Running on Empty (27 page)

But, I also understand that even though he was upset with me, he helped without hesitation when I needed it. He forgave me when I simply asked. He put his weekend aside to help me take care of my children. He held me when I cried. He did all of these things because of the person that he is. I know I won’t allow myself to take this relationship for granted again. I lost it once by being selfish. I refuse to allow that to happen for a second time. I’ve already lost too much in this lifetime.

With his arms still around me, I pull away from his chest and wipe my face with my hands. Taking a deep breath, I look up to see his concerned eyes looking down at me. “I’m okay, Blake. I promise. It just caught me by surprise, that’s all.”

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Alex. I guess, after all these years, I feel that I owe it to myself to at least tell you the truth so I can stop being angry at myself and running every what if scenario though my head.” He watches my face carefully while he speaks. “I’m sorry if I shocked you. But I also want you to know that having you back in my life as my
friend
…well…I’ve missed you. And I hope that what I said doesn’t ruin that for me. I just needed you to know the truth.”

I reach back and grab his hands that are resting on my lower back and bring them to the front of our bodies. Holding them tightly, I scoot closer to him. “You won’t lose me. I know you would never hurt me.” I hesitate, trying to plan my next words carefully.

“I’m not sure what’s going on between us. It scares me. I feel things for you that I never thought I would feel again. You make me feel alive. I can’t thank you enough for that, Blake.” I lower our hands and shift my body backwards.

“But I need time. This isn’t the same as when we were kids. I have three little girls who are very affected by the decisions I make. I have to be responsible. I can’t get wrapped up in something just because it feels good. I don’t have that luxury anymore. I hope you can understand that.” Blake lets go of my hands and reaches up to gently stroke my face.

“Alex, I’ve waited this long. Turns out I’m a very patient man,” he says with a smile. “I can wait. I understand about your girls, and I wouldn’t let you rush into anything you’re not absolutely sure about…for their sakes. I understand that completely. I can wait knowing that in the end, if you choose me, then I’m a lucky man. If you don’t choose me, we’ll still be friends, but then I can move on. There will be no more what ifs.”

His thumb moves down my jaw line until he holds my chin between his thumb and forefinger. He inches forward closing the distance I just created. He leans over slowly and puts his face in my line of sight. My eyes involuntarily watch his mouth as he licks his lips. In one swift movement, he leans forward and plants a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. I feel his hair as it falls forward and tickles my face. His scent washes over me. A smile breaks across my face and, with his lips barely touching mine, I feel him do the same.

“So, just friends, right?” he teases.

With the same smile plastered on my face, all I can manage is a small nod and a simple, “Friends.”

Totally. Just friends.

I think.

A couple of weeks have passed since our romantic recreation on the boat. Blake regularly shows up at my office to take me to lunch. I can tell Harlow is secretly pleased, but she never says anything to me. I keep our “lake discussion” from her; I feel guilty doing it. There’s nothing I keep from Harlow, but anything between Blake and myself I want to remain private, for now. The last thing I want is her interjecting her every opinion. I need to make this decision on my own.

During our lunch dates, Blake and I discuss the girls, Harlow's love life, his dad's retirement and his impending decision. The conversation is effortless and we easily fall back into being friends. It's nice, yet different. When I’m around him, there’s definitely no shortage of longing gazes, heart flutters, and jolting touches. We both know there are feelings involved. I think he’s waiting for me to make the first move. I never do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it every now and then.

In fact, he’s been invading my thoughts way too much lately. I know I need to take control of this issue… like,
now
. But deep down, I don’t think I want to. Which is probably the reason I’m giggling like a school girl, on this very early Sunday morning, as I hit the send button on my phone.

“Hello?” I hear his sexy raspy voice; I’m obviously waking him from his sleep.

“So, my lovely daughters have taken my coffee hostage and refuse to give it back to me unless I call you and officially invite you to breakfast this morning.” Blake laughs loudly into the phone. “Blake, we have a hostage situation. This is very important so stop laughing! I need you to get over here because I
have
to have my coffee.”

I shift around in my bed to make myself more comfortable with this conversation. This is the first time I’ve called him to ask him for anything. Only for my children…I tell myself.

“Really? I’ve actually been waiting on this phone call…but if you want me to come over, just ask me. You don’t have to use your children…or coffee. Really, Alex?” he says, snickering on the other end of the line.

This is exactly what I’ve been dealing with these last few weeks. Innuendos from Blake and me deflecting them like Wonder Woman. For someone so sweet, he’s seriously full of himself. Unfortunately, I seem to be finding it sexier and sexier. This does not bode well in my favor.

“Look, the girls would like to cash in their breakfast date. I’m just relaying the message. If there’s some weird fascination you have with me asking you to come over, that’s your issue…not mine.” I smile to myself.
Ha! Take that.

“Alright.” I hear him moving under his sheets. My mind goes places I don’t even want to describe. “I’ll be there at nine o’ clock. Is that too early?”

“No, you know as well as I do that they get up at the crack of dawn. We’ll be up and ready…unfortunately. Come on over. You’re more than welcome to keep them busy so I can enjoy my morning.”

I hear his familiar chuckle. “I could help you enjoy your morning even more, you know?”

“Shut up, Blake! Seriously, my children have requested your presence…not me. So you’re officially
their
guest, not mine.” Luckily I’m used to this from him by now so I’m not taken by surprise. “I’m going to tell them nine o’clock. You better be here.”

“I’ll be there. There’s no place I’d rather be on a Sunday morning.” I sigh out loud. I don’t know why he has to go and say something like that…always making it hard for me to breathe.
Jerk.
But not.
Damn him.

Rolling my hair around my finger like I’m in high school, I sit up in bed to catch my breath. “Okay…so I can go get my coffee now?”

“Alex, I’ll bring you any kind of coffee you want…within a twenty mile radius, just name it.”
Damn him…again.

“I’ve infiltrated their quarters and located the target. I just need to be sure negotiations are secured so ‘Operation: Get My Freakin’ Coffee Back’ can commence. So, just be here at nine. You aren’t the one that has to deal with ‘Where’s Blake?’ every five seconds. If you really want to make my morning, just be here on time.”

“You got it. I’m there. Tell the girls I can’t wait. What do you need me to bring?”

I literally laugh out loud, picturing the shopping trip we made in preparation for this phone call. Once Harlow paid the girls, I made them wait a while. I didn’t want them to think every weekend was going to involve a visit from Blake. So, once I finally caved after their millionth request, they insisted we go right then to the store. Buying two bags of chocolate chips this time.

“Nothing, Blake. We have it covered, trust me. Just bring yourself…that’s enough.” I cringe at the last part of my statement. Really? I hope that doesn’t sound too obvious. I want him here, but I don’t want him to
know
I want him here.

“Alright, I’m there. Nine o’clock.” I feel my heart race triple speed.

“Okay, see you then.” I hang up before he has a chance to say anything else. I look over to my end table. Opening the drawer, I smile as I pick up the last thing I put in there before going to bed last night, and every night recently.

I flip through all the charms that Blake had given me. Reliving each memory, I hold the bracelet and let it intertwine between my fingers. When it falls to the base of my fingers, I wrap them around the bracelet and clench it tightly in the palm of my hand. Turning into my pillow, I take a breath of contentment and close my eyes.

Everything in me wants this man. I can’t deny that. I’m drawn to him and unfortunately I can’t seem to control it. And I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t go through another loss like I did with Derek. I can’t put my girls through that. It feels much safer to just not allow it to happen. But the warmth I feel inside when I’m around him, the life I feel…it’s undeniable.

While still clenching the bracelet, I feel the peace it brings to my heart. Something about it is familiar, it eases my soul. So for now, even if I don’t know anything about my life and the course it will run with Blake, I keep him close every night when I hold these charms.

And something within me knows I’ll continue to hold on until there’s a reason not to.

I belt out a laugh as I walk out of my bedroom to start cooking for the much anticipated breakfast. I see all three girls running around the living room, dressed like they’re about to attend prom. We’ve had lots of dress up outfits over the years that now reside in trunks on the floor of Rylie’s closet. Most of them are dresses covered in sequins, which I see my daughters have chosen as their attire for this morning.

Nycole’s dressed in a bright red sequined “clapper” dress that she wore last year for Halloween. Complete with matching feather.

Kyndall’s dressed in an old hot pink dance dress with black polka dots and black sequined trim. Complete with black tap shoes…which are
not
quiet as she runs around on the tile in the hallway.

Rylie’s dressed in her favorite Sleeping Beauty dress and matching plastic Sleeping Beauty shoes. Complete with a set of cat whiskers that her sisters must have drawn on her face while I was in the shower. I
really
hope they used the washable markers.

I can’t help but feel underdressed. I glance down at my beautifully made “That’s What She Said” t-shirt and jean shorts.

“So, do I need to go change? I didn’t know we were dressing up today.” I turn around slowly displaying my outfit. Nycole’s face lights up. “I know exactly what you can wear. Stay here,” she says bolting out of the room. When she re-enters, she’s holding one of my favorite dresses. I knew this is the one she would pick. It’s the one I wore for my last anniversary with Derek. It’s a sequined tube dress that’s nude in color with darker sequins sewn onto the mesh overlay. It’s beautiful. In her other hand she’s holding my favorite six inch T-strap champagne high heels. I shake my head at her and the wide grin on her face. “No way. The dress I’ll wear, but no shoes. I’ll break my ankle running around in those things.”