Saint And Sinners (117 page)

The way I have this planned is that when you walk through the door, I would greet
you, feed you, make love to you. Sometimes, things get derailed though, and lust decides
to have its way so I won’t be surprised if dinner comes last, and we cum first. In
any case, this night is dedicated to YOU. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, baby.
We’ve been through more than the average couple I believe, but you have had to deal
with some shit I would not wish on anyone. For most women are not married to an Angel
Child, let alone a multi-tiered one, at that. Please, do not think that I do not consider
what it is like to be in your shoes. I personally don’t know if I would’ve been able
to handle being a civilian married to the likes of a person like me, and that makes
me even more in awe of you. I know how I am, and you love me in spite of it all. You’re
my backbone when I feel like just lying down somewhere and being left alone. You’re
my feet when I’m too weary to take another step. You’re my mind when I’m not thinking
straight. You’re my heartbeat when my murmur gets extra spastic. Xenia, you are my
everything…

I want to talk to you about that a bit more. Do you understand just how one and the
same we are? How connected? I believe that you do, but I want to break this down further.
When you exhale, I inhale, and vice versa. If you’ve ever woken in the middle of the
night and looked at me, the way my chest rises and falls, it is always in sync with
yours. This is in part due to the fact that when we make love, we share each other’s
DNA, our genetics. This is one of the many reasons why sex is so spiritual, so important,
as I explain in the conferences to the Rainbeaus. I have completely reprogrammed you.
My body, mind and spirit married yours. By making love to you, I’ve changed how you
walk, talk, smell, listen, taste and see the world.

Your genetic pain is inside of your womb, baby. Women carry their pain in their gut.
It can travel around to your back as well, but as far as the womb—that is your core.
The first time I made love to you, I expected to find the hurt, and I did. So much
emotional trauma…so much worry. Each stroke, every thrust of my penis inside of you
helped to filter it, remove it, set you free, because my intentions for you were pure
and all I wanted was for you to let me love you. I would not take from you without
putting something back, without giving and helping to restore. A man can either help
restore and repair a woman, Xenia, or he can push toxins, poisons inside of her if
his spirit and intentions are not pure. We are both taking in and putting out energy.
We are giving and receiving, but you are the receiver. Our bodies dictate this, so
me, as your man, must always be careful with your spirit…

When I took you inside of me, via cunnilingus, ate your pussy, I brought you INTO
my body. That is a spiritual connection. Sex, as you already know, is for procreation.
It is also for connection between two souls. That connection is a soul elevation.
We are nothing but energy, and we exchange energy, when we make love. We are constantly
taking in energy, from morning to night. Just walking around, we take in toxins, and
we take in air. When making love, it is the same principles, only more powerful. This
is why the man disappears inside of the woman’s body—we literally become one. A part
of us, the source of life that we use to procreate, is pushed inside of you, hidden
during lovemaking. Our genitalia is on the outside, yours on the inside, but we reverse
that during intercourse.

When we thrust inside of you, we disappear, when we withdraw during thrusting, if
you look closely, the lining of your pussy clings to our shaft, as we draw you out.
It is now exposed. You know that I talk about chakras all the time. One thing you
should know, as my soulmate, is that even our chakras are now linked, Xenia. Your
vaginal fluid is like cerebral fluid, and pre-cum, the penis’ natural lubricant and
extra insurance for pregnancy, is also such. It is supposed to be ingested and shared
with your mate. You can’t stop it from being shared during unprotected intercourse
and oral sex; it is virtually impossible. Our brains are very busy during sex, contrary
to some belief systems. They are communicating with our lower chakra while we engage
in sexual activity, and if we listen, we become better lovers.

When you and I become one via our sexual expression to one another, we are healing
each other, Xenia. This whole business we had to take care of, and the impact it had
on our marriage was simply a small piece of the iceberg. We communicate with one another
verbally, nonverbally and on a spiritual level, my love. That spiritual level is many
times expressed via our sex life. Koki discovered something about me that many did
not understand—and that is, I am healed through sex with you.

Xenia, I have discovered that my sex addiction actually led me to you. Let me explain.
I was addicted to sex for all the reasons I’ve stated in the past. In that alone,
dysfunction thrived. However, when I met you, and you became my obsession, and I fell
in love with you so hard, my weakness itself further let me know you were the only
woman for me, and I could be devoted and faithful to you, regardless of my high sex
drive and all that that entails.

I do not think as clearly when we go too long without it, because as stated, cerebrally,
you are tied into me. Xenia, you are my anchor. You keep me level, you keep me steady.
Before you entered my life, baby, I was all over the fucking place. I had a hard time
focusing sometimes, too. Now, yes, I made do, but it was completely different after
we connected. Once we became a couple, it is like my mind completely opened up. I
felt a sense of physical power I hadn’t had before, either. It also made me more willing
to listen to myself, and accept myself for who and what I was. It allowed my best
friend, Raphael, to finally get through to me. He’d tried for years, baby. He wanted
to talk to me about my abilities, but I wanted to keep running, and not deal with
it.

Until you came into my life…

Then suddenly, I was at least a bit more open to the idea of hearing him out. You’ve
changed me, forever. You made a man of me. You made me feel things I never dreamed
possible. So when you told me you’d leave me, so I could be happy, you did not understand
that you leaving me would kill me. You’d chop my arms and legs off, and rip out my
heart, too. I can do NOTHING without you. You’re my heart. You’re my air. You protect
me, even when you sleep. I’ve known this for years, but it became even clearer after
Koki set out to devastate me. He knew, even more than I, the impact this would have
on me. I’ve gone without sex before, you know this, but I wasn’t preparing for battle
at those points.

Usually, those periods of abstinence were for a greater cause, thus, I was able to
handle it better and I knew it would not last forever. When you rejected me, something
inside of me changed, died a bit. I had no idea how to fix it, and became deeply concerned
it could not only last for months, but through the duration of our marriage. I was
ashamed and afraid. Koki knew this; he understood the lack of sex was only one component.
Xenia, not being inside of you is not what hurt me the worst. What hurt me most was
the rejection…not being wanted by you. Even when you thought I had cheated on you
with Payton, I knew a part of you still wanted me, so the sexual abstinence I forced
on us to bring you back to me did not have the same ramifications. YOU. STILL. DESIRED.
ME! That was the key, and he was intelligent enough, cunning enough, evil enough,
to figure that out; thus, he took his next course of action and it nearly destroyed
us.

But it didn’t work. He failed. I got the information I needed, when I needed it. Just
as Lawrence and my father have assured me for years that I would. You are the Queen
of this family. Thus, I highly respect you, bow down to you, kiss your feet and your
jewel-covered hand as you sit by my side. You have given me two beautiful princes
and a princess—even as I write this letter, I can’t stop smiling about these three
blessings in our lives. You believed in me, when things looked bleak. You took a chance
on me, when all you saw was a crazy man who tried to fuck you into oblivion but loved
the shit out of you, too. I was insane, scattered, and I still am to some degree,
but you know I’m sincere and you know I’d turn this world inside out to keep you,
and make you happy. You have been more than I could ever dream of, Xenia. Every time
I put my lips up to yours, the softness of your mouth drives me crazy. Every time
I wrap my arms around your small waist, my thoughts drift to keeping you in that embrace
as long as I can.

I am so addicted to you, and I’m not ashamed of it. It feels good. You are my drug.
You are what I crave when I wake up in the morning, when I need a pick-me-up in the
afternoon, and when I go to sleep at night. Not just sexually, Xenia—I mean EVERYTHING
about you. Your smooth skin, your smile, all that sexy fucking hair… your sweet, down-to-Earth
personality. Your voice, just beautiful! Your spirit, zest for life. You’re just a
damn good person, far more than I ever deserved! Even the way you mother our children
turns me on! There is something about watching you taking care of my seeds that drives
me that much closer to you. You’re not a good mother, Xenia. You’re an EXCELLENT mother.
Each time I got you pregnant, it was a gift from you to me, and from me to you. Each
time you carried those pregnancies, through the pain, discomfort, you kept giving
to me. Each time you gave birth, it was the ultimate sacrifice. We have a beautiful
family, and our Creator blessed us with those children so that we may take care of
them, and help them grow into productive and content adults. It is a big undertaking,
but together, we can do it. I learn so much from you, Xenia, every day. Sometimes
I may act like I know everything, but I know I do not. You’re not just my student,
you’re my teacher. You taught me how to stop being so egotistical, and to consider
someone else for a change. You taught me that if I wanted love, and to find my Queen,
I had to act like a King, and not just in words, but in my behavior and actions! A
king takes care of himself, his castle and his family! And he does so PROUDLY. He
makes sure his Queen does not needlessly suffer, and should they run into hard times,
she never has to question his dedication to fixing whatever it is that has gone wrong,
gone astray, especially if he is in some way to blame.

You made me grow up, Xenia. When we were first together, I was still rather immature
and self-absorbed. I was a bit of a tyrant, imposing my way. Now, I am able to sit
back for a moment and look at things from different perspectives. You taught me about
fairness, and about how pride has no place in affairs of the heart. I still struggle
with that, and I believe I always will, but through your constant presence in my life,
you keep me striving to be a better man. I begged for you in my prayers, but now,
I beg for you in front of sold-out crowds of people, and I’m not embarrassed! You
are the only person that could make me do that, but here you are—you DO. When I say
beg, I am talking about the way I think about you, want to be with you and around
you all the time. My heart and my soul beg to always be near you, Xenia. When we aren’t
together, I miss you more than words could ever express.

When I was growing up as a teenager in New York, I never imagined I’d fall in love,
and this hard, at that. It is almost impossible to describe. But…I knew when I saw
you the first time in L.A, I knew, baby, that you had me, it was a wrap…I knew my
search was over. I had found my Queen, and I’d never be the same. A part of me did
feel a bit selfish and guilty, though. I had these gifts, and I understood that, if
I married you, you’d probably be subjected to the implications of such a thing. I
also knew you wanted children, and I wanted them with you, as well. I realized that
if we had children, they may end up like me, my DNA passed onto them, and they too,
could be kissed by the Angel of Death and the Angel of Mercy since it tends to run
in families.

A part of me understood my father’s worries at that point. I could not comprehend
his concerns until I, too, became a father. You were not from ‘my world’ in that way,
and this would all be new to you, and we’d be learning together as we went along.
Rather than run from it though, and telling me we simply wouldn’t have children, you
wanted Hassani so badly, and then I approached you about a second child; we agreed
upon it, and you brought Dakarai into the world soon after. Then along came Isis,
our precious baby girl. I could have continued; I would have given you as many children
as you wanted, but I knew you were satisfied at that point, and our family was complete.

I’m looking forward to growing old, with you baby. I’m looking forward to relaxing
one day, and watching our grandchildren from a front porch swing as they play out
in our front yard on some beautiful, summer day. I’m looking forward to just exhaling,
and you inhaling, and our hearts beating in sync. You’ve changed my life forever.
You’ve changed my molecular structure. You’ve changed my stubborn, hard-headed mind.
You’ve changed me for the greater good! I am trying to get through this letter without
falling apart, Xenia. You’ll be home soon, and I don’t want to look all crazy when
you walk through that door. I want this night to go well, because it is only a small
token of appreciation, of what you actually deserve.

There is no other woman like you on the planet. Trust me, before I met you, I looked.
There will be no other woman like you, thereafter. I am blessed beyond measure. I
am blessed to be able to lie next to such perfection, a thing of extreme beauty. I
am blessed to hold your hand, to inhale your scent, to wrap my arms around your body,
to suck and kiss and lick your valley, to push my love inside of you. To make love
to you, all damn night, and morning too! It’s a blessing to laugh with you, to joke
with you, to even argue with you because that means we are just human, baby, and we’re
married, doing what married people do! We’re still working to understand one another,
trying to learn from one another, and to make this hard life a little less stressful.