Rock Bottom: Dark Moments In Music Babylon (12 page)
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Authors: Pamela Des Barres
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When the album was completed, everybody involved knew it was going to be colossal. Kurt had his usual fun with the bio, claiming that he had been a “sawblade painter specializing in wildlife and landscapes.” Nirvana did a short stint with Dinosaur Jr., then opened for Sonic Youth on a tour of European festivals. In England Kurt and Courtney met up and had a few backstage words. During the filming of a documentary, Courtney leaned into the camera and announced, “Kurt Cobain makes my heart stop. But he’s a shit.” Later Kurt whispered into her ear, “I never would have picked on you in high school,” like he knew her inside out. But they still didn’t hook up. When the object of her passion left that night with two girls, Courtney yelled, “I hope you get fucked!”
Nirvana began their own headlining tour days before the September 24 release of
Nevermind.
When Courtney heard from a friend that Kurt had been talking about her, she tracked him down on the road and they spent hours on the phone, finally meeting up at a party in Chicago, where the rock-and-roll mating ritual continued. Courtney had brought a bag of sexy lingerie with her, and Kurt tried it all on for her. They were thrown out of the party twice before heading back to the hotel room Kurt shared with Dave. The mating lovebirds were so loud that Dave was forced to spend the night with the soundman.
Nevermind.
When Courtney heard from a friend that Kurt had been talking about her, she tracked him down on the road and they spent hours on the phone, finally meeting up at a party in Chicago, where the rock-and-roll mating ritual continued. Courtney had brought a bag of sexy lingerie with her, and Kurt tried it all on for her. They were thrown out of the party twice before heading back to the hotel room Kurt shared with Dave. The mating lovebirds were so loud that Dave was forced to spend the night with the soundman.
Nevermind
was flying out of the stores, but Kurt was in turmoil. He had always felt it was “us against them” and now a whole bunch of “them” were buying his record. The band took their confusion out on their instruments, thrashing them to bits. Kurt threw fits. “We were feeling so weird because we were being treated like kings, so we had to destroy everything,” Kurt said. “I was obnoxious and showing my weenie and acting like a fag and dancing around and wearing dresses and just being drunk … . I was out of control.”
was flying out of the stores, but Kurt was in turmoil. He had always felt it was “us against them” and now a whole bunch of “them” were buying his record. The band took their confusion out on their instruments, thrashing them to bits. Kurt threw fits. “We were feeling so weird because we were being treated like kings, so we had to destroy everything,” Kurt said. “I was obnoxious and showing my weenie and acting like a fag and dancing around and wearing dresses and just being drunk … . I was out of control.”
Said the
Alternative Press:
“In September 1991 Nirvana was just a local cult, the latest alternative morsel to drop down Geffen’s gullet. By October they were U2 and Springsteen, Presley and the Pistols, rolled into one snarling bundle.”
Nevermind
appeared on hard rock, modern rock, college, AOR, and CHR stations, and
Billboard
called it a “cross-format phenomenon.” “It was like I went to bed one evening and everything was fine,” Kurt said, “but when I woke up the next morning they said on the news that I was an escaped Nazi child killer.”
Alternative Press:
“In September 1991 Nirvana was just a local cult, the latest alternative morsel to drop down Geffen’s gullet. By October they were U2 and Springsteen, Presley and the Pistols, rolled into one snarling bundle.”
Nevermind
appeared on hard rock, modern rock, college, AOR, and CHR stations, and
Billboard
called it a “cross-format phenomenon.” “It was like I went to bed one evening and everything was fine,” Kurt said, “but when I woke up the next morning they said on the news that I was an escaped Nazi child killer.”
Courtney showed up at various gigs along the way and Kurt’s spirits improved. At the October 29 show in Portland, Nirvana learned they had gone gold. While they were on tour in Europe, they were told that
Nevermind
had reached platinum. In December they knocked Michael Jackson out of the number-one spot. It didn’t seem to make much difference to Nirvana. The touring was constant and it was wearing thin. Chris had a severe drinking problem, and despite the fact that Kurt was stressed out and very ill with bronchitis and chronic stomach pain, he and Courtney were dabbling with heroin. Kurt later insisted that
he
had instigated it and did a lot more of the drug than Courtney.
Nevermind
had reached platinum. In December they knocked Michael Jackson out of the number-one spot. It didn’t seem to make much difference to Nirvana. The touring was constant and it was wearing thin. Chris had a severe drinking problem, and despite the fact that Kurt was stressed out and very ill with bronchitis and chronic stomach pain, he and Courtney were dabbling with heroin. Kurt later insisted that
he
had instigated it and did a lot more of the drug than Courtney.
Back in Seattle, Kurt found himself a heroin dealer, determined to get a habit, claiming that it was the only way he could numb his pain. When Hole got back from their European tour, Kurt and Courtney stayed in various L.A. hotels, shooting what Courtney called “bad Mexican L.A. heroin.”
During the January 1992 taping of “Saturday Night Live,” Chris and Dave realized how bad Kurt’s habit had gotten, and Courtney wrongly got some of the blame.
Bam
magazine was the first to point the needle at Kurt, stating that he was “nodding off in mid-sentence … . The pinned pupils, sunken cheeks and scabbed, sallow skin suggest something more serious than fatigue.” Though Courtney claimed it was a “drug love thing,” Kurt insisted he used heroin to kill his pain.
Bam
magazine was the first to point the needle at Kurt, stating that he was “nodding off in mid-sentence … . The pinned pupils, sunken cheeks and scabbed, sallow skin suggest something more serious than fatigue.” Though Courtney claimed it was a “drug love thing,” Kurt insisted he used heroin to kill his pain.
When they got back from New York, Kurt and Courtney moved into an apartment in Hollywood, where they cuddled up and watched TV Kurt painted and played his guitar. Every morning he would go to the dealer’s house and bring home the heroin. Courtney only used a little bit each day, but Kurt had a hundred-dollar-a-day habit. At least his stomach wasn’t killing him.
When they discovered she was pregnant, Kurt and Courtney went to a birth-defects specialist who told them that heroin use during the first trimester of pregnancy was virtually harmless, although down the line there could be a minimal risk of learning disabilities. “Having a kid is a big deal,” Kurt said. “It’s one of the biggest things that can happen to you. It’s corny, but all kinds of different people, including punk rockers, do react that way.” The couple detoxed together, and Kurt said it wasn’t “too bad … . I just slept for three days and woke up.” Courtney didn’t agree. “It was gross. That was a sick scene if ever there was a sick scene.”
After the video shoot of the second single, “Come As You Are,” Nirvana went to Australia, where Kurt’s stomach problems were so intense he called Courtney, sobbing in pain. Everybody assumed he was still shooting heroin. One emergency room doctor believed Kurt was detoxing and wouldn’t even treat him. Angry and miserable, Kurt finally located a “rock” doctor who gave him the drug Physeptone, which amazingly took away his pain. Later he found out he had been taking methadone and had become hooked. He was soon back on heroin.
Courtney Love became Mrs. Cobain in Waikiki, Hawaii, on February 24, 1992. The bride was pregnant, the groom was weepy and smacked out. And despite Chris and Shelli’s no-show (they assumed Courtney was doing drugs and were making a statement), Courtney said the wedding was “transcendent.” In an interview with
Rolling Stone
, conducted under the covers in his pj’s, Kurt said his relationship with Courtney was like “Evian water and battery acid,” and when you mix the two, “you get love.”
Rolling Stone
, conducted under the covers in his pj’s, Kurt said his relationship with Courtney was like “Evian water and battery acid,” and when you mix the two, “you get love.”
Kurt deeply resented his fame, spending almost all his time in the Hollywood apartment with Courtney doing his drugs in the closet so she wouldn’t be tempted. He and Courtney saw a sonogram of the perfectly developing baby girl and Kurt insisted Frances gave him the forefinger/pinkie heavy-metal salute. He refused to tour, because he wanted to be with his pregnant wife, and his relationship with the rest of Nirvana was strained. The band almost shattered when Kurt decided that, since he was the songwriter, he should get 75 percent of the music-writing royalties (they had been splitting it three ways). And the situation got worse when Kurt demanded that the new arrangement be retroactive. Chris and Dave finally agreed to the split, but feelings were bitter.
In April Kurt made another attempt to kick his habit, checking into Exodus Recovery Center, a rock-star rehab in Marina del Rey. He thought the former rocker hippies who ran the place were pretentious. He lasted four days. His habit got worse.
During a short tour in Europe, Kurt convulsed over breakfast in a Belfast hotel because he had forgotten to take his methadone the night before, and was rushed to the hospital. Drug rumors were somehow quashed: The story was Kurt had a bleeding ulcer because of all the junk food he’d been eating. Courtney was six months pregnant, moody and rude. Gold Mountain paid two people to watch over the couple, who were checking into hotels as “Mr. and Mrs. Simon Ritchie” (Sid Vicious’s real name). Angry about the monitoring, one night “the Ritchies” made an escape and checked into another hotel. There was pandemonium.
In July Courtney’s band, Hole, signed to Geffen for a million dollars. Kurt’s heroin habit was now up to four hundred dollars a day. “I ended up doing a hundred-dollar shot in one shot and not even feeling it hardly. I was just filling
up the syringe as far as it could go without pulling the end off. At that point, it was like, why do it?” He checked into Cedars-Sinai for a twenty-five-day detox. During that time Courtney’s
Vanity Fair
article hit the stands.
up the syringe as far as it could go without pulling the end off. At that point, it was like, why do it?” He checked into Cedars-Sinai for a twenty-five-day detox. During that time Courtney’s
Vanity Fair
article hit the stands.
Besides describing Courtney as having a “train wreck personality,” suggesting that it was she who had turned Kurt on to heroin, the piece by Lynn Hirschberg quoted Courtney as saying that she had knowingly done heroin during her pregnancy. Hirschberg also insisted that “industry insiders” were concerned about the health of the Cobains’ unborn baby. And Courtney’s wickedly delightful sense of humor was portrayed as just plain wicked. She became so depressed about the piece (“I knew my world was over. I was dead. That was it”) that she checked herself into a hospital so she wouldn’t resort to getting high. Kurt was too weak and sick to understand what had hit him. While he detoxed, the stomach pain returned with a vengeance, but despite a battery of tests, doctors still didn’t have a clue. “He’d been crying for weeks,” Courtney said. “It was nothing
but
crying. All we
did
was cry. It was horrible.” When Kurt finally rallied, he wanted to kill Lynn Hirschberg. “As soon as I get out of this fucking hospital, I’m going to kill this woman with my bare hands. I’m going to stab her to death. First I’m going to take her dog and slit its guts out in front of her. And then shit all over her and stab her to death.”
but
crying. All we
did
was cry. It was horrible.” When Kurt finally rallied, he wanted to kill Lynn Hirschberg. “As soon as I get out of this fucking hospital, I’m going to kill this woman with my bare hands. I’m going to stab her to death. First I’m going to take her dog and slit its guts out in front of her. And then shit all over her and stab her to death.”
Frances Bean Cobain was born on the morning of August 18, after Courtney sashayed through the hospital—in labor—to get to Kurt, dragging her IV behind her, demanding that he attend his daughter’s birth. He somehow got to the delivery room, threw up, and passed out. During the birth experience, Courtney held Kurt’s hand and rubbed his tummy. Named after the Vaselines’ Frances McKee (“Bean” came from her kidney-bean shape in the sonogram), Frances weighed just over seven pounds and was perfectly healthy.
Due to the
Vanity Fair
article, Kurt and Courtney were forced by the Los Angeles County Department of Children’s Services to hand Frances over to Courtney’s sister Jamie when the baby was only two weeks old. It was a devastating, humiliating experience. For the next month Kurt and Courtney couldn’t be alone with their baby. The tabloids got in on the action, with headlines like ROCK STAR’S BABY BORN A JUNKIE. Kurt said he and Courtney were “totally suicidal.”
Vanity Fair
article, Kurt and Courtney were forced by the Los Angeles County Department of Children’s Services to hand Frances over to Courtney’s sister Jamie when the baby was only two weeks old. It was a devastating, humiliating experience. For the next month Kurt and Courtney couldn’t be alone with their baby. The tabloids got in on the action, with headlines like ROCK STAR’S BABY BORN A JUNKIE. Kurt said he and Courtney were “totally suicidal.”
But Nirvana played on. They arrived in England with the rock press raging that the band was breaking up due to Kurt’s poor health. At the Reading Festival, as a “fuck you,” Kurt rolled out onstage in a wheelchair, wearing a white hospital gown—and played the best show of his life.
Kurt wanted to perform his new song “Rape Me” at the MTV Awards, and when the organizers insisted on “Teen Spirit,” Nirvana decided they wouldn’t play at all. But after considering the repercussions with MTV involving other Geffen/Gold Mountain acts, they grudgingly settled on “Lithium.” Kurt freaked everybody out by launching into the first few bars of “Rape Me,”
“just to give them a little heart palpitation.” When he picked up the award for Best New Artist, Kurt smiled and said, “You know, it’s really hard to believe everything you read.” Backstage, Courtney mouthed off to Axl Rose and he pointed at Kurt, shrieking, “You shut your bitch up or I’m taking you down to the pavement!” Kurt pretended to stand up to Axl, then turned to Courtney and said, “Shut up, bitch!” She laughed her head off. Cutting into the tension, Axl’s model girlfriend asked Courtney if
she
was a model. Courtney responded, “No, are you a brain surgeon?”
“just to give them a little heart palpitation.” When he picked up the award for Best New Artist, Kurt smiled and said, “You know, it’s really hard to believe everything you read.” Backstage, Courtney mouthed off to Axl Rose and he pointed at Kurt, shrieking, “You shut your bitch up or I’m taking you down to the pavement!” Kurt pretended to stand up to Axl, then turned to Courtney and said, “Shut up, bitch!” She laughed her head off. Cutting into the tension, Axl’s model girlfriend asked Courtney if
she
was a model. Courtney responded, “No, are you a brain surgeon?”
The Cobains felt like they were under attack again when they learned about an unauthorized Nirvana biography being planned in England. In a total rage about his privacy being poked into one more time, Kurt left several threatening messages on the writers’ phone machine: “If anything comes out in this book which hurts my wife, I’ll fucking hurt you … . I love to be fucked, I love to be blackmailed, I’ll give you anything you want, I’m begging you, I’m on my knees and my mouth is wide open … . I don’t give a flying fuck if I have this recorded that I’m threatening you. I suppose I could throw out a few hundred thousand dollars to have you snuffed out, but maybe I’ll try the legal way first … .” The book was never published.
Beating out the bootleggers, in December 1992 Nirvana released
Incesticide,
an album of early material, B-sides, and outtakes. Kurt took the opportunity to rant in the liner notes, “Leave us the fuck alone!”
Incesticide,
an album of early material, B-sides, and outtakes. Kurt took the opportunity to rant in the liner notes, “Leave us the fuck alone!”
Kurt had his daughter back, but he and Courtney had to undergo regular urine tests and deal with the constant specter of social workers poking into their personal lives. It was all becoming too much. “No matter what we do, or how clean we live our lives,” Kurt told Michael Azzerad, “we’re not going to survive this because there are too many enemies and we threaten too many people. Everyone wants to see us die.”
For someone who wanted to hide, Kurt kept stirring up controversy. The February 1993 issue of the
Advocate
featured Kurt on the cover, and the interview stated that he thought he was gay back in high school: “I’m definitely gay in spirit, and I probably could be bisexual.” Later that month Nirvana headed for Minnesota to start work on their new album with producer Steve Albini, booking themselves as the Simon Ritchie Group. In a gutsy move, the band demanded to be left alone. No one from the record company or management would be allowed at the sessions. Albini wanted a live, natural sound, unlike the “controlled, compressed”
Nevermind. In Utero
was completed in two weeks. “They were very well prepared coming into the studio,” Albini said, “as prepared as any band I’ve worked with, and as easy to deal with as any band I’ve worked with.” Kurt’s lyrics really impressed him. “They’re so simple and to the point and so right. Something that would take me an hour to explain, Kurt would sum up in two words. That’s something he has that I’ve never seen in anyone else.” About Kurt’s lyrics, Courtney said, “He chews bubble gum in his soul.”
Advocate
featured Kurt on the cover, and the interview stated that he thought he was gay back in high school: “I’m definitely gay in spirit, and I probably could be bisexual.” Later that month Nirvana headed for Minnesota to start work on their new album with producer Steve Albini, booking themselves as the Simon Ritchie Group. In a gutsy move, the band demanded to be left alone. No one from the record company or management would be allowed at the sessions. Albini wanted a live, natural sound, unlike the “controlled, compressed”
Nevermind. In Utero
was completed in two weeks. “They were very well prepared coming into the studio,” Albini said, “as prepared as any band I’ve worked with, and as easy to deal with as any band I’ve worked with.” Kurt’s lyrics really impressed him. “They’re so simple and to the point and so right. Something that would take me an hour to explain, Kurt would sum up in two words. That’s something he has that I’ve never seen in anyone else.” About Kurt’s lyrics, Courtney said, “He chews bubble gum in his soul.”
Kurt wanted to call the album
I Hate Myself and I Want to Die,
then
Verse Chorus Verse,
before settling on
In Utero
after reading the phrase in one of Courtney’s poems. The back cover art, composed by Kurt, is an arrangement of plastic body parts, fetus models, and various flowers. “I always thought orchids, and especially lilies, look like a vagina,” he said, “so it’s sex and woman and
In Utero
and vaginas and birth and death.”
I Hate Myself and I Want to Die,
then
Verse Chorus Verse,
before settling on
In Utero
after reading the phrase in one of Courtney’s poems. The back cover art, composed by Kurt, is an arrangement of plastic body parts, fetus models, and various flowers. “I always thought orchids, and especially lilies, look like a vagina,” he said, “so it’s sex and woman and
In Utero
and vaginas and birth and death.”
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