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Authors: Getting Old Is Murder

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"Now what, what?" Evvie asks in return.

"Are we going to the get-together? Everybody said they
were going after the services," says Bella.

"Do we have to? I'm afraid to look anybody in the eye
after missing it. We'll be the laughing-stocking of Lanai Gardens,"
says Sophie, Queen of Malapropisms.

"Well, I don't care. We'll get to talk to Jerry and Ilene
and the kids. It's the least we can do," says Ida.

"I agree," Evvie adds.

"All right," I say. "Where are they having it?" The
incredible silence that follows says it all.

"Nobody took down the name of the restaurant? Or the
address?" I say, gritting my teeth.

"I think it starts with an
M,"
Sophie
contributes.

"You mean like meshugeneh, like all of you?" I say to
them. "I can't believe this is happening. Why do I have to be
responsible for everything? I left one thing up to you to take care of
. . ." I sigh. "Is it at any of the places we usually go? Everybody
think
!"

"No," Ida says. "I remember saying to someone I never
heard of that restaurant before."

"It's someplace in Margate, or maybe Tamarac," says
Sophie.

"It could even be Boca Raton," says Bella.

"Well, that's that," says Evvie.

Another long silence.

"I can't do it!" Bella cries.

"Do what?" I ask.

"Just go home and do nothing. I won't be able to stand
it."

"Me, too. I don't want to be alone," says Sophie. "I'll
just keep crying."

"We can go somewhere for lunch by ourselves. I could
eat." Ida says this with no conviction whatsoever. It gets the silence
it deserves.

I walk over to Francie's coffin, sitting out here in the
hot sun waiting for the groundskeepers to come and slowly lower it into
that horrifying gaping hole.

I bend toward it, cupping my ear as if listening. "What?
What's that you say?" The others turn and gawk. Finally I straighten
up. "Well, it's peculiar, but if that's what you want, Francie."

I start walking away. The girls look at one another,
befuddled. I call over my shoulder. "Francie told me what she wants us
to do. Come on."

They just stand there. "Come
on,
girls."

They run after me, puzzled but obedient, as Bella says,
"Oh, not again over those dead bodies!" And Ida calls back to the
casket, "Rest in peace, Francie, you hear!"

Five minutes later I pull into the parking lot of the
Seminole Indian Bingo Hall and Casino. They are staring at me
incredulously, and I tell them as I park the car, "Francie said that we
should win the pick-a-pet for her!"

I open the trunk where all our bingo gear is always at
the ready. Before they start grabbing for them, I raise my hand in
warning. I tell them that they are never, never, under penalty of
torture, to tell anybody where we went after Francie's funeral.

I had to think of something to save this god-awful day.
And knowing Francie, if she could have whispered anything at all to me,
she would have said, "
Carpe Diem,
babe--seize the day. What the
hell--PLAY BINGO!"

14

Murder Will Out

T
he quiet is deafening, if that makes any sense. Since
Francie's funeral last week, a pall has fallen over Lanai Gardens. Our
friends and neighbors go about their day's activities very quietly.
When people speak, they speak in whispers. There are none of the usual
complaints about the weather. Francie made a difference in our lives
and her loss is beyond measure. And maybe because it is Francie, we
think about our own mortality. Especially we who live by ourselves. It
brings an icy feeling to the back of the neck to think about dying all
alone.

Francie's family went back to New Jersey
after Evvie and I offered to take care of disposing of the rest of her
things. Their instructions were: Take something to remember her by, and
give everything else to charity.

Now Evvie and I are in Francie's apartment
early in the morning. The first twenty minutes, we do nothing but just
sit here and think of Francie in this place she loved. Her apartment
reflects the bright and cheerful person she was. Her fabric colors are
lemon, coral, and avocado green; her furniture style, light and airy
wicker.

"Let's do the bedroom first," I say, to
make a start. As we get up, Sophie flings open the front door and
hurries in.

"Your coffee and bagels," she announces.

"Thanks, Soph," Evvie says. "Just leave
them on the sink."

We start working on the closets, but are
aware that Sophie hasn't left. We hear her clattering about.

"What are you doing, Soph?" I call out.

"You work, don't worry about me. I'll just
kibitz."

Evvie and I exchange glances. Does that
mean she plans to keep talking and drive us crazy?

We box Francie's clothes, and what a
painful task it is. Remembering when she wore what. Remembering her
laughter. And how she made everything fun.

Sophie's head pops into the doorway. "She
did have aspirin," she says as if continuing some earlier discussion.

"Why?" asks Evvie. "Do you have a headache?"

"I read somewhere that if you're having a
heart attack, someone should give you an aspirin. It could have saved
Francie." She looks at us, eager to share her knowledge.

Exasperated, Evvie says, "But she was
alone,
Sophie."

"Well, maybe we should all carry aspirin
all over our bodies from now on." She waits for a response.

"Thank you for sharing that. Don't you have
someplace to go?"

"Not 'til two when we play cards." She
disappears back into the kitchen-living room area.

Evvie holds up a beautiful peach organza
cocktail gown. "Remember?" she asks.

"Jerry and Ilene's wedding."

Evvie nods and folds it away carefully. She
opens the next drawer. "Oh," she cries out.

"What?" I pull my head out of the closet.

Evvie is holding up Francie's favorite
sweatshirt, the one that says "Death by Chocolate." "She loved this
crazy shirt." With that she starts to cry.

"We can't keep doing this. We'll never get
done," I say as gently as I can.

"That's just it! I don't ever want to get
done, because that will be the last we have of her."

We hear more noise from the kitchen. Sophie
calls out, "You know how neat and clean she was. If Francie could see
the crumbs in her sink, she'd die!"

"I'm going to wring her neck," Evvie says
through gritted teeth.

I laugh. Everyone should have some comic
relief in their lives. "Just leave it, Soph, we'll get someone in to
clean."

The doorbell rings. "I'll get it," Sophie
calls. As she opens the door, we hear her voice turn all sugary. "Well,
hello there. Please do come in."

"Bet you five dollars." Evvie smirks.

"No bet. It can only be--" I call out, "Is
that you, Mr. Slezak?"

Evvie and I return to the living room and
there he is--gold chains gleaming.

"Good morning, beautiful ladies," he says,
saluting us with his dirty white Panama hat as he snoops around. "I see
by your hard work you are earning stars in your crown."

Evvie snarls at him, "Jews don't get stars
in crowns!"

"Well, so call it a mitzvah, this good
deed."

"My Stanley used to say, 'One mitzvah could
change the world, two could make you tired,'" Sophie adds.

"Why are you here, Mr. Slezak?" I ask.

"Leo,
why do you fight calling me
Leo?"

"So,
Mr. Slezak,
" Evvie says
deliberately, "tell us what you want."

"I need a set of keys. The family, such
nice people, gave me the listing."

Evvie groans. We forgot to warn Jerry.

"Grave robber," Evvie mutters.

"You'll leave the furniture for a while? A
property always shows better with a little interior decor."

"What difference will that make," Evvie
says, losing her patience. "You'll never sell it anyway."

"How can you show such cruelty?" He pleads,
"Don't I live here, too, among you? Am I not one of us?"

Evvie smirks at his pathetic parody of
The
Merchant of Venice.

"I work my buns off for you ladies. And why
haven't you taken advantage of my 'Save Your Family Grief' program? A
little rider added to the will about disposal of assets--"

"I
have," chirps Sophie.

"We've already saved our families from
grief, thank you," I inform him. "We have it in our wills to give our
apartments to the first homeless people they see, rather than let
Sunrise-Sunset Real Estate get their paws on it."

Leo shrugs. He tried.

Evvie unclasps an extra key from her key
ring and tosses it at him. "Don't slam the door on your way out."

"I'll walk you," Sophie says, almost
drooling as she clutches at his arm and apologizes for our rudeness.

An hour goes swiftly by and we are making
good progress. The refrigerator is almost emptied when a familiar
doggie bag catches my eye. "Evvie, look. From dinner . . . our last
dinner together. Remember, Francie took home the chocolate cake. She
never ate it."

"That's not like her."

"Maybe she never got the chance." We look
at each other considering what that means. For a moment I hesitate, and
then I say what's been on my mind. "There's something I want to discuss
with you. Something really serious."

Evvie looks at me, alarmed.

"Coincidences. I've been thinking there
have been too many. Selma and Francie."

"What are you talking about?" Evvie asks,
now more puzzled than alarmed.

"The birthdays for starters. Selma and
Francie both died on the night before their birthday. Both were very
healthy. Both died suddenly of heart attacks. With no history of heart
attacks that we know of. They both died alone. Both were trying to
reach for the phone. And there's something about that damn phone that's
driving me up the wall and I can't remember what it is."

"But isn't it possible? Couldn't it have
happened like that?"

"Yes. However, Miss Marple and I agree--we
don't believe in coincidences."

"Oh, you and your mystery books--"

"I learn a lot from them. What it's
beginning to sound like is an M.O."

"Again from the mysteries?"

"As in 'modus operandi,' the method used in
a crime."

"A crime?" Now the worry lines appear on
her face.

"As in murder--"

The doorbell rings and we both jump.

"Later," I say as I go to answer, hoping it
isn't Sophie again.

Surprisingly, it is Harriet Feder, carrying
a small basket.

"Come on in," Evvie calls out warmly.

"I hope I'm not interrupting. I took the
day off, and I thought maybe I could help in some way." She indicates
the basket. "A snack for the hard workers."

"Thanks, Harriet, that's really very
thoughtful. You're not sick . . . ?"

"No. I just can't get over Francie. . . . I
started to go to work and then I said the hell with it. The hospital
can manage without me for a day or two. Considering how low the pay is,
anyway. Then I sat around the apartment feeling depressed. I need to do
something.
"

"We'll take all the help we can get," Evvie
says.

"We're just about to start on the dishes,"
I tell her.

"I'll pass them down, you put them in the
cartons," I say as I head towards the kitchen cabinets.

"OK. Keeping busy will help."

"How's your mother?" Evvie asks.

"She's fine. The usual aches and pains. I
just wish I could find a way to make her accept being in that chair.
She was always such an independent person."

Evvie and I exchange glances. To us, Esther
Feder seems quite happy in that chair as long as she can boss everyone
around. Especially Harriet.

We all work quietly for a while, then
Harriet starts to clear the knickknacks off a corner shelf. She picks
up one of many birthday cards that still linger there as a silent
reminder. "This must be from Denny. He always sends such sweet, simple
cards." She looks inside and smiles. "How does he always remember? I
know the cards he sends me are always on time."

"That's easy," Evvie says. "About five
years ago, we had a crafts class in the rec room and Denny attended. He
made this birthday reminder calendar and it got him so excited, he went
to each and every person in Phase Two and got them to mark down their
dates."

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