and cornered him. The doorbell started ringing now too. Christ. He was fucked. And he only had his jocks on.

He started down the stairs with his pillow clutched to his chest and the blood roaring through his head. Then he heard the voice outside, whispering in hoarse, guttural panic.

‘Jimmy? Jimmy? Open the fucking door quick!'

‘Aesop?'

‘Yeah Aesop. Open the fucking door!'

Jimmy was standing right at the door.

‘Who's out there?'

‘I'm fucking out here. Will you open the door?'

‘Is there anyone else?'

‘What? No. I hope not anyway. Will you hurry up for fuck sake before she finds me?'

‘Jesus …'

Jimmy pulled the door open and Aesop barrelled through it, knocking Jimmy onto the floor and standing on his arm as he slammed the door closed again and ran into the kitchen. Jimmy was still picking himself up when Aesop appeared back in the hall with a big bread knife.

‘Ye fuckin' bastard,' grunted Jimmy, crouched over and rubbing his shoulder.

‘Shush Jimmy,' said Aesop, looking through the peephole. He was sweating like a racehorse, his breath coming hard and heavy.

‘What the fuck happened?'

‘It was Trish.'

‘Who?'

‘Fucking Trish! Norman's bird. The culchie.'

‘What about her?'

‘She's the one who's been after me. I must have rode her.'

‘What? Are you sure?'

‘Yeah! She came around tonight and tried to stab me, the mad bitch. I let her in and everything. Jesus, see what happens when Norman scores? He shouldn't be let near women. He can't get a bird for years and then when he does pick one up, she's the Angel of fucking Death.'

‘You're mad. Trish was lovely. How did she try and stab you?'

‘How? She had a knife in her bag! Oh Jesus, man, what are we going to do?'

‘Calm down, will you? Jesus. Okay. We're going to call the police. Fuck, we better call Norman too. Now tell me what happened will you?'

‘Yeah … yeah. I was just … I was … what's with the pillow?'

‘What? Oh … I was in bed when you started going at the door with a bleedin' sledgehammer.'

‘And you brought your pillow down with you? What were you going to do with it?'

‘I wasn't fucking thinking, was I? I thought there was a madwoman out there.'

‘And you were going to subdue her with a pillow?'

‘Will you fuck off? I got a fright. Now tell me what happened. Jesus …'

‘Yeah. Right. Okay. Okay, well I was at home making the tea …'

*

Jimmy had put the phone down and was looking at Aesop on the couch.

‘So you didn't actually see a knife?'

‘I saw enough. She had it in her bag and she was going for it.'

‘Aesop …'

‘Jimmy, you should have heard her. She was going on about how much she likes the night and being in the bleedin' dark and that she was into blokes that are cute and dirty like me and Colin Farrell. At first I thought she wanted me to fu …'

‘You and Colin …'

‘I'm telling you man. She's off her fucking trolley. Call the cops, will you?'

‘Aesop, she didn't actually do anything.'

‘What?!'

‘She didn't stab you. You didn't see a knife. All she did was sit down for a chat and a cup of tea.'

Aesop stared at Jimmy for a minute. Then another minute as he played the whole thing over again in his head. Then he looked at the floor.

‘Two cups,' he said eventually.

‘What?'

‘When I saw her going for the knife, I fired me cup of tea at her and legged it.'

‘You threw your tea at her?'

‘Right in the chops man.'

‘Jesus Aesop …'

‘But I didn't hang about. I was down the hall and out the door before she had a chance to come after me. I caught a taxi on the quays – what are the fucking chances, right? – and came straight here.'

Jimmy looked at the phone again and back at Aesop.

‘Aesop, is there any chance – any chance at all – that you over-reacted?'

‘Over-reacted? Smacked her with a pillow, like? For fuck sake, what was I s'posed to do? I was sure I was about to get a Bowie knife up the hole!'

‘But all she said was that she liked the night time. I like the nighttime. I'm always up late writing. It's nice and quiet. So what? And she likes Colin Farrell? Every bird on the planet likes Colin Farrell. They're not all serial killers.'

‘But she said I was dirty.'

‘You are dirty. You're a filthy bastard. Everyone knows that.'

‘But girls aren't s'posed to talk like that.'

‘It's not the first time you've been called names by a bird, Aesop.'

‘And she said she met me before.'

‘Yeah. In the Baggot.'

‘What?'

‘She told me in Vicar Street. She saw us play in the Baggot years ago. She was out with her buddies and saw us. You were chatting up her and her mates at the bar afterwards, acting the slut.'

‘But …'

‘Aesop …'

‘But …'

‘Aesop … did you throw scalding hot tea on Norman's bird for no reason?'

‘No … I … I … No! What about the knife?'

‘What knife?'

‘The one in … the one …'

Aesop turned to face the empty fireplace. If he looked frightened before, the dawning realisation of what he may have just done was starting to sink in.

‘Jimmy …'

‘We need to call Norman.'

‘What? Are you fucking insane? He'll kill me!'

‘Aesop, we have to. You just assaulted his bird with a cup of tea.'

‘Oh fuck. Jimmy. What am I going to do? What if he …'

‘Listen, you fucking lemon, she might be hurt. We have to call him.'

Aesop stood up. He looked like a man on his way to the gallows. He turned back to Jimmy.

‘She's grand.'

‘What?'

‘She's grand. It wasn't hot.'

‘The tea?'

‘Yeah. It was half milk. Ah, it's a thing I do. If I'm trying to get rid of a bird but I can't get out of making her a cup of tea, I make sure it's only lukewarm. They either don't finish it or else it's gone in five minutes. A decent cup of tea can take twenty minutes of sipping.'

‘But it was your tea you threw.'

‘Yeah, I make them both like that so I can down mine in a hurry too. No excuses then. If we're done riding and both staring at empty cups, she pretty much has to fuck off, doesn't she?'

‘For fuck … okay. Well, I s'pose that's something. Are you sure?'

‘It was piss. Definitely. Before I thought she was trying to kill me, I thought she was trying to get me to ride her. Man, I wanted her the fuck out of there before she started dropping the cacks. The tea was grand.'

‘Well … thank fuck for that anyway. But we still have to call Norman, man.'

‘Christ. What's he going to do?'

‘I don't know. But I'm going to guess that he won't be happy with you.'

‘He'll kill me.'

‘He won't kill you.'

‘He will! Jimmy, he never gets his hole. He's finally getting some now and then I go and drown his bird in Barrys and then run out of the house screaming like a little girl. She'll think we're all fucking mad.'

‘Probably. Fuck sake, I would. Can you imagine the fright she got?'

Aesop nodded.

‘She wouldn't have been expecting it all right. Fuck. But I was just so freaked out. The stuff she was saying and then when she went for the bag … Christ. And anyway, it was you that told me to keep an eye out and be careful.'

‘So it's my fault now, is it?'

‘Well, you can't blame me for all of it.'

‘I bloody can. And another thing, …'

Jimmy's phone rang and they both looked at it.

‘I'm dead,' said Aesop.

Jimmy picked up the phone to look at it and nodded.

‘Norman,' he said. He switched it on. ‘Norman? Yeah … yeah, I know … he's here. Yeah … Sorry man, I'm not sure exactly. It was a misunderstanding … I don't know. Is she okay? Right … right. Well that's good … where is she now? … Okay. Okay, hang on a minute … here he is.'

Jimmy held out the phone but Aesop just shook his head and backed away.

‘Aesop, he wants to talk to you.'

‘Tell him I ran away.'

‘He knows you're here.'

‘Tell him I'm gone to Australia.'

‘Aesop …'

But Aesop just sat down with his arms folded and his eyes shut tight. Jimmy sighed and put the phone to his head again.

‘Sorry man … he's afraid you're going to kill him. Yeah … I know … I know. Aesop, he says Australia isn't far enough … and he is going to kill you … Okay Norman. Yeah … Right … I'll tell him.'

Jimmy hung up and looked over at Aesop.

‘He's coming over.'

Aesop swallowed and went green.

*

‘A photograph?' said Aesop.

‘Yes,' said Norman. ‘You total fucking langer. She was showing you a photograph.'

‘Of what?'

‘She was out with her mates in the Baggot years ago for a birthday. They got talking to you and Jimmy after the gig and one of them took a picture. Trish found it in a box last week and stuck it in a frame. She was going to give it to you. She was being nice. A photo of you surrounded by girls. She thought you'd like it.'

‘Well it looked like a knife. It was shiny.'

‘The frame was shiny. Are you going to come out of there?'

When Norman had arrived earlier, Aesop locked himself in the toilet upstairs and said he wouldn't come out until Jimmy had explained that there was a stalker after him and that's why he freaked out with Trish.

‘Are you calm?'

‘Yes.'

‘Jimmy, does he look calm?'

‘He's grand. Will you come out of there, you eejit? He won't do anything.'

‘Make him promise.'

‘For fuck sake Aesop,' said Norman. ‘Come out of the toilet. I'm meant to be in work in six hours and I want to sort this out.'

‘Go down to the living room. I'll be down in a minute.'

‘Aesop …'

‘Go on. I don't want there to be any accidents on the stairs.'

‘For fuck sake …'

Aesop eventually crept downstairs and peeped around the living room door.

‘Will you come in and sit down?' said Norman. ‘If I wanted to kill you, you'd have been a corpse ten minutes ago.'

‘I'm sorry Norman.'

‘It's not me you need to be apologising to.'

‘I know. Where's Trish?'

‘She's at work. She had to go home and change first though. Tea, Aesop? You threw your tea at her?'

‘It's all I had.'

‘Fuck sake. Isn't it just as well you weren't chopping vegetables? Why did you think she was the one stalking you?'

‘I … I … was a bit nervous. I s'pose I picked up a few things she said the wrong way. And then when she went for the knife …'

‘Photo.'

‘Yeah. Well, when she went for it, I panicked. She wasn't hurt was she?'

‘No. Well, she was fucking freaked out. You scared the hell out of her, you tool. But apparently you make a shite cup of tea, she says. She gets worse spilled on her at work.'

‘Well that's good.'

‘So what did she say?'

‘What?'

‘What did she say that you picked up on the wrong way?'

‘Oh. Eh … ah, we were just talking about stuff and she said she likes Colin Farrell.'

‘So what?'

‘Well, she said I look a bit like him.'

‘And?'

‘I thought she was looking for a … for me to … y'know … eh … nothing.'

‘Aesop, are you telling me you thought my girlfriend came over to your place for sex?'

‘No! Well … maybe. A little bit.'

‘What kind of delusional fucker are you?!'

‘It's just … well, it's the kind of thing that happens Norman.'

‘Is it? Jesus, that must be grand. Is this the latest thing now for you, is it? Other people's girlfriends calling around to you for a servicing? Christ, aren't you the lucky man with the horse's mickey?'

‘No, it's not like that. It's just that … well, women are always … when they leave something behind, it usually means …'

‘She's with me!'

‘I know! And she's great. I'm happy for you. But with everything that's going on and all, I wasn't really thinking properly. And when she said I was dirty …'

‘Dirty?'

‘Yeah. Like Colin Farrell, y'know?'

‘What are you on about?'

‘Nothing. Nothing. I fucked up Norman. I'm sorry. Are you sure she's okay?'

‘She's fine. Now. She was in a right state when she called me though, you muppet.'

‘I know. Christ. What must she think of me …'

‘You don't want to know.'

They all looked at the floor.

‘Fuck sake,' said Norman, shaking his head.

The others nodded.

‘And all this stalker shite started last week?'