Royal Wedding (5 page)
Authors: Meg Cabot
“No, no, nothing like that. It's better that we just ignore them for now.”
“That's what you said about the paparazzi, but they haven't gone away in two weeks.”
“I know, but don't worry. It's only a ploy by your father's opponent to get media attention.”
Oh, right. Of course.
What do Genovians have to complain about, anyway? Genovia has the lowest unemployment, violence, and poverty rate in the world (zero percent), and also the loveliest median year-round temperature (seventy-five degrees), being situated as it is so idyllically on the Riviera. Genovians pay no personal income tax, and business taxes are among the lowest in the European Union.
Even Genovia's royal family is self-supported (unlike the UK's, which is financed by public money). According to Rate the Royals, I have a personal net worth of a hundred million dollars.
HA! Where do these websites get this stuff?
â¢Â  Â
Note to self:
Well, of course, I probably do have a personal net worth of that much, but only if you count things like medieval-era jewel-encrusted scepters, which you can't exactly sell on eBay.
So if Cousin Ivan is going to have a chance of beating my dad for prime minister in this next election, he has to do
something
to make people believe things in Genovia aren't all that great.
So why not pay a bunch of lame Genovian expats to stand outside its consulate in New York holding signs making a big deal out of super tiny issues, like allowing cruise ships in, keeping GMOs out, and complaining about that op-ed piece I wrote the other week for the
Wall Street Journal
?
Apparently
some
people feel the heir to the throne of one principality has no right to express her opinion of how the ruler of another principality governs his country, even one who's stripped half his population of what little rights they previously had (the female half, of course), and is threatening to behead his own son for marrying a commoner (fortunately Prince Rashid and his bride have been given asylum in the United States).
All I did was comment on how much I disapprove of the sheikh. I didn't put out a big sign that says
HEY, OPPRESSED PEOPLE OF QALIF, COME TO GENOVIA!
Like these protesters apparently think I did.
Still, when someone who is being mistreated in their home travels very far and under horrible conditions to get to yours, shouldn't you at least offer them shelter and something to eat and drink until they sort things out? It seems like common courtesy to me.
So what is everyone's problem?
Oh, God, now a television news van has shown up downstairs to film the protesters.
Why?
Why can't a celebrity couple choose today to announce that they're divorcing so the media has something else to cover?
I wonder how much magnesium it's safe to take in one day.
â¢Â  Â
Note to self:
Check iTriage.
12:00 p.m., Thursday, April 30
Third-Floor Apartment
Consulate General of Genovia
New York City
Lilly just texted me:
Lilly Moscovitz “Virago”*: What are you doing?
*I have to give all my contacts code names in case of hacking. Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, has been hacked 155 times.
Virago
means “female warrior” but also “bad-tempered woman.” Not that Lilly's bad-tempered, but lately, since she's been studying for the bar, she's been more difficult than usual.
I guess I'd be difficult, too, though, if I had to study for a test that took two whole days to complete. It's a little disappointing that my best friend, who showed such promise in the past as a television producer, is going into the law, but like Lilly says, her true passion is arguing, so at least in the legal profession she'll be paid to do it.
HRH Mia Thermopolis “FtLouie”: What do you think I'm doing? I'm “working from home.” But really I'm trapped in my apartment, watching NY1 interview Genovian protesters about how much they hate me and my dad.
There was a pause, and then Lilly wrote:
HRH Mia Thermopolis “FtLouie”> |
Oh my God, there you are! Well, not you, but the consulate, right on live TV. Wow, slow news day. Why don't you come over here and we can live tweet it while drinking tequila?
Thanks, but that is not how the palace is choosing to handle the situation and would also be a violation of diplomatic protocol. Besides, the Royal Genovian Guard has me on lockdown in case any of the protesters turns out to be my stalker.
They haven't caught that guy yet?
No. They think RoyalRabbleRouser must use a VPN (Virtual Private Network software) to hide his IP address since they haven't been able to track his location.
Wow, that is not scary at all. But anyway, that crowd doesn't look too violent.
Don't underestimate them, one of them already threw a Genovian orange at Lars.
Why a Genovian orange?
In addition to their many other complaints, the protesters are anti-GMO and don't think Genovian farmers should be allowed to plant drought-resistant Genovian orange trees (even though genetically modified food could help to end world hunger and the Genovian orange yield increased by 25% last year. And that study with the tumor-ridden rats was proven to be completely faked).
Sorry I asked. I thought Genovia was known for its olives. Or is it pears?
It doesn't matter. The demand for orange juice in Europe is huge, so now all we're growing is oranges.
Of course. What did Lars do when they threw the genetically modified orange at him? PLEASE say he shot them with tear-gas canisters, PLEASE.
He did not. He picked the orange up off the ground and took a huge bite out of it. Including the peel.
â¥
Stop.
I swear to God someday I am going to tie that Scandinavian to my bed and do unspeakable things to him.
I know it's been a while since you've had a date, but please keep in mind that Lars has been my bodyguard since I was 14 years old, so I think of him as an older brother.
I'm pretty sure you do unspeakable things to MY older brother on a pretty regular basis.
How many energy drinks have you had today?
Not enough. So all this fuss is over some genetically modified oranges?
Of course not. They also want us to allow bigger cruise ships (3,000 people a day is not enough) and immigration reform.
What immigration? I thought no one gets citizenship in Genovia unless they're born there (or has a parent who was born there, like you) or marries a Genovian.
Yes, and that's the way they want to keep it. But we're offering emergency humanitarian visas to all the Qalifi refugees who've been showing up by the boatload since my op-ed piece.
Is that what those signs they're carrying mean, “Let Them Live with Mia”?
Yes.
Make your own sign and hang it in the window telling them to suck your [REDACTED].
Thank you so kindly for that piece of advice. However, that is neither princessy nor physically possible.
Actually we are working on finding a more diplomatic solution that includes providing the refugees with emergency shelter in local hotels, but all the hotels are full due to the 125th Genovian Yacht Classic.
Oh, of course. How foolish of me not to know that the 125th Genovian Yacht Classic is taking place right now. I'm sure Muffy and Carrington must be very upset about all the riff-raff dirtying up the beaches.
It doesn't matter since even if there were hotel rooms, no one would take the refugees in, as Cousin Ivan has spread a rumor that they all have tuberculosis and cholera, so border officials are holding them at the Port of Princess Clarisse.
Again, sorry I asked. Can I come over with a sign telling those protesters to suck MY [REDACTED]?
I'm so happy someone like you is pursuing a career in contract law since it's clear you're so calm and levelheaded.
Speaking of calm and levelheaded (no), where's your dad?
Probably the Oak Bar at the Plaza Hotel, where he's been drowning most of his sorrows while waiting to hear from the judge about when he's going to be allowed to leave the U.S.
Typical. What are you doing for your birthday tomorrow?
What do you think?
Wait, let me guess: your grandmother is taking you to Cirque du Soleil. AGAIN.
The magic of the circus is what she lives for.
HA HA HA! How many times is this?
She says we have to put “a brave public face on” in light of the protesters and Dad's arrest, and act like “everything is normal” for the good of Genovia.
Is that why there's now a van pulling up in front of your building that says “
Parrucchiere di Paolo
” on the side?
No. Paolo is coming over to give me a blowout so I'll look good as I bravely face the protesters while greeting our guests tonight. Grandmère's decided to throw a dinner party here at the consulate.
What if one sneaks in and throws an orange at you?
That is a risk that, as a royal, I'm obligated to take.
Aw, you're just like that princess from the movie
Brave
. Only you have zero hand-eye coordination. Why is there no e-vite in my in-box?
Because only Genovian expats who pass a background test (and haven't thrown any Genovian oranges at Lars) are invited, so they will see how “real” and “caring” we are and hopefully post to social media about it.
If I get invited, I will post to social media about it, and I won't throw an orange at you OR Lars. I'll throw myself at him but not an orange.
Seriously, stop. I can only take so much.
Is my brother invited?
Do you think I'd put his beautiful head at risk over something this stupid?
Well, if he's your future prince consort, he'd better get used to this kind of thing, don't you think?
There are some things I think even a future prince consort should be spared.
Put like a true royal.
3:10 p.m., Thursday, April 30
Third-Floor Apartment
Consulate General of Genovia
New York City
Not a lot of time to write because Paolo is giving me a blow-dry and it's rude to write in one's journal while someone is performing personal grooming services on you (also difficult, especially when that person has applied press-on nails over your bitten-down nails, and the glue/paint on those nails is still drying).
Anyway, Paolo started out the appointment upset because I wouldn't let him cut off all my hair (quote from Paolo: “It looks better short, it shows offa your long neck”), but I know the truth:
Paolo just wants to do something different that will get my photo onto all the fashion sites, and the best way to do that these days is with a “daring” pixie cut like so many of the twentysomething starlets are doing.
But I'm not an actress in a movie about someone dying of cancer/tuberculosis, so:
I said, “No, thank you, Paolo, I like my hair better long, but if your arms are tired, you can leave the blow-drying to one of your assistants.”
This offended him very much. He sniffed, “No, Principessa! Paolo never get tired,” which is fine with me since now we don't have to talk anymore (Paolo doesn't like to shout over the whine of hair driers. Also a relief: that he can't tell what I'm writing since he's not so good at reading English. Or any other language that I can tell, except the language of beauty).
But unfortunately he did notice my twitch earlier and said, “Principessa, you look like the pirate, only not the hot one played by Johnny Depp, what is wrong?”
Generally I don't believe in pouring out one's hardships to one's hairdresser, because, as Grandmère is always reminding me, “Your personal baggage should only be shared with family, Amelia . . . and the bellboy, of course.” This is pretty good advice, except that usually family members are the ones
causing
the baggage problems, so I find that therapists and good friends can be more helpful with it.
But Paolo has been around so long, he's
like
family. So before I knew it, it all came tumbling out.
This turned out to be one of the few times I should have listened to Grandmère.
Paolo wasn't at all sympathetic, especially when I mentioned the fact that right after I logged off from my conversation with Lilly, I went to Google News to see what the media was saying about the protest today, and the first headline I saw was from the
Post
. It screamed:
“Why Won't He Marry Mia?”
Really?
That
is what the editors feel is the most important news to report on today, the reasons Michael Moscovitz hasn't proposed to me yet?
Of course it isn't, it's just what they think will get the most clicks.
And of course it worked, because even
I
clicked on it, knowing I shouldn't have, because Michael and I are mature adults and of course we've discussed marriage at length, and the decision we've come to (and our reason for it) is our business and ours alone.