Rodeo (BBW Cowboy Romance) (BBW Western Romance) (12 page)

I was relieved to hear her words but intrigued by her last comments, “What do you mean Grandma?”

Knowing that the tea would now be perfectly brewed, Grandma poured tea into each cup and looked up at the wall on the kitchen wall, “Listen, Grandpa will be back shortly and we can't keep condemning him to the farmyard every time we need to talk, so, let's postpone this discussion until after lunch and we'll take a walk down by the lake … more privacy and a little fresh air will help things along, I promise you.”

With those wise words we agreed to prepare lunch and after clearing up we'd take a stroll through the fields and hang out by the river.  I rose from the table just as Grandpa walked through the door, kicking off his boots and negotiating Dollie's excited dancing, he kissed both Grandma and myself and sat waiting at the table for his lunchtime feed.  It was so comforting just being around these guys, they were my grounding, my stability and my trust, a shining example for anyone to follow, I'd made the right decision by coming home.

Down by the river it was peaceful, only the consistent singing of the birds broke the silence.  Compared to the steely, grey landscape of the city, I was now enveloped in a vibrant spectrum of color and stimulus, a gift of inspiration and even though I was finding it difficult to find any personal inspiration, I knew there was no better place to find a solution to my problems, and Grandma was no better person to discuss them with.  Talking with Tommy was so good but he was biased as to the outcome of my ultimate decision, of course he wanted me to leave John and move back to the country but then what? To be together, for me to be on the farm and him to continue on the ranch, we hadn't really gotten that far in terms of future plans but for me that kind of deduction was too far away.

Sitting side by side, mesmerized by the movement of the river, Grandma broke the silence, “Do you think at the end of all of this you are in control of the outcome?”

I was slightly confused by the question, “What do you mean, with regards to John or Tommy?”

“Well, you may be sitting here thinking that you need to decide whether or not you want to be with John … but, he may have already decided that for the both of you,” she explained.

I could tell that she hadn't really wanted to state this fact but it wasn't something that I'd actually thought about, now it was put in front of me it was true, perhaps John had already decided to leave me.

“The thing is Grandma, I don't actually know how long this has been going on, I agree, if it's just a recent thing, it may just be a fling or an affair that will fizzle out, but, if it's been going on for as long as I think it has then John may be quite happy to continue doing so … the worst case scenario is that he thinks he can go on seeing Helena and I never find out … but I have so, whether it's a fling or it's love … I now know.  John can no longer have his cake and eat it … it's time the greedy bastard went on a diet … God only knows he reminds me to watch my eating habits.”

Grandma turned to me and looked a little shocked, “What do you mean by that?”

I went onto explain that John constantly made jibes about my weight and belittled me reminding me how 'big' I was getting, without actually being able to finish my words, Grandma was visibly enraged.

“Eva, are you honestly telling me that John has criticized your size?”

I nodded, indicating that her question was the appropriate question to ask.

“My God, Eva that's absurd! You're a normal, healthy size, what the hell?”

“Grandma, it's okay, I don't really let it bother me, I'm completely happy with the way I am, it's just the way John is,” I defended myself, and perhaps John.

“I don't care whether that's the way John is.  If your grandfather had ever come out with that kind of imbecilic comment I would have bull whipped him over the stocks and then some … a husband should never, ever deal out that kind of comment.
Ever
.”

I knew she was right and perhaps I had justified John's comments in favor of arguing with him, I'd never agreed with his opinion of my size so why had I allowed him to continue to chip away at my confidence?  I'd just accepted John's words thinking that this was just his way, I wasn't stupid, I knew his opinion was wrong but I'd just found it easier to ignore, however, you tell someone they're stupid and if you tell them often enough they start to believe it.

“You need to tell John exactly what you know, there's no point in prolonging this anymore, decisions need to be made and you need to be set free.  If you want my honest opinion Eva, this marriage is dead, you have far too much to offer and I'm not saying it's with Tommy but you can't remain shackled to a man who doesn't think enough of you and makes you doubt your self-worth.  If one of your friends was being cheated on, what would you advise?”  Grandma was now holding both of my hands and looking into both my eyes for my honesty, I owed her nothing more than the truth.

“I would advise to get the hell out,” I stated.

Grandma squeezed my hands, “And that's because you were raised well, so do it.  Walk away, he's destroying your faith and you shouldn't be accepting that in your life.  I don't particularly agree with the fact that you and Tommy have complicated things, including infidelity … but, in the circumstances I hope that what you both did has made you realize that ultimately, you and John are not meant to be.”

She was right and I knew it.  As we walked back to the farm Grandma looped her arm into mine, I couldn't have wished for a better confidante, my life was in turmoil but with Grandma by my side I felt less impact and given more strength to cope with it all.  I had made at least one good decision in all of this and that was to come back home, I now had to establish what was to be done next and I knew it wasn't going to be an easy task to consider.

“Why don't you give your grandfather a hand in the yard today, it may help clear your head?” Grandma suggested.

It sounded as good a plan as any and right now I didn't have any other options to deduce.  I found Grandpa in the dairy, he'd already walked the cows out into the meadow so now it was slopping out time, not a job I'd ever particularly relished but I got stuck in all the same.  Grandpa wasn't a big talker, never had been; he was a whistler.  If ever there was a silence Grandpa filled it with a cheery chirping whistle, I don't think he ever whistled an actual song so long as it was a tune of some kind, it would drive my grandmother mad which made him do it all the more.  As I shoveled the cow dung into the barrow I noticed the silence as opposed to the whistling, looking round I saw Grandpa sitting on the milking stool watching me.

“Err, have you gone on strike?” I joked.

Reaching into his pocket and pulling out his morning cigarette, (Grandpa smoked three cigarettes a day, one in the morning, one in the afternoon and one just before bedtime) he took a deep inhalation and held it inside for one long, savory moment, as he blew it out he cleared his throat.

“You going to leave him then?” he enquired.

I was a little startled at his impetuous manner, it wasn't like Grandpa to come out with questions or statements, he usually left that kind of thing to Grandma, I'd never really encountered such a conversation with him previously and it threw me off guard, however I responded as best I could, there was no point in hiding it from him, he knew something was going on.

“I don't know Grandpa, to be honest.  I haven't reached any kind of decision yet,” I continued to clear the barn.

“You don't get to forty years of marriage without working things through Eva but if there's nothing to work out then you need to stop wasting your time, I always knew that man would hurt you in the end,” he stubbed out his cigarette butt on the barn floor and kicked it towards the pile of dung I'd swept up. He then walked out of the barn.

Left alone, surrounded by a pile of cow dung I couldn't help but smile to myself, I was definitely in the shit.

There was nothing more to do than to contact John again, I had to come clean instead of cryptic conversations and tell him it was over.  It wasn't just the whole affair thing, there were other things I was unhappy with, one of them being his constant put downs and patronizing behavior, that wasn't how you were meant to treat your loved ones, he showed no respect for me or my career and I was beginning to feel like his employee rather than a wife he'd vowed to love, honor and obey.  I shouted to Grandpa that I would be back to finish off later and I ran into the house to do what needed to be done.

I rang Helena's mobile, she answered and I could tell by the strain in her voice that she was surprised by my call.

“Eva … is everything okay? I don't usually hear from you,” she questioned nervously.

I went straight in for the jugular.  “Helena, I think you probably know from me phoning you in the first place that there's no point in lying to me so I'd appreciate your honesty from now on ...” I was firm in voice but my heart was thumping its way out of my chest.  “I know about you and John, is he there with you right now … and please Helena, don't lie to me.”

“No, he's not, he's driven into the nearest village to get some wine, I think,” she offered, realizing that she'd been defeated; at least I'd now got confirmation and a part of me knew that I may not have got that from John, I kind of suspected he would deny it for as long as he thought he could get away with it.

“I'm not phoning you to hear your thoughts Helena but thank you for not lying, although the last thing you deserve is my thanks.  Ok, now I know. How long has it been going on for?”

There was a long pause, “I really think you should be talking to John about this,” her voice trembled.

“If I'd wanted to talk to John about this Helena I wouldn't have bothered to phone you now would I? John is a liar, as well as a cheat, but then you'd know that already, he can't be trusted to tell me the truth and so far you have, so, please continue and tell me how long you and John have been having an affair.” 

“Since you got married.”

The delivery of words was like a bullet in my chest, catching my breath I was genuinely scared I'd forget how to breathe again.  I'd known though, or at least I'd suspected, even on our wedding day.  I felt sick.  Helena offered an apology but I wasn't really listening, I replaced the receiver and burst into tears, a mixture of anger, relief that I now knew for sure and disgust at my husband swirled around inside my head but now it was all out in the open I would have to deal with it.  Walking down the stairs into the kitchen I came across Grandma,

“I think that kettle needs to be switched on Grandma,” I tried to smile and put on a brave face but failed miserably.

Over our tea I told Grandma about the recent phone call to Helena and Grandma was amazed at my approach and strength, little did she know I was breaking inside; I was sad that my marriage was now over but I was raging with fury that my side of that marriage had been a facade, John had been sleeping with another woman from day one, I'd never been his No. 1 priority, always knowing that I was second to his business was bad enough so now this actually made me No. 3, if I was even that lucky. 

“What kind of a woman can be with a man knowing that he's married?” Grandma claimed in amazement, “All those years running around behind your back, and in
your
house!”

I was trying not to think of that but I guess it all had to be considered, it was quite nauseating to think that my husband, from the start had never been faithful to me, did I want to know why? Was it now necessary to find out all the answers or was that a pointless exercise?  It was starting to dawn on me that my marriage was indeed a sham; our vows, a pointless transition of words and my hopes and future plans, an empty, almost sinister joke. 

What shocked me more than anything was that in spite of all this recent information I didn't feel the text book reaction and following my conversation with Helena, I knew that John would learn this and I was unprepared for the next stage.  I actually didn't feel what I thought I was supposed to feel, surely I should have been ranting, wanting to go back to the city to have it out with him, challenge his revolting behavior and put a stop to him and Helena … I found those feelings were lacking. 

Grandma stood from her chair and took me in her arms, her embrace was warm, loving and gave me a fleeting strength that encouraged me to be even stronger; feeling her support was of immense comfort and that was what I was all about.  John was clearly a stranger to me now, I'd have expected this kind of feeling from the man I married; loyalty, faith and compassion, however I'd married a man who had gone into our marriage half-heartedly whilst lending his feelings, emotions and intimacy with another woman, I could never forgive that and he certainly didn't deserve my second chance.