Rock the Boat (32 page)

“I hope you’ll change your mind about the trip. If you or Noelle ever need anything, call me. I left my number on the mantle.”

“I don’t see that happening. Goodbye, Lincoln.”

He walks into the hallway, but before I close the door, he takes one last look over his shoulder and gives me a sad smile. For the smallest of seconds, I feel sorry for him. That is until I remember why he came to see me in the first place. Until Lincoln learns that money can’t buy happiness, I see him being a very disappointed person.

I become a very disappointed person when I finally get back to my coffee cup and the coffee’s cold. I pop it in the microwave, wondering how I’m ever going to explain the truth to Noelle. That he purposely pushed her away because she didn’t fit some cookie cutter ideal his mother would accept.

There’s never going to be an easy way or perfect time to break her heart, so I pick up my phone while I wait for my coffee to finish reheating. I’m about to press the button to call, but I hesitate. Lincoln should be the one doing this. I don’t want to be the one to tell her she’s not good enough when she’s absolutely everything—especially to me.

“Lark?”

I turn around so fast I bang my head off the cabinet door I never bothered to close. “Shit! What are you doing in my house?” I ask, grabbing my head in pain.

“Are you okay?” Grant rushes over to me, pushing my hand out of the way to inspect my head. “I didn’t mean to scare you. The door was unlocked.”

“Because someone just left. That doesn’t mean you can walk right in like you used to.”

“Who was here?”

“Nobody.” The last thing I’m going to do is explain any of this to him. “Why are
you
here?”

He avoids answering my question when his eyes spot the boxes. “Are you giving this place up because of me? You love living here. If you need help, I’ll write you a check.”

“Not everything is about you.” For once, I can tell Grant that my choices have absolutely nothing to do with him. What I’m doing is for me. It’s not to get farther away from him. “And why do you guys keep trying to shove your money at me. It doesn’t fix anything!”

“I don’t know who else is giving you money, but if it’s not about us living here together, why else would you give up this place. You talked about it for days when you found it you got it.”

“I’m making some changes, that’s all.”

“I ran into Noelle last night. She said you’re seeing some guy in a band.”

“He’s not some guy. He’s
the
guy.”

“And you’re moving in with him already? Don’t you think it’s a little fast?”

“Says the guy that couldn’t commit to one woman. But that’s beside the point. You may have crushed me at the time, but I’ve actually learned a really important lesson from you. Time means nothing. It doesn’t matter how long you’re with someone. It doesn’t matter how invested you are or what plans you’ve made. All that matters is that you’re happy. I’m done putting limits and boundaries on my life. I’m done waiting for more when I can have it today.”

“Lark, just because I made a mistake doesn’t mean I don’t love you. You’re still my girl. You’re the one I want to be with.”

I set my mug on the counter and walk into the living room where I continue to box up the novels I’ve been collecting for as long as I can remember. Each one contains a story I fell in love with. They’re stories I have used as an escape when the real world was too much to handle—when fiction was easier to process than reality.

He follows me, watching me for a minute before becoming frustrated. “Will you stop with the books and look at me?”

I don’t stop. It’s been thirteen weeks since I let Grant go, since I let him have what I wasn’t able to give him. I picked myself apart, wondering what made him want her more than me. I came to the conclusion it doesn’t matter what she looks like, where she works, or how she treats Grant. She’s
his
little bit of fiction—his escape from reality. And I can’t be with someone who needs an escape that doesn’t live in the pages of a book. His escape is much too real.

“Lark, please. I need you to hear me.”

“I hear you loud and clear, Grant. I’ve been listening for so long, but I never actually heard what you were saying until I walked in and saw you with someone else. It was then I realized there’s always been someone else. There will
always
be someone else.”

“What are you talking about? That’s not true.”

“All those times I called you and you were busy. All those times you had something suddenly come up. All the excuses you made. It was all because you wanted the best of both words—the relationship with the freedom. You finally have it. You got your wish. You’re free to do whatever you want and you won’t be hurting me anymore while you do it.”

“You’re really going to hold this one mistake against me.”

“We both know it was more than one mistake. You may have only gotten caught once, but this is what you do. It’s how you operate. Being with one person for the rest of your life terrifies you.”

He shakes his head, moving a little closer to me. “Being without you is what terrifies me, Lark.”

“If you were so worried about life without me, you wouldn’t have done what you did when you had me. I was yours. I was one hundred percent committed to you for the rest of my life. I opened my home to you, my heart, all of me.”

He closes his eyes and exhales. When he opens them back up, he says, “I’m fighting for you because I love you, Lark. I need you back.”

“There’s nothing to fight for. You already lost me when you decided I wasn’t enough.”

“You are enough. You have been since college. Don’t you remember what it was like back then?”

“A part of me will always care about you, but I’m not the girl you met in college anymore. I haven’t been for a long time. I’m ready for my happily ever after, Grant, and you can’t give it to me anymore.”

Like I kicked him in the ribs, he leans forward with his head in his hands. “That girl—the one you saw me with. She’s a secretary at work. I don’t even like her. ”

“But she’s a good lay, right? And if your dick’s happy, then you’re happy?”

He lifts his head, his mouth hanging open like he can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth. “Why are you acting like this?”

“How am I acting?”

“Like we didn’t share a life together. Like it’s easy for you to walk away from me.”

“Easy? Do you think it was easy walking in your apartment and seeing you screwing someone else? Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? The way you looked at her. The way she looked at you. I didn’t even recognize you that night, but it didn’t matter because whoever you were, you broke my heart no matter who you were pretending to be. I’ll never trust you again—especially with my heart.”

He stands up and moves to me with a purpose. I’m aware of how close he is, but I don’t dare look at him. Mostly because one look from those eyes and I’ll be transported back to that Halloween night when he was as crucial as my next breath. When I fell in love with him for the very first time.

“Babe, please look at me.” I shake my head, but he doesn’t take no for an answer. With his thumb and index finger, he raises my chin so I have no choice but to see all of him. “I can’t change what I did, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less. You’re my girl. You’re the one I’ll always want.”

“Why’d you do it?” I don’t know why I ask. Maybe I’m caught up in the moment, or maybe I’m simply a glutton for punishment. His answer won’t change how I feel about him, but it might help me understand. And I desperately want to understand.

“Nothing I can say about her will help. It’ll only hurt you more.”

“Try,” I whisper, as tears leak from the corners of my eyes. “Try and tell me why you did it. Was sex with me so bad that you had to go elsewhere? I would have tried other things with you, but you never once made it seem like I wasn’t giving you enough. I didn’t know you were bored, Grant. I didn’t know.” I hate that I’m trying to take some of the blame for our demise. Breaking down in front of him makes me look weak when I’ve already moved on.

Grant’s eyes water and he reaches out for me, pulling me into his lap as he sits down in the chair by the door. I let him touch me because I realize this is it for us. Once we’re done having this conversation, he won’t be in my life anymore. I may never see him another day and that makes me feel worse than being angry with him for what he did. Regardless of how my heart is breaking into a million pieces all over again, all it takes is one quick flash of the girl with the raven hair for me to remember why this is the right decision. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to get the memory of her out of my system. When I think of Grant, I’ll see her. When I see her, I’ll be reminded of what they did.

I pull away from him, but he holds me tighter, not letting me leave. “I’m so sorry. You have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt you. I was stupid. I thought I was invincible—that no matter what I did, I’d never lose you. I’m not invincible, Lark, and I need you now more than ever.”

I curl up in a tighter ball, sobbing against his chest. My tears soak through the navy fabric of his shirt, dampening my cheek even more. “You brought me to life. I was a shy girl who lacked confidence and you made me feel like I could do anything. I don’t hate you, Grant. I’m so mad at you, but I’m done hating you.”

“We can try again, Lark. I promise we can still have it all.”

I wrap my arms around his neck, getting lost in his woodsy scent one last time. “You’re right, I can have it all.” I whisper against his skin. “I just can’t have it with you. I’m in love with Easton. He’s the one I want to be with.” As soon as I tell him the truth, I realize it’s time to let go. Only instead of dropping my arms and walking away, I hold on for dear life, afraid that once I let go, it will be like he never existed.

“Don’t do this, Lark.”

When I finally find the courage to get up, I’m not prepared for the loss that consumes me. Part of me is still holding on while the other is already past my life with Grant. “I didn’t do this. I didn’t make this decision for us. You ended it, Grant, and now I have to walk away. I have a great guy waiting for me. It’s time.”

His hands stay on me until the last possible second. When he sees me standing with the door open, he closes his eyes slowly, blinking away his own tears. I hate that it took him losing me to realize what he had all along. I hate even more that I had to be the one to lay it out for him to understand.

I’ve seen Grant cry twice in all the years we were together. Once it was because he slammed his finger in the car door, the other when his grandmother died. I laughed at him about the door and I let him cry on my shoulder for the other. Today his tears are for me, and I can’t console him for any of them. He’s on his own now. He has to live with his mistakes.

“I’m sorry I fucked up. I love you, Lark. Even if you can’t be with me, I’ll never stop loving you.”

As soon as the door closes, I lock it, falling to the floor next to my pile of paperbacks. The first one I grab, I throw across the room. It hits the front of the stove, bounces off, and slides across the floor next to the trash can. How symbolic.

I have a million things to do before we leave in two days, but at the top of my list is getting Lark moved out of her apartment. I promised her I’d be by her side, helping to make this transition as easy as possible, especially since I’m the one that put her in this situation to begin with. Trust me, I get it. I get how I came back into her life like a tornado, upending every root she had planted so firmly.