Saint And Sinners (85 page)

“H
ey baby,” Saint
stated, a big grin on his face. “I understand you’re over Jagger and Traci’s spot.”

“Yeah.” She yawned. “I just wanted to chill with some friendly company. Mama has the
children. I’m getting ready to go, actually. I need to get in the bed. I had no plans
of staying over here this late, but we got to talking about the baby, the Queendom
Conference and all of that.”

“Yeah.” He scratched his chin and lay back on the cool sheets of his bed at the Peninsula
Chicago Hotel. He stretched his legs, his body almost molding and contouring to the
furniture. It provided a wee bit of comfort in his troubled hour. “Sounds like fun.”

“Are you patronizing me?” He could hear the smile in her voice…glad he was the reason
for it.

“Who, me?” He grinned, then laughed lightly over the phone. “I’d never!” He cracked
up louder now as he adjusted his boxer shorts… The comforting sound of her voice made
his dick slightly raise to attention.

“Jagger said you did a great job tonight. I have no idea why you are so superstitious
about me watching you while you perform! I would have liked to have seen it, too.”

“You can. Just go to the computer and—”

“No, Saint!” She laughed. “I’m talking about LIVE. You are so crazy, like it would
do anything if I watched…so superstitious.”

“Well, I think I might be able to feel your energy and it would get me off track is
all. I know it sounds paranoid, but thank you for humoring me. Anyway, I love you
and miss you.” He placed his arm behind his head.

“I love you too, Saint.” The worry returned to her tone. She must’ve known he was
going to broach the subject, the source of all of their misfortune.

“Baby, first, I want to apologize again for insinuating you were with someone else.
I knew the moment I said it that it wasn’t true. I was being spiteful because my feelings
were hurt. That wasn’t cool.”

“Apology accepted, and I know you didn’t mean it.”

“Thank you. Secondly, I need to ask you a question.”

“Yes?” He heard some moving around. “Hold on a second, Saint…let me step in this bathroom
to get a bit more privacy.”

“Okay, baby.” He waited until he heard a door close and lock.

“Okay, what did you want to ask me?”

He imagined her sitting on the top of a toilet lid with her legs crossed.

“The other day, when you were at work, did you…” He paused, taking a deep breath,
trying to figure out the best way to say it. “Did you recall seeing a tall Japanese
man around you? I know that question is a shot in the dark, but I needed to ask.”

“Hmmm…” She paused, obviously deliberating. “No, can’t say that I did.”

Fuck! Am I wrong? This was all I had! I was so damn certain!

He tossed a pillow across the room in an angry fit. In that flash of a second, his
enthusiasm and hunt for the truth was squelched. He’d stood on that stage at the end
of his speech, certain he’d discovered the missing key to this messed up situation,
and come to find out, it had been nothing more than a mirage. His heart sank and fear
of the unknown resurfaced.

“Why?” she asked, bringing him back into the conversation. He cleared his throat,
trying to gain his composure.

All I can do is be truthful with her… I’m struggling here. I need my baby back…

“Well, baby, please don’t take this wrong, but it is like a light switch went on inside
of you ever since yesterday. When you came home from work, you didn’t even seem like
yourself. I was just trying to figure out what may have happened is all.” He sighed.
“And then, of course, the incident in our bedroom happened, which confirmed something
was wrong. Don’t mind me…just brainstorming.”

“Well, I agree everything has been normal until yesterday. Maybe my hormones are out
of whack, Saint.” She blew out air, sounding exasperated as if she, too, had been
trying to come to grips with it. “I’m thinking of going to the doctor, actually, before
this goes too far. Matter of fact, I just will. I won’t think about it anymore. There
is no need for me to pretend like everything is fine and this will just go away. It
could be a number of things but I’ll never know unless I am able to eliminate some
possible causes. I hate this, you just don’t know!”

He lowered his head and rubbed his raised knee, massaging it, working out nervous
tension.

“Xenia, I have another question… I have to ask, because right now I just…never mind.
I’ll just say it. Are you
sure
you still love me? I know we’ve been through some things and—”

“Saint,
never
ever question me regarding that. You know that I do! Nothing has changed.”

“…But when you kissed me this morning, baby…it was dead. No passion, no flame, no
longing, no wanting or desire.”

He didn’t miss her steely silence on the other end, as if a sheet had been abruptly
ripped off her form, revealing the naked truth.

“Every time we kiss, Xenia, from the
very
first kiss we ever shared, it has been electric. Every time we touch, it is an experience.
This was the first time when it felt like your lips didn’t recognize mine. It’s only
been two days now, honey…but, I’m worried about you.” He gulped, feeling suddenly
parched though he wasn’t thirsty for water… “I mean, this is my area of expertise.”
He placed his hand across his chest. “This is what I was trained in, and never in
a million years would I think that we would be enduring this. I tried to put in the
time and effort to avoid such a thing, you know? That’s what I get, I suppose, for
taking our love life for granted. I felt like I would know what to do for something
like this, to make it better. But, you say you’re going to see a doctor, and you aren’t
even telling me why you think this happened, Xenia. That confuses me.” He was pouring
his soul out, and in the midst of it, he fought with embarrassment and the painful
truth.

“Because Saint, it’s not
you
… I don’t know what’s going on to even be able to articulate it to you. Look, it could
be nothing, okay? Let’s try to think positively. It’s only been a couple of days,
for goodness sake.” She forced a laugh. “According to you, we’ve had two incidents
that cause you concern and—”

“Four, Xenia…
four
. I tried to actually give you a kiss when I came in from work. You don’t even remember,
I guess. I came to you, and you immediately turned away from me, told me you were
beat. Again, I didn’t think much of it. Then, after the children were in their rooms
asleep, I approached you for sex, as I often do around that time, and you didn’t budge,
respond or acknowledge me. You said absolutely
nothing
. I tried to dismiss that, too, but at that point, I knew deep down something was
wrong. The energy between us had changed. Then, of course, there was the major one
that happened later and…when I left the house this morning, there was our argument,
and the dead kiss. So…that makes four times in a row you’ve rejected my affections.”

The woman went quiet on the other end, though he could
feel
her—she was devastated by his revelation.

“Look,” he continued. “Baby, I don’t want you to try to make love to me if you feel…I
don’t know,” he shrugged, “like you really don’t want to. I don’t want to take anything
from you or for you to feel like I am. I need you to be a wanting, willing and wildly
sexual participant and recipient. I can’t have anything less. That’s not what we’re
about. I want you to
give
it to me willingly. As hard as this is for me,” he said, balling the sheets up in
his grip, “…and the possibilities of it lasting a while, indefinitely,
please
know that regardless of my issues and how I’m internalizing this, I will be by your
side. We’ve got to try to find a way to make it through this, Xenia. I’m just glad
we both know about this very early on. It could have been worse, though not making
love to you is a pretty dire situation. Regardless, now that we know, we can deal
with it immediately.”

“It does scare me, Saint, that you’ll go and get fulfilled by someone else if I don’t
get to the bottom of this!” she finally blurted, her true concerns now at the forefront.
“I
know
you aren’t a cheater, Saint. I know that and I learned the hard way that I have to
trust you, no matter sometimes what something may look like—but
everyone
has a breaking point. You have needs… What if…what if we never get to the bottom
of this?” Her voice shook.

He sighed, feeling pitiful and angry all at once. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers
through his hair.

“…Then Xenia, I’ll still be there with you, by your side. I know you aren’t keeping
sex from me intentionally. You’re my wife. I told you I would stick by you no matter
what.”

“…But you are very sexually expressive, Saint.” Her voice grew lower, almost as if
she thought he meant well, but couldn’t possibly be sincere. “There’s no way you’d
last years
without
making love! There is no way!”

“Xenia.” he rubbed his forehead and grimaced. “Do you know how long I waited to meet
you?”

“You told me you’d be looking for your wife, me, for a very long time.”

“Yes, my soulmate, Xenia. That’s what you are so please understand—I had been looking
for my soulmate for a
long
time. I couldn’t understand why I never found her. I’d travelled all over the place,
but she was nowhere to be found. Then I figured out what I was doing wrong. I was
still having sex with different women, while searching for her. I told you I understood
at that point, that had to stop. So for over six months, Xenia, I went cold turkey.
I had no intercourse with anyone, at all. I promised myself that the
next
time I had sex, it would be with my Goddess. I needed to purify myself for you, and
to stop using other women as a ‘just for now’ situation when I knew damn well I didn’t
want commitment with them. So, imagine that. This came from a person who’d been having
sex on a regular basis since age fourteen. By the time I was sixteen, Xenia, I was
having sex practically every day. So, you do the math, baby.

“If I can do that once, then I can do it again for the same woman, for a different
cause. And don’t you forget that I went without sex with you for months when you left
me and I had to cut you off after all of that Payton bullshit! When I told you I wasn’t
going to make love to you anymore unless you came back to me, you have no idea how
hard that was for me, Xenia! It was like a nightmare within a nightmare! It was all
I had of you, and I had to let that go as well, to try and get my woman back. That
risk I took could have backfired and it
almost
did! Please don’t allow your memory to become clouded. Do I love to fuck, have sex
and make love? That’s a no brainer, but only with
one
woman—
you
! I don’t want anyone else, Xenia!” he screamed, unable to control himself. “I only
want
you
! And as long as you are with me and love me, I’m going to wait this out with you.
I’m
not
going to fuck someone else; you have my word! Do whatever it is you think is best
to help yourself resolve this. It is obvious to me that you don’t want a therapy referral,
or my opinions.”

“Saint, that’s not it. Like I said, I—”

“No, Xenia, I get it.” He put his hand in the air as if she were right there, sitting
before him. “You are probably over there talking to Traci about it anyway, and though
that embarrasses me a bit, that she knows, I understand and can respect your need
to confide in someone. I know I didn’t do anything, I believe you when you tell me
that. I will give you space and let you try to figure this out. But if you are hitting
brick walls, then
promise
me, you’ll come to me, and we can try a Plan B. You may feel it is a conflict of
interests, but there are all sorts of things we can attempt to try and address this,
okay? Let me help you if your way doesn’t work. Do we have a deal?”

“Yes, we have a deal. Of course I want your help, Saint! Thank you for easing my mind,
too. It’s just difficult to look you…in the eye right now.” She broke down crying
on the other end, tearing him to pieces. His soul heated with pain.

“Baby, don’t cry…please. It will be okay.”

He waited a few moments while the woman pulled herself together.

“It’s just…when I look at you, I feel so embarrassed and confused, Saint. If I speak
to someone impartial, it may help me, is all. Trust me, I’ve thought about this long
and hard, ever since we had that argument about it. I was barely able to concentrate
at work today. I’ve been an absolute mess, Saint.”

“I know, honey…”

“And your analogy about the light switch was right on. It was like something inside
of me clicked. One minute, I was fine and the next, everything went downhill. That’s
what is making me think this is hormonal.”