Ruined: An Ethan Frost Novel; A Loveswept New Adult Romance (25 page)

Which is why, when I turn off the light, I make sure the phone’s on my nightstand. We’ve talked every night after his meetings, no matter how late it is. I don’t want to take the chance of missing his call.

But the phone doesn’t ring that night.

Or the next morning.

Or the next afternoon.

And he never does answer the two texts I sent him.

I start to get worried. What if something happened to him? It’s not like we’re official or anything. No one would call me if he got hurt or sick or—

“You’re being ridiculous!” Tori tells me. “If anything happened to Ethan, it would make the news, and obviously that hasn’t happened. And the last time he texted you was to make a date to go surfing. He’s probably just busy.”

“I know, I know.”

And I do. He’s a busy guy whose job it is to keep a lot of different balls in the air at any given moment. Besides, I’m not a clingy girl. I never have been and I certainly don’t intend to start now. He’ll call me when he gets a chance. He always does.

Except Sunday rolls around and I still don’t hear from him. Before he left, he told me that he was due in around three and asked if he could pick me up around five for an early dinner. So even though he hasn’t called or texted or emailed (I checked), I get dressed for dinner anyway. Surely he’d call if he doesn’t plan to make it.

Except…he doesn’t show up. Maybe I should be mad, but at this point I’m more terrified than I am angry. Something has to be wrong. It has to be, because the Ethan I know would never behave like this. He’d never just shut me out like this without an explanation. Never cut me off so coldly and completely.

Plus it doesn’t make sense. Like Tori said, the last thing he did was arrange to take me surfing again. Unless he didn’t really want to and I pushed him into it. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I was too pushy—

No. I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to spend all night torturing myself over the inner workings of Ethan Frost’s brain. It’s seven-thirty—two and a half hours past the time he was supposed to pick me up. Four and a half hours past the time he was supposed to land. Surely if he’d actually gotten in today, he would have made it home from the airport by now.

Which means I’m going over there. One way or the other, I’m going to find out what’s going on with him. Even if it breaks my heart.

T
here’s a light on in Ethan’s kitchen window when I pull up to the gate. I know the code from the couple of nights I slept over, so I don’t bother pushing the button to alert him that I’m here. I just punch in the five numbers and wait for the gate to swing open.

By the time I get to the top of the driveway, my heart is pounding like a metronome at high speed. My stomach hurts, my heart hurts, and I’m shaking so badly I can barely get the car door open. This is going to be bad. I can tell, can feel it deep down inside myself. No matter how much I try to tell myself that he just forgot about dinner, I know better. Ethan Frost doesn’t forget anything.

As I walk up to the house, I realize there are actually three or four lights on in the downstairs alone. So he’s definitely home. The knowledge only makes me feel worse. Not as bad as imagining he might not be alone does, but still. I’ll deal with that eventuality only if I have to.

I ring the doorbell, wait an acceptable amount of time for him to answer. When he doesn’t, I ring it a second time. A third time. Then I start pounding on the front door.

“Ethan! It’s me. Open the door. Please, Ethan. Open the door.”

I feel like a stalker standing out here, like a crazy person who just won’t get the hint. But damn it, this isn’t fair. He’s the one who came after me. He’s the one who made me fall in love with him. He’s the one who did all of this. And if he wants out now, that’s fine. But he doesn’t get to just ignore me. He’s going to have to tell me to my face that he’s no longer interested. I’m still covered in fading hickeys from the man, for God’s sake. Surely I deserve that much consideration.

So I keep knocking, determined to keep it up until he answers. If nothing else, I want to know that he’s all right. That this is just about breaking up, not about something terrible having happened to him.

After what feels like forever but is probably no more than four or five minutes, I hear the lock turn, and then the door swings open to reveal a bruised and battered Ethan standing in front of me.

“Oh my God! What happened to you?” All my relationship worries take a backseat to my concern for him. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” I push my way past him, off the dark porch and into the bright light of the foyer. And nearly have a heart attack when I do. He looks a million times worse illuminated by the chandelier.

His left eye is black, the cheekbone below it cut and swollen. His jaw is bruised, his lip is split, and there are long gouges down his neck, like someone dug their fingernails in and scratched as hard as they could. The blood still looks fresh.

“Baby, you need to get to the hospital, get looked at. You could have a concussion or internal injuries.”

“I’m fine.”

“Did you call the police? Did somebody jump you? Where did this happen?”

There’s no emotion in his voice, no inflection at all for me to draw a conclusion from when he says, “In Vegas.”

“Vegas?” That doesn’t make sense. “I thought you were in New York.”

“I was. I flew to Vegas this morning because there was someone there I wanted to talk to.”

“Is he the one who did this to you? Did you at least call the police when you were there?”

The look Ethan shoots me is pure affronted male. “It didn’t seem like a good idea considering he’s in much worse shape than I am.”

I stare at him incredulously as the truth sinks in. “So this was a fight, not a mugging?”

He doesn’t answer, which—of course—is an answer all on its own. “Ethan! What were you thinking?”

“You should probably go.”

“Go? Someone needs to check you over and make sure you’re okay. Do you hurt anywhere but your face?” I reach for him, start to lift his shirt up and check his ribs, but he moves away so fast that I’m left grasping at air.

“I’m fine. Just leave, Chloe.” He turns and walks deeper into the house, leaving me to show myself out. As if that’s really going to happen.

Not knowing what else to do, I follow him down the winding hallway to the kitchen. “Look, Ethan, if you want me to go, I’ll go. I just need to know that you’re really all right.”

“I’m fine. And I
do
want you to go.”

“Okay, then.” On the inside, I’m freaking out by this point. But I manage to keep my cool as I walk to the fridge, open the freezer door, and rummage until I find a bag of frozen peas. “Here. You should put this on your eye and cheek. It will help with the swelling, so maybe you can actually see out of that eye tomorrow.”

When he doesn’t take the bag from me, I leave it on the counter next to where he’s standing. “I’ll come check on you in the morning—”

“Don’t.”

The dread I’ve been feeling all day turns to ice in an instant. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t come back tomorrow. Don’t come back at all.”

“Seriously?” I say after one long, stunned second. “That’s how you want to play this?”

He shrugs. “I guess so.”

“That’s not actually good enough. If you want me to walk away from you, you’re going to have to spell it out for me. What’s going on?”

He fixes me with a blank stare that’s so different from the way he usually looks at me that I have trouble reconciling the fact that it’s really him. That this stranger is the same man who held me so tenderly just a few days ago.

“Do I really need to say it, Chloe?” he finally asks.

“Yes,
Ethan,
I think you do. Because I obviously missed something somewhere along the line.” I know he wants me to give it up, to just walk away. But I’m not going to. I know how it felt to be held by him. To be made love to by him. A guy doesn’t do the things he did with me, for me, and then just walk away with no explanation. Not unless he’s a total jerk, and Ethan isn’t.

He isn’t.

But already the doubts are creeping in. He looks so remote, so untouchable, and so untouched that I feel exposed. Laid bare. On the brink of total humiliation.

Please, God, don’t let me have made another huge mistake. I don’t think I could take it.

But God isn’t listening, and neither is Ethan. Or if he is, he doesn’t like what I’m saying. He runs a hand through his hair, starts to turn away from me. Like he’s done with this conversation—and me.

I’m not having it. I snag his gaze with my own and refuse to let him lock me out. If he’s going to break my heart, he’s going to do it looking straight at me. He owes me that much.

Silence stretches between us, cold and lonely and empty, but I’ll give him credit. Once I’ve snagged his attention, he doesn’t look away from me. Doesn’t try to pretend that I’m not standing there in front of him with my chest ripped open and my heart bleeding. Ethan Frost may be a lot of things, but he isn’t a coward.

“Fine,” he says. “This thing between us isn’t going to work out. It was fun. You’re a great person but I think we should—”

“It was
fun
?” I ask him incredulously. “Letting me pour my heart out to you was
fun
? Listening to me talk about how I was raped? How I blame myself for it? That was
fun
for you? Really?”

“I didn’t mean that.” He sounds sick, but I’m not falling for it. Not now, not ever again.

“Oh, no? Well, what exactly did you mean, then? Because it sounds to me like you let me fall apart for your own amusement.”

“That isn’t true.”

The goddamned tears are back, and it only makes me angrier at him. And myself. “Then tell me why.”

“This isn’t about you, Chloe. It’s about me.”

“Fuck you. You can do better than that.”

His jaw is clenched, his hands squeezed into fists so tight that I can see his knuckles turning white, even through the bruises and the cuts. For a second, just a second, he looks like the Ethan I thought I knew. “It is me. It is. It has nothing to do with you.”

“Except it has everything to do with me. You can try to assuage your guilt by saying it doesn’t, but it does. It really does. Because I’m the one whose heart is being broken here. I’m the one who was stupid enough to let you in. To trust you. To fall in love with you even though I knew better. And now I’m the one who’s going to suffer for it.” The tears are falling now and I can’t stop them, and that only makes me angrier. I swipe at them with my hand, furious that I can’t keep it together. That he gets to see me breaking down when all I want to do is be strong.

“Just tell me why you did it. Did you think I was too cocky in the cafeteria that day? Or maybe I wasn’t nice enough? Is it because I didn’t like your stupid blueberry smoothie?”

“Chloe, baby.” His eyes are damp now and he sounds almost as bad as I do. Then again, his jaw is swollen to twice its normal size. “You’re talking crazy—”

“Don’t call me baby! Don’t you fucking call me that. And don’t you dare tell me when I’m being crazy. I was fine before you came into my life. I was fine before you charmed me with your fucking strawberries and your fucking blender and your fucking ridiculous care packages. I was
fine
. And now I’m not. Now I’m fucking broken all over again. And I hate you for it.”

I start to cry in earnest now, and I hate myself for that. I hate being such a mess, such a fucking goddamned basket case. Hate even more that I’m doing all this in front of him. I want to be cool, want to be collected, but it just hurts too bad.

Goddammit. I really am ruined. It’s not a bad joke this time, not a measuring stick I hold myself against. This time it’s really true. There are just too many pieces missing and broken, too many pieces that I’ve stupidly given away for me to ever be able to put them back together again. To put me back together again. And even if I could, it hurts too much for me to even think about trying.

“No, Chloe. No. You’re not broken. Can’t you see? I am.”

He walks toward me, arms outstretched, but I back away. Wrap my arms around my waist in a pitiful attempt at protection. If he touches me, it’s over. Any small dignity I have left,
anything
I have left, will crumble right along with the rest of me.

I grab on to myself, dig my fingers into my waist in an effort to ground myself. As I do, my fingers slip beneath my sweater and I feel it. The chain he gave me to bind us together. To prove to me that this was for real. That he wasn’t just messing with me.

That I really, truly, belonged to him.

My stomach revolts, and for a moment I think I’m going to be sick right here in the middle of Ethan’s pristine kitchen.

Panic sets in. Real, live panic, and all I can think is that I want it off.

Want it away from me.

Can’t stand it touching me.

Not now, not when everything he told me—everything he did for me and to me—was a lie.

Desperate, damaged, determined, I shove my shirt up over my stomach. Fumble with the clasp. But I’m too panicked, too heartsick, and I can’t make it work. Can’t get it to release.

“Chloe, no.” Ethan’s voice sounds panicked now, too, but I’m not paying attention. I’m not listening to him, will never listen to him again.

“Chloe,
don’t
.”

Nearly hysterical now, I yank as hard as I can. So hard that I can feel the chain digging into my back, feel the blood start to run. And still I pull. Again and again—

The clasp finally breaks and the chain falls off into my hand. I stare at it for long seconds, at the diamonds glowing in the bright, kitchen lights. At the drops of blood glistening on the links.

Ethan’s right in front of me now, his face only inches from my own. I freak out. I can’t let him touch me, not now. Not if I have any chance of ever being okay again.

I hold my hand out, open my fingers, and let the chain fall to the floor between us.

And then I run.

I
don’t even make it to the front door before he catches me. I lash out at him, clawing, scratching, desperate to get away. Muttering a curse, he turns me away from him, wraps his arms around me. Then pulls me in close, my back to his front.

“Let me go!” I scream through the tears. The words are garbled, a mess—like me—and Ethan ignores them.

“Just listen!”

“I’ve heard enough! You wanted me to walk, so goddammit, let me walk.”

“Not yet.” The belly chain is in his hand and he tries to push it back into mine. “Take this.”

“I don’t want it.” I refuse to open my clenched fingers. “I never want to see it—or you—again.”

“Please, Chloe. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but please. Take it.” He pries my fingertips from my palm, presses the cold chain into my grasp before once again closing my fingers around it.

“I’m sorry, baby.” He presses a kiss against my temple. “I’m so sorry I did this to you.”

I don’t answer. I can’t. The fact that he’s suddenly being tender, sweet, only makes this whole thing a million times harder. Not to mention more confusing and more infuriating.

I can’t take it anymore, so I bring my arm up and hurl the chain away from me as hard as I can. It slams against the foyer wall before sliding to the floor.

“Goddammit.” He growls the word into my ear, his arms tightening around me like a vise. For the first time it registers that he’s as messed up, as out of control, as I am. For the first time a sliver of fear works its way through the pain.

I know that Ethan would never physically harm me, but if you’d asked me twenty-four hours ago I would have said that he would never treat me like this, either. That he would never dump me so callously, never throw me away like I’m nothing.

And yet here we are. The pieces of what we used to have are lying in ruins at our feet and all that’s left is the pain and the fury and the heat. Always the goddamned heat. Already I can feel a response rising in me, my body so attuned to his that I’m growing wet even as my mind and my memories rage against the position he’s holding me in.

I’m not the only one. His breath is ragged against my ear, his cock hard against my lower back. He’s burning up, hot and shaky and so aroused that I can all but taste it in the air around us.

“Let me go!” I say again, jerking against his grip. If I don’t walk away now, I’m afraid I won’t find the strength to do it later. And I can’t stay, not after everything that’s been said and done.

“Don’t you think I would if I could?” He sounds as tormented as I am. “That’s what I’ve been trying to do. Now it’s too fucking late.”

He pushes me against the door with a hand flat on my back, while his other hand yanks at the waistband of my yoga pants.

“What are you doing?” I demand as my pants and underwear hit the floor. I’m in agony, aroused and afraid and anguished all at the same time.

“What the fuck does it look like?” he growls, sounding nothing like the Ethan I know. The Ethan I love even now. He’s pressed against my lower back and I can feel him fumbling with his own pants. Unbuttoning them. Lowering the zipper.

For a moment, just a moment, terror blanks everything else out.
This can’t be happening. Please, God, this can’t be happening again. Not now. Not with Ethan. Not when I finally feel safe.

I lash out, rake my nails down his biceps.

He curses, presses me more firmly against the door.

“Ethan, please.” I don’t have a clue what I’m asking for—whether I want him to stop or to continue—and I don’t think he does, either.

We’re standing on the edge of an abyss, one where any wrong move will send us—and the pieces of what we’ve shared—tumbling into the darkest oblivion.

I’m paralyzed with distress. I don’t know what to do, what to say. And all I can think is,
Bring it on, you bastard. Bring. It. On.

This is the moment where I see what he’s made of, what he’s capable of. And where I see just how much I can take.

Maybe we’ve been working up to this all along, maybe we haven’t. Either way, I’m not leaving here until I find out exactly how this one moment, this one encounter, is going to play out. He owes me that much, just as I owe him.

At that moment, he pushes himself even more firmly against me. His cock is so hard that it actually hurts to have it shoved against me like that, and I brace myself. Prepare for the worst, even knowing that it may very well send me careening over the last edge of sanity.

I get Ethan instead.

Because no matter how tormented he is, how broken we are, he’s still my Ethan. Tender, sweet, soft. And when he touches me, that’s all that matters. All that will ever matter.

The thought breaks me into even more pieces, but I don’t pull away. I can’t. I’m caught in his grip, pulled under by the passion and the power of this connection that just won’t break.

But then he moves and I tense as he strokes his hands over my shoulders.

Whimper as he lowers his head and kisses my neck.

Shiver as he nibbles at the ticklish spot behind my ear.

I can’t help myself. He’s an addiction that I just can’t kick. One I’m terrified will haunt me the rest of my life.

He laughs in response, even as he licks his way down to the sensitive place where my neck meets my shoulder. Then he bites me.

My body lights up like the Fourth of July, my fear mingling with his fury, my arousal tangling with his need. And I know—I know—that there’s no more reason to fight. Because this is Ethan. He might have torn my heart to pieces, but he still holds me like I’m the most precious thing in his world. I don’t know what that means, and at the moment I don’t actually give a damn.

“Ethan. Please.”

This time he knows what I’m asking. We both do.

His hand slides around to my lower back, presses so that my back bows and my ass pushes more firmly against his stomach. At the same time, his other hand reaches up and cups my breast.

I moan as he squeezes my nipple between his thumb and forefinger, whimper as he bends his knees and slowly slides his cock through the wet, aching lips of my sex.

“I need you.” His breath is hot against my ear. “I tried to let you go. Tried to make you leave. But I can’t. Chloe, baby, I can’t.”

I’m so confused. So turned on. And listening to him is only making it worse. “Ethan. I can’t—”

“Yes, you can.” He kisses and licks his way along my shoulder to the nape of my neck before sliding his tongue slowly—oh so fucking slowly—down my spine.

He’s talking the whole time, murmuring sex words, love words, words that make no sense except that they make me hotter. Make me burn. I want to turn around, to wrap myself around him and beg him to fuck me right here, right now, but Ethan is completely in control of how this goes down and he obviously wants it this way. Needs it this way.

All I want, all I need, is to feel him inside me one more time. He’s barely touched me and already I’m way too close. But I don’t want to come. Not on my own. Not if this is the last time Ethan is ever going to touch me like this.

“Do it!” I tell him, my voice so hoarse it’s nearly unrecognizable.

His only response is to bite me again, his teeth nipping at my back hard enough to leave a bruise this time. I scream, a high-pitched, primal thing that comes from deep inside me. Ethan must like the sound because he does it again. And again. Then his hand slides down my stomach to my abdomen, my mons, and finally, finally, to my aching, desperate sex.

Usually he’s gentle with me, sweet and careful, but this time the need is obviously riding him as hard as it is me. I can feel it in the urgent hardness of his cock, in the fine shivers that rack his body, in the quick, brutal way he shoves three fingers inside me.

Without warning, I go careening over the edge of an orgasm so intense, so shattering, that for long moments I lose myself. I forget everything—the pain, the fear, the rage, the devastation—and just feel.

Before the tremors even stop, Ethan is on his knees behind me. He grabs on to my thighs with his huge hands, yanks my legs apart. I’m spread wide open for him now, so wide that I’m off balance and the only things holding me up are the wall in front of me and Ethan behind me.

The aftershocks of ecstasy are still tearing through me, and I’m off-kilter. Vulnerable. And hurt—still so hurt. But before any of the feelings can take a firm hold, Ethan lifts me up onto my tiptoes and shoves his tongue deep inside me.

I scream. Clutch at the wall. Try to hold on to the last broken pieces of myself that I can claim as my own. But Ethan won’t have it. Not now. Not this time.

He wants everything, every little shard that I have left, and he’s not shy about claiming them. Claiming me.

His tongue is everywhere—circling my clit, sliding along my labia, thrusting deep inside me.

His fingers are everywhere—pinching my nipples and my clit, sliding along the sensitive skin at the bends of my knees and elbows, digging into my thighs and grounding me with small pinches of pain.

He’s
everywhere—behind me, beside me, inside me so deep that I know I’ll never get him out.

Not now. Not after this.

The pleasure is building again, taking me higher and higher and higher until I can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t do anything but feel. I’m insensate with it, completely overwhelmed. Completely under his spell. Just the way Ethan wants me.

With a twist of his tongue, he sends me tumbling into ecstasy again. And again. And again.

Time loses meaning, everything does, until there’s nothing—no one—but Ethan and me and the cataclysmic heat between us.

I’m holding on to the wall now, my fingers seeking purchase, surcease, as my entire body trembles violently. I can’t take much more without breaking, but I don’t want it to be over, either. Don’t want it to end. Not until I feel Ethan inside me one last time.

“Do it,” I choke out. “Damn you. Just do it.”

Ethan’s only answer is to thrust his tongue even deeper inside me at the same time as he presses his thumb slowly, inexorably, into my anus.

My knees buckle as another climax roars through me. This time not even the wall can hold me up. My body starts to sag, to slide down, but Ethan catches me like he always does. Holds me in place. And sends me careening over the edge one more time.

I’m crying now, hot tears of pleasure and pain rolling down my face as sobs rack my body. It’s too much. Too much. Too much. I can’t take anymore.

Ethan knows—like he always does—and suddenly he’s on his feet again. He turns me to face him and through my tears I see the same ecstasy and agony that I’m feeling reflected back at me from his damn oceanic eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he tells me even as he presses hot kisses against my forehead, my cheeks, my lips. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Just do it,” I choke out. “Please. I can’t—”

His mouth takes mine in a kiss so ripe with emotion—with pain and pleasure and everything in between—that all I can do is open myself and take everything he needs to give me.

Then he’s lifting me up, and he’s strong enough that he doesn’t even need the wall to help support me. Instead, he holds tight and growls, “Wrap your arms and legs around me.”

I do, and that’s when he slides deep inside me with one powerful thrust.

“Oh, God. Baby. Oh, God.” He buries his face in my neck, and even as pleasure races through me I register the feel of hot tears against my skin.

“Ethan.” My fingers tangle in his hair, and I try to pull his head up so I can see his eyes. But he refuses to look at me. He’s shaking and shuddering now, so badly that he finally does press me against the wall for added support.

He’s kissing and licking the bend of my neck, sending new sparks of pleasure shooting up and down my spine. But the tremors are still racking his body and I can still feel the tears.

I can’t help it. Destroyed and devastated though I am, I can’t see him like this and not ache. I wrap my arms around him, pull him even closer.

“I love you,” I whisper into his ear, relinquishing the final, broken piece of myself into his care. I can’t stop myself, don’t want to stop myself, even knowing he might very well throw it back in my face before this night is over. “I love you, Ethan Frost, and will until the day I die.”

“Chloe!” He grabs my face in his hands, his mouth latching onto mine like a dying man who has finally found salvation. Seconds later he starts to come, and I pull him closer, hold him tight, as he empties all that he is inside me.