Rule of Life (10 page)

You know what I’m going to say. Yes, life is a pizza, with everything on it. If you want the good bits, you have to deal with the bad bits. If you love everything about your job apart from one person you don’t like dealing with, recognize that the job comes as a package and you buy into it or quit the job. If you R U L E 4 0

love your partner but hate the way she sulks after an argue-ment, accept her as she is and recognize that the sulking is the bit that reminds you how wonderful everything else is. If your neighbor is friendly and keeps an eye on your property when you’re out and signs for your deliveries and babysits the kids, you just have to live with the fact that she talks too much; and stop moaning about it. And when you stop moaning, you’ll probably find you mind it much less.

I know parents who move their child from school to school until they find one that’s perfect in every way. They never do find that, of course, but eventually they have to stop because the child has grown up. I’m not saying you should never move your child (if you have the option), but stop looking for perfection because you won’t find it. Life isn’t perfect.

The best things in life come with chewy, dried tomatoes and olives. There’s no point moaning. Just pick them off, or swal-low them down as fast as you can, and then sink your teeth into what’s left and relish every bite.

T H E B E S T T H I N G S I N L I F E

C O M E W I T H C H E W Y ,

D R I E D TO M ATO E S .

R U L E 4 1

Know When to Let Go—

When to Walk Away

Sometimes you have to just walk away. We all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. We love the challenge of life and want to keep on until whatever we are trying to “win” has been overcome, vanquished, beaten, won. But sometimes it just ain’t going to happen, and we need to learn to recognize those moments, learn how to philosophically shrug and walk away with our pride intact and our dignity high.

Sometimes you really want to do something, but it is unrealistic. Instead of knocking yourself out, cultivate the art of knowing when to walk away, and you’ll find it a lot less stressful.

If a relationship is coming to its end, instead of playing out long and complicated—and potentially hurtful—end games, learn the art of walking away. If it’s dead, leave it. This isn’t a Rule that should be in the relationship section—it’s here because it is for
you
, to protect you, to nurture you. This is nothing to do with “them” but all to do with you. If it’s dead, don’t go digging it up every five minutes to check if there’s a pulse. It’s dead; walk away.

You may want to get even. Don’t get mad; walk away. This is much better than getting even because it shows you have risen above whatever it is that is driving you crazy. And there can be no better way of getting even than to ignore something so completely it can be left behind.

Letting go and walking away means you are exercising control and good decision-making powers—you are making your choice rather than letting the situation control you.

R U L E 4 1

I don’t want to be rude, but your problems—hey, my problems, too—won’t even warrant a footnote in the history of the universe. Walk away now and look back after ten years. I bet you’ll be hard pressed to even remember what it was all about.

No, this isn’t a “time is the best healer” crusade, but putting space and time between you and your troubles does give you a wider view, a better perspective. And the way to do that is to walk away, put that space there. Time will put itself there, in time.

I F I T ’ S D E A D , D O N ’ T G O

D I G G I N G I T U P E V E R Y

F I V E M I N U T E S TO C H E C K

I F T H E R E ’ S A P U L S E .

I T ’ S D E A D ;

WA L K AWAY.

R U L E 4 2

Retaliation Leads to Escalation

Now, I’ll be honest here. Among my friends, I’m not actually known for my tolerance or my ability to let things lie. Frankly, if someone puts me down or winds me up, my first instinct is to respond in kind. When I was (much) younger, this led to the occasional fist fight. Even when I learned to stop picking fights—or letting other people pick them with me—I still couldn’t resist a smartass retort or a petty act of vengeance.

Well, it’s hard. If your neighbor cuts down a tree that’s technically yours, you feel aggrieved and want to cut down one of his trees that overhangs your fence—even if you didn’t particularly like the original tree. Or perhaps a colleague at work takes credit for an idea that you came up with. How tempting to get her back by forgetting to mention until the last minute that the deadline on her current project is being brought forward, or drawing attention to the fact that last month’s catastrophic exhibition was her idea.

However, think about it. (After many years even I learned to think this one through, so I’m sure you can.) Anyone who is prepared to cut down your tree or steal your idea isn’t about to take your little act of revenge lying down. Nope. This person is going to bulldoze your garage next, or try to get you fired.

Then what’ll you do? Blow up his car? Hire an employment lawyer? Are you sure this isn’t getting out of hand?

Actually, this is one lesson I learned from my kids.* The thing about siblings is that they’re so upfront with their squabbles that you can watch the whole thing spiral out of control much faster than in grown-up versions. We so-called adults plot and

*And I’ve been trying to teach it back to them ever since.

R U L E 4 2

scheme and plan our Machiavellian strategies over days or even months.

Brothers and sisters can go from a minor disagreement to all-out war within minutes.

Look, retaliation can only lead to one thing—an escalation of hostilities. That’s the story of wars the world over and throughout history. And we’re no different in our dealings with neighbors, colleagues, and all those other people we get thrown together with whether we like them or not.

So how do we call an end to this madness? The cycle is only broken when one of those involved is mature enough to see that someone has got to bite her tongue, or hold back, to stop it in its tracks. Someone has to be grown-up enough to turn the other cheek, assume the moral high ground, take it like a man**, call a halt, and just let the whole thing drop. Yes, even when you have got a really cutting retort, or cunning master-stroke up your sleeve. It really is sometimes better to do nothing, say nothing. Come on, if I can do it, anyone can.

A N YO N E W H O I S P R E PA R E D

TO C U T D OW N YO U R T R E E

O R S T E A L YO U R I D E A

I S N ’ T A B O U T TO TA K E

YO U R L I T T L E ACT O F

R E V E N G E LY I N G D OW N .

** Or woman, of course.

R U L E 4 3

Look After Yourself

You are the Boss, the Captain, the Driving Force. If you are sick, who is going to run the ship? There is no one else. It makes sense to look after yourself. And I have no intention of getting all preachy here and telling you to go to bed early, eat your greens, and do loads of exercise—that would all be pure hypocrisy because I don’t do any of those things. Doesn’t mean
you
shouldn’t, however. They are all a good idea.

An occasional quick body service might be a good idea, a regular check-up to nip any potential problems in the bud. I have an annual one. I would also suggest that some foods are like dynamite and they fill you with energy, speed your metabo-lism, and make you feel great. Other foods make you sluggish, get stored as fat, and slow you down. They might also do you long-term damage in the way of clogging up your arteries.

Now the choice is entirely yours, but the machine that is you runs better on high-energy food and worse on junk food.

Same with sleep. Going without makes you tired. Having too much makes you lethargic. Getting the right amount makes you feel good. Going back to sleep makes you feel blurry.

Getting up straight away makes you feel good—and noble.

Nothing better. But, of course, all this is entirely up to you. No one is going to stand behind you anymore and make sure you’ve washed behind your ears or check that your shoes are clean and polished. You’re a grown-up and on your own now.

Fantastic. But it means you have all the responsibility, too.

R U L E 4 3

Rules Players eat well, sleep well, relax a lot, exercise. (And no, computer games don’t count.) They also stay away from potentially harmful situations. They know how to say out of danger, avoid threatening encounters, and generally take care of themselves.

Looking after yourself is exactly that. Not relying on anyone else to make sure you are fed on time and fed well, washed and ready to go, comfortable, tidy, healthy, and let out regularly for your walk. It’s great being a grown-up. You get to stay up all night partying if you want to, but you can also choose to take care of yourself if you want to.

YO U ’ R E A G R OW N - U P

A N D

O N YO U R OW N N OW.

R U L E 4 4

Maintain Good Manners in All

Things

In her wonderful book Watching the English,* Kate Fox observes that in any small transaction, like buying a newspaper, there will be around three pleases and two thank-yous—and that’s a minimum. We have to interact with a whole host of people every day, and a little politeness has to be a good thing. The Rules Player maintains good manners in all things. And if you don’t know what good manners are, then we are in trouble.

You’re probably thinking that you have good manners already.

Most of us believe we do. However, the more you hurry and the more stress you are under, the more manners are likely to slip. All of us, if we’re honest, will admit to forgetting to properly express gratitude for something when frazzled by life or feeling a huge temptation to push in front of somebody old when rushing to catch a bus.

However rushed and fraught you are (and following the Rules should make you less so), you should always make the effort to show these good manners:

• Lining up without pushing

• Complimenting people when you need to (and when they deserve it—no use throwing compliments around if they aren’t justified and earned)

• Not sticking your nose in where it isn’t wanted

*
Watching the English: The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour
by Kate Fox (Hodder & Stoughton, 2004).

R U L E 4 4

• Keeping a promise

• Keeping a secret

• Keeping basic table etiquette (oh, come on, you know this stuff: no elbows, no talking with your mouth open, no overstuffing your mouth, no flicking peas with your knife)

• Not shouting at people who get in your way

• Apologizing when you get in someone else’s

• Being civil

• Not swearing or being religiously profane

• Opening the door ahead of people

• Standing back when there’s a rush

• Answering when spoken to

• Saying “good morning”

• Thanking people when they’ve looked after you or done something for you

• Being hospitable

• Observing manners of other communities

• Not grabbing the last piece of cake

• Being courteous and charming

• Offering visitors refreshment and going to the front door to say goodbye to them

No matter how many small interactions with people you have each day, don’t let the manners slip. They cost nothing and yet can generate so much goodwill and make everyone’s life that much more pleasant.

R U L E 4 5

Prune Your Stuff Frequently

Why? Because collecting clutter clutters your home, your life, and your mind. A cluttered home is symbolic of cluttered thinking. Rules Players are clear and direct in their thinking and don’t collect junk. If only. We all do, of course. All I am suggesting is that occasionally clearing some of it out might be a good idea, or it overwhelms you emotionally and gets more and more cobwebby.

Pruning your stuff gives you a chance to get rid of anything that is useless, broken, out of date, uncool, uncleanable, redundant, and ugly. It was, after all, William Morris who said not to have anything in your home that wasn’t useful or beautiful. Having a good clear-out refreshes you, revitalizes you, makes you conscious of what you are collecting—and anything that makes us conscious is a good thing in my book.

Again, I have noticed a difference between successful people and those who seem to labor in a backwater never really getting their lives off the ground. Those who are punchy and getting on with things are also those who have an amazing ability to prune stuff, clear the clutter, sort the wheat from the chaff. Those who are having trouble getting lift-off are those running along the tarmac still clutching black plastic sacks full of useless stuff they bought from the charity shop and have never thrown away—or opened since they bought them, cupboards full of junk that is just taking up space, drawers full of broken things, and closets full of clothes they can no longer get into or which have so long gone out of fashion they may be worth something as collector’s items but will never be worn again.

R U L E 4 5

There is an “unburdening” effect that comes with pruning.

You have more space in your home, you have a feeling of being more in control, and you get rid of that slightly overwhelmed feeling that comes with having piles of stuff accumulating everywhere. You don’t have to live in a spotless house full of designer furniture and minimalist styling. All I’m suggesting is that if you want to find out what’s holding you back, try looking in the cabinet under the sink or under the bed or on the top shelf of the closet in the spare room.

C LU T T E R OV E R W H E L M S

YO U E M OT I O N A L LY A N D

G E T S M O R E A N D M O R E

C O B W E B B Y.

R U L E 4 6

Remember to Touch Base

Before you can touch base, you have to know where base is.