Run to Me (12 page)

‘So what’s it like over there?’ Another
question.

This time she’s got a big smile, but it’s not
for me. She is looking straight up, at the clouds.

‘It’s magnificent. Totally different to here.
The architecture, the food, the art, the music. Everything is on fire in Europe.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Just that. Not literally, of course. But for
me, everything was alight. Sitting in a café in Paris looking at the Eiffel Tower off in the distance, I’ve never been so happy.’

This time she looks at me with a sheepish grin
and I notice her cheeks are slightly flushed.

‘Excuse me, Paul. I didn’t mean to go on about
it so much.’

‘That’s OK. I asked.’

‘Yes, you did,’ she says, looking down at my
knee. ‘How’s it feel?’

‘All right.’

‘Even with the walk, your breathing still sounds
a bit heavy. Are you sure you’re not struggling?’

I just nod. I hadn’t even noticed my breathing,
but I don’t think it’s got much to do with my running.

‘So how long were you there for?’ I ask.

She starts to shake her head but changes her
mind. Maybe she actually wants to talk to me.

‘A few months. I just took myself off and had a
nice long break. It was fun.’

‘You went on your own?’

‘Yes. Have you ever thought about going
overseas, Paul?’

‘Sure, I guess. But it won’t happen.’

‘Why not?’

‘The Chief’s got his own plan for me.’

Her eyes narrow. ‘But what do you want?’

I don’t bother saying anything. There’s lots of
stuff that grabs me but I know The Chief would never go for any of it. And as
much as I hate it, the reality is I’d need some cash to get started. More cash
than I’ve got to my name.

‘You know my parents wanted me to be an
architect,’ she says, reaching up to wrap some stray hair behind her ear. ‘I
had a bit of a knack for drawing house plans when I was a kid. My Dad thought
he had me all figured out. But it was always literature that I loved. And
teaching has always been an urge too.’

I nod. ‘So how’d you change their minds?’

‘I didn’t. I got a loan and paid for my own
education. Not everyone has to rely on their parents.’

I laugh. ‘How’d you know that that is my
problem?’

‘Lucky guess.’

‘Well, I don’t want to go to uni.’

‘You don’t have to.’

This comment hits me straight in the guts.
‘That’s the first time anyone other than Matt has said so.’

‘Then Matt’s a smart guy.’

‘I’m not sure what I want to do yet.’

‘That’s OK too.’

I take a deep breath and kick my leg out again.
The fire has died down and I reckon I could run some more, but I don’t say
anything. I like walking with her. I rack my brain for something else to talk
about so she doesn’t get bored with me.

‘So you like running huh?’ I ask before silently
cursing myself. How lame am I?

She smirks at me. ‘It sure looks like it. And so
do you.’

‘Yeah. It beats being stuck inside.’

She turns to me again and I see her glance at my
forearms.

‘What do you like about running?’ she asks.

‘Good question. It’s the rush I get, I suppose.
It makes me feel great, pounding the ground. I don’t know how to describe the
feeling. It’s like being a kid and waking up on Christmas morning.’

‘That’s a pretty good description there Paul.
Are you sure you’re not a fan of literature?’

‘Like
Wuthering
Heights
?’ I smile.
‘Nope, not really.’  

‘You did quite well when you were reading
Heathcliff.’

‘Ohh, man. You think so? That was pretty
embarrassing.’

‘I’m sure it was. But you enjoyed it, right?’

‘Umm. I guess so. It was better than the other
boring stuff we normally do. No offence, Miss.’

She laughs. ‘No offence? You’ve just told me my
class is boring.’

‘No, not your class. Just class in general, you
know?’

She’s still chuckling. ‘Right.’

‘I mean it, Miss. Your class is the best.’

‘Quit sucking up, Paul.’

We both laugh now.

I shrug. ‘Sorry. Can’t help myself.’

‘Well, there’s news for you. I plan on a repeat
performance before the year is out, but I won’t tell you when. You’ll be cast
in the role of Heathcliff.’

‘As long as Reggie doesn’t have to do Catherine.’

‘Oh don’t worry. I wouldn’t subject the class to
that all over again.’

We’re laughing again and I look at the dimples
in her cheeks. They make her look about twelve years old.

‘How old are you, Miss?’

‘Why? Am I behaving like a child?’

Shit. I’d better backtrack, fast. ‘That’s not
what I meant. I was just wondering.’

She stops laughing and looks down at her feet
for a long time. I’m thinking she won’t bother answering me when she raises her
head.

‘Thirty-four.’

I let out a whistle before I can stop myself.

She turns to me with a look of pure amusement.
‘Older or younger than you thought?’

‘Neither. It was pretty much what I’d guessed.’

‘Yeah right.’

‘No, it’s true. It’s a gift of mine.’

She snorts. ‘That’s your party trick? Guessing
people’s ages?’

‘Yep.’

She shakes her head, but she is still grinning.
We walk along in silence again. The whole park seems empty, except for us. I
try not to look down at her chest but it is inevitable.

‘We’re almost done here, Paul,’ she says.

For a second I’m confused. Did she catch me
staring? Then we round a corner and I see the others lounging on the grass up
ahead. I look over my shoulder to make sure we’re at the end. I’m surprised it
came around so quickly. Wasn’t it five kilometres?

 When I turn back I misjudge my footing and ram
into her. She reaches out to me to steady herself and her hand comes to rest on
my forearm.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says after we have both
straightened up. ‘For the hand.’

‘No worries. It was my fault you stumbled.’

‘Yes. But there are rules about touching the
students.’

‘Geez. It’s not like you molested me or
something.’

I’m kind of laughing but she’s got a serious
expression on. She shakes her head and then looks down at her feet again. I
wipe my sweaty palms on my shirt and try not to think about her hand on my
forearm. But trying not to just makes it worse. When we get back to the others,
I can hardly concentrate. I know Matt is talking to me, asking me what is wrong
with my knee, but I hardly hear him. I’ve got my eyes fixed on her.

She is smiling as she talks to Pete and then she
turns around. She sees me, and I almost expect the smile to slide away but
instead she just stares at me, and I swear the smile gets bigger.

Nine

Over the Easter break Todd invites us to his place
for a barbeque. I jump at the chance, mainly so I can get out of the house, and
hopefully out of my own mind. With the days spread out, and Luke away at work
for hours at a time, I’ve noticed Paul floating into my thoughts a lot. I think
about that last running session, imagine him breathing heavy alongside me and the
way we’d laughed together. I’m not sure what came over me, but I was actually
having fun with him. I was shocked how much I enjoyed the movement of our
bodies next to each other. And I did like talking to him, more than I do with
my other students. Now, the more I think about it, the more my stomach starts
to churn.

So I get in the car with Luke and push Paul from
my mind. Todd has told me all about his new two-storey house; it came complete
with a giant backyard and a ready-made nursery just off the master bedroom.
Meredith is seven months pregnant and when we arrive she greets us at the door,
all bulge and smiles.

‘You look great. How are you feeling?’ I ask.

‘Pretty good. But I feel like an elephant, and
this thing’s not even done growing yet.’

We all laugh and I introduce her to Luke.

‘Nice to meet you,’ he says.

I notice he avoids looking at her stomach.

‘Todd’s out the back. He’s got the barbie all
fired up.’

We follow her through the immaculate white
kitchen to the backyard. Meredith has laid out cutlery and plastic cups,
napkins and paper plates, all over two tables with long wooden benches on
either side. A few people are mingling near the tables, dipping crackers and
carrot pieces into pots of homous. Todd has taken up prime position near the
barbie, with beer bottle in hand. When he sees me he waves us over. 

‘You made it. Hi Luke,’ he says, extending his
hand.

‘How’s it going?’ says Luke.

‘Yeah, good thanks. How are you, Abby? You want
a beer?’

‘Sure.’

Todd leaves the barbeque long enough to grab us
a couple of beers from the esky lying beside the table. He downs the dregs of
his own and cracks open another bottle. He tilts his head back and drains
almost half of it in one go.

‘Whoa. Slow down,’ I say, laughing. ‘Are you in
some kind of sculling contest?’

Todd smiles and throws his arm around my
shoulders. ‘No way. Just enjoying the sunshine, the holidays, and the next few
months before the rug rat turns up.’ He takes another swig and then points his
bottle at Luke. ‘Because it’s all down hill after that.’

He is laughing and Luke makes a kind of grunting
noise. Smiling, they clink bottles and each take a slurp of beer.

I frown at them both. ‘This is what all men
think, right? Baby equals death.’

Todd lets go of my shoulder and turns back to
the barbie, but he is still laughing. Luke stares at me, then he just shrugs.

‘So what do you reckon, huh?’ says Todd, waving
his arm to show off the house and backyard.

‘It’s lovely, Todd.’

‘Yeah I like it,’ nods Luke.

‘I’ll give you a tour of the inside later. Wait
until you see what Meredith’s done with the nursery.’

Todd addresses this last part to me. Luke looks
at me curiously and clears his throat.

‘Need a hand with this barbie?’ he asks Todd.

Todd smirks and waves the oversized tongs at
Luke. ‘Nah I think I’ve got it under control, thanks mate.’

‘Yeah, Luke,’ I say with a smile, ‘there can
only be one alpha male.’

Todd laughs. Luke stares at me but doesn’t even
smile. When Todd turns his attention back to the barbeque I mouth to Luke ‘are
you OK?’ He just shrugs.

‘How are we all going over here?’

It’s Meredith, coming up behind Todd and
wrapping her arm around his stomach.

‘The snags are almost done,’ says Todd.

‘Great. Now, Abby. Let’s leave these boys to
it.’ She extends her hand to me. ‘Come with me.’

She leads me back into the kitchen. Spread
across the white benchtop are a number of bowls filled with salads and bread,
fruit and cold pasta.

‘Sorry to drag you into this but I need a hand
carrying all this outside,’ says Meredith with a sheepish grin.

‘It’s no problem. I’m happy to help. You really
shouldn’t be on your feet all day anyway, right?’

‘Actually, I feel great. I think I have more
energy than before I was pregnant. If I didn’t have to get fat I’d want to be
pregnant forever.’

I laugh. ‘Imagine that.’

‘Yeah maybe not the best of ideas.’ Meredith
smiles and starts rubbing her belly. ‘It is glorious though. Have you two
thought about children yet?’

My stomach does a back flip, and not the good
kind.

‘Um...’ I begin, but I can’t find the words.

Meredith pulls a face. ‘Oh, Abby. I’m sorry.’
She shakes her head. ‘Just ignore me. I didn’t mean to be nosey.’

‘No, that’s OK. I get asked that a lot. It’s one
of those things I guess. Once you’ve been married for a few years...’

‘Yes but it really is no one else’s business.’

I nod. ‘Mmm.’

Meredith busies herself getting condiments and
sauces from the fridge. I’m usually fairly guarded about our fertility issues.
I mean, like Meredith said, it really isn’t anybody else’s business. And I
haven’t felt the need to go over and over it. Luke and I did enough of that as
it is. But there’s something about Meredith. Something about her gentle nature
that makes me want to confide in her. 

I clear my throat. ‘We tried, but it doesn’t
seem like it’s possible for us.’

Meredith closes the fridge door and looks me
straight in the eye. There isn’t a hint of pity in her look.

‘I’m sorry Abby. How are you handling that?’

‘It’s been hard. But I’m getting better. I mean,
it’s getting easier to take.’

‘There are always other options.’

‘Luke won’t adopt. And he thinks IVF is too
expensive.’

This is the first time Meredith’s expression has
changed from one of neutral compassion. She narrows her eyes and stares at me
in horror. I know what she’s thinking. How could anyone choose money over a
chance to have a baby? I’ve asked myself that a thousand times.

‘It’s OK. I understand where he’s coming from.
This has been really hard on both of us. After a while it really starts to drag
you down, and you kind of lose the motivation, or desire, to even bother. You
know? I mean, if you’re likely to be disappointed again...’

I listen to myself defending him. Is this really
what I think?

Meredith is rubbing her belly again. ‘But it’s
worth the risk. You’ve got to have faith.’

We ran out of that a long time ago, I feel like
saying. But I don’t. I just nod.

‘I can’t imagine a future without children. Are
you really OK with giving up that chance?’

This time there is pity in her face. She thinks
I’ve signed on to a prison sentence. That I’ve chosen a life of unfulfilled
dreams. Or is that what
I
think? I look out the window at Luke hovering
by the barbeque. I never thought that this is where we’d be after seven years
together. Still alone, still just the two of us. I thought we’d have moved on,
grown up. As I watch him drain his beer bottle I can’t help but think that
maybe he never wanted those things. Maybe I’d gotten him all wrong, all this
time.

‘Where are those salads, woman?’ Todd calls from
the yard. ‘We men are hungry out here.’

He smiles at Luke and hands him another beer.

‘You’d drop dead of hunger if it wasn’t for us,’
yells Meredith out the open back door. She is smiling and holding on to her
bump like a jovial Santa Claus.

Todd thumps his chest in a Tarzan impression.
‘We men. We cook meat.’

Luke joins in. He starts scratching his head
like a monkey and screeching loudly.

Meredith laughs. ‘What would we do without them,
huh?’ she says to me with a softening smile.

I grab a couple of salad bowls and carry them
outside. When Meredith appears behind me Todd races over to her and pats her
belly.

‘Remember, little one,’ he says, ‘Daddy cooks
the meat, Mummy makes the salad.’

‘Shush, you,’ says Meredith, swatting Todd’s
hand away playfully.

They smile at each other and then Todd leans in
to kiss his wife. I glance at Luke. He is watching Meredith closely and his
eyes rest on her stomach for a long moment. He looks bored. He takes another
swig of beer and then catches me staring. He seems to frown and I swear I see a
hint of sorrow in his expression. But then he shakes his head and turns away
from me. 

***

I crash at Matt’s for most of the holidays. It
beats dealing with all of Bianca’s stupid friends who hang around our place
gossiping and eating chocolate. Or whatever they do. Matt’s mum is at work all
day so we get the place to ourselves. We spend the majority of our time on the
couch, playing Street Fighter. After a week, Matt is kicking my arse. I’m down
almost two hundred points.

‘So when is Nicole back?’ I ask Matt when we
take a break for lunch.

‘Tomorrow,’ he says, pulling some ham and cheese
from the fridge.

I grab us four slices of bread each and start
slapping on the butter. ‘You must be dying for it,’ I say with a smirk.

‘You bet. I hate that she’s always away during
the holidays.’

‘Yeah that sucks. But your Mum’s pretty cool. I
mean, she’ll let Nicole stay over when she’s back right?’

Matt shrugs. ‘I don’t know. She was all for it
in the beginning, but when I mentioned it the other day she said it wasn’t a
good idea.’

I load some ham and extra-thick cheese onto our
bread. ‘Really? What does that mean?’

‘Who knows. It’s probably some weird mother
thing. Not wanting me to grow up or something.’

I laugh. ‘Yeah, or she doesn’t want her son
getting any when she’s not.’

Matt pulls a face and punches me on the arm.
‘Eww, dude.’

‘What? It’s true. She must be horny as hell
after all these years.’

I’m laughing while Matt pretends to gag and
throw up in the sink.

‘Shut up, Beckett. Or better yet, how about
picturing The Chief giving it to your Mum.’

I point a knife at Matt with mock anger. ‘Don’t
even go there.’

‘Aww, come on. Just imagine it. Candlelight,
rose petals, The Chief crooning out some Barry White.’

I laugh. ‘That’s a little over the top for The
Chief. He’s probably more your wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kind of guy.’

‘Or wham-bam and no thank you.’

‘Nice one,’ I say and we high-five.

Matt grabs us a couple of Coke’s and we settle
back on the couch with our sandwiches.

‘Seriously though,’ I say between bites. ‘You
and Nicole are still pretty tight these days, right?’

Matt nods. ‘Sure.’

‘You guys have been together a long time.’

He shrugs. ‘Over a year.’

‘What’ll happen when we’re done with school?’

Matt looks at me with raised eyebrows. ‘What’s
with the sudden interest in the fate of my relationship?’

This time I shrug. ‘I don’t know. I guess I’ve
just been thinking about that stuff lately. How it’d be nice to be getting
some.’

Matt’s smirks. ‘Yeah, all right,
Reggie
.’

‘No I mean it. It’s been a while, and this just
doesn’t cut it anymore,’ I say, holding out my right hand.

‘Well...’ says Matt, mulling it over. ‘Surely
there’s someone at school...’

‘Yeah. But you’re not going to like who.’

We stare at each other for a moment, and then
Matt rolls his eyes.

‘Mrs Fox,’ he says.

‘Yep.’

‘But that’s a whole other story. I mean, me and
Nicole, that’s fine. Hell even Reggie and Rachel Stevenson. But you’re talking
about hooking up with a teacher. It just doesn’t make sense, mate.’

I shrug and start in on my second sandwich. We
sit there eating in silence for a while, until finally Matt slaps his thigh and
stands up.

‘Let’s go for a meat pie. These sandwiches
aren’t working for me.’

‘OK,’ I say, nodding. ‘But as soon as we get back
I’m making up some of these points.’

‘Sure, mate. Whatever you reckon.’

We leave our dirty plates on the kitchen sink
and head out front to our bikes. I like the way the wind smacks me in the face
as we speed down the hill towards town. It’s that same kind of rush I get from
running, but on a smaller scale. My body works a lot harder when I run, so
cycling does pale in comparison. Still, nothing beats a good ride.