Riding Tall (24 page)

With the adults in the living room and the kids upstairs, Joe and Mackenzie were alone in the kitchen, staring at each other.

Joe was the first to speak. “What the hell’s going on, Mack?”

Mackenzie smiled nervously. “Yeah. Good question. It got a bit out of hand. But I can explain.” He stepped a little closer and reached forward tentatively, then drew his hand back. “I can explain,” he said again. “Please let me.”

As if Joe could ever say
no
to Mackenzie. He stepped back and leaned against the counter, and he waited.

Chapter 18

M
ACKENZIE
KNEW
he only had one shot at this. If Joe had time to get his defenses up, there’d be no chance to get through them. It was only this way, with surprise on Mackenzie’s side, that he could make Joe hear him.

“I love you,” he said. Always good to start with something positive. “And I’m not leaving you. No way. If you want me gone, you have to kick me out. Otherwise, I’m here for good. Okay?”

Joe just stared at him.

“Okay,” Mackenzie said. He needed to keep the momentum up. “But things aren’t working the way they’ve been going. We need to make some changes.”

“Changes that involve having half the town in my living room?”

“Yeah,” Mackenzie said calmly. “That’s probably going to be part of it. Everybody in there is here for a reason. And they can all explain themselves better than I can. But the thing is, before we go in… I want you to
listen
to them, Joe. I need you to stop being a fucking martyr, carrying the whole world on your shoulders all by yourself.” Mackenzie had thought up clever words for all of this, a coherent speech complete with literary allusions and rhetorical devices, but now the ideas were all dancing around and refusing to stay organized. “It’s like in
The Little Prince.
Did you ever read that book? In French class, maybe,
Le Petit Prince
?”

Joe looked at him like he was crazy and slowly shook his head.

Not good. The allusion only really made sense if they’d both read the book. But Mackenzie didn’t seem to be able to shake himself off the path he was on. “There’s a fox. And the guy tames him. And then, once he’s tamed, the guy’s responsible for him. You know? Once you tame somebody, you have to take care of them.”

“I’m trying to get rid of animals, Mackenzie, not tame new ones.”

But Joe was just playing dumb. He understood the analogy. “You tamed
me
,” Mackenzie said patiently. “I fell in love with you. I know you tried to run away at first, and I think you were maybe a little psychic on that one. If I’d known what was coming, I’m not sure I’d have had the guts to go through with it. But I didn’t know, and I’m glad I didn’t, because I’m glad I’m with you, and I plan to stay there.” He stopped for a breath. Joe’s face was unreadable, but that was about the reaction Mackenzie had been expecting. He plunged on. “Joe, I
know
the kids need you. I get that, and I respect the hell out of you for making them a priority in your life. But the thing is?
I
need you too. You’re responsible for them, and it’s wearing you down, so I know it’s not fair to add a whole new responsibility, but that’s too bad. You’re responsible for me. I love you and I can’t live without you and I need more from you than you’re giving me. So there it is. That’s the hard part.”

Another deep breath, a chance for Joe to react if he was going to, and then Mackenzie spoke in a softer tone. “But the easy part? The easy part is in the living room, and they’re only the tip of the iceberg. They’re here to help with Kami and with whatever else you need help with. Because you’re not the only person in the world with a sense of responsibility, Joe, and you’re not the only person who’s interested in helping other people out. And from talking to Jean and Andy, I can tell you that you’re not the only person feeling guilty about not getting the kids out earlier. You do
not
have to do this alone.”

Joe hadn’t objected yet, so Mackenzie pushed a little further. “And you
and
them should stop feeling guilty. Remember what you told me after those rednecks tried to cause trouble after the movie? I said it was my fault they’d come after us, and you said it wasn’t. You said that’s what they want us to believe, but it’s not true. You know whose fault it was that the girls’ father was an abusive asshole? It was the girls’ father’s fault. That’s it. You know who probably had a duty to get them out of there? Their mother. You aren’t Superman, Joe. You’re not in charge of the whole world.”

Mackenzie took the chance now, stepping a little closer and reaching out to rest his palm on Joe’s chest. “So you need to let go of that guilt. And you need to let me help you with that. Because we tamed each
other
, Joe. I’m just as responsible for you as you are for me, and one of the things that made me unhappy was realizing that and knowing I wasn’t doing my job. I wasn’t taking care of you. But I will now.”

Joe was on the edge. Mackenzie could feel it. He wanted to believe, wanted to make this work, but there was his old fear, his old stubborn independence. Mackenzie forced himself to seem calm as he said, “I used to think it was stupid when people used the word
partner
to refer to their boyfriends. It sounded so sterile and passionless. But now I understand what they mean. I want us to be partners. If you take something on, I want you to count on me to help you with it. I want you to fucking
talk to me
about it before you take it on, but that’s a fight for another day. For now, I want to be your partner. Your boyfriend and your lover and your sweet schnookums too. I want all of that, and I want you to give it to me, and I’m going to help you get yourself in a place where you
can
give it to me. Okay?”

“What exactly are we talking about, here?” Joe’s hand moved as if of its own volition, sliding up and then wrapping its fingers through Mackenzie’s. “I want this to work. I want to give you what you need. But, seriously, Mackenzie, why are all those people in my living room?”

Mackenzie felt a bubble of hope growing in his chest. Joe was listening. He was willing to try. “We can go find out, if you want.”

“Wait. Why are you even here? What about that job? The American line, or whatever?”

“I cancelled it,” Mackenzie said airily. “I don’t really think I want to model anymore.” He raised an eyebrow at Joe’s surprised expression. “Oh. I suppose I could have discussed that with you first. In the postrevolutionary world, I will absolutely talk to you about that sort of thing. But this was a decision made under the old regime. Prepartnership. So I did whatever I wanted without bothering to talk to you about it. That must be really annoying, huh?”

“Is the new regime going to be a lot more sarcastic?” Joe asked mildly. “Because I’m not sure I’m in favor of that.”

Mackenzie smiled at him and squeezed his fingers. “The new regime will be whatever we want it to be,” he said. And he truly believed it. “Now, come in and be dazzled by the possibilities.”

Joe did as he was told. Mackenzie was pretty sure the dazed compliance would wear off at some point, but at least temporarily Joe was playing along. He made his way into the living room and sat down where he was told, then waited quietly as Mackenzie settled himself.

It was strange to have all these people looking to him for leadership. One more innovation for the new regime, he supposed, and he tried to rise to the challenge. “We all care about the Walton kids,” he said, nodding in Lacey’s direction to acknowledge her special connection. “And we all want to help. So far, Joe’s been doing most of the work, and he’s been doing a great job, but he can’t keep working that hard.” He paused and gave Joe a hard, warning look. “It’d be pretty insulting to the people in this room to think he’s the only one who could do a good job with the kids.” He leaned back in his chair a little before adding, “But obviously continuity is important. The kids need to know who’s in charge of them, need to come home to the same house and have the same routines. That’s a job for Joe and me.” He looked at Joe to see if he would object to the two-person team, but saw no reaction. “I’m taking steps to be home more, and I’ll play a more active role when I’m here.” That earned him a warning look from Joe, and he hastened to add, “Because I’m an adult and I make my own decisions and I know what’s important to me and what isn’t. And I’m happy to let go of the unimportant in service of the important.”

Joe still didn’t look thrilled, and Mackenzie decided to get the rest of the bad news out of the way all at once. “And Ally’s not going to do the science-exploration thing this semester. She says she wouldn’t enjoy it if she was worried about things at home all the time, and she’s got a line on a great job at the vet clinic that’ll give her some real experience and look good on her vet-school application but that’ll give her enough free time to still help out around the farm.”

“No, Ally,” Joe said. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! The places you’re going to see? The stuff you’ll learn? You can’t pass that up.”

“I’ll learn stuff here,” she said nonchalantly. “And I don’t believe in ‘once in a lifetime.’ I’ll find something just as good and do it when the timing’s better. Lacey and I are thinking about taking weekend trips—places closer to home that are still totally worth seeing. And for some of them we could bring Kami or Savannah, or maybe both of them. And I’m
psyched
for the vet clinic. They said I can help with surgeries! They wouldn’t let me do that when I was just a co-op student.” She beamed at Joe and wiggled her fingers. “These hands, inside an animal! It’s going to be excellent!”

Joe didn’t look too impressed. “We can talk about it later,” he said threateningly.

Mackenzie decided to let that one go. “Lacey wanted to quit school and help out full-time—” Joe had his mouth open, but Mackenzie held up a hand to silence him. “But I said no because I’m not completely insane. We can discuss that decision if you want, Joe, but I was pretty confident you’d agree with it. Everyone finishes high school. That’s the bare minimum. Right?”

“Of course that’s right,” Joe sputtered.

“Good, we agree. So Lacey’s going to stay in school. She’ll help out like she’s been doing, and she’d like to learn more about the animals, if that’s okay with you. When Ally goes to school in the fall, you’ll need a farmhand, and Lacey’s interested in giving that a try.”

“You should be going to college too,” Joe tried.

“I have absolutely zero interest in higher education,” she replied. “At least not right now. I figure I can work for a while, get the family straightened out, and if something comes up that I’m interested in, I’ll give it a try. There’s no point in wasting money when I don’t know what I want.”

“We can talk about
that
later too,” Joe muttered.

“Sarah wants to take over the paperwork,” Mackenzie said quickly, before Joe got sidetracked. “For Kami’s schooling, but for the farm and the house too.”

“You’ve always hated it,” she said calmly. “And I think it’s fun. *So I’ll do the bill payments, make the applications for bursaries or whatever for Kami. All that stuff. I’ve got it covered.”

“You’re a sick woman,” Joe said, but he wasn’t arguing.

“Will’s going to be on call,” Mackenzie said. Joe still didn’t know about the impending baby, but that was one more conversation that could wait for another day. “We figured he’s the one you’re most likely to ask for help.”

“And you’d better do it,” Will said, “Or I’m going to come over and just start doing random shit. You’ll come in from the barn one night and I’ll have painted a room or something. Not a room that needed painting, not a color you like, just me, pretending to be useful. That’s what’ll happen if you don’t direct my energies.” He looked around the living room thoughtfully, then said, “Maybe a nice light peach.”

“Don’t paint the living room,” Joe said. He turned back to Mackenzie. “I’m afraid to ask what everyone else is here for.”

“We’re here to represent the community,” Vince Deacon said. “I’m here to remind you that you’ve given a lot over the years, to a lot of different people. The fire department is just one way you’ve been of service to others. I want to tell you we’ll be happy to have you back once your wrist is better. But if you can’t make it back, that’s okay too. You’ve done your time. You’ve served the community, and if you’re busy serving in a different way right now, we want to help you with that.”

“I’m president of the Rotary Club,” Clayton MacIlray said. “We’ve already talked about finding a way to help the Walton girls out, and since Lacey apparently isn’t going to need a scholarship, we’re out of ideas. You need to help us find ways to help them.”

“And I wanted to let you know that the school is absolutely dedicated to finding ways to make Kami welcome there,” Kathryn Webb added. “We’ll get her the help she needs. If the school board won’t fund enough staff, we’ll find volunteers or whatever else it takes. You need to know she’s safe and happy from eight thirty to three thirty, and we can do that.”