Rodeo (BBW Cowboy Romance) (BBW Western Romance) (9 page)

It was just after midday and the traffic was light, if this was to be the case all the way to my grandparents' house I would be arriving just after dusk.  My grandmother had been so excited when I told her I was coming to visit, not so animated when I told her I was coming on my own, I didn't want to lie to her or my grandfather but I decided to be frugal with the truth, there was no need at this point to worry them and I also didn't really want their interference, they didn't mean to meddle but in their own way they would think they were helping, so I just casually said that I was coming for a visit because John was working away and I wanted some company.  It wasn't a lie as such, John was working away and I actually did want the company, they just didn't need to know all the blank bits.

Typically, every song that came on the radio was to remind me of John at some point of our relationship, I was amazed, it was like the DJ knew what was going on in my life and wanted to cause me further pain, at one point when he started to play Carrie Underwood - Don't Forget To Remember Me I almost rang up the radio station to see if it was John who was playing the music that day!  I turned it off, I wasn't in the mood to listen to nostalgic claptrap, I was depressed enough.

Not feeling any hunger earlier on in the morning I realized that even though my appetite had escaped me, I was starting to feel my stomach rumbling.  I was pretty certain I wouldn't last until I got to my grandparents so as I drove through a quaint little village I spotted a small bakery with a parking space right in front.  Knowing my grandmother there would be a large family meal on the table when I got there to greet me and I would be expected to eat well.  So, with that in mind I bought a small croissant and a takeaway coffee, I then saw a park across the road with a vacant bench waiting for me to sit on it.

It was clear from my observations that the village had quite a close-knit community, from the several people walking past, whether they were enjoying a stroll or exercising their dogs they all noticed the new stranger in town.  I smiled and some smiled back but some just looked at me as if I was a bit mental, a couple of dogs came close to sniff as if they recognized I was fresh meat in their midst, also probably because of my croissant. 

It was a lovely looking village; plenty of greenery and the houses that were adjacent to the park were all highly maintained and cared for.  One the far side of the park was a children's play area but as it was school time right then, there were only a couple of mothers sat chatting with their babies in prams.  It reminded me a lot of our country home village; slightly sleepy but full of life, just not the same kind of life that you would find in the city.  Here, people had time to socialize and pass the time of day, you were lucky if you could even ask the time of day in the city.  People rushed around at 100 mph with no passing of communication, here it would take only a couple of yards before someone said Good Morning or suchlike.

That is why I'd insisted on John and I having the country home, we both worked so hard and needed a place to retreat to, away from the robotic chaos and insular conditions, this way it made working in the city a lot easier to deal with and allowed us to appreciate tranquility a lot more than we would if we lived in the city.  I wondered where John would choose to spend his time in my absence, would he take the opportunity of freedom and stay in the apartment or would he go to the country and reflect on our separation.  I kind of swayed more towards the city apartment, John had probably spent more time there than I ever had, I liked the apartment but it was more John than it was me.  He liked the modern gadgets and clean cut surfaces whilst I preferred the sense of relaxation and my homely comforts in the country, we sound like we were a million miles apart but they say opposites attract and we had a nice balance in my opinion.  I knew I was very lucky indeed to be able to afford these luxuries but it wasn't all one-sided, we'd both worked extremely hard to pay for it all and so we deserved to enjoy it.

The sound of what I presumed to be the school bell rang out into the sunshine and not long after a mass of excited children poured out from behind the school gates.  Some were greeted by a parent, some jumped into a car parked up waiting and some, and older children made their own way home.  I'd always loved school, enjoyed learning and had a good group of friends.  None of them were particularly close friends but I was popular.  I'd always been popular with the boys; it's what comes from being an early developer.

Gathering my things I decided I'd done enough people watching for one day and if I'd have stayed much longer I would get caught up in office traffic, not that there seemed to be a lot of offices in this village, but nevertheless it was time for me to move on.  I decided to chance the radio again but this time I was greeted by Joni Mitchell, John's favorite singer of all time … the button was turned to off for the second time that day.

I tried not to but I couldn't help thinking about John as my journey continued, of course I needed to take this time and consider my options but I'd intended on doing that in a few days once I'd settled in, I still wasn't sure as to how long my visit was going to be, I suppose it depended on my thoughts, conclusions and John, we both knew we couldn't go on like this but at least I was doing something about it, John would, as usual just accept whatever the outcome would be.  He didn't think he'd done anything wrong, but that was John all over, he behaved how we wanted and to Hell with the consequences, he was clueless as to whoever he hurt in the process.

As the time approached 5pm I began the descent into my home village, I always stopped at the peak of the valley and enjoyed the view looking down into the community, it seemed like on view nothing had changed, everyone was going about their business and I was about to re-enter their day to day lives.  I was excited to see my grandparents and I knew that my grandmother would be pacing the kitchen by now in anticipation of my arrival.  I imagined my grandfather would be just as excited but he would be busying himself with the farm and its requirements.  Driving on I saw a couple of people I knew who waved at me as if I'd never been away, it felt like I'd never been away and that's what home was supposed to feel like, I was going home.

Driving up the lane I could already see Dollie, our Collie, standing on guard at the threshold of the farm entrance.  Instantaneously she
recognized my car and began to circle and bark with delight.  It was a welcoming sight to then see the farmhouse appear, it's stone building still the same as when I'd left it almost twenty years ago.  Then I saw Tommy's ranch – there had been some huge changes; the first one I noticed was a big silver sign over the top of the gates, “The Silver Stallion' shone out in bold, black letters with the silhouette of a rearing horse, it certainly gave the impression of importance.  Managing to bypass a frenzied dog my car drove onto the familiar gravel of the farmyard and as I suspected, my grandmother was waiting, probably impatiently, by the window, as soon as she saw my car her face broke into a smile. 

She came rushing out and before I'd even had time to get out of the car she was calling for my grandfather to come out from wherever he was.  The two of them opened the car door, almost fighting between themselves in the process.  Dollie jumped straight past them, over my knee and into the driving seat and made herself known that she wasn't to be moved.  Laughing I jumped out of the car, left the door open for Dollie to get out and fell straight into the arms of both my grandparents. 

Squeezing them as tight as I could I then took a good look at them both, understandably they had aged so much but I noticed how thin and frail my grandmother was.  I'd always taken after my grandfather's side in the body stakes, Grandma had always been slim and working on the farm had kept her figure but now, now she looked underweight.  Perhaps it would be me making sure she ate well during my time there, I doubt Grandpa was any good in the kitchen, he'd not even known how to make a cup of tea when I'd lived there so preparing and cooking food wasn't an option, unless it was a BBQ of course.

“Quick, come on inside, Grandpa will get your cases, I'll put the kettle on and then you can tell me all about your news, we have an hour or so before everyone gets here,” she fussed with my handbag and made a few failing attempts to get Dollie out from the car.  Dollie stayed put.

“What do you mean … before people get here?” I knew it was a silly question, I'd expected a fuss but hadn't realized my homecoming was going to be a full on get together, I should have known better but with a smile and a sense of foreboding, I gathered my personals and followed Grandma into the house.

It was with much comfort that I realized not a lot had changed since I'd last been in the house, the familiar smells, décor and furniture had been lost in an affable time warp which didn't really surprise me, it was a pleasure to be welcomed with such memories and I had to accept that my grandparents had no reason to change their lives as they'd always been so happy with the cards that had been dealt them in the first place.  However, this life now seemed so old fashioned to me, not in a bad way, completely the opposite in fact but it was surreal to think that my life had changed so much in comparison to their blissful ignorance.  Just like the house, my grandparents behavior hadn't altered either, they still remained as solid as a rock, a steadfast team of togetherness and it wasn't hard for me to remember that this had kept me sane as a child as well as setting me a great example into my adult life.  Therefore it seemed such a shame that I was back in their lives for reasons that were beyond my control and yet I felt so much to be blamed for.  What I had to remind myself was that none of this was my fault, John was the critical, unhappy partner, I was just giving myself some time to hopefully reconstruct the foundations of our relationship.

Whilst my sweet, unacquainted Grandmother busied herself in the making of tea, my love and admiration for her ignorance was shyly coveted.  In an ideal world I would have jumped up, put a stop to her fussing over the steeping of a tea bag and shouted that my husband was an inconsiderate bastard who continually felt the need to put me down at every opportunity, that he made me doubt myself and more importantly had no praise but only reproach for my 'size'.  I know for certain that my grandmother would have been horrified at his thoughts and his treatment of me but I felt that I couldn't do that to her.  My grandmother thought that all was well in the Cain household and until I was sure that this was a falsehood I wasn't prepared to worry her unnecessarily, I was also not prepared to actually believe it myself. I took great repose in my welcome, my cup of tea and instructions from my grandmother to 'drink up and freshen up for the party'.

As I gathered myself and my thoughts in the intimacy of my old bedroom I looked out of the window and saw that people were starting to arrive, I knew that this was scenario was going to involve Tommy, I hadn't wanted to ask my grandparents but I knew it was coming, I loathed it, dreaded it and most of all was excited by it.  I wasn't certain how Tommy would show up; with his partner, on his own, with feelings as my own or completely complacent and looking forward to a familiar, old friend.  It was a confusing time and one I didn't come home specifically for, whatever happened though it was inevitable.

More than ever, perhaps consciously or not, I dressed with care.  Many years had passed since I'd last seen Tommy; I had been leaving for university when we last spoke and he'd said goodbye to a teenager, I was now in my 30's and a lot had happened personally and physically.  For those reasons I was taking particular reference to how he now saw me.  I know what you're thinking … 'if she's taking those kind of things into consideration then she must still hold a torch' but it wasn't like that at all, Tommy was a very important part of my life and how he saw me now was just as important as the time when he saw me leave.  So, I chose a pair of bootleg jeans with a clean, crisp white cotton shirt, belted at the waist and booted at the heel, I looked and felt comfortable, sexy and womanly.

I was ready to face him.

By the time I got downstairs the party was in full swing, it was strange to see all the same faces, a little older but I don't think at that point that anyone who'd attended that fateful barbeque all those years ago was absent from this party. I may have moved on but the people of Brereton Valley had definitely not.  I swirled from group to group, it felt no different to the city social gatherings.  In the city this was known as networking; the more you spread yourself the better it was for business but back on the farm this was just 'catching up' and it was a relief not to be passing a business card around constantly.  These were people that I'd known all my life, they knew my background and they knew my existence, they were my extended family and it was such a pleasure to be back amongst them. 

Everyone was so eager to hear about my life, about John and about my work.  I talked and mingled and actually felt a little selfish that I wasn't able to give time to ask them the same questions, before I'd had the chance to finish an answer, someone was asking me another question.  I hardly had time to take a breath, however my breath was unexpectedly taken away from me the minute I saw Tommy walk into the yard.

My hand involuntarily drew itself to my stomach as I felt the somersaults.

Standing before me was the same Tommy; he still had the reassuring athleticism, blonde curly hair and hypnotic blue eyes. Granted, he had put a few pounds on but they were muscular rather than body weight.  He smiled as his kind eyes scoured the scene and found my gaze.

I
realized that he had mouthed 'Hello' at me.

Realizing that my stomach was still somersaulting I didn't trust myself to do anything else rather than smile back at him but I immediately scanned the bigger picture to see if he had arrived with anyone else, I was slightly aware that if I mouthed back at him or blushed, his partner may cotton on to our reunion.  He was now walking towards me, in a childish kind of way I wanted to run in the opposite direction but we were 20 years down the line and that kind of behavior would seem more juvenile than if I'd done it 20 years ago.  I had to take what was coming, regardless of my memories, our history or what was to happen in the future, Tommy was an old friend and there was no reason at all for me to want to ignore that.

“Hey you,” he said, kissing my cheek without hesitation.

As his lips touched my skin I felt a shock of excitement burst throughout my entire body, this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, my feelings for Tommy hadn't died, they hadn't even faded, I was perhaps in more trouble than I'd originally thought.  My hand laid on his shoulder as he greeted me and judging from his reaction, he'd felt the same surge of electricity as I had, his expression following confirmed it.

“Long time-no see, Blondie. How's life been treating you?  Good from where I'm standing.”

There came the blush. I hated my treacherous self for letting me down but I'd hoped with the dusky lighting that he wouldn't have noticed, was it because I'd heard the familiar nickname or the compliment about me looking good?  Who was I kidding, it was the whole package, I was re-igniting my feelings for Tommy but had they ever gone away?  I had to remember it was me who went away, Tommy may have picked up with someone else and got on with his life but at this moment in time, he was alone and I was alone.  For a split second, if not more, I'd forgotten John … but … John, I felt had forgotten me a long time ago.

“C'mon, let's go get a drink,” Tommy suggested, even though I was holding a full glass.

I followed him into the barn and felt extremely conscious that everyone was watching us, it was eerily similar to the night we'd first made love.  Paranoid that the congregation of Brereton were watching our every move and knew our intentions, it seemed we had slipped into a parallel universe and our teens were being re-lived, just with more wrinkles.

I watched as Tommy seemed to automatically reach for a bottle of champagne that was waiting for us on the side of the bar, had he organized this or was it just a random bottle that he'd found?  Pouring the glasses we suddenly made eye contact and Tommy stopped pouring.

“I bet you're used to this … you being a grown-up city girl?”  His words, in my opinion, felt slightly condescending.

“Champagne doesn't hold for snobbery, Tommy, and neither should you, I'm just as happy with a beer … besides, I seem to remember that champagne gets me into sticky situations ...”

He smiled with humor. “I do hope so.”

Despite his attempt at humor, I was reluctant to accept it, I had to remember that I was going through a difficult time in my life and sexual connotations resulting from teenage nostalgia weren't something I should be giving time to … I had my feelings about Tommy, I'd be a liar to deny that but for the time-being I had to learn to suppress them, Tommy was the least of my problems at that moment and I didn't need him or my emotions adding to them.

I placed my glass of champagne on the bar and grabbed a bottle of beer, I don't know why, perhaps it was a silent gesture to Tommy that champagne signified the past and the beer meant that I'd moved on … a ridiculous endeavor perhaps but personally it made me feel a bit better.  I had to discourage rather than encourage, I was a married woman after all and in spite of John's discourse, I wasn't here to rekindle a romance that hadn't been enough for me in the first place.  However, even my own integrity and loyalty was confusing me, it was too soon, my grandparents meant well in their welcoming soiree but being in the same company as Tommy was addling my mind.

Battling with my thoughts, whether they developed into anything or not, I played a silent game of tug of war; I was having innocent, flirtatious fun with an old flame which was flattering, but, on the other hand if I was to continue, physically
or
mentally, it was a betrayal to John.  Had he been there with me then I would never behave in such a way, Tommy probably wouldn't have even attended but John wasn't there and our marriage was in crisis, I owed it to my vows at least to behave myself.

I remembered happily how I had promised John at our wedding that 'through the good times and the bad times, I would stand by him and behave as a supportive wife.  I turned to Tommy, I had made my decision.

“I'm turning in now Tommy, this isn't a good idea … and I know you're going to say that we're only having a drink … but, I'm married and we have history.  It's not appropriate … so, goodnight and I'm sure we see each other over the next couple of days.”

Standing with the moonlight behind him I only saw Tommy's outline, I was unable to see the expression on his face as I explained myself and for that I was truly thankful.  I wasn't out to hurt him, I wasn't even sure it would hurt him but that would be delving too deeply into something that needn't be explored.

At that very moment I needed to speak with John.  I went up to the farmhouse and retired to my room.  Unpacking my holdall I reached for my laptop, if I was to try and speak with John I would try to Skype him, it was necessary for me to see his face, to observe his happiness or his irritation at speaking with me.  This may have seemed a very black and white way of looking at this particular situation but I had to see.